I know there are people who say “if you want to wear them, then do it! Social norms be damned!” But unfortunately the consequences of these actions are complicated.
I love reading comments on posts for a couple of reasons.
- I write because it helps me sort out my thoughts and perspectives. Sometimes I am consumed by an idea or a frustration and writing helps get whatever is in my head and heart out. But I do find a lot of joy knowing that others are reading and possibly connecting with what I’m writing about. It validates me in a lot of ways. Like, okay, I’m not crazy, a lot of others think the same thing.
- Often a comment sums up what I’m thinking better than I could and inspires me to have a new perspective or inspires more writing
The above comment, italicized for your reading pleasure, really stuck out for me. It’s SO easy to say that we should strut out into the real world and not give a passing thought to what others might think but we all know that it’s not that easy.
I’ve always hated the maxim “live each day as it’s your last!” because that’s not practical. I mean, if today WAS my last day I wouldn’t bother going to work, among other things. But not going to work, or other things one might choose to do during their last day, will have consequences the next day.
Because although you lived yesterday as if it was your last day, guess what? It wasn’t your last day. Now you are back into the real world AND you are dealing with whatever fallout there is from the day before.
Our actions will trigger consequences that may reverberate throughout our entire lives. A butterfly effect, if you will.
Case in point, Saturday.
Two days ago I ran one errand. I was at home, wearing my favorite pair of faux leather leggings and I needed ONE thing at ONE store. I was tempted to just run out as I was dressed but I didn’t.
Good thing, too.
I just happened to run into someone my wife knows. A very gossipy person. Someone who likes creating drama under the guise of good intentions. It wouldn’t be unrealistic for her to “innocently” mention in a group chat that she and my wife are in that she ran into me and just “happen” to mention that I was wearing leggings.
And just like that, a dozen of my wife’s friends and work colleagues know that her husband was wearing leggings while out running errands.
It won’t take long for assumptions to begin. Stereotypes about crossdressers will resurface. More gossip.
Consequences.
All of a sudden my wife is entangled into my gender identity, my clothing preferences, my whole thing, in a very public forum. My wife is supportive and understanding and accepting but this is not her crusade (if you will). It’s not fair that she has to deal with the fallout or consequences or gossip that a simple pair of leggings has wrought.
Could tension spill over to our relationship? Absolutely.
Is that fair to her? Of course not. This side of me asks a lot from her and I do my best to minimize the stress that it brings or could bring. Not wearing an obvious piece of femme clothes in male mode absolutely eliminates any potential consequences.
It’s easy to say, as the reader pointed out, to wear what we want and to hell with others, but if you’re in a relationship you know that your life is entwined with your partner. You might not care what others think of you, but they will also have thoughts about your significant other. Whether or not you think what others feel about you matters is irrelevant. If this side of you creates even more stress or tension in your relationship, the consequences could be significantly more serious than just gossip.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
I suspect that part of the reason spouses leave marriages where someone comes out, whether publicly or not, is because they can’t or won’t cope with the social fallout. If we lived in a more loving, understanding, compassionate world, might not be the case. Regardless, agree that we have responsibility to protect our families. Some will say that we are not being true to ourselves if we are not completely out to the world, but that is not for the rest of the world to decide and the consequences, good or bad, are real.
It is up to each of us to choose how we want to do this.
Nadine
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I can empathize with this and your previous post. I think about this often. The consequences fear is real and part of the reason I don’t go out locally. The main reason I don’t dress more or have only been to one mn-tgirl event is I believe I’m being selfish choosing dressing or family events. I get the emails of the monthly events and think ooh that would be a good one to go to, then family events always will take priority.
My own thought process on this is I believe I’m being selfish by not being at said event. I’m dressing because I like it. It’s for me and me only.
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Seize the moment, perhaps. But consider options and the potential consequences first.
Looking back on my own life, the actions taken on impulse have, more often than not, had adverse consequences for me and those I care about.
Spontaneity may be a good thing in sport or art, but I would submit that the athlete in the zone or the gifted improvisation derives not so much from the moment of impulse, but the ten thousand hours of practice that preceded it.
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Absolutely! If we live our lives as though what we do does not impact others, then we are living selfishly. I choose to remain in the closet out of respect for my wife’s wishes and the value I place on her and our marriage. If I was single and didn’t have grandchildren, who knows? Nancy
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It took me a moment to realize your post started with my comment haha! Thank you for so eloquently expanding on that brief comment. Everyone’s life is different, just as everyone’s crossdressing/gender identity journey is different, so each should strive to do what is best for them and their circle of family & friends.
Many years ago I decided to “test the waters” of my crossdressing secret with my ex by telling her that I had a dream that I wore a pair of her stockings and enjoyed it. I asked her not to tell anyone about this “embarrassing” dream, but she couldn’t help herself and she had to tell our gang of friends that weekend – just so she could be a star with her funny story. (Reason # 75,136 that she’s my ex.) I was angry and mortified and decided right then and there to keep my CD life deep in the closet.
As much as it would be great to throw caution to the wind and let the world know what you like to wear in the privacy of home, to me in these cases, it’s best to err on the side of caution.
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