About twelve years ago I started to become active on different forums and message boards, particularly crossdressers.com. These sites were and are still invaluable when it came to makeup techniques, encouragement, gaining confidence, and sometimes a needed reality check.
I don’t really go to sites like these anymore. I feel they were so important early on in my journey but as my confidence grew and going out en femme became more normal I didn’t really need them as much as I used to.
But that’s just a testament to how important and helpful they were. They accomplished what they set out to do… give a girl assurance and support.
I met my first in real life t-girl friend through crossdressers.com and if it wasn’t for her I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to go out for the first time that fateful night way back when. Thanks Liz. 🙂
One aspect of sites like these that I didn’t like at all was the… hm, competition that some in our community promote. This was represented in two key ways:
- Discussing who among us was more femme
- Discussing how girls like us were more feminine than cisgender girls
HATED this.
None of this is a competition. I know it’s meant to be a compliment but I hate it when guys tell me that I am prettier than “a real girl” or that they never would have suspected I was trans (or that they don’t care that I am).
I also hate when girls in our community discuss who among us “passes”.
I think this is a reflection of how some people look at gender presentation in a binary sense and that there are standards that one must meet to be femme. Like, how tall is too tall to be a girl? What shoe size does one must wear to be considered feminine?
And so on.
But I am going to tell you something.
I am guilty of this.
What I mean is that I never look at a girl (cisgender or transgender) and think whether or not she “looks like a girl”. I never think that a girl is prettier than another girl (unless I’m thinking about my wife 😉 ).
What I am guilty of is that sometimes I meet a t-girl and think to myself that I never would have guessed they were trans.
Last month was Pride and at the festival event thing I met a lot of girls who identified as something other than cisgender. Some of the girls were post-op, pre-op, or, like me, no op. Some disclosed they were on estrogen, some are not, some were still deciding if that was right for them.
I also spoke with a lot of girls who said they were cisgender and were looking for resources for a friend, their kid, their spouse, their sibling.
There was one girl in particular who I chatted with and after a few minutes she started to share details about what her transition was like.
Internally I thought to myself “I never would have thought she was trans”.
She was pretty and kind and friendly but inside I was feeling guilty? ashamed? that I looked at her and assumed she was cisgender. I hated that I made that assumption based on her facial structure, her voice, her mannerisms, her physical appearance, her age, her height…
Part of me wanted to tell her that I never would have thought she was transgender. Not to, well, compliment her, but more because that thought was so loud in my head that I almost blurted it out.
But telling a girl that is, well, the anti-thesis of what I believe about gender: that there are no standards about what a girl must look like.
I am not sure if this is something I need to work on or if this is more normal than I realize. Perhaps it’s more important that I recognized a thought that I had isn’t, well, appropriate to share.
Someone told me that the first reaction that we have is a result of what we were conditioned to think. The second reaction is what we really feel.
I hope this is the case. In this situation my first reaction was “she is cisgender” but perhaps that is the result of being taught for decades what a girl is “supposed” to look like. My second reaction/thought of “there are no standards to femininity and I shouldn’t say anything” is what I really feel.
This has been on my mind for a few days. It’s unsettling when something happens and it forces us to consider whether or not we are a hypocrite. Part of me feels I was/am a hypocrite. My core belief is that there are no standards on what one must meet to be femme, but here I am completely misgendering someone in our community and making an assumption because of how they looked.
What do you think?
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Hannah – it was nice to run into you at Pride. I’ve been out 2+ years. I don’t disagree with what you said – although I have another thought. Before I offer it – let me first say that my expertise regarding those in transition is limited to me. So – here goes. for me, I consider it a great compliment to ‘pass,’ and/or for anyone to tell me so. If this violates some code – so be it. I am a woman – and fitting into our societal norms of what a woman is supposed to look like – is a goal of mine. I don’t want to stick out – I want to be a woman, and be regarded as one. If that’s wrong – then that’s on me, but I know I’ve had these types of conversations with people on other social media platforms (Insta, for example), and there are many out there who feel similarly. For me, it’s not about vanity (although I will take all the compliments I can get), it’s about me feeling validated. I certainly understand that others have very different perspectives – but there are those, like me, who find comments about ‘passing’ to be positive, not judgmental. Anyway – thanks for the forum; just one girl’s opinion.
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Hi Hannah,
We are all Human. We all have initial impressions, it is how we respond to them that matters.
I remember one time I was interviewing a person after a couple minutes I wrote “NO!!!” on my note pad. But I was ready to hire her on the spot by the end of the interview. She was one of the best team members I ever had.
Don’t be so hard on yourself or over think it.
Take care,
Jodi
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I do my best to not look at one and think oh they must be trans
I tend to just look at one and see them as a person first then my secondary thought is I wonder if based on certain tells as we all know there are.
Me personally am to the point I’m not concerned about if they know because well I’m pretty sure they do, I stand out being tall and broad shoulder and all and I’m quite comfortable being who I am when out in public
Diversity in our society is a beautiful thing and we should never be ashamed of who we are
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Good food for thought. Early in life the need to compete with others takes hold and for women “whose the fairest of them all” begins at a fairly young age. Transgenders enter the fray and soon join the competition. To rise above the battle is a worthy goal, and is good to be reminded of. Thanks for your insightful message…
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I agree with Jodi. Don’t over think it. And I agree with Michele that it passing can be a great compliment. I go out expecting to be read, but have been pleasantly surprised to learn that I passed on a number of occasions,
Not everyone can be pretty, slim, witty, etc. And while no one should be deprived (or deprive themselves) of dignity, self worth and opportunity because of how they look. But neither should any of us have to feel guilty because we notice a pretty girl, whatever her backstory may be.
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Hannah, Cut yourself some slack! If you were surprised someone is trans, they are among the lucky ones — maybe she was young enough to get hormone intervention early, maybe genetics played in her favor, maybe she had the $$ to get facial feminization surgery. Who knows. Some of us feel feminine, but will never look like or sound like a woman. Let’s celebrate those that do, and encourage and support those that don’t. Nancy
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