National Coming Out Day was earlier this week and it always makes me feel…a little left out.
Coming out is a life-changing experience. It forever alters the relationship you have with those you come out to. Sometimes its a weight off your shoulders, sometimes they admit they already knew, or at least it’s not a surprise. Sometimes it goes horribly wrong. Sometimes it’s all of them. It’s a huge risk as we will never really know how someone will react until we do it. I am sensitive to those we come out to as it will forever change how they see us and a certain level of care and consideration needs to be kept in mind when we do.
I think at this point in my life I have come out to everyone that I ultimately will. I don’t feel the need to come out to anyone else. A few years ago I felt that I should tell my mom and siblings. I felt that this was big enough, and important enough, that they should know. I also wanted to come out to them because, well, this is big enough and important enough to me.
My immediate family are kind, loving people. Fiercely liberal, supportive and allies to everyone in the LGBTQIA spectrum. I wish I could say that coming out to them “accomplished” what I wanted to. I had hoped that my mom and siblings would have a cup of coffee or hit the mall with Hannah. That hasn’t happened (well, except for that one time) and I doubt it will.
Please understand that I don’t think negatively of them because of this. Coming out to someone is tricky. It can be hard on those we come out to, and it’s hard for us to get it right. We only have one chance to come out to someone the first time and how we do it will set the tone going forward. I’m sure coming out as any part of the LGBTQIA spectrum is hard for different reasons and I don’t know what it’s like to come out as anything other than transgender.
In my experience, coming out as transgender is very hard. Being trans means different things to different people. Me being trans is different than Caitlyn Jenner or Chaz Bono being transgender. I think most people think of someone being transgender as one who has, or will, permanently change how they present themselves to the world. I think most people think that being transgender means they have, or will, or are going through hormone therapy and surgery.
And for some trans people, yes, that’s exactly what being transgender means. But as I’ve written before, gender is a spectrum. I don’t want to transition. I never have. Being trans to me means not committing to presenting as only one gender for the rest of my life. I have to explain what being transgender means and what it means to me and what it means to the person I come out to.
As anyone who has come out before, you know this can be exhausting.
I honestly think I would come out to more people if it was easier to explain and to understand. But it is what it is and I have accepted it.
National Coming Out Day creates a bit of a pang of regret. I read stories all day from others who came out and had amazing experiences with their family and friends. I was happy to read so many wonderful stories. I was happy for those that came out and proud of how supportive the people they came out to were. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous and sadness when I thought of own coming out.
We can come out to everyone in our lives and receive endless support from them, but sometimes the really important people in our lives are the ones we need the most love and acceptance from.
As I’ve said I have accepted things and I am luckier beyond any hopes and dreams I ever had. I have the love and understanding and help from my patient and amazing wife. I have a wardrobe that exceeds any fantasy I ever had. I couldn’t ask for more. And I won’t.
I hope everyone has love and support and understanding from at least one person in their life. I hope everyone has at least one fabulous dress in their closet that makes them happy, I hope everyone has at least one killer pair of heels that they never thought they would have.
We all have our own stories and experiences when it comes to coming out. If you would like to share them in the comments I would love to read them.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Hi Hannah
Your post really touched me.
My situation, very broadly speaking, resembles yours (not wanting to transition, spouse supportive).
My coming out has been more limited than yours. I told the members of my family (my parents are both dead) and very few gay friends, and I almost never go out enfemme. Even though in Canada we are well protected legally speaking, nonetheless, there can be sonsequences. I am a freelance classical musician and music teacher, with no guaranteed income, and I cannot help but think that if the mothers of the teenage girls I teach would learn about my femme side, I would lose most of my teaching, even if nothing would be said about my femme side. My colleagues musicians might not understand (the vast majority know nothing about trans issues) and the music contractors would probably not hire me as much either (I have seen that happen with the only openly transwoman musician in our area).
Also, coming out to my children has been both rewarding and disappointing. My eldest daughter told me that she felt that transpeople are enriching society and everybody’s life. I have rarely heard something so beautiful and legitimating. On the other hand, my second daughter, who is lesbian, has a hard time accepting my reality and never talks about it.
But all in all, I think the biggest issue is how I vew myself. Too often I feel like a failed man and a failed woman. If I came out of the binary, maybe I would feel better, but this is how I am: very binary and, most of the time, comfortable being a man and profoundly at peace and whole when I am a woman.
Thank you for letting me share my story and thank you for your very comforting and inspirational blog.
Béatrice
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Interesting post Hannah. I have come out to only a handful of people and like you say each time was a risk as I didn’t know how the person would react. Sometimes I wish everyone knew but obviously that would be too risky as people can be negative towards us. Even with careful explanation they would draw the conclusions and this could leave us feeling alienated.
To this day, my Wife, Dad, Sister, youngest Daughter and two colleagues at work know about my alter ego. I have explained to them that I don’t want to become a full time woman and that I just love all things feminine such as clothes, heels, jewellery, perfume, painted nails etc. Some understood, some didn’t but luckily they didn’t judge me.
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I think people have an easier time understanding extreme binaries (straight or gay, male or female), but when we are in the middle it takes more time to explain and more effort from others.
Love, Hannah
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A beautiful post Hannah. All praise to your wonderful and supportive wife. It brings a spark of joy to me to hear of such love.
Geraldine
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Hanna,
I accidentally outed myself to my wife last year. She asked me the usual questions such as: are you gay. I’m not. I just told her I was born this way and I always wished I’d been born a girl. She seemed to accept this, and told me she still loved me. We have not talked about it since. I’ not out to anyone else, especially my family. My older brother is very homophobic and would probably disown me if he knew I like to wear women’s clothes. Most people are just not accepting of us transgendered women. While it is extremely unlikely, I’m hoping my wife will suggest I dress up for Halloween. I have a cute red dress and that pair of killer heels for the occasion. I love your blog.
Kerry
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People who are transgender are often misunderstood and we have to do our best to explain who we are. It’s not easy. Good luck to you.
Love, Hannah
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Profound and thoughtful post and replies.
Despite much progress, I believe that there is still a long way to go before there is more tolerance and understanding of our issues and struggles.
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I am 18 and I came out earlier this year as transgender and my family doesn’t accept it. They all wish I would change my mind. I am one of those who wants to change my body, but I’m not strictly male of female either. My family are hardcore Christians, so it’s harder for them to accept my genderflux self😓. I do have a plethora of friends who support me, though 😁.
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I’m sorry to hear that your family isn’t supportive, but I am glad you have friends.
Love, Hannah
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