The Pointlessness of Sexual Identity

I don’t necessarily agree with the idea of someone’s sexual preference changing, even temporary, when their gender presentation changes.

Some girls tell me that in male mode they are 100000000000% straight but when they are en femme they can’t stop having sex with men.

My thought is that clothes don’t change one’s sexual preference. Many of our significant others are, or were, concerned that we are/were in denial about our sexuality because we wear panties. I think most of us would agree that what is in our closets has no relation to who we want to sleep with.

Yes, I have a lot of dresses and no, it doesn’t mean I want to kiss men.

Again, I don’t think what one wears changes who we want to be intimate (or kinky) with.

My (albeit controversial) opinions are:

1. Some of us like to be sexual with a man when we are en femme because it makes us feel more “like a woman”. As in “a straight man is having sex with ME! Straight men have sex with women, ergo he sees me as a woman.” The sex might have little to do with the actual, physical moment, but possibly much to do with feeling validated in our femme presentation
2. If someone is attracted to men, and/or open to being sexual with a man when they are en femme, they are/were ALWAYS open to being with men, even in male mode. However, when we are en femme, we feel a little more… adventurous, more confident, and less repressed. We can are more open to being honest with ourself and that includes admitting who we are attracted to

Of course, this is my opinion. And I am not here to tell anyone why they do what (or who) they do. If I added a third caveat to the above list, it’s that classifying sexual identity is just really stupid and pointless. If a guy has a couple of beers and fools around with another man, does that mean they are gay? If a guy experimented in college with a dude, does that mean he is bisexual? I mean, maybe? But really, it’s a waste of time wondering about that. If he enjoyed his experience, well, good for him. Maybe once was enough to satisfy his curiosity or maybe he had a moment of clarity and realized that he did indeed like men.

I mean, what are the parameters for sexual identity? Maybe a guy is physically, sexually, and emotionally attracted to women but he just really thinks a penis is sexy. Is he straight with a penis fetish? Is he bisexual even if only likes one part of a body part that is typically associated with men?

You might be thinking OMG HANNAH WHO THE FUCK CARES and that’s exactly my point. Who cares about someone’s sexuality?

Why do we even care about our own?

I have never given much thought to my own sexuality. I have never questioned if I am straight or gay or bi or pan or anything. I am married to a beautiful girl, I have only dated women, and I have only been intimate with women.

My dating history would say I am straight. If I have to check a box on a form, I check the heterosexual box.

But I roll my eyes because WHO CARES.

This is not to say I am not straight. But I have never seen a man and felt attracted to him.

It’s not unlike other life choices or desires we have. Someone asked me the other day if I ever thought about moving to Madrid. And no, I have never ever considered moving to Madrid. Not even more a second. It’s not something that has ever been on my radar. Same with having sex with a man. I never considered it. Never had that inkling, never had the curiosity for Madrid or for men.

I think sexuality and gender are, ultimately fluid and impossible to classify. Oh, and pointless. I don’t think there are many things that most people 10000000% identify or agree with.

For example!

I know people who are registered die-hard Republicans or Democrats but don’t agree with every single one of the laws their party passes.

I know people who are vegan but admit to sneaking a piece of bacon every once in a while.

I know people who consider themselves Christians but don’t do many of the things that Jesus did, such as caring for the poor. And what I mean is that sure, everyone cares for the poor, but my perspective is that if you follow the teachings of Christ, then MAYBE you should volunteer at a shelter and, like Christ, take care of them.

Speaking for myself, I am liberal when I vote but I don’t think legalizing recreational marijuana is the right decision but this is very popular among many other liberal-leaning people.

This is not a post to call anyone out or accuse anyone of being a hypocrite. My point is that almost any label can come with an exception or something that contradicts the core beliefs and values of an affiliation.

So, back to sex.

I believe that acknowledging your own gender identity can open up your perspective to a lot of other things.

When I was young, I was taught gender was binary. Boy or girl, pink or blue, and that was that. Over time these lines became blurred and I realized that gender was more than what I was told. I embraced my bi-genderness. I present as a boy or as a girl or, outside of the binary. As I type this I am sitting on my couch drinking coffee wearing a nightgown. My unshaven face says MAN but my pink nightie and shaven legs says GIRL.

The line, if there ever was one, is blurred.

As we accept and acknowledge our gender identity/identities we might come to terms that gender is impossible and pointless to put into a box.

…and then we might start wondering what ELSE is impossible and pointless to put into a box.

MAYBE sexuality. Maybe it’s not important to wonder what one’s sexuality is, regardless of one’s gender presentation.

If someone who identifies as male as sex with someone who identities as a woman, is it heterosexual sex?

What if the woman has a penis?

What about a wife who has sex with her husband when they are dressed en femme? Is this considered lesbian sex?

What determines whether or not the physical act of sex is or is not heterosexual? Is it the genitalia or is it the gender identities of those involved?

Does it matter? (No.)

I don’t think they are any answers that can be universally agreed upon in a lot of these types of questions. It’s likely there aren’t any answers which proves that sexual identity is pointless and trivial.

Listen.

I am not here to tell you what box, so to speak, you should check on a form or to put yourself in. I am not even here to tell you to NOT label yourself. Many of us wonder if we are a crossdresser or transgender or gender nonconforming or one of the many other options that are out there. I think we do this as a way to understand ourselves and find others like ourselves.

We seek out others that identify as we do because we hope that maybe they can explain who THEY themselves are which can help us understand who WE are… and why we are who are. The perspective of others can shape our own perspectives of ourselves.

It’s also comforting to know that there are indeed others like ourselves. Having a community is reassuring and, well, it validates who we are. What I mean is that I used to think I was the only boy in the world that wanted to wear a dress, but when I learned of the word ‘crossdresser’ I realized that not only were there others like myself, there were so many like me that there needed to be a word for us.

Some of us can’t be bothered by a label and are likely rolling their eyes at every word in this post. And I don’t disagree with them. In fact, that is the point in all this. I am often paralyzed by both sides of the importance of label discussion. Do I think they are important? Yes. But more specifically I understand WHY they are important to some of us. Do I think one HAS to have a label? No.

Very few affiliations one can have impact someone else, whether it is how you identify as a gender or what sports team you are loyal to or the political party you belong to. It’s the actions themselves that count. In fact, having an affiliation can often by limiting. You might be a registered Republican or Democrat, but perhaps you feel your party’s candidate isn’t the best choice for you. You might feel obligated to vote for the party’s nomination but it might contradict your beliefs.

I suppose as long as what you do does no harm, you should be unapologetically yourself.

Love, Hannah