How happy do we need to be? How much soul-crushing are we expected to tolerate?
That’s been on my mind lately.
And I know that we are not going to be deliriously giddy 24/7 and that life will thrown unpleasant things at us and there will always be aspects in our lives that frustrate (putting it mildly) us.
If I compartmentalize my life, I have my relationships, my career, interests, and of course, Hannah.
Sometimes things in one category (if you will) will be amazing and other times, well, not so much.
But usually things even out or the good in one part makes up for the less good in another part. Balance is wonderful. When several categories at once become challenging then I feel I have nothing to turn to, if you will. Sometimes one aspect can become a refuge. If I am having a horrible week at work I know the weekend Hannah as plans and being able to look forward to that can ease the sting of my job.
My wife is my baseline. She anchors me to reality and helps keeps me tethered to what is important and helps keeps things in perspective. As long as I have her, I think I can get through anything.
If something is a constant or a recurring cause of stress, then perhaps a change is needed. Obviously this is about my job.
I like my job but my boss is completely unreliable and unpredictable. It’s like walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set him off. It’s frustrating on a few levels and I know people shouldn’t treat others like this… especially when you are supposed to be their leader. I expect more from him.
Most people don’t think they… deserve to be treated poorly. And I identify with that. I’m skilled and dependable at my job and I know I could earn more if I changed jobs. My self-esteem and bank account could benefit from that.
But it is a case of the devil you know being better than the devil you don’t.
There are a lot of things I love about my job. I enjoy the field, most of my colleagues, and, if I am being honest, working from home. No commute, I can wear leggings at work, and the other day I spent an hour brushing out my wig while I was on a conference call. I couldn’t do that if I was in a cubicle in an office.
This bring me back to wondering how happy I should expect to be. Again, not everything in my job is going to be flowers and rainbows. I get that. Sometimes the good things in life have a price. Yes, the stilettos look amazing and we look amazing in them and we might pay the price when our feet start hurting in an hour. Usually it’s worth it.
Changing jobs could change working from home. Working from home lets me brush my wig, lace up thigh-high boots, and try on the new dress that was just delivered in the middle of the day.
Of course, I do work, too, lol.
Is putting up with a rageaholic boss the price I pay for an otherwise perfect employment situation?
Honestly? Yes. Probably.
I know I shouldn’t put up with the abuse but when I have pushed back, when I have stood up for myself… things got worse. He’s a vindictive and incredibly smart person. If he wanted to fire me for what he would see as retaliation, he’d find a bullet-proof reason for terminating me.
Accepting that yes, it’s worth it, means I have to learn how to deal with him. Therapy helps. I need to be better in absorbing his attacks. And again, I know I shouldn’t have to. But that’s how it is. The price I pay.
I need to take more comfort and joy and satisfaction for the non-job aspects of my life. Luckily that is pretty easy.
This week was difficult for a number of reasons. It was one of those “burn everything down to the ashes” kind of week. I wanted to quit, I wanted to talk to HIS boss, I wanted to do a lot of things that would have been, in retrospective, self-destructive. Had I caved into my impulses it’s likely I would be working on my resume instead of my website.
As I type this I am listening to Taylor Swift and drinking coffee. The world is quiet and calm. In a few hours Hannah will be strutting out for the day. After Hannah does whatever she does, I’ll come home and my wife and I will order food and eat in our backyard.
Today is resetting my core and my heart and soul. It sounds like heaven.
Working for my boss comes at a price. But it does help provide me with a rewarding, rich life.
Balance.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Hi Hannah,
Interesting article. For me contentment is the goal not happiness. Happiness is just a moment in time. But then I am odd.
I believe ever so often you need to change jobs. In can re-energize you, you learn new things, you gain new skills, learn how to deal with different people and become more marketable. Again I am odd, I get bored easily so starting something new is exciting and challenging to me.
Good luck.
Jodi
LikeLike
Oh, I get bored easily too, but I am wondering about the trade-offs. Would I rather have a boring job that allows me to work from home or a new job with new things to learn? Working from home gives me more time to focus on the more fulfilling parts of my life, instead of being stuck in traffic.
Love, Hannah
LikeLike
Tough decisions. I always tended to bury myself into work. It helped me forget about this part of my life. So again I may not have the best opinions.
Why do you assume your next job won’t allow you to work from home? Right now the unemployment rate is so low in the Twin Cities that many companies are making that concession. My daughter just found a job working from home in which her company is located else where in the US. And she got a huge raise. We are a company that doesn’t like our staff to work from home but had to bend in order to find professionals. We couldn’t find anyone otherwise.
I get it. Recently a job opened up for a non-profit that I believe I would have been perfect from both sides and I could have worked as Jodi or even switched back and forth but I just couldn’t have taken a 50% pay cut.
Decisions suck.
LikeLike
this may be cynical: my cousin at age 60 inherited a monster of a boss. I told her she was lucky to have no hassle until 60 My advise to her was that the majority of bosses are jerks and if you accept this as not being about you but the status quo it makes life a lot easier. But I also told her to keep a detailed journal re: all of the boss’ crap for possible use,defense in the future
LikeLike
I once had a boss who was an alcoholic and quite moody – I always felt like it was not rightthat I should be influenced by his personality – if he was happy, I should be happy, and vice versa! No way this should be! All we could do was to grin and bear it, unfortunately. He did eventually die and the other workers and I were singing, “Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead!”
LikeLike
This particular devil may not be someone you want to associate with for the rest of your working life. I totally understand the inertia of staying in job that seems otherwise perfect. Apprehensions about losing what you have play a part in that. But working for an abusive, difficult person has its own dangers. One can never know when this situation could go badly.
Given that possibility, I would suggest just looking. You may find a better option, one that meets or exceeds the positives of your current situation and frees you from the negatives.
If you find a better option, go for it. And in the mean time, exploring other alternatives will give you the satisfaction of knowing you are acting in your own interests.
LikeLike
Hannah, Just read your article and I understand the whole thing. I have been there. I work as Mechanical Engineer and have had my share of crap supervisors. The one thing I can offer is you never know until you look to see if there is something else out there. Put together your resume, look for jobs online to see what is out there in your field. Do not live the coulda, woulda, shoulda things. Take a chance and see what is out there. You might just be surprised.
LikeLike
I have 25 years of providing counselling and advice on workplace bullying. If your boss is as you describe – mercurial, ragey and unpredictable – and it affects your life so much that you have to talk about it on a blog about being transgender rather than a blog dedicated to work matters and you have to have therapy to cope and you worry about his retaliation and vindictiveness …. then you must act against the situation. No job, however much you like the job itself, is worth workplace abuse because the cumulative effect of the abuse on you over the years will be to give you PTSD that you may never recover from.
So (1) keep a record of every circumstance that made you feel uncomfortable. If you have any written evidence to back you up, keep it, or if you have eyewitnesses to rages or poor behaviour or incompetence, note them.
(2) The money you are spending on a therapist to help you cope would be better spent on a lawyer who deals in workplace harassment.
(3) Your workplace presumably has human resources and a complaints procedure. Employers are keen to avoid lawsuits and so approaching his boss or human resources or a union representative, ideally with some clear evidence of the problem or support from a colleague should start to make life better. Note, though, that this will ratchet up the boss’s vindictiveness at first and you must be prepared for that and ramp up the evidence gathering. However, once trapped, most bad bosses tend to fall apart.
(4) The devil you know is not better, especially if you say that you could earn more elsewhere. One day, if unchecked, your boss will sack you or make you ill and then you’ll find it harder to get a new job. So start looking anyway – you may not need to move but at least you’ll be prepared for new work if you do.
(5) It’s not true that bosses tend to be overbearing. I have had some outstanding bosses who achieved best results by being mature and humane in themselves and by treating their staff as responsible adults not naughty children or slaves. Some of my bosses have become lifelong friends. The number of asshole bosses is not so big but the problem ones need to be tackled. Why should you tackle it and not skulk away? Because, to adapt a famous line from a classic movie, you are there and nobody else. Although you will, I hope, have support from HR, colleagues and the law.
I wish you luck and strength, but you cannot and must not sit back and hope it’ll all work out because a boss like the one you have described will eventually destroy you, even if your work and behaviour and attendance are perfect. It’s what these parasites and bullies do. It’s all they do.
I wish I had a more positive and easier answer but this comes of a lot of experience.
Much love. Sue x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you.
Love, Hannah
LikeLike