Worlds Colliding

Hi!

I am excited to be at the Pride festival tomorrow.

Pride events are just… amazing. It’s one of the few places where I have zero apprehension of being clocked or read. No chance of harassment. It’s one of the few places where I can blend in. There are countless others like myself.

I do keep an eye out, though. Being who I am usually doesn’t allow me to put my guard completely down. I am used to scanning a store or wherever I am for any potential threat, for example. What I mean is that if I walk into a store and someone keeps staring at me, or nudging the person next to them, then it’s possible that they may harass me (or worse).

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention I also look for people that HE might know that don’t know HER, if you follow.

Pride is a celebration of the LGBTQ+ community and it’s a way for allies to show their support. When someone attends a Pride event it could be for a myriad of reasons. They may be an ally and supporting someone they love, they themselves might be queer or figuring things out, or simply enjoying the day with our fabulous community.

Essentially if someone is at Pride, it’s because they are either in the community or supportive of it.

I see a lot of people at Pride that I know, but there’s also people that HE knows, that don’t know about HER. So far I’ve avoided any contact with people who don’t know about my duality. This is intentional.

I am not hesitant to out myself to someone at Pride because I am unsure of how they will react. I mean, they’re at Pride, for goodness’ sake. I very much doubt that my gender identity would matter how they would feel about me. True, their perception and perspective of me would change, but likely not for the worse.

It’s just that Pride isn’t a place where I want to come out to someone. I feel that my gender identity is very nuanced. But I suppose many of us feel that way. A person someone knows or loves who identifies as transgender is overwhelming enough as it is, but I feel that most cis gender people think that a trans person is someone who is/will/has transitioned. And that’s fair.

But identifying as trans doesn’t necessarily mean that. It doesn’t mean that for me.

I am forever split between wanting to be out to a few people in HIS life and keeping things as they are. It would be lovely to meet up with a few of HIS friends friends for coffee or shopping but then I think about everything that coming out requires… and I start to wonder if it’s worth it.

I think it’s human nature to think that WE have a harder, or more nuanced or complicated situation compared to others. For example, when my brother came out as gay it, well, seemed pretty straight-forward (lol). He said he was gay and everyone knew what that meant.

Of course there were questions, such as at what point in his life did he realize this, but for the most part it was pretty easy to understand.

I have trans friends (in both of my lives) who have announced they are transitioning and that revelation is arguably a lot less simple than one’s sexuality. Most people know a gay person, but I don’t think most people (knowingly) know a trans person. BUT since most people think that identifying as transgender means transitioning, the revelation may be a surprise and may inspire a zillion questions, the assumption that someone who is transgender is indeed transitioning is, well, a correct supposition.

BUT (and I acknowledge that my thinking here is likely tied to feeling that I have a more intricate and complicated gender identity than others) coming out as transgender but not wanting to transition more or less goes against the assumption that most people have when it comes to a trans person.

Coming out to someone not only requires me to, well, come out to them, but then we get into the details of dual gender identity and alllllll of that. Admittingly it’s an unusual life. I mean, it makes sense to me but I’ve lived this life for a while now. But explaining it is a different story.

And! There’s also the whole aspect of HER life that is, well, very different than HIS life. I mean, not only do I have this whole bi-gender identity going on, but there’s also the blogging and modeling and the Help Me Hannah webseries. It’s like, yes, I am transgender and yes, I am sort of a little famous in the T community.

Goodness that sounds arrogant.

It’s kind of like training someone how to do your job. I’ve been in my career for fifteen years now and when someone asks me how to do what I do I rarely know what to say. So much of what I do at work is, in a way, on auto-pilot. Having to slow down and walk someone through my thought process and the hows and whys of what I do every day is a little weird.

I won’t be surprised if I see someone in HIS life tomorrow at Pride. And there will be of course a few seconds where I wonder if I should go say hello (and blow their mind).

Love, Hannah