Hi!
I have a new article for The Breast Form Store. This is more or less the last part of a series about coming out and focuses on what may happen after we have The Talk with someone.
Coming out will likely be one of the most consequential decisions we will ever make. Whether it’s the right or wrong decision to do so, it will invariably cause ripples. Relationships can be impacted, the dynamics can change, and of course, we are trusting that the people we come out to will love us, will accept us, and respect us.
Which is, of course, a lot to ask. We understand the consequences of coming out, we know that this side of us is not something all of us want everyone in the world to know of. There are people I know, whether I am related to them or with for, that could easily destroy so many aspects of my life. The people I am thinking of like and respect me, but I know that my gender identity would essentially override any opinion they have of me and would turn on me very quickly.
Like, why does that negate their previous opinion of me?
It’s possible that they believe, or choose to believe, the narrative that non-binary people are sexually obsessed or immoral or perverts or whatever the popular opinion is at the moment about people like me.
Regardless of why my gender identity impacts someone’s opinion about me, it’s likely not deserving of my time or energy. I am tired of the hate and some people’s complete lack of trying to understand someone else’s feelings or gender identity. Some people have been fed so much misinformation that it’s almost impossible to detangle. They are too far down the rabbit hole and are beyond what my abilities are when it comes to talking to them.
This side of us requires a lot of love and patience from ourselves, but also from people in our lives. When we come out, it’s a whole thing. It will likely require a long talk, likely multiple conversations, about this. The people we come out to will likely need to have a lot of patience and will need to invest time and energy into trying to understand who we are and how we feel.
Again, it’s a lot to ask. Asking someone for their time and patience and energy isn’t easy. These are not things that anyone has an infinite amount of. We all need to choose how we spend our time and who we choose to invest our energy with. When someone shares their time and energy, that’s an act of love, I feel.
This modern, stupid, beautiful world does not value thinking or empathy. We are inundated with so much information and stimulus and are absolutely bombarded with news and events that we can’t process anything sufficiently. It’s easier, and perhaps a survival method, to make quick decisions and form instant opinions about everything without giving things the energy it needs to properly process the information. Coming out to someone needs that person’s time and energy and patience. Without those three things, that person may make a snap decision, based on misinformation that is likely fueled by fear and hatred, about what this side of us means and represents.
Basically, if someone is told that transpeople are evil or perverts or evil perverts, they may just roll with it as it requires no time or energy on their end. Of course, they may also use that misinformation to fuel or justify their own bias.
I mean, I do that in some regards. I might hear a rumor or gossip about a musician or celebrity or whatever and I just accept it as the truth. I may accept it because I already dislike their music (looking at you, Maroon 5) and the gossip may justify my animosity towards them… Even if the gossip is easily disproved by the tiniest amount of energy and research.
Of course, hating on a band is different from suddenly hating someone that you love/respect once their gender identity is known.
I feel that many of us NEED to come out. We need to know that the people we love will still love us. But the risk is high. We know the risk is high. We know their response and reaction is impossible to predict. It’s an awful feeling knowing that this side of us, a side that we ourselves love and celebrate, can cause someone we love to turn on us instantly.
Hannah McKnight 
No way can I tell my family, after all the negative political anti Trans commercials they would disown me.
I thought things were better, nope things are worse.Looks like back in the closet.I know who I’m voting for!
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The only way to come out to someone very close (talking about partners) is being completely HONEST ASAP… this means telling them before they find out!!!
It may be your choice not to tell your family, kids, friends, siblings, etc. and it is completely understandable and respectable, it may not be necessary and no harm is done, you might actually be protecting them by taking this decision …
… BUT I believe this applies differently to partners. Not giving your partner this information is completely selfish and disrespectful. She deserves to know the truth, no downplaying, no half truths; your relationship deserves the full truth (if you value it, like most crossdressers say they do) no matter the outcome.
She will most probably receive this news with anger, sadness and betrayal, especially if this info is shared after several years into the relationship… What do you expect? Your partner loves the side of you she knows, she is physically attracted to the man and does not want more. You are destroying “her happily ever after in a house with a white picket fence” and painting it black; but not telling her is like cheating!!! And cheating destroys relationships… I once read that cheating is withdrawing information so that the other part does not have the complete information to make decisions..
From that point on your life and relationship will change. The “house with the white picket fence” is gone forever; however your partner might be willing to paint it in a shade of grey with compromises, time, HONESTY and love, but most probably only if you are unselfish enough to want it grey, instead of black… to put Honesty and truth before everything, even if it is uncomfortable to you.; to keep the compromises you both agreed on and always keep being HONEST after the “big talk”; no half truths, no lies, no secrets, no gaslighting. Honesty does not end with the “talk” it is the start…
You need to remember that she did nothing wrong, YOU are the one that withheld information, lied, gaslighted and cheated… and even with all that, she wants to stay with you because she loves you… honor that! Relationships can survive CD, but a relationship cannot survive lying and dishonesty…
Just a thought from crossdresser’s wife who was not given the respect she deserved, but out of love, is willing to make things work.
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Although I agree with your comments regarding honesty, I recognize that each individual’s situation can be different based on their specific relationship or circumstance. To suggest to everyone that you must tell your partner immediately is not sound advice.
Proposing that as soon as someone discovers this part of themselves that they go running off to tell their partner when they themselves might not fully understand their desire to dress, or even accept that this is a part of them is not realistic. Each individual needs time to assess what this means as there is a lot at stake and learning that you are a cross dresser, albeit life saving for many, is a very scary proposition based on how society views us.
Many of us need to sort our own feelings out and perhaps work with a therapist.This is a process. None of us wake up and decide we are going to be a cross dresser. For some of us this was a part of us that was buried so deep within us that we didn’t really know until later in life.
To automatically rubber stamp all cross-dressers who have not come out to their partners yet as cheaters, liars, or gas lighters is yet is another way to shame us which none of us needs to hear. We have enough self deprecation to last us a lifetime. I fully understand that withholding information or being dishonest is hurtful, but let’s not paint all dressers into a corner as somehow being bad people.
If you were a crossdresser yourself, you might truly understand that things are not always black-and-white or as simple as you have laid out. And if I were a woman, I would be offended by a sexist comment about a white picket fence life. All men and women are changing and growing. Some grow together. Some grow apart. Let’s not assume that we know the details of every individual’s relationship when giving out advice in such a shaming manner. We are not deviants or bad people.
Perhaps it was not your intention, but your message comes across as very shaming, negative, and judgmental. Yes we owe it to our partners to eventually come out, but please don’t demonize us.
Nadine
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Hi! I never mean to demonize anyone. In my writings I am not always able to address and write to all the different dynamics different relationships have and not every situatuon can be applied to every relationship. I apologize that this came across as such and I will keep this in mind for future writings.
Love, Hannah
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I am really sorry if you perceived my comment as aggressive. By no means I am “demonizing” CDs, stating they are bad people or “rubber-stamping” anyone.
I am just writing from the “other side of the coin.”
For me, relationships should be based in four pillars… love, honesty and trust, respect and communication … and secrets, half-truths, lying and hiding (no matter the reason to do so) do not align with these pillars.
By the way, I borrowed the “white picket fence comment” from an author that writes about expectations and changes throughout life and marriage and how reaching middle ground in this changing dynamics is what makes relationships work. For me this example applies to this topic and has nothing to do with sexism.
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Poignant and very heart felt is the topic of aftermath. Scorn and ridicule a part of the landscape for so many of us. MAB associates of mine in their 20’s are presenting as female more often in the workplace. Management has enforced a dress code regardless of gender. Customers observe and keep their thoughts to themselves. As a senior citizen I listen to those who cackle about the female presentation of young males. The times are treacherous for many of us, as aftermath can be life altering.
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I Hannah,
This was kind of a sad article. Not your usual style.
Are you ok?
If you ever need to talk, you know how to contact me.
Take care of yourself,
Jodi
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HI! I’m totally okay, thank you for asking!
Love, Hannah
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Hi Hannah!
Oh my goodness. You are perfectly fine. My comment was a response to the individual that left the comment with such strong condemnation toward CDs that have not come out to their partners yet.
Nadine 💜
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I am sorry you took my comment so personal… as I explained in the reply I wrote you, I am not condemning anyone, I am just writing from “the other” point of view.
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I completely understand and support that we owe our significant others honesty about how we identify, but please re-read your post as it doesn’t sound like you are understanding my perspective. You stated “You need to remember that she did nothing wrong, YOU are the one that withheld information, lied, gaslighted and cheated… ”
These are accusatory and very harsh words. Instead of dismissing my perspective as somehow being overly sensitive, think about the words you choose and how hurtful they can be to those of us that are still in the process of finding out way. Yes, this is a sensitive topic for many of us and a very scary and difficult one to navigate.
Nadine
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I respect your opinion and I am not dismissing you in any circumstance, nor implying anything. You have your experience and write from it, I have mine and both are equally important and valid. This is exactly why I consider communication so important in a relationship like mine. I stand by the fact that relationships can adapt and “survive (I am using this word because I cannot find the correct one)” CD only if honesty exists… just as a very wise woman writes… “It is not about the crossdressing itself but what surrounds it…”
For some, words can be hurtful or do not apply; for others, those same words speak the truth. In such a sensitive topic both sides of the coin are equally valid and should be respected.
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I absolutely agree that we have a right to express our opinion and beliefs which I respect, however, this does not preclude any of us from being questioned or challenged in our thinking.
And the very statement “It is not about the crossdressing itself, but what surrounds it” infers that there has to be more to it than just dressing for anyone who cross dresses. Yes, how one identifies can go beyond dressing, however, these types of statements keep the stigmas alive and all of the negative stereotyping that comes with it. Perhaps your relationship did involve subject matter beyond dressing, but please don’t project on all of us.
WE did nothing wrong by finding our true selves. WE hurt ourselves by burying this side of us that makes up a part of who we are as a human being because of the ridicule and shame that this community receives from the world we live in. WE denied being who we wanted to be because WE were afraid we would not be accepted. SOME have ended their lives because we couldn’t face the hate we would endure. WE hid because that is what people do to protect themselves. WE lost our families and friends because of lack of love, understanding and acceptance. Did this affect those around us, of course. Is there dishonesty through omission if we don’t share anything with our significant others that we don’t want them to know, yes! But don’t shame us in the process by referring to us as cheats. This is a process and many of us are very fragile when coming out which first needs to happen to ourselves. Again, telling someone they need to come out immediately to their spouse is not good advice.
Lastly, we all need to consider that it takes two to Tango. This is not about crossdressers groveling to seek approval from their forgiving wives as if we have done something wrong and have some unhealthy hobby that we need permission to do. This is about acceptance. This about being true to ourselves and living free, without shame. The alternative is a a slow, silent suffering that will impact us and those around us. If a wife chooses not to accept the person that she married just because he has a need to put on feminine clothing, then that’s her prerogative. We all get to choose whether we accept someone for exactly who they are.
Simply asking that you don’t broad brush our lives and experiences based on your limited experience.
Not once during this exchange have you retracted your statement inferring that we are liars, cheats, and gas lighters. If you were truly being honest with yourself, you would.
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I stand by my comment that withholding information, lying and/or “dishonesty through omission” is cheating. According to the Cambridge dictionary to cheat is to behave in a dishonest way in order to get what you want… cheating in a relationship is withholding information (ANY TYPE of information) from your partner and using it to get an “advantage (again lack of the correct word)”.
Quoting you “if a wife chooses not to accept the person she is married to just because of wearing feminine clothing it’s on her… we all get to choose…” and that is exactly my point. By withholding, limiting or changing the truth, you are limiting your partners knowledge and thus the choices your partner can make… you are not giving your partner the opportunity to choose…
This may or may not be your definition of cheating and it’s just as respectable as any other.
By the way the comment about “it’s not the crossdressing itself but what surrounds it” has nothing to do with gender identity, nor I am inferring or implying anything… it has to do with actions, just like what I wrote is not about crossdressing itself, but on coming out to your partner.
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I would love to tell my mother about it all. I think it would help her understand who her son really is but I’m afraid she would worry that I could be assaulted by some MAGA crackpot while out in my femme presentation. My wife already worries about such things.
In my youth I was sensitive for a boy of the 1970’s. I didn’t like the random punching and shoving boys did and quickly became a favorite target of bullies. I noticed that girls seemed to be off limits when I came to random violence. Coupled with my fascination with the unique delights of feminine clothing and presentation, I wanted to be a different kind of boy. I wanted to be able to choose times when I could be in the social role of a female but otherwise a boy. During those times I would get compliments and be treated with velvet gloves so to speak. I grew my hair past my shoulders in third grade as a statement that I was rebellious and different but it only gave the bullies more fodder to pick on me. I’d get angry when I was told I looked like a girl. Ive always had long eyelashes as well and I’d get huffy when adult women would ask me to bat my lashes and tell me “ such pretty lashes are wasted on a boy”. Looking back, I think I wanted my mom to tell me that instead of fighting that idea I should embrace it. Maybe my long hair worn with a pretty dress would make me off limits to bullying. Maybe I would get compliments from the teachers. Maybe I could feel cool and comfortable in a little sundress on a hot summer day with the added benefit of feeling graceful and pretty. I knew it would be quite the opposite. The teasing and violence would increase tenfold and I would be a pariah. I cut my hair before fifth grade started and forgot about it all until it all came rushing back at age 12.
My mom is 88 years old and has enough to worry about with her health. She knows I have channeled my sensitivity in positive ways but I just can’t help but think knowing my feminine tendencies might help her understand me a little better.
Angie
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