I have a new article for The Breast Form Store!
Gratitude can sometimes feel uncomfortable. It can be disarming when you think about how fortunate you really are.
And yes, I know that there are aspects to our lives that we wish were better or easier. I do this all the time. But right now I am on my couch, I just finished a cup of coffee, the windows are open and I hear the distant sound of traffic entwined with bird songs as both cars and nature greet the early morning.
As Kurt Vonnegut remarked, if this isn’t nice, what is?
I am trying not to ignore the emails that are coming in one right after the other from my new boss (yes I have a new boss and I am still undecided if the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t). These emails are probably not going to make my day better or easier, but for now, this very moment, I am feeling content.
It’s easy to forget small moments. Paul Simon sang “it’s easy to be generous when you’re on a roll/It’s hard to be grateful when you’re out of control” and damn he’s right.
I am fortunate and blessed to have the life that I have. It has, and has had, and will have, its challenges and I make mistakes and I will continue to do so.
My wife is a wonderful person and I know my life is owed to her. I live in a cute little house with a cozy living room and her touch is everywhere I look. I do my share of chores and I pay the mortgage and utilities. My contributions are mainly financial so it doesn’t really feel… tangible. What I mean is that when my wife makes an amazing dinner I can see how much work and care she put into it.
But the electric bill? I mean, yes, if it wasn’t paid we would absolutely notice but it’s not quite the same.
I wish I could do more. I wish I was handy. I wish I could fix stuff around the house. Our neighbor is building a deck and I wonder if my wife looks at their new addition and wishes her husband could do that.
In a relationship people need to contribute in different ways and they are hopefully doing so as best as they can. I can’t build a deck, but I can work fifty hours a week to afford our mortgage.
Sometimes I want to tell her that I am sorry for who I am. That I am sorry her husband owns fifty pairs of high heels. That I am sorry my clothes take up so much space in the closet.
This post is for her.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
I relate to this post so much
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That is very sweet of you!
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Hannah, once again your post is spot on. I am in an incredible relationship with a supportive lady who is marrying me this fall. She knows of the many layers of me and “MeChelle.” She helps with makeup and clothes. We have couples dates and weekends, and girls trips/outings too. It is a wonderful delightful dance, and I am happy to be her best guy and gurl too.
But, there are little comments about the sexy bearded guy or Ripp on “Yellowstone.” Men without layers, or lingerie. She jokes, notices but is there for me in all ways. We share and give much careful to tend to each other’s hearts, loving and listening. Still though there are times when I feel like she, for as perfect as she is in my eyes, deserves more than “MeChelle”, more than sharing her love with my meism’s. Like I should be more guy and no gurl.
She has never asked of me to be accepting in as much of her as she does in me daily. When I ask or suggest that she would be happier if I were more manly, she laughs it off saying that she loves all the parts of me. But still I too wonder…
And by the way, I am extremely handy, I have built decks and houses, fought fires and wars and still I wonder . . .
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Aw. Your wife will be grateful to be appreciated.
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What a lovely post, Hannah. My wife certainly didn’t sign up for any of this. And yet, she has been (and still is) incredibly brave and supports me in more ways than I ever thought possible. It is hard to imagine where I would be today without that support – and how I can ever make it up to her. And then again, love is not a zero-sum game.
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I always tell people I’m a handyman.
I’m handy at writing checks for others to do the work.
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I definitely feel this so much. My wife knows and is somewhat supportive and somewhat comfortable with me dressing. She even went out with me the other night, which was pretty fun.
I thank her occasionally for being supportive, and she thinks it isn’t a big deal, but I try to get her to understand it is a big deal. Most dressers aren’t even comfortable coming out to their SO, let alone talking about it.
So, to have a partner who is comfortable not only talking about it, but getting me clothes and make-up? That is something I am tremendously grateful for and also sorry so that I’m not always the man she wants me to be. Its a hard balance to manage, not only in our relationship, but in my own head, too.
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