Anythings

She sets her alarm five minutes to midnight
And wakes just in time to say her goodbyes
Thanking the old year for all it has brought her
No mention of the things it took away

She shuffles around, turning the lights out
Closes the window, checks on the locks
Folds up the blanket, empties the bottle
And leaves it in the hallway dark

She’s just glad she gets to be around
To see another spring come to this town
Happy new year, happy new year

-Regina Spektor

And Happy Monday if you have lost all concept of time and needed to be told what day it is.

The first day of 2023 I could not have predicted many of the moments and events and changes that the next twelve months brought. Some were amazing, others terrifying, many were hilarious, and a few were challenging.

I know it’s easy on December 31st to be grateful that the shitshow of a year is over and I absolutely acknowledge that for many of us 2023 was the worst period of their lives. And if this was the case for you, I sincerely hope that 2024 is the complete opposite and you have an amazing year.

But if it wasn’t a bad year, I think it’s good to acknowledge that and to thank 2023 for it. I bet there were moments that made you laugh or ate food that was delicious or found a dress that was perfect.

Good things aren’t always the obvious things or the loud things or the shiny things or the big things. Good things don’t always have to be winning the lottery. Good things can also be This Moment as I drink coffee in my living room.

The sooner we appreciate the small and quiet good things, the better. 

Whenever I look ahead, whether it’s for an entire year or for the next few days, I think “anything can happen”. I then think about the Anythings that COULD happen. These events include the best and worst case scenarios as well as completely random and unpredictable outcomes. These scenarios aren’t always realistic and some are more probable than others, but I don’t think that I am being naively optimistic or overly pessimistic. 

To me, it’s important to acknowledge and remember and understand and accept that, yes, anything could happen.

This maxim keeps me… well, it’s not accurate to say it keeps me going because “anything” also includes horrible possibilities, but I think it keeps me centered. It helps me avoid what my therapist calls “high highs” and “low lows”. I have/had a tendency to swing wildly back and forth, like a pendulum, between thinking I AM THE GREATEST and I AM SHIT.

Therapy and medication has helped immensely when it comes to regulating this. Thank goodness.

When I list the Anythings in “anything could happen” I usually have a pretty even set of possibilities between good Anythings and bad Anythings and Anythings that are neither.

The good Anythings keep me from being too pessimistic. Like, why can’t good things happen? Why can’t hard work and a positive attitude pay off? 

The bad Anythings? Honestly they don’t discourage me or send me in a downward spiral of hopelessness the way they used to.

I think bad Anythings are incredibly helpful if you have the right perspective. It’s a mental thing. You can think about these Anythings and determine what could have been done differently to potentially create a different outcome. This thinking can be a learning experience. 

But you can also mentally prepare yourself if the bad Anythings do happen.

Something that I learned is the importance of reframing Anythings. Less than positive outcomes are inevitable in life. Bad Anythings will happen. 

That’s not to say that everything and anything is inevitable. There are things we can do. If you feel your lifestyle puts you at risk for certain medical situations, you can sometimes make a change. You can change your diet, you can change your exercise routine, you can quit drinking. 

When I reframe an Anything, I sometimes change the “if” to “when”.

What I mean is that instead of worrying about IF something will happen I try to think in terms of WHEN something will happen.

For example! Instead of thinking “what will I do IF I get a flat tire when I am out en femme?” I think “what will I do WHEN I get a flat tire when I am out en femme?”. This “When” naturally leads me to a solution. 

So, what will I do WHEN I get a flat tire when I am out en femme? I will pull over to the side of the road. I will call my roadside assistance service. I will wait in my car. I will chat with the tow truck driver. I will then be on my way.

Easy.

Not a super fun thing to happen but the more you drive, regardless of your gender presentation, the more likely it is that car trouble will happen.

I mean, yes, I will be en femme but that’s part of the adventure. I’ve interacted with salesclerks and bra fitters and baristas en femme, but I’ve also interacted with police officers and doctors and my mom as well. Why not add a mechanic to the list? 

We are standing at the start line of 2024. Anything could happen. I could be a bridesmaid. I could get cancer. I could win the lottery. I could lose my job. I could….

You get the point. 

Those Anythings are realistic. They fit within the realm of possibility. They are truly Anythings. 

I don’t feel that this mindset is either optimistic or pessimistic. The good Anythings help get me out of bed each morning. The bad Anythings motivate me.

What I mean by motivating is that I can prepare for them. To an extent. I can see my doctor on a regular basis. I can eat healthier. I can be smarter about my finances. I can create positive relationships.

But bad Anythings can also be completely random. I have a colleague whose spouse fainted at the top of a staircase. They fit their head on a step which caused brain damage which then triggered a seizure.

They were 32 years old.

They spent the next three months learning how to walk again. How to talk. How to do anything. They aren’t the same person as they were before and likely will never be.

Things like this, things that are completely out of the blue terrify me. How could they have prevented that? I suppose we could stay away from stairs but that’s not realistic.

Although they terrify me, things like this also motivate me. They motivate me to make peace with people from my past, for example. The thought of being confined to a hospital bed and knowing I should apologize to someone I’ve wronged or telling someone I’m grateful for something they did, but not being able to, scares me.

And for those wondering, I did make peace with a former girlfriend and I did express my gratitude with another former girlfriend a few weeks ago.

I can’t prepare for everything. I am in relatively good health for someone who is turning fifty next year. But there’s also the possibility that I will have a heart attack on the elliptical machine later today.

Bad Anythings also motivate me to do the things I want to do. And a lot of these things are femme things. Photo shoots, en femme adventures, flying pretty… so many things. There will come a time when I won’t be able to do them. 

lol I think about this a lot when I am walking my dog in the winter. I have a Very Big and Very Strong German Shephard. He is also very impulsive. I cannot tell you how many times he’s pulled me in a completely different direction when he sees a squirrel or a deer or a rabbit… or whatever else he thinks he sees. How many times have I fallen on the ground when this happens? I am afraid that it’s inevitable that I will break an ankle on the ice and it’s possible my days of strutting in stilettos will be over.

I suppose I COULD mitigate this risk by not walking the dog but that’s not possible. Instead we go to more dog parks where he can chase whatever he wishes without being leashed and pulling me to the ground. 

One year ago I told myself that anything could happen. And I was right. Today I tell myself the same thing. And I will be right once more.

Love, Hannah