When I Was a Boy

Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of “sad bitch music” as some of my friends call it. One artist I really like when I feel like getting in touch with my inner sad bitch is Dar Williams. I discovered her a while ago with the song “When I Was a Boy”.

As you can imagine, the title caught my attention and like many things that I encounter in life I had to know everything about this song, particularly the lyrics.

I won’t forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy; I’m glad he didn’t check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other’s lives out on the pirate’s deck.
And I remember that night
When I’m leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it’s not safe, someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.
When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don’t know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.
And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.

I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, “Get your shirt, “
I said “No way, it’s the last time I’m not breaking any law.”
And now I’m in a clothing store, and the sign says less is more
More that’s tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can’t help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, see that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they’ve got implants to put in, they’ve got implants to remove
But I am not forgetting
That I was a boy too

And like the woods where I would creep, it’s a secret I can keep
Except when I’m tired, except when I’m being caught off guard
I’ve had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.
And I tell the man I’m with about the other life I lived
And I say now you’re top gun, I have lost and you have won
And he says, “Oh no, no, can’t you see
When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I’m alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you.

I’ve heard the song is about what childhood is like before gender roles start being imposed on us… which happens really, really early. I also think that there’s an element of the song of a child not being aware of society’s gender norms. I think until gender norms are crammed down our throat we just do what we want, like picking flowers or climbing trees.

You know, kid things. Things that have nothing to do with gender.

It’s a blissful part of one’s life… doing what you wish before you’re told it’s wrong because of your body parts. I remember this time.

Which is kind of funny. To remember a relatively short part of one’s life, a part that happened decades and decades ago. but not being able to recall what I came into a room to do.

I remember wanting to wear lingerie when I was young. Of course, I didn’t KNOW it was lingerie and I certainly didn’t understand that lingerie was typically associated with sex. All I knew is that the mannequins at the department store wore the most beautiful nighties and panties.

I experienced the emotion I would come to understand as “longing” very early in life.

I didn’t know almost every single article of clothing was genderized. I didn’t know that boys and girls weren’t allowed to wear what they wanted.

And this was wonderful.

Sure, I knew my brother and I were boys and that my sisters were girls. This meant nothing to me. I thought this was as irrelevant as one’s hair color when it came to what one was allowed to wear or do or feel. It was simply an adjective.

Little did I know that this adjective would dictate every single aspect of my wardrobe and the emotions I was allowed to express for the majority of my life.

Eventually I realized that I never saw other boys wear what I wanted to wear (and what I wore in secret when I had the chance). I never saw a man wear a skirt. I’m not the sharpest stiletto in the closet but I acknowledged that most boys probably didn’t wear panties or dresses.

The reason I dressed in secret was not because I thought that it was wrong, but because I was sneaking into my sisters’ closets without permission. And that was wrong. That was a family rule. We were not allowed to borrow things without asking. The reason I didn’t ask was because, well, I really really really wanted to try on their clothes and if I asked, they might say no.

Even after the realization that I never saw boys wear what I later learned were “girl clothes” I still didn’t think it was wrong. I knew that every person was different and had different preferences whether it was a sport or movies. I assumed clothes were the same.

Learning that boys and girls were allowed or prohibited from certain clothes was stunning to me. It was the most ridiculous and confusing thing I had ever heard.

I can recall this moment perfectly.

I was five, almost six years old. My mom was getting ready to drive me to school and was applying her lipstick. She used to sit the older of my two sisters on the bathroom counter when she did this. My sister asked for lipstick too and my mom happily dabbed a little on her.

I asked to be next and was told that boys didn’t wear lipstick.

It was the first time I was told that people weren’t allowed to wear something because of their gender.

As I write this I can’t help but wonder just how many people who are cisgender can recall the moment they learned of gender norms.

The song hits me in a significant way as I can remember doing what people call “girl things” when I was young. When my dad was at work and my older brother at school, my mom and sisters played in the backyard. We picked flowers.

I didn’t know that this was wrong.

How strange it is to live on a beautiful planet that has given us everything we need to be anything who we want but being told that flowers are not for everyone.

Gender norms are maintained by humans. We created them. We did this to ourselves.

Of course, if we created them, then it stands to think that we can undo them. This is getting a little off topic (big surprise) but how did these norms start? Did some random person start walking around a village telling everyone that only girls can wear dresses which led to this “rule” spreading and then here we are?

Anyway.

I suppose my point is that life is blissful until we are introduced to gender norms and completely arbitrary rules. I have a very difficult time adopting new procedures at work if they make absolutely no sense and this defiance spills over to other parts of my life. I am not rebellious by nature but being told to do something, to wear something, because “it’s just how it’s done” does not motivate me to fall in line.

Love, Hannah