Ask Hannah!

Met with another dresser at a restaurant and enjoyed the conversation En drab. Both of us are closeted dressers in a DADT relationships with our wives. Received a invitation to stop by for a tea at others home while his SO is working a 12-hour shift. Opportunity to dress in a relaxed manner presents itself, and wondered what your thoughts were on breaking new ground dressing with another?

I thought about this question for a few days and initially I didn’t have any thoughts beyond this really sounds lovely.  My thoughts haven’t changed THAT since that initial reaction but I do want to expand just a bit.

Friendship between t-girls/crossdressers are crucial, especially if one is still primarily in the closet.  Only someone like us understands (and can relate) to someone like us.  We don’t need to explain who we are or the nuances or the complexities or the joy that this side of us can bring.  So, yay!  I’m happy you have found a friend.

Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell arrangements (for lack of a better word) are usually just that.  It’s an acknowledgment from our partners that this is an important side of us and it’s not going away, but it’s not a part of our lives that they want any involvement or knowledge about.  DADT agreements are not ideal but let’s be honest, they are more than what most girls like us have.  Does going over to your friend’s home fall within the DADT they have established with their spouse?  Well, yes, I suppose it does.  But this MIGHT be crossing a line.  Although some DADT situations usually are accompanied by an understanding of never wanting to discuss THIS again after the DADT has been established, it MIGHT be a different scenario with inviting someone into a shared home that the other person doesn’t know, and doesn’t know is happening.  Although DADT can be the be all and end all when it comes to discussing how non-cis gender identity and a relationship coexist with each other, it should probably still come with a conversation about boundaries.  A spouse might not want to hear about their partner’s day en femme or what they are wearing under their boy clothes, but they may not want their partner posting photos online or visiting certain parts of their community lest they see someone they know.  

Personally, if the stiletto was on the other foot and I was married to someone where we had a DADT arrangement, I don’t think I would want someone that I didn’t know in my home when I wasn’t there, especially if I didn’t know it was happening.   I don’t think you are doing anything wrong with accepting an invitation to visit your friend, but your friend MIGHT want to revisit the DADT conversation with their spouse when it comes to this.  

Relationships and crossdressing is not easy to navigate.  These situations often come with not being forthright with details, it can come with some lying, and deception.  And I totally get it.  I’ve been in relationships where the last thing I wanted was for them to discover who I was and what I wore when no one was around.  This side of us puts our partners through A LOT.  Adding in the possibility of going behind our partner’s backs BECAUSE of our crossdressing just makes things worse.  Try to think of it from our partner’s perspective.  On one hand they are in a relationship with someone who likes to wear lingerie and has a femme name which can trigger a LOT of anxiety and tension and stress and questions and fear… and on the other hand their partner is lying, or at least, not being completely upfront about this side of them.

Again, on a literal level and from a certain perspective, anything related to this side of us COULD very well fall under DADT, but out of courtesy and respect for one’s spouse, your friend MAY want to have a conversation with their wife about boundaries.  It’s commonly said it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission but that doesn’t necessarily apply to girls like us.

Love, Hannah

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