Everyday Lives

I am so used to being who I am that sometimes I lose sight of the uniqueness and strangeness that Hannah’s life is. It’s so normal for me to do what I do. I’ve gotten so accustomed to everything that makes up Hannah’s world whether it is reviewing lingerie or organizing MN T-Girl events or scheduling makeovers or setting up a photoshoot.

You know, things that aren’t part of my boy world. Things that aren’t a part of most people’s lives, regardless of their gender.

Sometimes I take a step back and look at, well, everything and I am reminded that although things are normal for me, they are also very different than what most people do or think about.

I was reminded of the contrast this weekend when I had coffee with someone I’ve been looking forward to meeting for a few years.

I woke up early, had coffee while scrolling through Twitter, shaved, put on a stocking, tore it, then put on another and then another. Tucked, cinched my corset, hooked my bra, put my breast forms on, wiggled into a dress, slipped on my wig, zipped up my knee-high boots, clipped my earrings, and strutted out the door.

After my makeover I visited a few stores and then I went to a coffee shop to meet the legendary Sybil, a fetish model based in the Twin Cities. We chatted about, well, all of this. Balancing commitments, professional careers and marriage and things that make up a life… or, in our cases, lives.

Anyone listening to this conversation would have been understandingly baffled and unable to relate to what a normal day was like for Sybil or myself. This unique life of different worlds and different genders is something many of you may be are able to identify with as well. Normality is relative.

After coffee I went home, changed to a boy, took the dog for a walk, and then ran an errand. I returned home, ordered a pizza which my wife picked up after running her own errands, and then spent an evening decompressing on the couch together. I was asleep by 9pm.

There’s little overlap in my two worlds. I like the relatively clear guardrails (in Sybil’s words) between HIM and HER. It requires a mental and emotional balance and discipline to time management that I’ve developed over the last ten years or so.

I like strutting around in a tight leather dress. I like zoning out on the couch eating pizza with my wife. It’s weird to think that I did both of these things in the same afternoon.

Love, Hannah

HB1156

Sometimes I will post something and I feel I am able to anticipate the likely responses the photo or link or article will generate.

Some of the expected comments can be fun, others can be polarizing and divisive… and others can be the equivalent to setting a room on fire and quickly closing the door behind you.

I love the diverse readership this website has. It’s encouraging that regardless of what is posted there will likely be some sort of interaction with it. Not that I need the validation but I do like sharing content or thoughts that connects with others even if it’s just others also sharing their love of high heels.

There are some readers who will email me after certain types of posts that, well, yell at me when I discuss certain topics. It would be almost funny if it wasn’t so intense.

Actually, what IS funny is when someone sends a very very very long and angry email about drag queen story time that they obviously put a lot of work into and I just delete it without reading it, lol.

Sometimes if I have an admittingly shallow post about how much I love lingerie, I’ll get emails that tell me I need to stop being so superficial and be more serious about gender identity.

If I discuss legislation that targets the LGBTQ+ community, I get emails calling me a woke bitch and I should stick to talking about dresses.

Thank God for the block and filtering options that Gmail has.

One particular trigger for some readers is anything that has anything to do with transgender youth. Some of my more… opinionated readers will send me clips from Fox News about doctors “mutilating” children who have undergone gender affirming medical care. Some articles that are forwarded to me are about drag queens grooming children. These things are simply not happening.

Anyone undergoing any sort of medical treatment when it comes to gender identity has likely gone through years of therapy and counseling. These procedures are not taken lightly. A person getting the genitalia that coincides with their gender identity is crucial and even life-saving in some situations. Someone’s choice to proceed with that is their choice and is not something that someone just “decides” to do.

Listen.

I can’t relate to needing to transition. I can’t relate to needing different anatomical features that better fit their gender identity. I don’t feel dysphoria beyond simply not feeling cute sometimes. Because of this, I can’t relate to someone who really felt that it was necessary to undergo medical care regarding their gender identity.

BUT I know that for others it’s important and unquestionably necessary. Who am I to say to what is right for someone else? Who am I to say whether or not someone should make a decision that only impacts themselves?

Listen.

I have known who I am for over four decades. Over the years I have changed the terms that I identify with and have come to a stronger and clearer understanding of who I am and what is right for me. It’s a journey, remember? One that almost all of us begin very early on in life. One that likely begins in childhood.

From the moment I tried on “girl clothes” I knew. But I also knew that although I had the option to change my gender legally and medically, I knew that it wasn’t right for me. Decades later the needle on this hasn’t twitched at all. Knowing this, I also accept that for others the need for a change is indeed there and has also likely been there since childhood.

A teenager, even someone younger, knowing that their legal gender isn’t right for them is absolutely a reality for many. And it’s a reality I know exists even if it’s not a feeling I can relate to either at the age I am now or when I was younger.

Again, it’s not for me or for anyone else to decide what is right for someone else. And! It’s not as simple of a decision where someone, regardless of their age, can wake up and legally change their gender and start on medication and schedule surgery as easily as setting up an oil change. These steps take months and even years of therapy and medical appointments. These steps are crucial in helping someone making sure that this decision is indeed the right direction for them.

Simply put, changing one’s gender (legally) and changing their body (to fit one’s gender identity) are not easy things to do. They require the help and recommendations of many, many professionals.

If a fourteen year old kid feels the need to change their gender I absolutely cannot relate to needing to do that… but I also know that they themselves know what is right for them. AND I know IF they proceed they will work with many trained and qualified professions in determining if this is indeed appropriate for them.

Today I am sharing a petition that a parent in Arkansas asked me to bring some attention to. This is in response to to a proposed bill, HB1156, which will require transgender students to use only the bathroom based on the gender on their birth certificate. This is a relatively new bill that is a somewhat modified version of a proposal that thankfully did not pass in 2021 called HB 1749. This bill would have legally forbidden teachers and public figures the use preferred names or pronouns for transgender students.

This parent pointed out that if this bill passes, it will also increase problems with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is a legitimate medical problem, and is included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Trans youth with gender dysphoria often have trouble coping at school already, and it can lead to anxiety, depression, self-harm, eating disorders, drug use, and even suicide.

Some of my readers are convinced that someone using a bathroom is entirely for deviant and nefarious and sexual reasons. I mean, do they not know what a bathroom is REALLY used for? When I am out en femme I always use the ladies room. And I use a men’s bathroom for the same reason I do when I am in male mode. I am not there to expose myself or harass anyone. I am there because I have to pee. Trans students are using the restroom for the same reason. If I was forced to use the men’s room when out en femme it would be very uncomfortable for everyone involved.

And pronouns are a big deal. I’ve been called male pronouns as Hannah and it stings worse than I could have imagined. If I were transitioning or living fulltime and I was constantly called HIM I think it would impact my self-esteem in pretty terrible ways.

And pronouns AREN’T a big deal at the same time. I am happy to call someone by what they want. Liz instead of Elizabeth? No problem. They instead of him? No problem. Mistress Pain instead of Janet? No problem, Mistress.

In her email, she writes I have created a petition on Change.org to try and prevent this bill becomes a harsh reality. Please help me fight this, and help our children to be safe, accepted and comfortable in Arkansas schools. With every signature, we hope to raise awareness, in the hopes the bill won’t pass. It is slow going and I am reaching out to others to help spread the word.

Please consider giving this petition a signature. I did!

Due to the sensitivity of this and due to the pattern of trolls when it comes to discussions regarding gender identity for those under the age of eighteen I have disabled comments for this post.

Sorry, not sorry.

Love, Hannah

Crossdressing and Guilt

I don’t think crossdressing is a big deal.

I mean, obviously presenting as a gender that is different than the gender that is stated on my birth certificate is an enormous part of my life and who I am and I am always wearing clothes that are “for girls” but I have absolutely no… negative or uncomfortable thoughts or emotions about this side of me or about this side of my closet.

I mean, yes I get a little paranoid about someone seeing my bra strap in male mode or the lacy edge of my panties peeking over the waistband of my pants but really, that’s about it.

Of course, when I was younger the FEAR was there, of course. The fear of getting caught, the fear of someone finding out. This fear ranged from my mom arriving home earlier than I expected to the fear of a friend spotting me at the lingerie boutique at the mall.

But guilt wasn’t something I felt very often.

I never thought I, as someone that is legally a boy, was doing something wrong by trying on a dress. I’m not breaking any laws after all. It is not immoral to wear panties. I am not hurting anyone by sleeping in a nightgown.

When I did feel guilt it wasn’t because of crossdressing itself. I felt guilt because I was wearing something that I told someone I wouldn’t wear.

Again, I don’t think crossdressing is a big deal. And I think for most of our partners it’s not a big deal. No, it’s what we do that is associated with crossdressing that is an issue.

What I mean is that I often get emails from partners of crossdressers and many of them tell me that, for the most part, they really don’t mind that their husband wears panties. The issue comes from their partners lying about their crossdressing or being, well, reckless about it.

For example, a crossdresser’s wife may have no problem with what their husband wears to sleep, but it’s what their husband wears to bed. Does that make sense? Some people don’t want to be intimate with their partner if their lover ALWAYS wears lingerie for sexy times. It’s typical for someone to feel it’s no longer about lovemaking but more about an opportunity for their partner to wear lingerie.

Some partners will express that they are frustrated when their husband spends more money on clothes than they can really afford. Neglecting a car payment because you purchased a new pair of high heels is, well, not a good situation. It’s not necessarily about the heels, it’s about not being fiscally responsible.

Going outside the agreed upon boundaries is also a cause for concern. If your partner asks you to not post photos online or they ask you to avoid certain stores because you may inadvertently bump into someone your partner knows… but you do these things anyway… it is a complete violation of trust. Again, it’s not exclusively the crossdressing/presenting en femme that is the issue, it’s breaking a promise.

Why do we do these things? The Pink Fog.

But this post isn’t about The Pink Fog. It’s about guilt.

The first time I felt real guilt was when I was in my early twenties. I had come out to someone, a girlfriend, for the very first time and it didn’t go the way I had hoped. And that’s okay. This was about (oh God) twenty-five years ago and we were both young. We weren’t mature or experienced enough to have THIS element in our relationship and I was still working through a few things. Besides, having a non-cisgender partner is a lot for someone to go through.

My hope was for her to suggest hitting the mall to go shopping but she essentially had two requests:

  1. That I stop
  2. That I don’t discuss this again

I mean, good for her..? She was very clear about her boundaries and letting me know that she wasn’t a fan of having a crossdressing partner. It was a very black and white conversation.

Were these fair requests? Maybe not but again, we were both young and in the relatively early days of a relationship. It’s not like this was a revelation thirty years into a marriage and THIS was one more thing for the two of us to handle and communicate about.

Fearing the idea the relationship ending I quickly agreed. I mean, I was naïve. I thought I could stop.

lol.

I mean, I knew I wasn’t ever going to stop BEING a crossdresser but I thought I could resist.

Again, lol.

Please understand. Her reaction and her requests don’t make her a bad person. This conversation was, in a way, a product of the times, as they say. The complexities of gender identity weren’t as discussed or as familiar as they are today. I also could have come out in a more… accurate way. Back then I was a CROSSDRESSER and with that word came all the baggage that the word came with. If I were to come out to anyone today I would use different language.

Anyway.

I told her I would stop and that was, more or less, the end of it.

Sort of.

We wouldn’t discuss IT very often or for very long after that initial conversation… but stopping? No. But God help me I tried.

Mind you, I didn’t try to stop because I thought there was anything wrong with crossdressing. I tried to stop because I told her I would.

It didn’t take long for me to explore her side of the closet when she wasn’t home. It wasn’t unusual for me to drive to a boutique to try on dresses.

The siren song was too powerful for me to resist.

This is when, for the first time, I really felt guilt about what I was doing. I was going behind her back, I was unquestionably breaking a promise.

Of course, whether or not this was a fair promise is another story, but regardless I was still doing it.

I was afraid, once again, of being caught. She would forever remember The Talk so it wasn’t about keeping it a secret that I was a crossdresser, it was the fear of being caught after my promise to her.

Listen.

I don’t think there is ANYTHING wrong with crossdressing.

Or, to be more specific, I don’t think there is anything wrong with crossdressing ITSELF.

I believe in justice and morality. Which isn’t necessarily the same thing as law and religion.

Let me explain.

I don’t think it’s unrealistic to fear that crossdressing will be illegal in some parts of the United States in the future. Now, before you think I am being paranoid or an alarmist, let me clarify. It doesn’t take too long to find stories of people protesting drag shows or banning books with LGBTQ+ characters or stories. The justification for these actions are usually very subtle. In many cases the laws that are being discussed or passed usually don’t explicitly say “this book is banned because it has a part where two boys kiss”. It’s typically something more… broad such as banning the book because it has “adult themes” or whatever. Drag shows aren’t banned because it’s now against the law for a “boy to wear a dress” but it’s because someone thinks a drag show is about SEX.

Now, you may be thinking that regulating drag queens isn’t going to be impact you. Afterall, you might not think of yourself as doing drag. I certainly am not a drag queen. But for some people these nuances don’t exist. For some people there is not difference between a t-girl wearing a t-shirt and jeans running errands and a drag queen in towering stilettos lip-synching to a Madonna song at a gay bar.

It’s not unrealistic to imagine a law passing that says something along the lines of it being illegal for anyone to wear anything that conflicts with the gender on their birth certificate. If that happens, clothes could be “regulated” and a state could essentially have a dress code.

This is what I mean when I say I am afraid that “crossdressing” will be illegal. If this happens I know I would be “breaking the law” by wearing panties but all the laws in the world will never convince me that I am doing anything “wrong”.

When it comes to religion, I am well aware that there are religious texts in holy books which state, or are interpreted in a perspective that says crossdressing is immoral or is a sin.

Although God may be omnipotent and all-knowing, I really, really, really don’t think any deity cares what I am wearing. “Thou Shalt Not Wear Panties” could be the number one commandment but I still wouldn’t think I was a sinner.

Of course, I would also need to be a Christian to believe that not adhering to what the Bible says making me a sinner. I am not a Christian. If anything, I am agnostic.

But this post isn’t about religion. It’s about….

Um. Hang on, let me reread what I wrote.

Oh yes, it’s about the guilt some of us feel when we wear what we want to.

If crossdressing was clearly a sin or a crime, I still wouldn’t feel I was doing anything immoral. If I speed, sure, I might feel guilty about breaking the law. When I was younger and raised as Catholic I felt guilt if I didn’t attend Sunday service. But I didn’t ever feel guilty about crossdressing itself. Like a lot of aspects to THIS, it’s usually not about wearing a dress, it’s about the… actions that are associated with it.

I write a LOT about relationships and crossdressing. I’ve gotten countless emails from partners of those like you and I. Every crossdresser is different, every relationship is different and it goes without saying that every relationship with a crossdresser is different. But there are a few broad generalities I’ve realized.

I am always pleasantly surprised when I see an email from someone who tells me that their husband crossdresses and, well, they don’t mind at all. They may not understand it but they know that this is who they are and will unlikely ever change. They have gotten used to their man wearing panties or even presenting en femme. It is what it is.

But the… tension and frustration usually comes from aspects that this side of us can bring. Obviously I buy a lot a of clothes but it’s nowhere as much as I used to. The Pink Fog hit me hard and I often spent more money on shoes than I should have. My wife and I keep our finances, more or less, separate but when I couldn’t afford to pay a bill on time because I *had* to have a new pair of stilettos then things became understandably tense. I was being irresponsible.

For some of our partners there are frustrations involving intimacy. Some spouses tell me they don’t mind that their husband wears lingerie… but they have requested that they not wear it during sexy time. Similarly some wives tell me they think that the only reason their husband is intimate with them is so they have an excuse to wear a pretty negligee.

Finances and intimacy are significant parts of any relationship. If anything impacts these things, whether its’s crossdressing, an expensive hobby, or working too much, a home can become very tense.

Bringing crossdressing into a relationship is going to involve a LOT of change. It will forever impact the dynamic between two people. Boundaries, rules, and requests are pretty normal. Some of the more common guidelines include:

  1. No lingerie during sex
  2. Not posting photos online
  3. Avoiding certain parts of a town when out en femme
  4. Discussing things with each other before coming out to anyone new

I think these are all pretty reasonable, to be honest. Again, this is a lot to put onto our partners and I think it’s perfectly acceptable for us to make a few concessions.

bUt it’S mY LifE you might be saying. You might feel you should be able to do whatever you want whenever you want. If you feel that way then why did you get married? A relationship is about compromise and creating a life WITH someone else and committing to making it work. If a person wants to do whatever they want whenever they want then maybe, just maybe, they shouldn’t get married.

But that’s just my perspective.

Just like I get emails from our partners, I also get emails from people like myself. It’s pretty normal for someone to share with me details of their relationship and how they make it work or ask for my take on something. It’s also not uncommon for someone to, well, confess that they are violating some of the agreed upon boundaries.

I promised my wife I wouldn’t post pictures but I have been doing so on a crossdressing website

I promised my wife I wouldn’t go to a certain mall en femme because a lot of her friends shop there but I went there anyway

I think you get the point. It’s the violation of trust that is the problem, not the crossdressing ITSELF. Their partners are fine with this side of them but sometimes this side of us makes us prone to doing things we shouldn’t.

Lying about this side of us is unfortunately not uncommon. We might lie about where we went en femme (such as the mall example), not that we went out en femme. Again, it’s not about BEING en femme that is the issue, it’s about the lie.

Does that make sense? I hope so because I am moving on.

With these confessions comes the guilt. Again, it’s not feeling guilty FOR crossdressing… it’s the guilt that comes from activity and behavior associated with crossdressing.

I am not writing this as a lecture or anything like that. I am no angel and I have made many mistakes. Crossdressing has led to me to making decisions that I regret. Some mistakes were financial, some were within my marriage, especially in the early days when Hannah was emerging. I talked and talked and talked about HER and about clothes and every conversation my wife and I had likely had something to do with Hannah. It overwhelmed my wife and these one-sided discussions left no breathing room for her.

Once my head came above the water I could see how selfish and inconsiderate I was. I felt remorse and a tremendous amount of guilt for being blind to how my wife was feeling.

Again, it wasn’t crossdressing itself (although there are feelings our partners have about that), it was what came with it.

Crossdressing is, for the most part, legal and, in my opinion, not unethical. There is nothing immoral about wearing what you wish. Sure, social norms tell us differently but those are just norms. At one point it wasn’t the norm for women to wear slacks or for women to dine without a male companion. Things change… but it’s best when things evolve.

For those who feel guilt about who you are, think again. Religion, politics, and social norms are very likely the reason you feel this way. Spend a moment and consider if this guilt is because of these intangible reasons. For the life of me I can’t even fathom why it is “immoral” for me to wear a dress. I can’t rationalize why any government spends even a day debating about a law that impacts what someone is permitted to wear.

Hopefully there will be a day when we look back on these days and wonder why we as a society cared about the clothes people wore.

Love, Hannah

A Son and a Daughter

I don’t have many memories of my dad when he wasn’t yelling at me or my siblings or my mom or the television or a neighbor or a piece of mail or the dog or anyone that just happened to cross his path.

Don’t worry, this post isn’t as heavy as the opening sentence is suggesting.

Anyway, he finally left when I was eighteen and I don’t think I’ve seen him since. Growing up in such an abusive environment will absolutely impact you. It was worse than not having a father at all. My mom did, in retrospect and especially under the circumstances, an absolutely remarkable job raising me and my three siblings in the household we all grew up in. She did her best and as time passes I realize just how difficult this likely was. My respect and appreciation for her grows.

Considering the year I was born and when my formative years were, I wasn’t raised in the most… enlightened times. Girls were taught how to cook, boys were taught how to do, well, boy things. My mom taught my sisters the things moms teach girls how to do and well, my dad taught me, by example, how to drink.

Goodness this is getting heavy but I promise things will turn around soon. I haven’t forgotten that this is a website that focuses on panties and makeup.

Anyway, we learn what we are taught and I wasn’t REALLY taught how to do BOY things. I can’t throw a football and I can’t throw a punch. Which is fine, these are not skills that negatively impact my life whatsoever.

Essentially I was raised in a very… gendered household. Sort of. My sisters were not taught how to do things boys do buuuuut I wasn’t taught these things either. AND since I wasn’t taught “girl things” such as cooking I entered adulthood not very well prepared to do… well, anything.

I mean, I knew SOME girl things like how to take off my bra without removing my shirt so there’s that, I suppose.

And yes I have a brother and yes in many cases brothers teach their younger brothers “boy things” but remember he was also raised in the same household and he couldn’t teach me skills he himself wasn’t taught either.

And yes some of you may be thinking that I am the “way I am” because of the environment I was raised in. After all, I wasn’t “taught how to be a boy” so I must have learned how to “be a girl” but I assure you that’s not the case at all. I have more early memories of lipstick and high heels than of my dad. I suppose some of that is intentional.

Not knowing how to do “boy things” impacts my life as an adult on occasion. This is especially true in our new home. For almost fifteen years my wife and I lived in a townhouse and the yardwork and snow removal were not our responsibility so there was no need to own machines like a lawnmower or a snowblower. Our new home has a yard and The Longest Driveway In The World, therefore I had to acquire new things to put in my garage next to the boxes of dresses I don’t have room for in my closet.

See? This is a crossdressing blog. I haven’t forgotten.

With these new machines I needed to learn how to use them. I needed to be taught. It’s an interesting and humbling experience to be shown skills that all of my male friends my age already have but I’d like to see them cinch up a corset or walk in five inch stilettos.

Anyway!

I put off obtaining some of the new expensive… things until it was inevitable. It snows in Minnesota and it usually snows a LOT. After shoveling the aforementioned driveway a couple of times I gave in and soon a snowblower was in my garage.

My wife and I put it together and I actually read the instructions and despite all my shortcomings I was able to get it to work, I felt like Doctor Frankenstein as it roared angerly to life. IT’S ALIVE!

My father-in-law called and gave some very needed and appreciated advice about this new machine. I listened closely but at the same time a thought whispered in the far recesses of my mind that this was a conversation that, in a traditional gender role way, men have with their sons.

This conversation, along with the other talks he and I have, are new and strange to me. I have little experience being talked to “as a son” from a father. Please don’t misunderstand. These talks are touching and appreciated. My father-in-law is kind and gentle. It’s about as opposite of an experience as I am used to and I can’t help but contrast the experience to the dynamic I had with my own father.

My mom taught me a lot of “boy things” as best as she could but admittingly there wasn’t many lessons. She was raised in a similar household and despite my dad’s penchant for being constantly inebriated he more or less took care of the Man Things in the house.

I think many kids have a desire and a need to connect with their parents. My mom and sisters had a connection and there were small things my mom and I had in common but early on in my childhood I… kind of went off the tracks a bit.

I wasn’t “a bad kid”. I rarely got into trouble and to do this day I’ve never even had a cigarette. But goodness I fought back when I entered my teenage years. My dad, for whatever reason, singled me out. He ignored my brother and was a little more restrained with his temper with my sisters… but me? Oh, he hated me.

And no, he didn’t know about my crossdressing so I don’t think any of his anger was influenced by having a “sissy” for a son.

And I mean “sissy” in a stereotypical, 1970’s-era sense, not in a fun sense, lol.

He and I clashed ALL THE TIME.

And my poor mother was caught in the middle. Torn between wanting to protect me, her child, and needing to avoid my dad when he was angry or drunk or both.

I survived these years and through therapy I have found peace and come to terms with this part of my life.

The anger was a difficult part to work through. Of course much of one’s anger is rooted in feeling hurt. I suppose part of me was angry at my mom for “letting” my dad do what he did. It wasn’t until I was in an abusive relationship myself that I understood how frightening this situation could be. I understood it wasn’t as simple as leaving. She never “let” my dad do anything. She was scared, too.

It was at this point that my anger started to thaw. My anger faded into understanding. I could relate to my mom. I started to get it. My appreciation for her under those abusive circumstances began to take hold.

But it took about a decade for my mom and I to connect and have a relationship as a parent and a child.

This has become, in a way, a non-gendered relationship and dynamic. What I mean is that I don’t feel she talks to me as a mother to a son. No, it’s parent to child.

Since I am bi-gendered I need to have different connections to different people based on my different gender identities. What HE needs are different than what Hannah needs, if that makes sense. I need my wife for companionship and love and stability and peace. Hannah needs girlfriends to go shopping with and rave about stilettos.

As Hannah’s life began to take form and as she created her world and life and make friends I started to learn what SHE needed in terms of relationships. Hannah needs friends. I mean, we ALL do.

The MN T-Girls is a very diverse group of transwomen. Some of the members are in their twenties, some are grandparents. I have different conversations with the different girls based on not only their age but conversations are also influenced by where they are on their journey. Some girls I feel an almost sisterhood with based on our similar age and experiences.

Many of the members are older than I am. Many of them are my mom’s age.

This is when a very particular emotion begins to stir in my mind and heart. A similar feeling to my father-in-law discussing snowblower maintenance with me.

Parent to child.

Father to son.

Mother to daughter.

Having a maternal figure talk to Hannah about, well, girl things, is… hard to put into words. It feels validating and wonderful. To clarify it’s not always and exclusively a conversation about makeup or anything traditionally femme that I am enjoying, it’s more about Hannah talking with someone a little older and wiser about life, you know? In my male life HE can talk to HIS mom about these things but like with anything, conversations en femme hit a little different.

That being said, I must admit it tugs at my heart when I think that I wish my mom had a relationship with Hannah.

When I came out to my mom I did so with the hope in my soul that she and Hannah would meet up for a coffee or shopping. Of course it didn’t turn out that way and I have come to peace with that. It’s okay. Really. Promise.

My mom loves me, she knows Hannah exists, but she doesn’t want to know her. And that’s okay. Having a non-cisgender child is a lot to take in.

I don’t take it personally. Not anymore. Really. Promise.

Being able to express my gender identity and to present as one of my gender identities is incredibly important and fulfilling. And essential. It wasn’t until Hannah’s world started to form when I learned that relationships are important as well.

I like being my mom’s child. I like being my wife’s dad’s son-in-law.

And Hannah likes feeling like a daughter.

Love, Hannah

Keg and Case and Stilettos

This past Saturday was the first MN T-Girls event of the year! This November we will be celebrating our ten year anniversary and my goal for 2023 is to have as many new events for the group as possible. I mean, we’ll still have many of our normal adventures like attending Pride and our holiday parties but I am hoping to strut around new locations and have new experiences.

For our January event we met up at Keg and Case Market a food hall/indoor market in Saint Paul. It’s a little hard to explain but there are small pop-up retailers and a coffee ship and a brewery and tiny restaurants.

We got together for girl talk and coffees and cocktails and just enjoyed a quiet afternoon after the chaos of the recent holidays.

It was a fun day and we all looked amazing.

Love, Hannah

Okay, Real Quick

Okay real quick…

If you are out en femme and someone sees you as “a dude in a dress” or thinks “that’s a man”, fuck them.

I mean, don’t sleep with them, but fuck them.

Of course, you won’t ever know what anyone is thinking but that’s beside the point.

Here’s the thing. I don’t think ANYONE in the world sees Hannah and thinks “she’s a cisgender girl”. Which is totally fine for two reasons.

  1. I am not a cisgender girl
  2. I am not trying to present as one

I fully anticipate people to see me and think:

  1. She’s a transgender girl

Which is totally fine! I AM a transgender girl. I have NO issue with someone knowing or thinking that I am transgender. To me, it’s not different than someone thinking that I am tall (absolutely true) or that I am wearing a dress that is too short (likely true).

Again, you won’t EVER know what someone is thinking unless you walk up to them and ask which is TOTALLY weird. Don’t do that.

IF someone sees me and thinks “that’s a man”, guess what? They are likely a transphobic asshole.

And really, who cares what a transphobic asshole thinks??

If someone is transphobic they will likely NEVER think of me as anything other than “a man in a dress”. I could legally change my name and legal gender, I could have facial surgery, I could take hormones and have a lot of different medical procedures… and to them I will still likely be a “man in a dress”.

I think (most) people are complex and have good attributes as well as “areas of improvement” but sometimes people are just assholes and that kind of is, well, who they are. Speaking for myself there are some things that are just irredeemable and invalidates any sort of good in them.

For example!

I had a coworker years ago that I got along with fairly well. We would partner on work projects and became work friends. Things were fine. And then one day he had a little rant about “the gays” and, well, that was kind of the end of our friendship.

I can’t overlook or see past sexism, racism, homophobia, or transphobia. His perspective and opinions about the LGBTQ+ community showed who he was.

Did he have less repulsive attributes? Sure. But was he still homophobic? Sure. Do I need to associate with someone I absolutely disagree with when it comes to their perspective on someone who ISN’T straight? Nope.

If someone sees you as “a man in a dress”, fine. Whatever. They are likely an asshole. Who cares what they think?

Besides, you are YOU for yourself. Not for anyone else.

Love, Hannah

The Wind

I don’t think I’ve been out in the real world much lately.

En femme, that is.

The last few months have been chaotic between settling into our new house, work, and the holidays. Hannah’s recent outings have all been with the MN T-Girls for our Halloween party, holiday party, and annual photo shoot. These events have been at someone’s home, a rented studio, and a hotel. On these days I would leave the house and go to my makeup appointment and then zip right off to the event.

I haven’t had much time just… wandering about.

Despite, well, everything, I like the world. I like the small moments that happen in a cafe, browsing bookstores, and hoping to find a cute dress at a thrift shop.

Doing these things in stilettos make it even more fun.

I think part of the appeal is simply being curious how different something can be en femme. Feeling the wind in my long hair or listening to the click of my heels on the sidewalk are different sensory experiences than when I just shuffle silently through my day in male mode.

It’s like… noticing a bird singing. Something small that makes things just a tiny bit better. A reminder that the world is beautiful. I mean, we have animals that create music. If that isn’t magic I don’t know what is.

This curiosity can extend to seeing how the world responds to Hannah. HIS experiences and Hannah’s experiences are likely going to be different. No one looks at HIM as if he’s a freak of a nature but then again no one compliments HIM on his outfit.

Going out en femme is a break from the real world at times. A respite from HIS life of bills and work responsibilities. A small vacation in a way. He is always racing around and being productive. He doesn’t hear the birds singing.

I am reminded of the cliched story line in a movie where the workaholic husband realizes that life is more than just his career and he needs to step away and focus on what is really important. It’s kind of like that, if you follow.

A day out sounds heavenly right now, doesn’t it? I need to wander and lose myself in the day. I need to spend hours looking at old books and dresses and never checking the time or my email.

I need the wind in my hair and to hear the music of nature.

Or the wind on my dress, lol.

Love, Hannah

I Have a Question

Just… throwing something out here.

IF I were to do a video series about, well, all (or just some) of this, what would you like to see?

I spent way too much time on this stupid image

I have resisted doing video for a lonnnnng time but every once in a while I think a question that I am asked would be better answered with, well, a demonstration.

Thanks to the magic of the internet it’s usually pretty easy to find a video that shows how to change a tire or how to bake a pie or how to apply makeup.

But! What about videos about how to do things en femme?

And I am not talking about how to shingle a roof in stilettos, but more along the lines of what is it like to get a bra fitting? What does a conversation with a makeup artist sound like? How in the world does someone put on a corset?

I know this isn’t an entirely original idea but I still think it would be fun. I’m sure there are other t-girls out there doing something along these lines.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

This would be a huuuuuge strut into a new world for me. I mean, ya’ll would finally hear my voice, lol.

Love, Hannah

Jazzin’ it Up

Oh, hi!

I’ve had a lot of wordy posts lately and I think we’re overdue for some pictures to jazz things up.

So, here is a preview of the pictures from the recent photo shoot with the MN T-Girls. The first three outfits are from En Femme and the fourth outfit I found on Amazon. I bought that dress after I wrote a post about, well, living in the moment, I suppose.

I can’t wait to share more pictures and I really hope you like these.

Love, Hannah

Love, Hannah