It has taken me a long time to process my husband dressing. I admit however we didn’t fully commit to counseling. I found out the wrong way in May of 2018. I have come a long way. From the beginning of “no you won’t do this” to taking him for makeup and clothes and buying cute underwear for him. How long does the average wife in your experience take to fully embrace the femme side? Full disclosure he filed for divorce this week and I do not want this. I love him.
I knew when I married him he had some female characteristics and I saw past that and still fell for him. He doesn’t see that part. 21 years married and three great children.
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. Relationships have difficulties and gender identity and gender presentation usually do not make things easier. All of us are on a journey as we navigate this aspect of ourselves, and our partners are also on their own journey, but it’s one that is almost always against their will., at least initially. Obviously your husband was/is figuring things out, but this required you to do something similar. After all, it sounds like you have come a long way.
There is no average timeline for any of us with this. There is no average timeline for your husband, and there is not one for our partners. Rarely a journey, whether it’s a leisurely hike in the woods, or figuring out one’s gender identity, is a straight line. No, journeys have backtracking, they have breaks, setbacks, challenging climbs, and a proneness to get lost and turned around.
Our partners typically struggle with this side of us. Counseling, with commitment, can help. But communication, honesty, and openness from your partner is key. It’s not always crossdressing itself that is the problem, it’s the things that can go along with it. Not being truthful, downplaying what we’re thinking and feeling, and little white lies. These are the things that can cause a problem in any relationship, regardless whether or not crossdressing is involved.
To be honest, fully embracing your husband’s crossdressing isn’t that common. For most of us who have supportive partners, they usually are in the “I accept my husband crossdresses” realm. Being supportive can mean a lot of different things. It can mean that you treat him to a new pair of panties or teach him how to use a lipliner. It can mean that your closet also has his dresses hanging in it. Being supportive can also cover a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” component. You may understand that this is a part of him, but you don’t necessarily want to talk about it. These dynamics are all valid.
But embracing? That’s not too typical. That might be too much to ask of yourself. In my opinion, embracing means fully and enthusiastically supporting this side of him. It’s easy for us to embrace who we are. I mean, afterall, we are the ones who are wearing what we want to wear, but this side of us rarely… hm, benefits our partners. I mean, it can in small ways. My wife borrows my jewelry or my mascara, but I don’t think a lot of women are thrilled that their man wears panties.
But to answer your question, there is no average timeline for any of us, especially our partners. We are all literally just winging this aspect of ourselves. We can often feel lost in the woods without a map. We are trying to make our way through this based on vibes but likely thinking things through. It may take years to find our way out, if we do so at all.
Your email doesn’t state the reasons he filed for divorce so it’s not easy to speak to that. If his decision is solely entwined in his gender identity (afterall, there may be more going on in his heart than he is sharing with you) it’s possible there is nothing you could have done, regardless of how you supported him. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Perhaps give counseling another try, even if it’s just you going.
Love, Hannah
Have a question for me? Oh yes you do. Ask me here!
Hannah McKnight 
This thoughtful response should be helpful to the wife of many years who has struggled with the feminine aspects of her husband’s behavior. I appreciate your willingness to share your long and personal understanding with those who are still working on arriving ata more comfortable place so the relationship may continue. As you indicate full disclosure by both parties is required. Since each individual’s understanding often is still evolving that makes life more difficult. In my own experience of 60 years, change occurred from before marriage through early marriage through a long work career into retirement.
LikeLike
I want to thank you so much. These are very informative and helpful questions and answers.
Thank you
LikeLike
After a long break, I started going to counseling again about seven years ago. I was feeling guilty about my crossdressing because I thought it was incompatible with being a husband and a father. Over the years I’ve learned being unhappy and unfulfilled is incompatible with being a husband and father. If getting out in my most delightfully feminine presentation makes me happy then so be it!
Angie
LikeLike
What surprised me was that he wants a divorce, since she said she is helping him to cross dress! I think he wants to live alone and be free to dress up in his own apartment/place. He may even have gay tendencies or want to change genders. I would like to know why he wants a divorce…
LikeLike
It may sound harsh but the answer is never for wives who found out the wrong way, especially after many years of marriage.
Some do not get past the lies and secrets and decide to take another path, but for most of us who believe our marriage is worth working for and love our husband, you learn to understand that as much as you would like it to, crossdressing will not go away and you learn to accept it (acceptance has many levels) and reach compromises, expecting to get the same in return so you both can be happy… BUT it is an ongoing process with it’s high and lows… embracing is a strong word for most crossdresser’s wives so I admire you for using it, you are one of the few and your husband should value this … I am truly sorry your husband did not.
LikeLike
I agree, wives being fully embracing is pretty rare. Even acceptant and tolerant are pretty rare. Most of the girls I talk to online hide it from their spouse and plan to keep their dressing hidden and a secret forever. Its such a shame, they feel so guilty and even worse, they have almost no one to share that with. I know, I’ve dealt with a lot of guilt and difficulty over the years. I’m glad my wife knows and is tolerant, even supportive at times. It does come with a whole different set of challenges, but its better than hiding and living in secrecy.
LikeLike