I have a habit of rereading posts after they go live. I get so absorbed in writing that sometimes I miss something, whether it’s a grammatical or punctuation error (if you spot one, please let me know) or sometimes I realize that something wasn’t as clear as I’d like it to be. It’s when I reread a post I can be a little more objective and read it as a reader, as opposed to reading with an editor’s eye.
Sometimes when I read something, whether it’s something I wrote or didn’t write, something obvious, such as a question, leaps out at me.
After a recent post was, um, posted, I played Devil’s Advocate for myself and asked why don’t I live this? Why don’t I wear a skirt in male mode? Why am I not out to everyone, gender norms be damned?
“This” being ignoring gender norms. ”This” being no longer obeying an arbitrary rule about what someone can and cannot wear.
Gender norms and arbitrary rules say, in part, boys can’t wear skirts or paint their nails or other “girl” things.
I wrote (or at least I THINK I wrote, I haven’t checked) in the aforementioned post that I am not rebellious by nature but I have a very difficult time following a new procedure at work if it makes absolutely no sense. Gender norms are like that. It makes no sense why people with a penis can’t wear leggings or a skirt.
It’s probably hypocritical for me to “obey” these rules that someone, somewhere, invented. If I want to wear something, what’s stopping me?
The truth is, no one.
Also, no one is going to “let” me, but that’s another topic for another day.
Could I be arrested or issued a citation or asked to leave a store if I wore a skirt in male mode? Probably not.
It’s kind of funny because I don’t give a second thought to going out en femme but a simple skirt in male mode is a completely different adventure.
But… why?
There are two elements to consider when it comes to “girl clothes” in “boy mode”. And yes, I am using quotation marks here because the those two terms are arbitrary and subjective and pointless.
The first element is, well, I’d be a boy wearing a skirt or whatever. Would I get stared at and pointed at? Possibly. Could some asshole bigot decide their worthless opinion about my outfit is worth sharing? Possibly.
But I can handle that. As someone who has been going out en femme for over a decade I have steeled myself for these occasions and I am pleasantly surprised at how infrequent these interactions occur.
The second element is that I am recognizable in male mode. To be clear I am not famous or anything like that. The chance of me encountering someone I know is a real thing, but what is more likely is someone my wife knows recognizing me.
My wife knows a lot of people and it’s not uncommon for me to be at Target or whatever and someone approaches me and asks me to tell my wife that they said hi. Or I return home and my wife says that someone she knows saw me at the store or whatever.
(I suppose this is one the biggest reasons I mainly shop online for my clothes.)
If I am out in the real world wearing a skirt, then there’s a good chance someone my wife knows will see that her husband is wearing a skirt. Aaannnnd it stands to supposition that they might ask her about it OR think of her as the girl who has a husband who wears girl clothes.
And honestly I am not going to do that to her. My perspective on gender roles is mine and any effort to defy them is my crusade, if you will. I don’t want her to feel that she has to defend my outfit or explain my thoughts on defying gender norms. This side of us is a lot to ask of our partners and I try to minimize any stress that who I am brings.
Of course, I COULD take my own advice and travel out of the area and do what I please in a skirt, I COULD go somewhere where the chance of running into someone either of us knows is significantly reduced.
BUT the whole point to wearing what I please is partially to due to just taking apart these arbitrary rules of gender and clothes and normalizing wearing what one pleases. It’s less about the thrill of wearing a skirt in male mode.
Does that make sense?
Sometimes I get frustrated with the world’s stubbornness to maintain these arbitrary gender norms to the point I just want to revolutionize. And my god that sounds extreme and arrogant.
What I mean is that I have thought about applying the mission statement, if you will, of the MN T-Girls to a different organization. The goal of the MN T-Girls is to normalize girls like us doing normal, every day things. It helps girls like me gain the confidence to be out in the real world and maybe, just maybe, helps others see that girls like us are, well, people. We are not the scary and confused perverts that some were led to believe.
I COULD try to start a “boys in skirts” group or whatever and get together and do everyday things with other masculine presenting people… but just in skirts.
But I won’t.
Two reasons:
The first reason is minimizing the stress that this side of me has on my wife. If the goal of the group is to have a very public presence in an effort to normalize people wearing what they want, then it opens up the possibility of being seen. Again, I am not going to do that to my wife.
Secondly, I think I need to, well, pick a lane in terms of what I invest my time and energy into. Taking on a second group, in addition to the MN T-Girls, would be spreading myself too thin.
I believe in living one’s truth and I do what I can to avoid being a hypocrite. I feel I am a LITTLE hypocritical by believing that one can wear what they want BUT not, well, wearing what I want.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
As I read this I was thinking of a third reason for why I don’t wear a skirt in male mode: I don’t want to. I strive to present as a woman, not as a man in a dress, or a skirt, or slacks. Not that there is anything wrong with a male wearing any of those items, but for me the goal is to get as close as I can to being a woman.
LikeLike
Hi Hannah. Good discussion. I am a firm believer that each of us has a unique path. There are no lanes, no manual, no rule book that defines how we are supposed to be our En Femme selves. Just as there are these ridiculous conformities in our society, our community needs to be careful not to subscribe to the same ideology of what it takes to be a CD, Trans Woman, etc. You do you the way you think is best to be happy, safe, and free.
Nadine
LikeLike
I really enjoyed this article! The gender labels attached to clothing (and my desire for that to not exist) is something I think about almost daily. To be honest, I think about it every single time I see a fabulous feminine outfit and I say to myself “I wish I could wear that!”
I have an infatuation with pantyhose. I’ve been wearing them in secret most of my life and continue to do that today, even if it’s just for a few hours of silky smooth bliss. There’s really no reason that I shouldn’t be “allowed” to enjoy the comfort of this clothing whenever I’m in the mood. And to wear pretty panties and my sexy stilettos with them…just because I want to.
Who decided that any of these items were only to be worn by women? And why? What is “wrong” with a man wanting to enjoy the look and feel of nylon on his legs? Or the look and feel of *any* piece of clothing on his body?
I know there are people who say “if you want to wear them, then do it! Social norms be damned!” But unfortunately the consequences of these actions are complicated. Life is complicated. And, simply put, I personally am not ready to take that leap and diecover the consequences. So I cheer all those who can outwardly live their truth in the clothing of their choice. And I cherish every moment of my secret time in my pantyhose, hoping that someday it is a normal, everyday part of my wardrobe.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well said!
LikeLike
Personally, I love to present as full-femme in the fall and winter and genderqueer in the spring and summer.
Full-femme with the wig, makeup, pantyhose and heels gives me the feeling of having entered another social role. It’s a ticket to seeing and experiencing things from a feminine perspective , and being treated like a lady.
Genderqueer allows me to experience all the advantages of pretty casual dresses and wedgy espadrilles. Light, graceful, loose and airy while super feminine with ruffles and florals. Those feelings would be dashed if I had to wear a wig and maintain my makeup in 90 degree weather. So out I go to enjoy a beautiful day as naturally feminine as my boy body with its boy haircut will allow.
LikeLike
At one of the card/board game groups that I attend there is a person that is dressed in a nice skirt and top whenever I’ve seen them. I believe that they go by their male name, and have other male features showing. Not sure about their pronoun choices. And they are perfectly accepted in the group. Just being who they want to be is, and should be, no big deal.
LikeLike
You said — ” The first reason is minimizing the stress that this side of me has on my wife.” ( and I add Family ) .This is why many of us out here have to keep our T-girl feelings and enfemme desires closeted deeply and resisted to the best of our ability .I suppose if there was a very protected private “Casa Susana “resort it would be greatly desired for some to present their dressing and feelings for just a weekend .
𝒱𝑒𝓇𝒶 𝒬
LikeLike
I agree in that there is nothing wrong with compartmentalizing the dual aspects of our selves to the public. In other words, controlling the environment(s) of our chosen gender expression. Thirty years ago that is what almost all crossdressers did.
Cee Fillio
LikeLike
Hi, Hannah,
Trust me, you can’t make this up. 🙂
My situation is quite the opposite, in that it was my ex that couldn’t keep her mouth shut. She apparently was so troubled by my cross dressing that she had to ask all of her friends, and many others, for advice. (And yes, I didn’t tell her until after we were married for two years, something for which I take full responsibility.)
Interestingly, a couple of years after my divorce, I began wearing dresses openly, and did so for over 35 years, until I decided to transition to female. (Although I am attracted to women, I’m much too “girly” for a relationship with one.)
In hindsight I would have been much better off had I transitioned earlier. Although I overcame any possible discrimination by running my own business, doing so involved a good deal of financial sacrifice.
Unfortunately, with the resurgence of the “bigot vote” thanks to the Republican Party, things haven’t improved for trans people as much as I’d hoped.
Laura Bushey
LikeLike
Hi Hannah,
This is a very interesting topic. One that I haven’t fully come to grips with.
On the surface I agree that most gender norms are silly. Why are some cars considered “girl’s” cars and other considered “man’s” cars, or drinks or movies or ….. In my everyday life I express to others that I don’t have a problem with a man driving a pink beetle or a female driving a monster truck. Or a man drinking a appletini and a woman drinking a bourbon on the rocks. Or Barbie is a girl’s movies while fast and furious 186 is a guy’s movie. All of this seems like silliness to me.
Yet I want to drive a pink beetle, drink an appletini and watch Barbi simply because they are considered female things. So, on the other hand, I love the gender norms. And I fully understand the danger of this thinking.
In guy mode I still almost always wear women’s clothes usually like a women’s jeans, women’s sneakers and a unisex hoodie. While in girl mode I usually add a heal, a girlie top and makeup. I like and want to be considered female by the world. I hate full guy mode.
I have no idea how to solve the hypocrisy of the view. I would never hold gender norms against someone but I kind of like them for myself.
Jodi
LikeLike
Hi Jodi,
Like you, I wrestle with both sides of the gender identity issue. In a previous comment to this post, I said that I wish clothing had no gender so that it would be “acceptable” for me to wear items like pantyhose anywhere and anytime I wanted. But I wonder if pantyhose would still be as attractive and enticing to me if they were not “women’s clothing”. I’ve been wearing them for decades and still look forward to any opportunity to wear them, if even for only an hour. And I think that is because I enjoy that opportunity to look and feel pretty and soft and….feminine.
So then I go back to being glad that clothing has gender labels so that I can slip into something soft and silky, or elegant, or sexy and express the feminine side of me instead of just being a man in a dress and heels and hose.
I still don’t have a clear answer about this situation. Perhaps an appletini or 3 would help!
LikeLike
In my case, I suppose I could wear a skirt in male mode, but I don’t want to. I dress for the explicit purpose of presenting (successfully or not) as a woman, not as a male in women’s clothing. Perhaps to some people, that is a distinction without a difference, but it makes all the difference in the world to me.
Kim
LikeLike
I can definitely empathize with the sentiment of not putting my wife in a difficult position. I have thought about this quite often. For those of us with school age children in activities and events it takes this sentiment perhaps a step further.
Honestly it’s something I struggle with on occasion. I get the monthly emails for mn-tgirl outings and think ooh that looks fun I need to try to make that one, but when cross-referencing the dates there almost always is a conflicting event in the family. In my mind since dressing is for me and me only, it would be incredibly selfish for me too choose something for me and me only over a family event or activity or dress up and go to a local store where chances are very good that I run into someone we know.
Don’t get me wrong I enjoy family activities, but sometimes I think maybe I’m viewing this wrong. Maybe if I do something for myself once in a while I’ll be in a better mood and therefore better husband and father or something along those lines. I can’t say for sure as I’ve never chosen my needs and wants over any family events and realistically probably won’t, nor would I put my wife and family in a uncomfortable situation by going out where I could be recognized locally. There really isn’t a great answer either way, but in my mind I believe sacrificing this side of myself more often then I might want to is at this moment in my life the right decision. I may change my mind, but that is how I feel now.
LikeLike
I have a public job so wearing a skirt or dress to work (other than at Halloween) is a career killer. Like Jodi, I am always in “guy mode” while in only “women’s” clothes. The only difference between me and the average woman is I have less makeup, nicer nails and higher heels. Also I am thinner.
LikeLike