Like Carmen Sandiego, I am alllll over the map on this post.
Being active on social media (Twitter and BlueSky) allows you to experience some of the most… interesting people.
Not interesting in the sense “wow, you’re a paleontologist?” or “wow, you are a ghost hunter?” but more in the “wow, I can’t believe I live on the same planet as this person.”
It was fascinating to first experience the audacity of some people who message me and just straight up ask “can we fuck?”. Good Lord, that’s… something. Like, no we certainly cannot but on some level I admire your forthrightness.
Do they really expect that to work? Has that ever worked? Are they serious? Do they really plan on flying to Minneapolis to have this encounter?
Perhaps I am overthinking all of this but I really want to know if these dudes have had enough success with such a charming introduction that they keep using it. More likely it’s like a dog chasing a car. They don’t know what they would do if their efforts yielded the desired result.
Anyway, I know that these men don’t represent all men (so please don’t bother with commenting not all men) but the ratio of men who are just trying to score with me compared to men who aren’t (or at least aren’t letting me know) supports my wariness when a guy approaches me online or in real life.
Unless a guy uses the common, ah, invitation, when they first message me, they usually start with HI and then HOW R U and WHAT R U DOING and then it’s painful small talk until they either shoot their shot or just give up.
Some guys are genuinely nice, for a while, anyway. Compliments to start with and then what seems to be sincere conversation. But it usually goes south after a while. The guy will either ask “can I tell you something?” annnnnd it’s always along the lines of some sort of attraction or they will say something that crosses a line. Most of the time it’s a guy testing the waters, so to speak, to see if I will be reciprocal of their flirty question/comment.
Guys like that I feel are playing the long game. Like, they’ll be nice and sweet for a week or so and then BAM! The ol’ invitation.
Because of these interactions I tend to be very skeptical of men. Even if they don’t lead with the classic “can we fuck”, these conversations almost always get to that proposition.
I got to thinking about this because I’ve been having a LOT of these types of conversations lately and I am getting tired of them. Given how crude these conversations begin and eventually turn, it’s hard to feel flattered by their, uh, flattery. I suppose what annoys me the most is that my boundaries are being crossed. And I make my boundaries very clear. In my Twitter bio I state I am married and although DMs are open, I do not want sexually inappropriate content. When someone messages me a photo of their penis or a request for physical intimacy I assume that they read my bio (which they need to see before they message me) and choose to ignore my request. This is crossing a very clear boundary.
I am very married and I am not interested in men anyway, so it’s not really disappointing when a guy reveals their true intentions but it does get exhausting. I realize that as a feminine presenting and as a feminine identifying person I will get attention from men. I do not particularly want this. As reader Angie said in a recent comment, I crave the attention of women when I’m out en femme. I want acknowledgement that my presentation is tasteful, feminine, and well- accessorized from those who have been socially rewarded for having such expertise. Women dress pretty for themselves and for each other ten times more than they dress to appeal to men and this skirt enthusiast feels the same.
Nailed it.
It’s hard for me to accept criticism in any aspect of my life and I get particularly defensive when someone points out something I could be, or should be doing differently. I am getting a little better but admittingly I have a long way to go. Someone commented on a recent post that discussed the attention that some t-girls get from men and how I am skeptical when a guy approaches me in public. They wrote:
What you write is indeed true. I met you in person as you finished setting up your booth at Minneapolis Pride a few years ago. You were dressed en femme and I was in drab. From reading your blog for several years, I recognized you instantly. I introduced myself as Abby and said that I enjoyed your blog. Your reaction was exactly as you describe, highly skeptical and wary. I had never before seen that much skepticism and fear in anyone’s eyes upon initially meeting them in a public setting. This was even more astonishing because you are taller and clearly physically stronger than I am. This meeting was too awkward for any further words, so I quickly retreated into the crowd. I immediately made straight for the exits, left the park, and never returned.
Do I remember this moment? No. Did this happen? If it did, and I have no reason to doubt it did, then this is exactly how I would have reacted. My response to the comment was:
A few years ago at Pride, a masculine-presenting person came up to me and wordlessly wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close, and did not let go. I squirmed away and he ran off. To this day I can recall the moment and what he looked like. I am always on edge at Pride. I am sorry if I was rude and awkward (being awkward is my default personality).
For days (and obviously I am still thinking about it) I thought about how Abby felt and how I made her feel. Given the experience I cited in my response I still feel that my reaction to them was, well, if not justified then at least understandable. The guy who wrapped his arms around me was and still is a defining moment when it comes to how I feel when someone presenting as masculine approaches me. Yes, not all men are like this but I don’t see myself feeling at ease around men anytime soon.
And yes, some people might be thinking I am overreacting and it was “just a hug” but you should never touch someone, especially a stranger, without their consent. This was not unlike someone ignoring my boundaries in my Twitter bio.
I feel bad for how Abby felt. I feel bad how I made Abby felt. I probably ruined her day and I am sorry for that.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 