I am fortunate to have a fulfilling (although stressful and anxiety inducing) career. I am fortunate to have (as far as I know, lol) stability at my job. AND! I am fortunate to work at home (even outside of this global pandemic). Not having to wake up super early to drive in the snow to some miserable little office with coworkers I hate is something I will be forever grateful for. At home I get to wear what I want and most of the time it’s a cozy pair of leggings and a femme cardigan. Every few weeks I do need to go into the office and put on boy clothes but at least I can still underdress.
There’s no secret that I love my dresses and skirts and heels and stockings and lingerie and everything. Love, love, love. I love that I have something for almost any occasion I can think of. Even if I don’t go to the club, I have dresses that would be perfect for clubbing. I have dresses for Sunday brunch or a formal event or spending the day at the mall. My absolute love and adoration of femme clothes (not that clothes are gendered but you know what I mean) is so strong that sometimes I feel I am in a paradox of whether or not I am trans because of the clothes or I wear what I wear because I am trans. Regardless, I don’t fret over it tooooo much.
I am happy with being bi-gender. I am comfortable and content when I present as a boy and I am confident and happy when I am en femme. I don’t want to, nor have I ever felt that transitioning is the right journey for me. I like going back and forth, as it were. I don’t want to choose one gender to present as for the rest of my life.
It’s fair to say that growing up I felt a LOT of jealousy towards the girls I went to school with as well as towards my sisters. They were allowed to wear dresses to school, they could wear makeup, paint their nails, and countless other little things that I longed to do. As my journey progressed I was able to create a wardrobe that I wanted, that was right for me. If I need a day out en femme, I can take one. I can scratch that itch, if you will. This jealousy has subsided over time, it also diminished as my wardrobe grew and as Hannah spent time out in the real world.
But jealousy still creeps in. It often comes out of nowhere. Well, perhaps not completely out of nowhere. It can often subtly and progressively grow when I hear the click of someone else’s heels.
The other day I was out running errands in boy mode and I heard the unmistakable sound of high heels against the floor. I turned my head and saw a woman wearing a pair of black patent heels, black stockings, paired with a skirt and blouse (God I sound like a creep). She looked like she was on her way home from work. Nothing remarkable, just someone running a quick errand at the end of the day. The contrast I felt was significant. I was in jeans, a big bulky winter coat, and hadn’t shaved my face in a few days. Basically I was VERY MALE, and felt even more so compared to her. It didn’t take long for jealousy to set in. We all have to run errands, but if I have things to do I would much rather do them en femme. I wondered how much fun it would be to be able to go to work en femme.
I know I can work from home wearing whatever I want, but like running errands, if I had to spend the day in an office answering silly emails and attending meetings, I would much rather them do it in a cute pencil skirt. Besides, I can’t go COMPLETELY en femme at work thanks to my team’s penchant for spontaneous Zoom meetings.
And yes, on some levels this is a fantasy. I’m sure wearing heels and dressing up EVERYDAY isn’t as much fun as I think it might be. But goodness, just once. Just one time.
I have done more en femme than I ever could have imagined. I am blessed beyond my imagination. There will always be more things I can do (such as flying pretty) but there will also be things that won’t happen, such as going into the office en femme. And that’s okay. I can live without it. However, jealousy will always be a part of this part of me, and often that envy is just a few high heel clicks away.
(And yes, I know this is all pretty shallow but there you have it.)