Let’s Hear it for the Boy

Oh hi!

I think most of us can relate to having a dual life. I know I have one. It makes me sound like a secret agent or a vigilante, doesn’t it?

I have HIS life, and Hannah has her life. Different wardrobes, different friends, different email addresses, different experiences, all that.

You might relate to this. If you have transitioned, you might mark your life into two different time periods: before and after.

Regardless of your journey, we call an easily compartmentalize our lives. His life, and her life.

In addition to the separate wardrobes and the like, Hannah and the boy also have different goals and different accomplishments.

Sometimes I think about all the things that Hannah has done. I try not to get too high on myself and thankfully a mirror can quickly humble me but I’m quite proud of her.

Regardless of which “me” did it, starting and running the MN T-Girls for almost ten years is one of the most important things I/we have ever done. Hearing from other t-girls what the group means to them and the confidence and friends its given them makes me so happy I could burst.

I’m proud of the little steps I took all those years ago when I first baby stepped (in stilettos, naturally) into social media and created a profile on crossdressers.com and eventually my own website. I’m glad I’ve kept at this for so many years.

Going back even further, I think about coming out to my wife while we were dating, buying my first pair of panties, trying on high heels in a store, learning how to hook a bra, scheduling my first makeover, going out en femme for the first time…

So many firsts. SO many victories.

So many things we’ve all done and so many experiences that we should be proud of.

Although I have not and will not transition, there is a point in my life when Hannan began to emerge as her own person, if you will. I can’t quite pinpoint it but there was a turning point when I went from HIM wearing a dress to, well, Hannah feeling like her own person… even if it’s just for a few days a month.

Of course, Hannah’s life doesn’t stop when she washes off her makeup. She still has emails that need to be responded to and appointments to book and all that. Sometimes I think The Boy is her manager.

I tend to get caught up in momentum and focus on where things are heading in life. I suppose it’s easy to do. I don’t reflect on the past very much (which is good) but I think I should sometimes.

What I mean is that no one arrived at any point in their lives alone.

When I think about The Boy’s life and how he arrived to where he is now, I think about my marriage and my job. How did I meet my wife? How did I get my current job? I can think back and recall the people and experiences, sometimes through chance, that led me to where I am today.

I think of the Talking Heads song:

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?”

It’s at these moments when I feel a rush of gratitude.

Continuing the classic rock theme, I think of the lyric by Elton John often in those moments. I thank the Lord for the people I have found.

I can do this for Hannah’s life, too.

I think of all the makeup tips I learned from other t-girls. I think of all the websites that were recommended to me that sell size 12 stilettos. I think of all the other t-girl bloggers who inspired me. I think of all the readers who comment and encourage and challenge me on my website. Readership grew, my confidence grew, and my perspective on all of this evolved.

I think of all other t-girls out there who taught me that passing is arbitrary and shouldn’t be the goal. It just holds us back from going out. Once this sank in, once this clicked, I walked out of my front door and never looked back.

Although I tend to think about what’s next, I do look back sometimes. I reflect on how she got to where she is.

The further back I look, the more I am reminded of one more person that doesn’t get the credit they deserve.

The Boy.

It was HIM that bought panties. It was him that slipped on high heels at Famous Footwear when no one was looking. It was him that first tried on a bra. It was him that came out to my wife.

He stumbled, he crawled, his legs shook with every single baby step… so Hannah could strut.

He got out of his comfort zone when he bought a dress. He got out of his comfort zone when he asked the beauty consultant at Ulta for foundation recommendations.

Like every single person in the universe, we are who we are as a result of others shaping and influencing our lives. Our femme selves are no different. Hannah is who she is because of my wife, my photographer, my makeup artist, and countless other t-girls who inspired her. But HE helped her too.

Listen.

I know a lot of us like to leave our boy life behind either after transition or even while we spend the day en femme. Our male lives can represent a part of us, a part of our lives when we suppressed our gender identity or had to keep her a secret. I get that, I promise I do. But HE opened the door to who you are. Who you’ve always been.

Love, Hannah