Ask Hannah!

I’ve been crossdressing most of my adult life. I’m married and my wife thinks there is something wrong with me. I have also been having thoughts being with a man.

The short answer is that there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with crossdressing itself. Of course, not everyone will agree with that. In fact, there’s hardly anything that everyone will agree with. It’s not uncommon for our partners (and really, most people) to not understand (to put it mildly) why we wear what we wear.

But understanding this is a lot to ask of someone. In my opinion, we don’t NEED understanding. Just acceptance. Does my wife need to understand why corsets make me happy? No. Does she accept me? Yes.

Do I understand why corsets make me happy? No.

I can’t expect someone to understand something that I myself don’t understand. To put things another way, I can’t for the life of me understand why someone chooses to wear baggy sweatpants but I don’t NEED to understand someone’s clothing preferences.

And it’s not someone else’s fault if we are not understood. Someone wanting to wear something that is typically associated with a different gender is not really easy to understand or relate it. We tend to begin understanding someone else through context and relatable feelings and experiences.

For example!

I heart stilettos. My wife happily kicks off her heels as soon as she gets home. She and I have different perspectives when it comes to shoes. She can’t understand why I choose to wear the sky-high heels that I adore.

Buuuut she understands someone wanting to feel and look beautiful. From that perspective, she can slowly begin to understand why how I feel… without understanding why.

Many cisgender people don’t give a second thought to their own gender identity or presentation. Not feeling quite right identifying and/or presenting as the gender they were assigned at birth isn’t something that someone else can always relate to.

For example!

It wasn’t long ago when people who were left-handed were forced to write right-handed. There was some stupid and paranoid belief that being left-handed was a sign of communism or Satansim.

Of course, if you were left-handed it didn’t feel quite right (no pun intended) to use your right hand. It felt off. Gender identity and presentation can be a little like that.

Again, it’s not our partner’s fault if they don’t understand this side of us. They are not obligated to. It’s really up to us to find a way to communicate our feelings to them. And it’s hard! Many of us don’t really understand this side of us ourselves, so relaying our feelings and thoughts and desires to someone else isn’t easy.

But relationships are completely dependent on communication. When it comes to crossdressing it’s up to the crossdresser to do the heavy lifting. We need to take the initiative and lead the conversation. We can’t expect our partners to come around and figure it out for themselves.

Our partners are not required to immediately (or ever) accept this side of us. This is especially true when it comes to how and when we come out to them.

I came out to my wife before we lived with each other. In a way, she knew what I was all about (as much as I understood at the time) before we made a significant commitment in our relationship. She knew that whatever shape our relationship took, she would be with a crossdressing partner.

If I came out five years into our marriage after keeping this from her all that time, that’s different. Crossdressing changes things in a way that can be as significant and as jarring as finding out your partner has a kid from a previous relationship or something else.

You need to put your cards on the table before you commit to someone else. This includes emotional baggage, finances, sexual interests, and hopes for the future. Coming out after marriage changes the dynamic in such a way that I don’t think it’s fair what we expect our spouse to be immediately on board with this side of us or automatically committed to accommodating our crossdressing. Accepting this side of one’s husband is a lot of work and it’s not always something someone wants to incorporate into a relationship. This side of us can be a deal-breaker, whether or not you think it’s fair. Your partner has a say in things, too.

On a related note, coming out (willingly or getting caught) also brings a dynamic of your partner potentially feeling you were not being honest with them. This now becomes a trust issue which adds onto the crossdressing issue.

I mean, personally I would be hurt and possibly angry if I found out something so significant about my partner after we married. It’s crucial that we understand the gravitas that our crossdressing can bring. We might think wearing panties is “no big deal” but that’s not for us to decide for our partners. It likely IS a big deal.

Media’s portrayal of crossdressing is working against us. Historically crossdressing was shown as kinky or dirty or for comedic effect. It’s likely these stereotypes are the first thing that come to someone’s mind when we come out to them. We have to deconstruct that and then rebuild, if you will.

So, now what? If you are struggling to communicate your feelings and thoughts to your spouse then you need to get help doing so. I absolutely recommend therapy. A good therapist may be able to help you understand, or at least help you put things into words, this side of you. They can also help with communicating with your wife.

Of course, it’s also possible that no matter how much work you put into communicating your feelings your partner may still not understand, or even tolerate, this aspect of you. Again, our partners are under no obligation to accept our gender identity or crossdressing.

One more thing to keep in mind: It’s not always the crossdressing ITSELF that’s an issue. It’s often the actions that come WITH or as a RESULT of crossdressing that are problems.

More of my perspective on crossdressing and relationships can be found here.

And yes there is a lot of material there but marriage is a HUGE part of one’s life and gender identity is a HUGE part of one’s life but when you mix the two? Oh girl. The nuances and feelings are multifaceted when it comes to these two aspects of one life and they need and deserve your attention, time, and consideration.

As for your sexual curiosities…

This is something that you need to figure out. I don’t think all heterosexual people are as heterosexual as they think they are and I really don’t see the need for sexual identification. Soooo many of my queer friends have told me “I thought I was straight until I saw _______” or something along those lines. What I mean is that we live our lives thinking one thing and then BAM something or someone comes along and alters our perspective.

This happens more often than we think it does… and it’s not ALWAYS about sexual attraction.

For example!

I never thought I would like salmon and then one day I had dinner with friends and someone ordered it and it just looked amazing. I tried it and now I loooove salmon. I didn’t think I could like rap until I heard Doomtree. I didn’t think I could like country music until I heard Mary Chapin Carpenter.

(Of course, liking one kind of fish and liking one artist doesn’t mean I like ALL seafood nor does it mean that I like the entire genre an artist is associated with, but rather it means it’s possible that while I may not like SOMETHING, whether it’s classification of music or a type of cuisine it’s not outside the realm that there are exceptions.)

I am not trivializing sexual identity but I think it’s very possible that this happens with people too.

Some of us think about intimacy with men when we are dressed and I think it’s for two reasons. However, I want to stress that this is my perspective as I have never thought about being intimate with a man, like ever, regardless of what I am wearing so it’s very likely I am all wrong about my thoughts. And! Even if I did WANT to be with a man I understand that I can only give my perspective on my feelings and experience.

This is not to say that I identify as straight. This is not to say that I don’t. I don’t think about my sexual identity.

Anyway, first reason! When we are dressed we are sometimes enveloped in the Pink Fog and enraptured with femininity. We love the feeling and often want to feel as femme as possible. So, some of us think about being with a man in these moments. Why? I don’t think it has as much to do with sexual curiosity as one would think but rather it’s about feeling even more feminine. I imagine the thought process is along the lines of “many men have sex with women and if a man has sex with me while I am dressed he sees me as a woman which validates my gender presentation and identity”.

Of course, we shouldn’t rely or depend on someone else or intimacy or sex (in all it’s myriad of forms) when it comes to validity.

Second reason! Dressing for many of us forces and allows us to feel more vulnerable. For some of us, it’s easier in a way to express our thoughts and emotions and fears and desires when we are en femme or simply wearing beautiful lingerie. We might be more entuned with what our heart wants and it’s possible we are allowing ourselves to acknowledge that maybe our sexuality isn’t as solid as we think it is.

To be clear, I personally don’t think our sexual preference changes when we are dressed. I don’t think one’s sexuality is connected in any way to what one is wearing. I don’t put on a dress and all of a sudden I am attracted to a gender I wasn’t when I was in male mode. I think if you are curious about being with a man when you are en femme you are probably curious about being with a man in male mode but you likely are not acknowledging (or allowing yourself to acknowledge) this curiosity or attraction.

So! I think you have some soul-searching to do and therapy could be beneficial when it comes to communicating with your wife.

Love, Hannah

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