Beauty and Decay

I think vulnerability is beautiful.

When we let others in our lives see an aspect of ourselves that we normally keep private, we are showing that we trust them with something very sacred.

This can be anything from an emotion to, well, this side of ourselves.

We have taken down our defenses, we are being honest with someone, as well as being honest with ourselves. This vulnerability allows us to feel emotions at a very pure, very raw, very naked level.

We confront truths about ourselves. This is the start of acknowledging something about who we are. Acknowledgement leads to acceptance. I mean, hopefully it does. You MAY know that there is a part of you that likes to wear “girl clothes” but this isn’t the same as accepting that this is a part of you.

And spoiler alert it: it IS a part of you. It’s not going away. It’s not a phase. You’re not outgrowing it.

Vulnerability is uncomfortable. We show a side of ourselves to someone that typically goes against that person’s perception of who we are. We also have no idea how they will react and what the dynamic between the two of you will be like going forward.

Of course, it can and likely will completely alter the relationship. It may lead to a deeper, more intimate, more personal connection. BUT it can also be a turning point in a not so great way.

Speaking from personal experience, I started dating a girl when I was in my early twenties. This wasn’t long after I saw my dad for the last time and shortly after I left an abusive relationship with a girl I was dating.

Both of these people really impacted me in a very dark way. I needed therapy and I wasn’t getting it. I didn’t think there was trauma but spoiler alert: there was a LOT of trauma that I needed to confront.

When I started to date this new girl, I was, in her eyes, a fairly well-adjusted, stable person. As the relationship progressed we started to share more about families and previous romantic partners. After a while I felt safe enough to allow some vulnerability. The walls cracked, but soon shattered as the flood waters poured in. I was a mess. This girl was the first person I spoke with, I mean, REALLY spoke with, about the previous few years.

It was therapeutic yes, but this girl was not my therapist. My mental health was not her responsibility. I should have started therapy as soon as I acknowledged how much I was impacted.

But I didn’t.

It didn’t take long for me to overwhelm this girl with EVERYTHING. And it didn’t take long for her to realize I was just a guy who needed therapy. And she was right. The relationship limped along for much longer than it should have and thankfully she ended it. And I’m glad she did. I didn’t have the strength to and I needed to start working on myself.

Vulnerability when it comes to THIS side of us is freeing. I mean, yes, it will likely lead to us acknowledging our gender identity which can bring it’s own stresses and challenges, but for most of us we’ve kept this secret to ourselves. When we come out to someone we may be talking about something sacred and private and intimate for the first time ever. We have YEARS of feelings and thoughts and emotions and fears and desires that were bottled up just spilling out of us.

This revelation is often overwhelming to the person we come out to… but the degree of overwhelmingness will likely coincide with that person’s relationship to us. Coming out to our spouse after ten years has a different impact compared to coming out to an acquaintance.

But the overwhelming doesn’t end there. Similar to how my trauma overwhelmed my girlfriend at the time, when we are vulnerable to just one person about one thing, it’s not uncommon for us to ONLY talk about that one thing to that person.

All of a sudden every conversation we have with the person we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable with is only about clothes and gender and all the thoughts and fears and desires that can come with this side of us.

Our partners, our friends, our confidents, are not our therapists. If we need to take a deep dive into who we are, then it’s not fair to put that weight onto someone we live. Whether it’s healing from trauma or coming to terms with our gender identity, we need to seek out others whose job it is to help others.

I got to thinking about all this as I was fastening my stocking to my garter belt at my most recent photo shoot.

The first time you do ANYTHING will likely trigger a LOT of very different and surprising emotions. You THOUGHT something would be fun or scary or sexy or whatever but you realize that it wasn’t. Like going out en femme for the fist time. You might think it will be terrifying or amazing but it more than likely will be a lovely but rather unremarkable adventure.

My first lingerie shoot was terrifying. When it was over I thought to myself that I had gotten it out of my system, if you will, and I doubted I would ever do it again.

lol.

It didn’t take long to do another.

There are reasons I do photo shoots and there are reasons I do lingerie photo shoots. I don’t REALLY have an “agenda”, so to speak. I am not trying to make a statement and I am pretty sure I have pushed my boundaries as far as I will. I think I have strutted out of every comfort zone I think I’ve ever had.

Photo shoots are fun and boring and empowering at the same time. They can also be humbling but let’s focus on the positive. At my most recent shoot I wore a very cute bra/panty/garter belt/stockings ensemble.

Obviously lingerie tends to be revealing but some items are more so than others. I tend to feel less… exposed in a corset as it covers more of my skin AND gives me a better figure. But without a corset to cover my tummy, I am showing as much of my body as I am comfortable with.

But like many things in life, you commit to it. I commit to the lingerie, revealed flaws and all. Of course, you don’t HAVE to commit. You don’t HAVE to wear anything. But you do have to make peace with yourself. I approach fifty years old with each breath and I am thankful to do so. I am healthy and able-bodied. But I know that we are all running on borrowed time. Things can change overnight, things can change in a blink.

Someday I’ll look back on these days and curse myself for not being appreciative of my health and relative youth. I try not to take things for granted but you really never know how much you do until it’s gone.

Leaving this world with a satisfied mind is my goal. Moving into the next decade of my life without regretting wasted time and missed opportunities is something I think about often.

As I age I notice changes to my body. If I get a little more tired after a workout or after yardwork than I used to, I always think that I’m too young for that discomfort. But mentally I am still in my twenties when it comes to what I think I can do physically. These small moments are reminders that our time is short.

I am aging as two genders. Foundation and concealer work a lot harder they used to when it comes to covering the bags under my eyes. I cinch my corset differently as my weight distributes to different parts of my body compared to a few years ago.

I know I will look back on these words in ten years and laugh at how naive and how young as at the time I wrote this. If you are older than I am you are probably already thinking this about me.

I can’t stop time from passing. Aging is inevitable. There are things we can change and affect but for the parts of our lives we can do little about, the only thing we can do is make peace with them.

Making peace with something we can’t change or stop is an enormous victory. To put down the burden and weight of resistance is freeing. We can use the energy and time to enjoy a moment.

Such as a lingerie photo shoot.

I could agonize about countless things about my body when I am wearing lingerie. And I do. But I don’t have to let these intrusive thoughts hold me back. I’ve made peace with them… most of the time.

After my stocking was fastened to my garter, Shannonelee asked where I wanted to shoot. Typically our photo shoots are in a rented studio in an old warehouse building. The studio itself is usually beautifully decorated in vintage furniture, perfect for boudoir pictures. But I am drawn to contrast. I love old buildings. Exposed bricks beneath crumbling plaster. Hardwood floors installed almost a century ago. There is beauty in decay.

We explored the deserted building looking for inspiration and good lighting. We snapped pictures in stairwells and gloomy hallways and against walls that could tell amazing stories if they could speak.

I thought about how strange the moment was. Twenty four hours prior to this I was at my desk working on whatever project needed to be done. I thought about how five years ago I never would have had the courage to do what I was doing. I knew that thirty years ago I was terrified of anyone finding out about this side of me but here I was, taking photos that I would likely put on the internet.

The moment represented peace. It represented acceptance. I realized that walking around an old building in lingerie makes me incredibly happy. None of this happiness and peace comes from arrogance or hubris. I know I looked better in lingerie five years ago. I know I look better in lingerie than I will in another five years.

I do these shoots not because I think I look amazing. That is not enough to do them. It’s being at peace with who you are, with your gender identity, with your body. These things are not easy to accept. It’s even harder to embrace them. Boudoir means confidence, not sexiness.

Buildings age and there is beauty in this. Cracked walls tell a story. Our bodies and hearts and souls are not immune from the years. There is beauty in crow’s feet. Laugh lines also tell stories.

I feel it’s an incredible victory to be able to look into the mirror and into your soul and find peace, no matter where you are.. even in a decaying warehouse wearing lingerie.

Love, Hannah