Don’t Feed the Trolls

I know it feels that the entire world hates non-binary people, but the reality is that it’s not true.  It’s easy to assume that because we see the jokes and the proposed legislation but the hate that we get is from loud people, not the majority.  Bullies yell because volume is the only thing they have.  They don’t have facts to back up the justification for their opinions, so they just get louder and louder.  Most of the world is totally okay with people like us.

Now, that’s not to say that most of the world understands why we are who we are, but that’s okay.  Understanding comes from relatability.  If you are cisgender you probably don’t know what it’s like to not FEEL like the gender you were assigned at birth.  For some of us, wearing a necktie or boxer shorts just feels wrong.  I am sure most of my male colleagues don’t think twice about what they wear to work and if it aligns with their identity.  They likely can’t understand why someone like me, someone who was assigned male at birth, feels just as comfortable in a bodycon dress and five inch stilettos as they do in boy clothes.

But I don’t need understanding.  I think that’s a lot to ask from most people in our lives.  I mean, there’s a lot I don’t understand about most of the people that I know.  Like, why do some people spend thousands of dollars on a bottle of wine?  Why do some people collect what they collect?  Why do some people have the hobbies that they do?  I’ve no idea and that’s not important.  I don’t need to understand, I just hope they have fun.

I believe most of the world is like this when it comes to non-binary people.  My wife doesn’t understand why I am who I am, but that’s fine.  I mean, beyond saying that I was born this way I can’t explain who I am either.  Most of the world knows that people are who they are and have the decency and empathy to not attack or ridicule someone that is different than themselves.

For someone who goes out en femme as much as I do, and as someone who posts on Twitter/Bluesky as much as I do, I have experienced a shockingly low amount of nastiness.  It is more common on Twitter, but the anonymity of the internet tends to embolded people.  It’s easy to say something in a tweet that you would never say to someone in real life.  Bullies are not only loud, but they are also cowards.  They tend to congregate in groups and these groups lend them a flimsy sense of courage and justification.  What I mean is that if you don’t like something, whether it’s a band or a person, and when someone else hates the same thing you hate, then your opinion becomes the opinion of others, not just your own.  

I rarely get nasty comments on Twitter, but when I do, they compound.  When I tweet a photo and if it attracts attention from an asshole, it’s never just one asshole.  Soon more and more assholes comment on the same photo.

There are two takeaways from this.  

First, it’s an algorithm.  Unless you follow me, my picture is likely not showing up on your page unless the algorithm knows that you look at pictures of girls like me.  So, that’s interesting.  If you hate girls like me, then why does Twitter think you want to see pictures of girls like me?

Secondly, since one hateful comment turns into multiple hateful comments, my assumption is that my picture is being shared with other assholes and there’s a coordinated effort to gang up on me.  

Of course, both of these takeaways are assumptions and I really don’t care what is happening or why it’s happening.  It’s so easy to block someone lol.  It takes longer to tweet a mean comment than it takes to block it.  Maybe these haters have time to waste but I sure as sugar don’t.

I am tempted to respond with snarkiness or being equally as mean, but what’s the point?  That’s what they want.  They WANT to piss me off, and they want to know that they succeeded.  If I respond, no matter what I say, then in their mind they “win”.  They are not looking to engage in a meaningful conversation about gender and identity, they want to put someone down because it makes them feel better for a tiny amount of time.  When that feeling passes, they will need to feed their dopamine once again by putting a different person down.  What a life.

My point is that fewer people hate you and I more than we realize.  Stop engaging with those who hate us, they have already made up their mind. 

Love, Hannah