I love allegory.
I think it’s incredibly helpful when it comes to explaining something complex and breaking it into a relatable content.
When it comes to cliches, I begrudgingly admit that most of them have value and ring true.
For example! It’s a bit of a cliche to say that society puts us into a cage. We are contained within barriers built and, well, enforced, by our world’s expectations of gender presentation and gender norms.
But! We can free ourselves from the cage.
Please note that this is not the same as being freed of the cage. No one is going to allow us to dress how we wish. We have to make the choice to strut out of whatever cage we are in.
But! It’s not that simple. There are going to reverberations when one lives their truth.
It sounds so… EPIC to describe someone wearing panties as someone living their truth but I’ll take it.
But! What happens when we leave the cage? The world we enter is limitless. We have no direction, no plan, no rules. The world is ours and this is terrifying and empowering at the same time.
Have you ever seen a mouse escape their cage? They are off like a shot, like a pinball ricocheting off of every obstacle they encounter. You’ve no idea where they’re going but they don’t know that either.
They are terrified but they have a sense of freedom.
Or so I imagine. I’ve no idea. I’m not a mouse psychologist.
When we escape the cage of gender norms, we have these same emotions. We are afraid of leaving the space (in this case, a mental space) that although it confined us, it was familiar. But we have this sense of potential, this unlimited world of gender presentation when there is no cage.
We dive in. We are lost in the Pink Fog. We are fueled by desire, by instinct, and by impulse.
But eventually we come up for air and we begin to gather our thoughts. Our first coherent thought is likely “where is all of this going?”
And then, “who am I?” ”What do I want?”
Are we crossdressers? Are we transgender? Are we something else? Should we transition?
I think many of us think that transitioning is at the end of the journey we have just embarked on. And maybe it is, but I think the reason many of us think this is because of the momentum that breaking out of the cage created.
We take those tentative, those baby steps, out of the cage. But it doesn’t take long for many of us to be catapulted into euphoria. All of it feels wonderful. We never want to leave this feeling of the feminine.
We want to feel this forever.
And I get it.
I do.
Transitioning is one way we think we can feel this always and forever.
But this doesn’t necessarily mean that transitioning is right for every single one of us. I know it sometimes feels that every crossdresser is taking HRT but this isn’t the case. Reading comments on my posts is a very good reminder that there are countless girls out there who have no desire to transition.
So, how does one know?
A gender therapist can absolutely help.
Talking to other girls like us can also help. T-girl Talk typically involves makeup techniques for beard cover or where to buy heels that fit, but it also usually consists of feelings. Specifically how dressing and presenting en femme makes us feel.
And yes, dressing makes us happy. Who doesn’t want to be happy? Who doesn’t want to be happy 24/7?
(I mean, it’s not possible to be HAPPY 24/7, but I think we should focus on trying to feel at peace instead.)
Talking to other t-girls reinforced my thinking that transitioning wasn’t right for me. When we would talk about the undressing and going back to our male lives and presenting as masculine I was finally able to put into words why transitioning wasn’t and isn’t right for me.
And please understand that this is my experience, my thinking. When it comes to any decision, how one person arrives at that choice isn’t and shouldn’t be THE standard when it comes to that decision. How I made the decision about transitioning or in this case, not transitioning, is how I made it. It’s not necessarily the same parameters someone else should abide by.
When I would undress and wash off my eyeliner and unfasten my stilettos, I would usually hum the lyrics from that Eurythmics song.
Back to life
Back to reality
Back to his life.
How did this return make me feel?
It felt like returning from vacation and I was unpacking. I loved my break from my everyday life but I love my everyday life. The vacation was nice and now I was back to my responsibilities but the life I returned to is, and always has been, very rewarding and fulfilling.
My point is that going back to his life didn’t make me sad. I don’t feel anxious when I am HIM. Sure, I underdress in male mode so my connection to the feminine is constant and I am almost always daydreaming about clothes and going out en femme again but I don’t feel anxious or depressed in male mode.
Many of us feel that we are en femme that this is the real us. And for me, this is true. But I also feel that when I am presenting as male that is also the real me. I know that my masculine presentation is not permanent. I’ll be rocking a dress soon. And when I do, I’ll be happy. I’ll be content. Or rather, I’ll still be happy. I’ll still be content.
Being en femme feels right for me. But for me, that doesn’t mean transitioning is the journey I should be on. Rather the deciding factor was how I felt when I wasn’t en femme. Again, I don’t feel anxious or depressed. I mean, sure, I don’t have as much getting dressed as a boy and it’s not as much fun running errands or whatever, but I don’t feel I am, well, not living my truth when I am HIM.
If you aren’t sure what is right for you, I encourage you to talk to a therapist to specializes in gender, I encourage you to talk to other girls like yourself, and I encourage you to think about how you FEEL… when you aren’t en femme.
I truly hope this is helpful.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Well said , Hannah ! There is no universal one “Right Way” to live our truth . Cliches may still express a real insight . . . “Whatever works !” . Always , P.D.Miller
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Hi Hannah,
Love the article. You are correct, it is probably different for everyone. I spend weeks at a time as Jodi, loving every minute of it. When I have to return to my every day self it is a little different then you. I get very very sad and depressed. But I know I need to return in order be successful in this world. I tend to isolate so people do not find out my “secret” and because I tend not to like myself in my day to day mode.
HRT has helped me, my weeks alone have helped me, every step helps yet I know i am stuck where I am forever.
That said I am very fortunate to have a great career, family and the many opportunities that i have been given. I know most people would love to have the life I do yet it is still feels hallow to me.
I know for every step forward that I take it has a negative impact on someone else in my life which can never bring me happiness. I suspect this is the learned male behavior of being the protector of those you love.
Jodi
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I love this!
What’s funny is that my wife and I were having the same conversation a couple of days ago and just like you said that talking to other t girls has helped confirm that transitioning wasn’t for you, talking to you was confirmation that transitioning is for me. And that feeling of getting out of girl mode was a huge part… I wanted Alicia to be my reality.
Once again, excellent take on this topic! Even though our (um) journeys are different, we still get to help each other along the way ❤
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Very good article and I hoe I will get the courage to let Charlotte out.
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After spending the last month reading the experiences of others, I found that many individuals that chose to transition completely started out with crossdressing as part of their journey. I also discovered there are individuals that loathe the crossdressing world and believe it is somehow a defamation of Transgender women and don’t believe it falls anywhere in the LGBTQ spectrum. Disheartening to see hate and cattiness among people with so much in common.
As you stated, transitioning is not the path for all of us. It really does come down to individual choice based on our own circumstances. There is no rule book or requirement to transition to be accepted.
I also learned that many suffer emotionally from euphoria when in boy mode with serious mental health issues as a result. Making the decision to fully transition is more than a whim. It is the commitment and desire to be a woman and nothing but a woman.
The lengths that people go through to transition are challenging, scary, and yet courageous for those that take that journey. Whether it is just starting HRT, or having multiple other medical procedures to become a woman, the results are not instantaneous. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster that one experiences in making these changes. Regardless, the decision to make these changes were most likely well thought out in advance.
Where feelings about ourselves do play in heavily has more to do with acceptance of ourselves internally. I have read comments where even after transitioning, people still struggle with accepting or loving themselves. A lot of time can be spent looking at the rest of the world for approval or validation, but if we never accept ourselves, we will never really have the peace that we seek.
Nadine
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I think, unlike many of you, my feminine side is the exception, not the rule. My general default is to live daily in male mode. That’s a little fuzzier at home in private with comfy pajamas and such. But due to career expectations and overall life stuff, male is the standard when I leave the house. But I don’t have a problem with that, and I don’t have any plans to transition. For those reasons I feel like “genderfluid” is a better definition for me than transgender. I know it’s all on the same spectrum, but that distinction is meaningful to me, at least.
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Very good comments on this topic – it is fun to dress, but then reality tends to make the decision for us in regard to actually transitioning.
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The ratio of successful transitions to unsuccessful transitions in my observations in over twenty years being part of the TG community is truly heartbreaking.
I have personally witnessed many awful results and some very few good results.
Like most I have seriously considered transition but have ultimately decided upon fluidity as the best fit for me.
Everything is more fun as her but reality has a way of biting and biting hard.
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It got harder and harder to change back to that old guy after a weekend, or more, spent as myself. I delayed it so much that I was often late for work on Mondays. Sometimes very late. And I was sad, and depressed. That was some of what showed me that transition was definitely needed. But even with that, it took a lot of discussions with others in the community, both those that will be part-time for life and those who have lived 24/7 for decades, and many others in between. And a lot of time spent with my therapist. And it wasn’t just if I should transition, but how to go about it, what my particular needs were, what to expect, what might I lose, etc. It’s a huge change, and it can be a huge process.
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Thank you for your perspective. Important for everyone to understand that crossdressing is not the end of the road for many and that the commitment to transition is a very serious, personal, and heart felt decision.
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