Ask Hannah!

Hi I’m a straight guy look to date a Trans women. I’m sick of the same old thing with women. I’ve decided that I would like to date a trans women. I don’t know how or where to do so. I’ve been on the dating sites and I hate it. I have not let my family or friends know, but am just so in love with trans women. Do you have any pointers for me this is all new to me I have never been with a trans woman or guy.

It’s easy to misinterpret anything that is written or said.  I want to be as gentle and as kind as possible when it comes to any Ask Hannah! question.  I recognize that it takes a lot of courage and nerve to ask for advice and the last thing I want to do is make anyone feel bad or silly when they need help and guidance.  One of the reasons I have a website is to educate others when it comes to everything from relationships to walking in heels.  I would never claim to be an expert on anything and I am honored and humbled when someone asks for my advice or perspective on something.  

Of course, I also want to avoid embarrassing anyone when they need help.  I take no joy in humiliating anyone or calling someone out.  I do get a lot of emails and Ask Hannah! questions about relationships and that includes asking about dating t-girls.  To be honest, I usually just delete them without replying as they tend to be crass in nature.  However, I thought it might be helpful to gently and kindly touch on a few things you wrote in your question.  

If identify as straight, you are (presumably) attracted to women.  Transwomen are women.  Being attracted to a woman, cis or trans, simply means you are attracted to women, or at the very least, that woman.  If you are attracted to a t-girl, it doesn’t mean you aren’t straight.  Does that make sense?  Also, dating or, in your words, being with, a transwoman is certainly not equal to being with a guy.  I do cringe a little when I get an email or comment along the lines of “I’m not gay but you are beautiful”.  Like everyone else on the planet, I am more than my anatomy, I am more than my genitalia.  

You write that you are sick of the same old thing with women.  Why do you think dating a transwoman would be any different?  Be careful to avoid generalizing anyone.

I understand you may be hoping I could direct you to a dating site or something similar.  I am sure Google could assist with searching “dating trans women”.  The help I am (kindly and sincerely) hoping I am providing is perhaps some perspective and clarification.  I hope you find happiness, I know it’s painful to be lonely.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

I’d love advice on how to further explore going out into the world en femme.

Leaving one’s home en femme for the first time is one of the most significant things you will ever do in your life.  It’s not something you will ever forget.  It does get easier over time, however.  

Like most aspects when it comes to gender identity and gender presentation going out en femme is a series of baby steps.  The first time I went out was at night and I went to an LGBTQ+ bar.  The bar hosts drag nights and a girl like me is a pretty common patron there.  No one batted a false eyelash at me.  I went to the same bar a couple of times before I was ready to go out during the day and to frequent a place that wasn’t specifically for the LGBTQ+ community.  I had a beautiful dress that needed altering so I made an appointment with a seamstress at her shop and went to several fittings before the dress was finished.  It was an amazing experience and my confidence and comfort grew and continued to do so.

I have written a lot about going out whether it is about what to have in your purse, going out if you live in a small community
, as well as not letting the fake concept of passing holding you back from strutting out en femme.  Just stay safe and have fun!

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

The Small Things

Sometimes your day can be an endless barrage of bad news.  Sometimes we can’t wait to make it to Saturday and leave the frustrating week behind us.  Sometimes the year never ends.  

And that is life.  It is riddled with peaks and valleys, rainy days and sun.  

When life is harder than normal I try to tell myself that whatever is stressing me out will pass.  And sometimes I listen to myself.  Of course I also tell myself that the other stiletto will drop when things are going well.  I seem committed to sabotaging my happiness.  

Life is big.  Being alive means we are subject to whatever is happening in the world.  Things outside of our control impact us and can greatly and irreversibly affect our lives.  We are at the mercy of the world, at the mercy of others.  It is disheartening when other people make decisions that affect us.  Sometimes elections don’t go how we wish and laws are passed that hurt us.  Sometimes companies issue new HR guidelines that make our jobs more difficult. To be clear, I am not necessarily speaking about girls (and boys) like us.  Yes, being trans (or at the very least, non-binary) does mean our community has a target on our back in many circumstances.  When I am in boy mode I never have to think twice or worry about using the restroom that aligns with my gender presentation at the moment.  But when I am en femme the fear that SOMETHING could happen is always there.  

I try to focus on the small things, on the things I can control.  I try to remember the good things in my life and the good things in my day.  Thankfully I am blessed in ways I never could have dreamed.  I am thankful for the significant things in my life.  A strong marriage, a nice little home, a soft bed, a fulfilling (albeit often frustrating) career.  But there are the small things, too.  Sometimes at the end of a long and difficult day I pull back the covers of my bed wearing a nightgown and just process the day.  I try not to bring the stress of whatever transpired during the day to bed, but anxiety doesn’t always cooperate.  What I tell myself (and it isn’t always easy to do so) is that if I can finish the day in a pink nightgown in a warm soft bed, well, perhaps it wasn’t such a bad day afterall.  When I wake in the morning and drink coffee in leggings wrapped in a blanket I am reminded that it’s probably the best way to start a day, regardless of what I have going on.

These small moments, paired with small things like panties, leggings, and nightgowns, make the day a little more tolerable.  Sometimes life can be overwhelming and the cutest pair of panties isn’t enough.  When life is toooo big it’s wonderful to be able to take a break from it and spend the day en femme.  To totally change who you are for a while.  Wearing a new dress while getting a makeover before heading to the mall is about as far from my normal day of meetings and daily reports as it gets.  I need that.  I need Hannah.  

I know this side of us can be a burden.  I know that this is a part of us that causes a lot of stress and fear and confusion.  Some of us feel cursed and wish that we didn’t feel the way we do, or think how we think.  And I get that.  Although I can’t relate to wishing this side of me wasn’t there, I can understand how someone like us wishes they weren’t who they are.  I feel sad when I hear someone say this.  Being ashamed or stressed about yourself or wanting to wear what you want to wear is a painful way to live your life.  I know t-girls who prayed they would grow out of this.  Thankfully many girls stop denying this side of themselves and embrace who they are.  A weight is lifted and a burden is set down.

I hope you find comfort in small things.  A new shade of lipstick, heels that fit, wearing a cute bra and panty set under your boy clothes.  We can’t stop life from happening and the days are stressful enough as it is.  Being tormented by your gender identity doesn’t help.  You are who you are and I don’t believe you will grow out of this side of you.  Nor do I think you should.  Most people in my life could never understand how spending the day in a corset and stilettos is how I relax.  Most people in my life would never get why I am spending money on lingerie.  I need these small (but often expensive, lol) things in my life, in my day.  

Take care, girls.

Love, Hannah

Hiding in Plain Sight

So!  Yesterday was Halloween.

I’ve heard Halloween referred to as the crossdresser’s Christmas aaaaaand that’s not wrong.  As a t-girl I look forward to the MN T-Girls‘ annual Halloween party and love to daydream what my costume will be.  I admit I could spend a little more time and energy into it but for some reason I put it off until the last minute each year.  I always promise myself that NEXT YEAR I’ll do a better job planning ahead and finally get an *amazing* Disney princess dress and live out my princess dreams.

But Halloween was ALWAYS like that for me, particularly before I was embraced who I am.  When I was in high school I would try to work up the courage each October to be a girl for Halloween.  I mean, I could play it off as a costume, right?  No one would REALLY know why I was a French Maid, a princess, a cheerleader, or a dozen other options for the night.  Of course I would always, always give into fear and never actually go through with it.  Similar to now, I would always promise myself that NEXT YEAR, I would do an AMAZING costume.  But I never did.

Halloween is a wonderful opportunity for those who aren’t out of the closet to test the waters a little.  Casually suggesting to your partner that you are thinking of dressing up (and I really mean DRESSing up) for Halloween is one way to gauge their reaction.  I am not sure if Halloween is really an opportune time to have “the talk”.  I mean, gender identity is pretty serious life-changing (and relationship-changing) stuff.  Going in drag or as a schoolgirl for Halloween is fine for a fun costume, buuuuuuuuuuut is it the best way to open the door to having the conversation about identifying as transgender/bi-gender/genderfluid/non-binary/crossdresser?  Probably not.  There’s a difference between dressing up for a fun costume and having a side of yourself that is soooo important and personal and intimate.  Your significant other deserves to know that this side of you isn’t a costume.

But I get it!  I totally and absolutely one hundred percent get it.  If your spouse isn’t thrilled with you strutting your stuff as a French Maid for Halloween it may give you pause about coming out to them.  Of course, coming out to them before committing to each other is another conversation for another time.  But if they love the idea, well, that changes things a little.  Let’s face it, we WANT our significant others to like this side of us.  We want them to like the idea of sharing makeup or being besties when we are en femme.  I love it when my wife borrows my lipstick.  

Some of us dressed for the first time for Halloween.  And we never forgot it.  It opened us up, it pushed us out of our comfort zone.  It gave us an opportunity to walk down the sidewalk in heels, an opportunity to have our makeup done, to live in this world as a side of us that is a secret to everyone.  We are, in a sense, hiding in plain sight.  “This cheerleader outfit?  It’s just a costume, lol”.  But we know differently.  

If my wife and I are invited to a Halloween party I never dress en femme.  This side of me is not a costume and to be honest, it would make me uncomfortable to be Hannah but have to be the boy, if you know what I mean.  When I am en femme, I am Hannah.  I introduce myself thusly and I expect female pronouns.  Were I to visit my friends that I know in my boy life, they would see me as the guy they’ve known for years wearing a dress and eyeliner.  I just… I just couldn’t be dressed as Hannah but interact with my friends as if I were a boy.  Of course, my makeup being a LITTLE too good and being able to strut in stilettos MIGHT cause SOME suspicion.  I can imagine the endless questions about how I was able to have a curvy body thanks to my corset and forms as well as where I found heels that fit.  

Halloween (like everything else in my life, lol) has always created anxiety in my life.  Before I was who I am today I would agonize about dressing up (and I mean dressing up) for the holiday.  The anxiety has shifted a bit these days but it is still there.  For the last MN T-Girl Halloween party I needed to stop at the costume store to pick up a small accessory for my costume.  I strutted into the shop wearing my latex dress and knee-high boots right after my makeup appointment.  I looked fierce.  I had hoped that the other shoppers and salesclerks saw me as a girl buying devil horns, instead of as a boy dressed as a girl for Halloween.  Of course, I don’t know what they thought.  We don’t know what anyone thinks of us when we are en femme but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone thought EVERYTHING I was wearing as a costume.  It wasn’t.  

Even today, I am, in a way, hiding in plain sight.

Love, Hannah 

Ask Hannah!

With Halloween coming just around the corner my wife and her sister would like to go as Charlie’s Angels.  They bought me this cute green dress to wear. My question is what heels do you think are the most comfortable to wear for longer periods of time? My wife does not know anything about my crossdressing and maybe this is also a good time to hint to her that I really enjoy it.  What do you think?

Every foot is different so I can’t say definitively what heel is right for you.  I choose my heels for the day (or night) based on how much walking I am going to be doing and what outfit I am wearing.  As much as I want to wear my six-inch rose gold stilettos, I know it’s not the best idea if I am walking outside on slippery, icy sidewalks during a Minnesota December.

If I am doing a lot of walking or standing I tend to select a lower heel.  Again, sky-high stilettos are my jam, but let’s face it, your feet (and eventually your legs and back) will start to hurt before too long.  On the other hand, I have tall heels that I can and do wear for hours and hours at a time without any sort of discomfort.  Again, every foot (and heel) is different.  

I recommend picking out the heels you WANT to wear, the heels that work with WHAT you are going to wear and practice wearing and walking in them for a few hours.  Practice going up and down steps.  Think of it as test driving your heels.    

As for using Halloween as a way to come out to your wife, every relationship (like every stiletto) is different.  How one person comes out to their partner isn’t necessarily how someone else should.  What I do know is that coming out to your partner will irreversibly and significantly impact your relationship FOREVER.  Coming out to my wife while we were dating is still up there among the most important and life altering conversations we have ever had.  And that conversation still continues (on some level) to this very day.  Coming out to your partner is something that can only be done once.  Regardless of how well you know your partner (or anyone else you may come out to) you really have no way of knowing how they will react.  They may be angry, hurt, confused, excited, relieved, or emotional. 

It’s important to treat coming out (and any potential reaction) with the appropriate gravitas.   Casually mentioning that you enjoy crossdressing, or hinting at it, might be appropriate for some relationships.  It wouldn’t have been the right method for when I came out to my wife.  Yes, perhaps if I had casually mentioned it to her after only a couple of weeks of dating that would be different.  But by the time I came out to her we had known each other for a long time, we dated passionately and deeply and intensely.  We spoke of getting engaged and moving in with each other.  I should have come out to her before we had conversations about our future.  By the time two people are married they have made serious and important commitments to one another.  Coming out after getting married is waaaay more serious than coming out while dating.  Treat the conversation as serious as it deserves to be.  Again, coming out to anyone will likely bring up a lot of emotions and conversations so please consider the weight that this revelation will likely have.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Who I am Not

It’s not always to describe or explain who we are.

For some, gender is as simple as boy OR girl.

But it’s not always pink and blue, is it?  Someone online posted that more people would identify as non-binary if they knew what it meant and I think there’s a lot of truth to that.  I think there’s a lot of us that think and feel emotions and have desires that don’t completely fall into the traditional thinking of what a boy or a girl “should” have.  

I think gender identity is as varied and as intimate and as personal as one’s religious beliefs.  Some people struggle with their faith if what they believe doesn’t line up with what their religion teaches.  When I was growing up I was told I was a boy (and I still am sometimes) but part of me wondered how I could be a boy if I wanted to wear dresses?

As I grew up I learned more about my own gender identity and made peace with who I was and what I wanted to wear.  It didn’t always make sense and I didn’t always understand WHY I was who I was (and still am) but as time passed I became more comfortable with not having a reason for why I was born this way.  It makes sense to me and really, that’s all that matters.  When I entered my first serious relationship and was dating someone I thought I would be with for a long time I knew I had to come out to her.  Explaining who I was and all the nuances and caveats that went with who I am and what I wanted was not easy.  Coming out is rarely easy and you are never quite sure how it will go.  Coming out for the first time EVER is not really something you can really prepare for.  I was asked questions I didn’t see coming or even considered.  She was confused, anxious, and a little upset.  And looking back it’s understandable.  I’ve been met with a similar response almost every time I’ve come out to someone.  This side of us can easily overwhelm someone.

I did my best to answer her questions and reassure her with who I am, what I wanted and what I didn’t want.  It didn’t go well.  At all.  But keep in mind this was twenty five years ago and all of the nuances of gender weren’t as understood as they are today.  Plus we were both young.  I am much more patient and self-aware today than I was when I was 21.

Coming out to her helped me prepare for future conversations about my gender identity.  Of course she asked if I was gay.  It’s silly to think this now but I was really thrown for a loop with this question.  Part of me wondered what gender identity (and what I wanted to wear) had anything to do with sexuality.  These days I still don’t think there’s a clear and straight (lol) line between gender identity and sexual preference but I know that every time I come out to someone THIS question will likely be asked.  

Of course, this is just me.  For some, there’s absolutely a connection between gender and sexuality.  And that’s okay!  I get it.  I understand that gender is very nuanced and personal and that we are all different.  Wearing lingerie or eyeliner doesn’t change who I want to sleep with but for others dressing opens up something inside of them that makes their sexuality a little more… flexible.  This side of me has nothing to do with eroticism or fetishism.  I feel confident and strong and beautiful when I am wearing beautiful clothes but I am not aroused by it.  There’s a difference.  

If we are going to come out to someone, we are going to be asked WHO we are and WHAT we want.  At the same time we also need to be prepared to discuss who we are NOT.  What don’t we want?  There’s a lot I want (flying pretty, a beautiful floor length back gown with a sweetheart neckline…) but this side of me is not about sex.  Again, I know for some this side of us is a fetish or at the very least there’s an aspect of arousal.  I also know that girls (or boys) like us attract certain types of people.  Whether it is a chaser or someone who fetishizes us, there’s often the expectation that we are who we are because of a sexual kink.

Because of this, it is not uncommon for someone like us to receive messages or emails or comments online about sex.  I know I get them.  And it’s exhausting.  Thankfully it’s easy to ignore and block people on most forms of social media.  But goodness it gets old to get messages like this.  On some level I get it.  I know that crossdressers and t-girls are fetishized.  I wish we weren’t but it’s the reality.   Comments, emails, and direct messages usually increase when I post or tweet a picture.  The type of photo usually influences the language that is used in said comments.  A lingerie picture will likely generate certain kinds of comments.  It’s never okay to send a sexually charged message because of a lingerie shot, (or any type of picture)  but I am prepared for it.  But I am surprised when I get a similar message when I post a more modest picture of myself in a skirt and jean jacket.  It might be a cute photo but it’s completely the polar opposite of a picture of a girl in a corset.  
It’s like… read the room, guys.  

I think readers of my website understand me and know where I am coming from.  I may have an array of photos from intimate to sexy to casual but I think if you spend enough time reading my ramblings you’ll see that my gender identity isn’t about eroticism.  Just because I post a lingerie picture on a bed it doesn’t mean I want a man in it.  A photo on Twitter, tweeted without context allows a lot more interpretation (and generates a lot more assumptions).  Because of these open interpretations, it’s not uncommon for the photo (or myself) to be misrepresented.  I did my lingerie shoot because I felt confident and comfortable.  I didn’t do it because I wanted to show off or anything like that.  Posting a picture from that shoot is more about being comfortable with who I am and my body.  I am not surprised that those types of pictures generate certain types of comments.  Not because I think I’m sexy or anything, but that’s kind of how it goes.  It doesn’t make it right but that’s unfortunately what happens.

I try to come off as classy.  I really do.  I know I wear short dresses but I’m a good girl.  It’s not realistic to live your life without someone else, be it your partner or a stranger on the internet, forming an opinion of you.  It’s easy for these assumptions to be wrong.  Just like it’s not uncommon for someone to ask if we are gay when we come out to them, it’s not surprising for a girl like us to get sexually charged or unwelcome messages and emails.  

I am not a sissy.  I am not looking for sex.  I am not confused.  I am not a drag queen.  I am not transitioning.

  There’s a lot of things I am, but there are a lot more that I am not.

Love, Hannah  

Ask Hannah!

What were your feelings and your thoughts the first time you used the ladies room?

The first time I used the ladies room was at a LGBTQ+ bar which is probably as safe as it gets.  I was still a LITTLE nervous, though.  Thankfully it was an uneventful experience.  I did take a few selfies and reapplied my lipstick just because I could, lol.

Since then, I have used the ladies room countless times and they have been without incident.  I do use a family restroom if there is an option to do so, but so far every visit has been fine.  Indeed, if anything there’s small talk with the other ladies about shoes or the outfits we’re wearing.  

I am fully aware of me being a t-girl in the ladies room, though.  I never want to make others feel uncomfortable but I am conscious of the fact that a transgender person in a bathroom is a political hot topic.  This… controversy seems to have died down a little over the last few years but I know at any time someone might react in a negative way and might cause trouble.  

I will always recommend the app Refugee Restroom when it comes to non-binary people looking for a bathroom.  

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Pink Fog – Trans in Spain


I recently received an email from Carla, a beautiful t-girl from Spain. She and a friend recently started a podcast that you may be interested in. It’s called ‘Pink Fog-Trans in Spain’ and is available on Spotify. I asked Carla to introduce herself and she has been kind enough to write a little about herself and share some photos of her. I hope you enjoy her podcast!

Love, Hannah

Hi everyone, my name is Carla.

How do I pack a lifetime into a short profile? I’m so happy to share my life experience on this wonderful site, so thank you to Hannah for giving me this opportunity.

Like everyone else, I have been cross dressing all my life. For most of it I just thought everyone did it, yet couldn’t explain why no one else I ever knew, spoke about it. So, I didn’t either.

In 2015 I was medically retired from the job I loved in the UK. I had been diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety disorder back in 2005 and eventually I broke. I lost more than half my income and together with my wonderful wife we decided to make a new life in Spain, where we wouldn’t need as much to live on. I was only 53.

Up until then, I had lived with at least one of my children and being able to dress as my real feminine self was very difficult. In Spain, it became much easier and I soon began to experiment. I didn’t have my own clothes and wore my wife’s clothes which proved difficult as she was a lot slimmer than me. There were some clothes that I was able to ‘borrow’ and when she was at work, I would help myself. I hated using her clothes and it seemed like I was intruding. I felt guilty doing so but carried on because I had to.

I realized it wasn’t all men ‘dabbling’ and there was something deeper going on and in 2016 I registered with the website ‘Crossdresser Heaven’. I found that I wasn’t the only one going through this dysphoria but still I hid myself away.

In June 2020, with Spain coming out of the world’s more severe lockdowns, I decided to confess all to my wife. I planned the speech for a few weeks and when I told her, a great weight lifted, or so I thought.

The actual coming out was the easy part and ‘dressing’ was to be negotiated and my feelings went from zero to one hundred very quickly. She showed me how to apply makeup and went shopping with me, even buying me clothes without me being there to choose them.

I fast forward to October 2021 and life is good. I found a Trans friend a year ago in a nearby town, in almost the same situation as me. Our wives support each other, and we go out as a four, both as married couple and as four girls. I went out for the first time in April this year and got fitted for a wig before having an ice cream on the sea front and a glass of wine in a local bar.

Buying clothes is difficult, at least at first it was. Online is great but sizing is an issue. Shoes are particularly difficult due to my wide feet. Now that I can go shopping as Carla, it’s much easier, so I try to shop most when I’m my real self. Cheaper clothes were the starting point and I’m hoping to update my wardrobe to something more in the future. Some of the women profiled on this site look incredible and are role models for me.

Since then, I go out every week and dress at home of a weekend. We have a business, so my wife wants to keep Carla separate from that. Carla gets into a car and drives off and that’s when she comes alive. In September, we went to Benidorm for Pride weekend. Not one piece of male clothing was taken and to spend four days and three nights as Carla was mind blowing.

The depression has mainly gone, although life in Spain helped in some way. I feel so complete when I am my true self and coming out to my close family has helped that. My three sons are completely supportive, in fact more than that, they are incredible young men. I have counseling, which helps as I struggle to see where my journey will end up. My counselor suggested I set up a podcast, which I discounted at first but have now published ‘Pink Fog – Trans in Spain’.

With the incredible support from my wonderful wife, I feel complete. I can’t remember the last time I felt this happy, if ever. What the future holds, it’s hard to predict. I’m approaching 60 and able at least in some part, to be the real person I was born to be. I’m still only ‘out’ to close family and selected friends and long for the day I don’t have to hide myself away.

I’ve finally found myself. I write poetry a lot, influenced by my experiences and I’m a qualified hypnotherapist, and can help people on their Trans journey. I find the profiles of different people on this site so uplifting and since I first discovered Hannah, and this wonderful site, my life has moved on another stage. We all learn from each other and I find the experiences of other ‘girls’ fascinating. I hope you enjoy my podcast and feel free to contact me. Like others reading this, I have found myself and hope you all do to.

Love Carla x

A Tale of Two Genders

Before the pandemic (I mean, we’re still in the pandemic but life is slowly going back to normal-ish), I traveled pretty often for my job.  I would go about once a month and would be gone anywhere from a couple of days to a week.  I have started to travel again for work and although I enjoy where I go and seeing people I work with, I always, always look forward to coming home.  After one or two nights in hotels I really long for my own bed, my home, and especially my wife.  I miss the familiar routine of my homelife when I travel.  I suppose it’s a fortunate thing to have two homes (if you will) that I enjoy being in.

During the pandemic I would sometimes get restless from being home for too long.  I am used to traveling, I am used to being in the office for certain meetings and work-related events.  Doing those same things remotely wasn’t the same, and I missed the places, the restaurants, the lingerie shops (obviously!), I would visit when I would travel.  Of course once I am settled into my hotel and I have a moment to rest I really long for my own home.  Once the busyness of travel and Lyft rides and meetings are over I have a chance to catch my breath and then the homesickness settles in.  

It’s a double-edged sword, I suppose. I like traveling but I don’t like being away from home, if that makes sense.

Like my gender identity, it’s like I have two lives.  The life I have at home, and the life I have when I am on the road (or in the air, I suppose).

Being bi-gender gives me a life that is divided into two parts.  Yes, some aspects of them do overlap but my boy life and my girl life have pretty defined boundaries (like sections of my closet).  Like feeling restless about being home during the pandemic, I felt the same way about being in boy mode for loooong periods of time during lockdown.  Yes, I could dress at home, but it wasn’t the same.  It’s not as much fun to dress to kill in stilettos and a LBD when you are in your own living room.  When I traveled for the first time after lockdown there was a certain thrill that I hadn’t felt in a while.  Traveling for work felt normal and routine for a bit but the first time on the plane in a year and half brought a certain excitement that I hadn’t felt for some time.  Going out en femme for the first time once the pandemic started brought similar emotions.

When I am in boy mode for too long, I miss and long for Hannah’s life, her wardrobe, and her friends.  But on the flipside, after the end of of a long (but fabulous) day en femme, I miss the small, intimate life that my boy side has.  I have a pretty short social battery and as much as I love Hannah’s life, her life requires me to be more chatty, more outgoing, more… present than my boy life demands.  The boy likes being home on a Saturday night.  Watching a movie with my wife, ordering takeout.  Hannah’s life is the opposite.  

And goodness, it’s exhausting.  

I mean, it’s wonderful and beautiful and essential, but after a ten to twelve hour day in Hannah’s life, it’s nice coming back to the boy life and feeling things quiet down.  I can rest, I can recharge, and I can center myself.  
Of course, Hannah’s life does the same thing for me.  When my makeup is done and I am dressed head to heels, I feel like I exhale.  The tension and anxiety and stress and pressure of my boy life takes a back seat for a bit and… well, it’s like a vacation from all of that.  

Working from home and traveling for work are about as opposite as you can get.  Some things are easier, some things take more work, there are advantages and drawbacks in both aspects.  I suppose both of my genders are not unlike both aspects of my career.  I know some of my colleagues love traveling.  They enjoy the time away from their spouses and children and dread going back home.  I feel sorry for them.  I feel sorry that they don’t have a homelife that they enjoy going back to.  I can’t relate to them.  After a day or so in a hotel I am ready to go back home.  Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed to have the dual life my career provides.  I get to see parts of the country I wouldn’t have the opportunity to have otherwise.  I suppose it’s just nice to have a homelife that I miss.

My gender identities are the same.  I love my home, and I love traveling.  I am lucky to have both aspects.  I’m glad to have two amazing cities to live in.  I’m fortunate to have two genders that I love.  As time passes I gain a better understanding of who I am and what I want.  The reason I don’t want to transition is that I like who I am, I like ALL of who I am.  I like going back and forth between gender presentations.  I don’t want to pick one.  While it’s true that stilettos are waaaay more fun to wear than a necktie, I don’t feel out of place or betraying myself when I am in boymode.  Both of my genders are different aspects of one life.

Love, Hannah