Two Struts Forward, One Step Back

I’ve heard it say that the world is uncaring, but people are not.

Things have never been easy for a girl like us. We are misunderstood but that’s not something that bothers me toooo much. I don’t NEED to be understood.

At the same time, I don’t need to understand anyone else. I just know there are others who have different interests and hobbies and identities that I can’t relate to but their choices don’t impact me at all. Let people live their lives.

Understanding someone can often be two very different extremes. If I meet someone who I feel is different from myself, I can look at them in two ways:

1. That’s who they are and it doesn’t affect me at all
2. I need to understand every single facet of their life and try to understand exactly who they are and why they who they are

The key to this is knowing which perspective to have. I think it comes down to the relationship you have with them.

For example!

Do I need to understand why my neighbor likes to cut his grass every Saturday at 6am?

No. It’s annoying and noisy but I don’t need to understand that.

Do I need to understand why my work colleague is obsessed with hockey?

No. It would be nice to have a conversation with him that doesn’t involve “the game last night” I don’t need to understand that.

Do I need to understand why a relative has based his entire personality on golf?

No. It would be nice to not be asked every single Friday if I want to hit the links with him but I don’t need to understand that.

Do I need to understand why the person driving in front of me needs to have the loudest motorcycle in the universe?

No. I think you get it by now.

On the flip side, do I need to understand my wife? Absolutely. Do I understand everything about her? No. I don’t understand why true crime podcasts are part of a relaxing evening but I don’t need to understand why that is. I just need to know what she enjoys and that’s enough. Do I need to understand what she is feeling when she is overwhelmed at work while taking care of her aging parents at the same time? Yes.

I need to understand the important things when it comes to the important people in my life. This is what I dedicate my emotional and mental bandwidth to. It leave no room for trying to understand the choices and lifestyles of people that I don’t know.

(and now I scroll back up to the beginning of this post to remind myself where I was going with all this)

Oh, right.

I don’t expect to be understood. I don’t understand the whys and hows of who I am. I do know that there are a large number of people who don’t understand the gender nonconforming community. If you are among that group, let me tell you something: you don’t need to understand us.

Why not? For two reasons:

1. Even if you do understand ONE person who is GNC, you understand exactly ONE person who is GNC.
2. I am not striving to be understood. Hell, I am not even expecting to be accepted. You just need to, well, come to terms that there are eight billion people on the planet and we are all different. I look, dress, feel, and think differently than you. If you need to understand ME, all you need to do is remember that every person on the planet is a person and with allllll the aspects that make up a person, it’s a given that everyone is different from each other. Whether it’s a taste of music or religion or political affiliation or gender identity, no one is exactly the same. Roll with it.

When I am out en femme I encounter hundreds of people. It might be someone I walk by in a parking lot or share an elevator with or order a coffee from or another person in line waiting to check out. We are in each other’s lives for just a few moments. We will likely never see each other again. We will have no impact on each other. You don’t need to understand me. I am a stranger. I always will be.

You don’t need to understand the t-girl you saw. Just remember that I am a person and we need to be kind to one another (or at least not be cruel to one another). I promise I am not trying to understand you, either. Yes, I see that you spent hundreds of dollars on a pair of sneakers but I don’t need to understand WHY. It doesn’t affect me. At all. Why bother psychoanalyzing you? On the flip side you see me in a bodycon dress and four inch stilettos. You don’t need to understand why I am dressed the way I am.

As I said earlier, life isn’t easy for a girl like us. Even without considering the rest of the world, we put enough stress on ourselves. We wrestle with our feelings, our identity, our presentation. We worry about the real world and what people will think. We fight countless battles emotionally and internally before we even get dressed.

With all of the debates and laws that are being discussed it’s logical to think that our already hostile world is becoming even more so.

But I don’t think the political environment is necessary reflective of the people.

I have friends and colleagues all over the country, including cities in some of the most conservative states that are passing and proposing the majority of anti-trans laws. By and large, my friends tell me that the city they live in is a lot more progressive and accepting than it would appear. But the problem is that wrong people are in charge and the laws are passed are not necessarily supported by the community.

Pro-choice rights are a good example of this. The majority of people support at least some degree to abortion access, even in states that have passed very strict bans.

I suppose my point to all of this is that we live in a world with a lot of anti-trans laws but when I am out in the real world, I am not seeing a shift that aligns with this legislation. I am more fearful that ever that given the recent rise of proposed and passed laws that I will be harassed or worse when I am out.

But it hasn’t happened. Not in my experience. And I hope you haven’t had an increase of harassment either.

Sometimes I am either naively optimistic or unfairly pessimistic. But I think with the current environment I am both. I think people are more comfortable and kind to transpeople than ever and at the same the political situation will just get worse.

The potential is there, I believe the support is there, we just need the right people making laws. Voting will get us there. I am proud to live in Minnesota with having recent laws banning conversion therapy and protecting gender affirming care.

Someone commented on a post recently who stated that it’s never been a better time to be LGBTQ+ and I have to agree. Despite all the legislation and the flurry of hatemongering, this is very much a two steps forward, one step back time.

Love, Hannah