Ask Hannah!

Recently you have identified yourself as bi-gender or trans. If you wouldn’t mind sharing, I would like to know how your wife identifies herself. I have always identified myself as straight until my husband, now wife, came out as trans. Now I am not sure what identifier I should use.

Thanks for your assistance, and that of your wife.

I would never speak for my wife, but I think it’s safe to say that she identifies as straight. As long as we’re chatting about my wife, she did a little question and answer article that touches on this topic, among other things.

She accepts me, both of me. But she is not sexually attracted to Hannah. This doesn’t mean she is… disgusted by Hannah or sees Hannah as her “husband in a dress.” No, she more or less thinks of Hannah and of her husband as two different people. Which is absolutely fair and accurate. On many levels I think of myself and of Hannah as two different people as well.

I would also never presume to tell you how you should identify when it comes to sexual orientation, but please know, I get asked this question often. You are not alone in this.

Believe me.

But since you asked…

I think sexual identity is tied to who you are sexually attracted to. If you are sexually attracted to your wife, then perhaps your sexuality is a little more… flexible than you had previously thought.

Feelings of love and affection are not the same thing as feelings of sexual and physical attraction. You can have sex without love, and you can be deeply in love with someone that you are not sexually active with.

Some love transcends physical, sexual intimacy.

This uncertainty is something that many women experience when their partner has changed their gender identity. Someone’s evolving gender identity can impact everyone around them, most of all their significant other.

I do think that gender and sexuality is more fluid than we realize. I don’t like restricting myself to a lot of identifiers, whether it is a political affiliation or my sexual identity. This is not to say I am not straight. I’ve never put that much energy into thinking about my personal sexual identity, I was too busy consumed by my evolving gender identity.

Marriage, gender, sexuality… all of these things can be complicated, nuanced, and personal. You don’t have to put a label on yourself or your relationship or on yourself.

Additionally, we all need support. I am sure this has all been an emotional experience for you. I would encourage you to look into PFLAG for support groups near you. PFLAG offers resources for not only those in the LGBTQIA+ community but also for friends and family as well.

Love, Hannah

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