Impossible When Beautiful

The world isn’t EVER going to give you permission to wear panties, or paint your nails, or strut in stilettos.  The world isn’t ever going to give you permission to do a goddamn thing.

If you want to do something, you just need to do it and the world will have to (eventually) accept it (or the world won’t).

That’s how progress is made.  

Women didn’t wait for the world to give them permission to wear pants.  They just freaking did it and although it wasn’t easy eventually women were “allowed” to wear pants.  Women fought for the right to vote, to own property.  Gays and lesbians fought for the right to marry whoever they wanted to.  

When I schedule a makeover and wander around town I’m doing it without the permission of ANYONE.  I just do it and to hell with people who wish I wasn’t alive.

The only person who “lets” you be who you are, the only person who “lets” you wear lingerie or makeup is your damn self.

Kind of.

Many of us are married, or have significant others.  Many of us were married.  We all know that crossdressing, being bi-gender, identifying as transgender doesn’t make life any easier.  Relationships aren’t easy either, but when you bring this side into one, well, it creates a whole new series of unique, difficult, and confusing conversations.  I fully believe in being honest with your significant other, although I do understand that it’s not easy, and it’s not always possible.  I know I am oversimplifying and speaking in very broad terms here.   If coming out will 100000% end your relationship, then coming out isn’t that simple.  For some of us we have to make a decision between Who We Are and Staying Married. 

And that’s… well, it’s heartbreaking.  We fall in love and commit to someone because we love them, we want to spend our lives with them.  AND we know how important it is to be true to ourselves.  When these two worlds collide it creates a lot of questions, tension, and stress.  We don’t want to cause our significant others stress in any way, regardless if it has to do with crossdressing or financial issues or anything else.

It’s not easy to come out to someone primarily because we don’t know how they will react.  Once you come out to ANYONE your relationship will change.  Even if you never speak of it again, you’ll always have THIS lingering out there.  They know this about you, you know that they know this about you and you both are always thinking about it.  It’s not uncommon for us to think of the worst-case scenario and that the relationship will end.  Or perhaps it won’t but maybe this revelation will make things so unpleasant between the two of you that you wish the relationship was over.  No one is a crossdresser because they think it will simplify their lives.  

If this revelation doesn’t end a relationship, our partners will process this in different ways.  Of course, we all hope and pray that our spouse, the person we love more than anyone else in existence, will love us anyway.  In our wildest dreams perhaps they will help us shop, show us how to contour our faces, maybe even hit the town as girlfriends.  I have a fulfilling, healthy, and happy relationship with my wife.  Although the first few years of us adapting to this side of myself weren’t always easy, we got through it.  I wasn’t always easy to live with, to understand.  In the early days it seemed like EVERYTHING was about Hannah, about clothes, about makeup, about being beautiful.  Every conversation was about Hannah and it got overwhelming for my wife, and for myself.  The pink fog hit me hard and I was impossible to live with.

But we got through it.  I settled into who I am, and found a balance between my gender identities.  I stopped drinking and became more considerate and aware of how my wife felt.  

Divorce and 100000% acceptance and participation are both extreme responses to coming out.  I think most of our relationships fall somewhere between these two.  Some of us have a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ agreement, some of us have relationships with “rules”, such as not leaving the house en femme or posting pictures online.  Regardless of how our significant others react and adapt to this side of us, it’s not easy on them, especially emotionally.  This side of us brings up a myriad of emotions and thoughts in our own heads and hearts, and it does the same thing with our significant others.  As much as we thrill to see ourselves in a dress, it can break our wives’ hearts to see their husbands in a skirt.

If coming out to our partners doesn’t end a relationship, then we have someone in our lives who does indeed “let” us be who we are, even if there are limits.  Even if it’s not discussed.  Even if your panties are hidden in a drawer.  The point is that if coming out doesn’t end your relationship, you have someone in your life who “lets” you do this.  They may turn the other way, they may not be comfortable in discussing it, they may buy you nightgowns for your birthday.  On some level they understand there is this side of you that is permanent, it’s not going away, and you have to be who you are.  Of course, you may not be able to be completely who you are, such as wanting to get dolled up and go out to dinner, but being allowed to dress at home, or underdress… well, that’s something.  

Marriage and relationships have some give and take, some compromise.  It can be how household chores are divided, how financial matters are resolved, or the limits of how crossdressing is brought into a relationship.  
I know many people who visit this site are girls like me, and I know that the significant others of girls like me visit this site as well.  This little rambling post is, in a way, a thank you to our partners and our spouses and significant others.  I know, WE know that this side of us isn’t easy to live with, to understand, to talk about, to accept.  It’s not easy for us, and we understand the stress and the unlimited emotions that this side of us creates.  Some of us would apologize, even though we love this side of us.  Some of us would lose our voices in thanking you for letting us have this side of us, and letting us have you as well. 

To our significant others, thank you, and we’re sorry.  Not necessarily sorry for who we are, but for the stress, the tension, the heartache, that this side of us can bring.

We love you.  

Love, Hannah

*Please know that this post is not a result of any difficulties in my own marriage.  Everything is lovely.  I was inspired to write this after I ordered some lingerie yesterday and I just reflected on how fortunate I am that I don’t have to hide this side of me.