New Pillow Talk!

Hi!

I have a new feature for Xdress called Pillow Talk and my first real article is live!

It might sound odd, but I am scared to death of giving advice. I suppose the reason is that I may give the WRONG advice, but that’s understandable. I feel that if you give advice, and they take it, on some level you are potentially partly responsible for the outcome.

When I am asked for advice, I know that there’s a decent chance that I may not be getting the full picture. I am likely getting just one person’s opinion and assertation of the situation, and therefore I don’t have all the relevant information to form an opinion of whatever happened or of an appropriate course of action.

I am also not a counselor or therapist so I have no idea if I am processing a situation properly or considering all the important issues that may be unspoken.

So, advice is scary. But I will do my best to offer my perspective.

This particular question (as linked above) is a little light on a lot of details but that’s okay. I understand that there are likely other elements of the asker’s relationship that were not shared, and again, that’s okay. It’s not unusual to avoid disclosing details that may make us look a little flawed. To be clear, I am not saying that’s the situation here, but it’s possible.

Relationships and, well, ALL OF THIS, are not easy. For those of us who have a significant other, this side of us is (likely) part of our relationships. We all navigate our gender identity in individual ways that (hopefully) work in our relationships.

Besides being honest with each other, there’s really no rule we must follow when it comes to relationships when one of the people is non-binary. Honesty is where it begins, and that is how trust starts.

We must also be honest with ourselves. My perspective on this asker’s situation comes down to that. They, like all of us, feel a lot of different emotions when it comes to why they love what they love. They, like all of us, will need to accept that this is who they are and that this is not a phase. While it’s true that this side of us rarely makes our lives and our relationships easier, I feel that when there’s a part of your life, a part of your identity that makes you happy, that you should embrace it (as long as it does not harm yourself or anyone else and is ethical).

With that, honesty and openness needs to follow. That doesn’t mean you have to come out to everyone, but I feel that we at least need to be open with our partners.

(And yes, I understand that every relationship is different and that this honesty may end the relationship. I also feel that most of us have probably known about this side of us at an early point in our lives, likely before we met our true love. It’s not uncommon that we think or even hope that by being in a relationship it will calm our desire or minimize our feelings but I feel that sooner or later we will be drawn back to the things, and clothes, that we love. I suppose my perspective is that many of us have likely lived long enough and experienced enough to know that this side of us is real and not a phase. We likely know that this side of us, as unique as it is, makes us very happy and we likely don’t want to stop wearing what we love or feeling what we feel. Essentially I think that for most of us, we knew this part of our identity wasn’t going away, and that we probably didn’t want it to, and that we probably should or should have discussed this side of ourselves with our partners before the relationship became too serious.)

And yes, there are a LOT of qualifiers in the above paragraph. I do my best to avoid speaking in absolutes.  

Love, Hannah