Ask Hannah!

Helloo! I’m so glad i found your website.

I stumbled across something on our computer the other day and think my husband wants to crossdress. He has ordered a dress and a bra and inserts. Now I know and I’ve tried subtly approaching the conversation, but he isn’t been open and honest with me. I know it must be so difficult for him, but I thought he would know that I want him to be himself, whoever or whatever that looks like doesn’t bother me. But I worry about the lying around it, how can I facilitate a conversation that will allow him to be open.

I would leave this for him to do but I have one pressing concern as we are currently trying to conceive and as far as he has vocalized this is very much something we both want and so I am concerned that if he doesn’t tuck correctly when wearing Gender Affirming Underwear that he may create problems with testicular distortion or cause and ED problem.

Do you have any advice on this please? I love my husband and I want to go about this in the right way. I don’t want him to not explore this if its something he wants to do, and I worry if I handle it badly that this is what will happen. I have read one of your very super long articles but if you can point me in the direction of more or have any words of advice. This would be greatly appreciated! Thankyou xx

I know a lot about tucking but I am afraid I don’t feel I am much of an expert on how tucking (or anything else) could impact someone’s ability to obtain and maintain an erection. Um, for what it’s worth, a decade of tucking hasn’t affected me. I am not… ah, not trying to brag but what I mean is that tucking can be done (at least so far) without causing damage or being painful.

What I can say is that if tucking hurts, then you’re doing it wrong. Try a different garment, try a different technique, untuck and try again.

Could it cause damage to the point where reproduction is difficult? I don’t know. This would be a question for your doctor.

And you can be subtle when you ask them. Ask your doctor if keeping one’s testicles close to their body could cause damage (body heat, for example). You don’t necessarily need to tell your doctor your partner is tucking but you could ask if wearing certain undergarments (whether it is a tucking panty or boxers, etc.) really matter.

But if you don’t mind I’d like to comment a little about the elephant in the room, er, the elephant in your question. In your words, he is lying to you.

When it comes to a relationship and crossdressing, it’s usually not the crossdressing itself that is a problem. It’s typically the things that come WITH crossdressing. Dishonesty, going behind their partner’s back, stepping outside of agreed upon boundaries, spending more money on clothes than they told you, etc.

It doesn’t sound like you are bothered by the idea of him crossdressing and that you are trying to open the conversation with him about this to show your support. I realize that this may be a difficult to thing to be supportive about but I hope you are being honest with yourself as this is a lot to take in.

In most cases, the lying tend to snowball. A little lie now grows into a bigger lie later on.

If you want my advice, here it is:

Be direct, be gentle. Tell him what you just wrote here. “I saw that you ordered a dress and I want you to know I am supportive and I would really talk about this side of you when you’re ready.”

He may resist, he may blow you off, but hopefully he will be open. If not, well, perhaps counseling is the next direction. He may benefit from talking to someone so he can sort out his feelings. He is in the process of discovering himself. Gender identity is an overwhelming thing. I also wouldn’t rule out counseling for you and/or the pair of you, either. Counseling isn’t always beneficial when there is a problem in a relationship, counseling is beneficial when it comes to developing stronger and more honest communication.

Listen.

A committed relationship takes work. You know this. Your partner’s crossdressing is not something that will “go away”. Please don’t count on him coming around and broaching the subject with you if you’ve already opened the door to it. A new baby will forever change your relationship and your life and leaving something major unaddressed (such as one’s dishonesty about their gender identity) will likely cause bigger conversations down the road. A partner’s crossdresser almost always complicates a relationship.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!