We all know what red flags are. Big or small, subtle or obvious, basically a sign that something or someone is a BAD idea.
Green flags, obviously, are the opposite of that.
So, let’s talk about pink flags.
You probably don’t know what a pink flag is because I just made it up.
Based on your comments and emails, I get the impression that most of us here present as male for at least part of their lives. This could be HIM going to work or HIM interacting with certain family members, or like me. Usually male and SHE struts out on a couple Saturdays a month.
I think if you are bi-gendered there’s a chance you keep your gender identities separate or a secret from certain people or elements in your shared life. Essentially, few people in HIS life know about HER life… and the opposite of this is true. I work hard to keep any clues, if you will, hidden.
I try not to reveal any key information about HIM when I am en femme. I keep my job somewhat vague, I give a general idea where I live, things like that.
In male mode I am conscious of my panties peeking out from the top of my jeans. This can be tricky if I am wearing Victoria’s Secret and there is a giant PINK PINK PINK printed on the waistband. I also try to get every fleck of mascara removed when I wash off my makeup.
Ultimately I don’t think most people will notice or care or say anything if they catch a glimpse of pink or mascara. BUT there’s a few people in my life that I absolutely don’t want to be outed to. Some people in my life would make my existence absolute hell. Some people would change how they interact with me and my wife. I am not dragging my wife into negative territory because of my gender identity.
And YES, I could cut these people out of my life. I COULD accept that they are hateful or vindictive people. But the reality is that there a certain people that will ALWAYS be in your life. It’s hard to cut a hateful family member out. If a neighbor saw Hannah drive down my driveway and decided to harass me the only option would be to sell my house and move if I didn’t want to live next to someone like that. If a co-worker decided to “tease” me about my panties (it’s unlikely they would find out but paranoia keeps us safe) but if they did, well, what then? Report them to Human Resources? Doing that would likely expose my crossdressing to even more people.
It sucks living in this overly cautious way, but it is what it is.
Anyway.
I don’t think anyone suspects what my gender identity is. I don’t think anyone suspects that I am a crossdresser/bi-gender/transgender. I mean, if they saw Hannah at the mall and recognized HIM then that’s a different story.
What I mean is that I doubt anyone I work with or related to wonders if I am a crossdresser or not. Again, if they saw a pink waistband THEN they may wonder, but normal interactions likely do not cause another person to speculate.
BUT upon coming out, there MIGHT be things that, in retrospect, make sense.
When I came out to my wife, while we were dating, she told me that she thought there was SOMETHING about me, but wasn’t quite sure. My wardrobe wasn’t on her radar.
When I came to one of my sisters, she said that bumping into me in the women’s department at Target a few years prior made a lot more sense.
Gender identity is not something you typically confront someone about. I don’t think most people are that tone deaf when it comes to something so personal. It’s not something someone asks another unless that person is their significant other or close family member. It’s also not something that is discussed without, ah, evidence, if you will.
Evidence, or lack of a more appropriate word, can be one’s search history or panties carefully and lovingly hidden in a shoebox in the back corner of a closet.
Obviously I am protective of my gender identity and I am cautious of anything that might help someone connect the dots, if you will. I am aware, like I mentioned before, that some things, some clues, might make more sense in retrospect, but one thinking someone else is a crossdresser is usually not something a person thinks.
Perhaps because so many of us don’t fit the stereotype that movies and television shows portray someone like us as. Let’s face it, movies tend to show crossdressers as fetishists. A normal, well-adjusted, masculine presenting, emotionally secure person wearing panties isn’t something we see. Like, ever.
Representation isn’t getting better, but at least television shows aren’t portraying people like us in such a negative, harmful way as they used to. Buuuut the damage is done.
I have my quirks and my anxieties and the whole autism thing but I like to think I am come off, in my male life, as fairly normal. Coming out as a crossdresser would surprise a lot of people, I feel. Again, it’s not something someone else suspects about another, but I don’t think I fit the perception of how movies show someone like you and I.
Although I don’t feel I give off any loud or even subtle signals that I am more than I appear to be when I am in male mode, I am not surprised when someone says that something makes a little more sense in retrospect when I come out to them.
This is what I mean by a pink flag.
In the example of my sister bumping into me in the women’s department, that was a pretty big pink flag. But not every flag is so obvious. Truth be told, it’s sometimes difficult to not say something when that something is a little… well, it falls into the “how did you know that?” category.
What I mean is that if a girl mentions her lipstick keeps fading I have to bit my tongue from suggesting that she use an eyeshadow primer on her lips before applying her lipstick as the primer keeps her lipstick brighter and longer-lasting. Since most people assume I am a cisgender male, this little piece of advice isn’t something most cisgender men probably know.
I also find myself biting my tongue when I see someone wearing a cute dress and I have to restrain myself from asking where they got it.
I am not worried about waving a pink flag in the fear of someone making the assumption that my gender identity is more interesting than it appears. I am also less concerned about someone feeling that a comment I made previously makes more sense in retrospect after I come to them.
I mean, if I am coming out to someone I am making myself as vulnerable as I can. All secrets are out. But I also don’t plan on coming out to anyone else, so there’s that.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
And it is sad that millions of males have to hide their secret lives away from family – friends – and general society. Will we ever live in a rime when we can be open to everyone – without fear of negative judgements ? I have reached a point in my life where I feel no shame in how I wish to dress – and if others have a problem with this – then it is their problem – not mine. Having said this – I understand each person’s situation – and the personal risks involved. This is America – and we all are free to make our own decisions in how we dress and present ourselves to the world. Finally Miss Hannah – YOU do bring the CD reality truthfully to your subscribers – it is what it is – and we make the best of it all.
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Hi Hannah,
Thank you for eye primer on lips tip. I never heard that before.
Jodi
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I guess my “pink flag” is that I keep my arms and legs clean shaven at all times. And my eyebrows thin. No one has ever asked me about it. Even if they did, I would just say I like it that way and leave it at that.
Let them wonder.
-Christina
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Right there with you, Christina, at least on the legs. I had mine lasered years ago, so there’s no turning back.
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Hannah,
I think you are spot on in both of your observations. When someone sees someone shopping in the ladies department they might not spin all the way forward to “probably a CD” and may not think to long and hard about it beyond “that’s odd” but once they know yes all those little cues and clues will suddenly form a picture that they will wonder why the missed.
Also like Jodi, thanks for the lipstick tip.
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Hannah ,
I so agree with this posting. There are a number of friends and mostly family that know about my cross dressing. Some accept it and some do not. In general at 85 years old, I feel very free to do what I like and to go where I want BUT I recognize that I may not always dress as I would like if it is going to make my friend or my family member uncomfortable. So mostly I dress and home and/or go out by myself to shop or to have a meal. Although I have a life membership in the Society for the Second Self, a chapter is not near me so I don’t really have a local support group. I really appreciate the effort you make to write about your experiences over the years and your willingness to help those who are struggling with their feminine identity. Keep up the good work.
Pippin/ Tom
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Thanks for another engaging, interesting and thought provoking post.
A long term necessary resident of the closet, the door not so much locked shut, more nailed shut, I present as male and describe myself as bisexual or at least, bicurious, because that is how I want to be. I am also ever more so very protective of my gender identity which has particularly come to the covert fore over the last few years.
From inside the confines of that closet, I am confronted by and have to ever more firmly bite my tongue over occasional family generated homophobia, derision and cheap jibes towards the LGBTQ community yet they equally lap up certain things on TV without a word.
My crossdressing extends only to lingerie and where opportunity allows, I will underdress – but since the pandemic, this is either when I know I will be home alone for long enough to indulge and safely return to what I call ‘civvies’ or, more regularly, at work, both with a complex set of logistics employed to be able to do so.
My main pink flag is that I am regularly body waxed, shrouded by the fact that I have been historically hirsute but have become less so over the years that I have been going for appointments at least once a month, and the official reason for being waxed is that I (do) get hot and uncomfortable when hairy and am increasingly body conscious in between those appointments as growth pushes back through.
The other pink flag is that I quite naturally effeminate and in no way a man’s man yet these mannerisms are what I am known for heterosexually so remain a veil for what really goes on in the closet.
Those periods of being underdressed in my secreted lingerie are always discreet and well thought out and have been going on, albeit to far lesser extents since the pandemic, for years. The Diversity and Inclusion policies at work are nothing short of admirable and appreciated and I am proud to read the relevant circulars and see the various flags up on walls around the place to reinforce that.
My feeling is that society is far more accepting than it was but progress is slow and there is much to do to get where we need to be societally, but where I am at least, I see signs. I have trans a family member and a trans friend and from behind the closet door, watch out for them, not that they need it.
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Hannah,
This is something that I would guess the vast majority of us deal with unless we have made the decision to transition. There are only four people at this point that know of me as both Ramona and my male self (not counting my therapist). And only my wife has actually seen me as both.
This will continue to be the case until enough of us ARE willing to come out to everyone to change the narrative on what being a bigender crossdresser is all about. We have to “normalize” it for the general population.
I am not suggesting that you do this or even that I should do this. But we all know that should be the goal. When I was a small child in East Texas there was not a restaurant in the south where a person of color could sit down and eat where I was eating. Now we think nothing of that. But it took the sacrifice of brave men and women to change that.
The younger generation seems to be more tolerant of diversity, including gender diversity. So I am hopeful 20-30 years from now it will not cause a divide in friends and family should one be as I am. I probably won’t be alive to reap the benefits of that but hopefully the generations that follow me will.
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Once again you completelty encapsulate my experience. I have had the same issues biting my tongue about where to find some cute heels or gushing about how strong my new type of pantyhose are and how much I love them. It’s very trying sometimes but ive accepted it as its part of the whole deal. I often think some things would be easier if I was more open about it to people in my circle and even have ID’d who might be ok with with but i also recognize coming out about it would cause a whole different set of problems. Its frustrating, why should clothes matter so much to someone else but alas if it doesnt fit into the box of what a normal “cis-gender” man should be it confuses people. So for now Beth stays in the house for the most part. ( Sometimes I do wish there was a secret handshake or something sometimes so we could find others like us easier but thats just silly! ) anyway thanks for another spot on post Hannah. It’s always a peasure to read!
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