Lightbulb Moment

Of course, femme presentation is the goal.

When I am en femme, I strive to be as feminine as possible in my appearance. 

Disclosure: there are no rules one must adhere to when it comes to what a girl is “supposed” to look like or what she is “allowed” to look like. Jawlines, hands, shoulders, height, voice… there is nothing about you that is the wrong size to be femme. 

But I think you know what I mean.

If a part of me has the potential to be less masculine when I dress, then I’ll fully embrace it. My rectangular frame can be a little more shapely with a corset. My bust can look and move more realistically with breast forms. My jawline can look a little less square with contouring.

I learn from other girls, whether they are cis or trans. I feel a mixture of inspiration, jealousy, and ambition when I see a beautiful girl. 

On a side note, I think jealousy sometimes gets misinterpreted. If I am jealous of another girl because of her wardrobe or her makeup or her physical features it doesn’t mean that I hate her or want something bad to happen to her. I am just jealous and envious of her.

It doesn’t take long for that jealousy to turn into inspiration. It doesn’t take long for that inspiration to turn into a goal.

I know a lot of t-girls and we are all on our journeys. I am blessed to have known so many friends for years and I have watched them as they find themselves and as they find peace. This peace can come from transitioning, from coming out, from accepting themselves, from embracing themselves.

Each step we take is worth celebrating, especially if that step is in a tight pencil skirt and stilettos. I am excited and sometimes jealous of t-girls when they embark on a new adventure whether that adventure is flying pretty or transitioning.

Yes, I am a little jealous when a girl transitions. But not for the reason you might think.

I have always maintained that transitioning is not the right step for me and I still feel that way. After decades upon decades of accepting and embracing who I am this has never wavered and I don’t expect it to.

I’ve always recognized that the small pang I feel when a girl announces they are transitioning is indeed jealousy but I couldn’t really put my finger on why I felt this way. Why did I feel that when I had and have no intention of transitioning? 

Well, I finally figured it out. This is what is usually called a lightbulb moment.

When my friends transition, they usually take some of the bravest steps of their lives including, but not limited to, coming out to everyone and making physical changes.

Before I dive further in, I want to acknowledge that transitioning is an enormous commitment and likely has incredibly emotionally and financially difficult aspects to it. There’s not a single aspect of transitioning that I can relate to. I don’t know the pain of laser hair removal. I don’t know the frustration of dealing with health insurance companies trying to get a procedure covered. I don’t know the heartbreak of being rejected by loved ones.

I am not intending to minimize the aspects of transitioning that are difficult. I certainly am not trying to diminish or simplify anyone’s journey as they embark on these changes. If I sound naive in my writings it is because I am.

When I talk about jealousy, it comes from a perspective that is less than complete. It’s normal to be envious of someone’s life, their success, but we usually don’t see the work, emotional or otherwise, that they put into it. We usually don’t see the effort it took for that person to earn the thing that we are jealous of.

And when we do see the work? Sometimes we realize that if that’s what it takes to achieve something, we change our minds and don’t feel the result is worth the effort.

I am not in my friends’ heels as they go through these changes. I see the result, but not the effort. I might see the more feminine jawline (if they took that step) but I didn’t experience the pain that the surgery took.

It’s likely I would look more feminine with HRT and certain procedures, but that would likely require transitioning which isn’t a direction that is right for me.

One more thing: not every transgirl transitions with the only goal to look more feminine. There are many reasons one takes these steps and often one reason is for their reflection to align with how they see themselves.

Looking in the mirror, Harry didn’t like what he saw
The cheeks of his mother, the eyes of his father
As each day crashed around him, the future stood revealed
He was turning into his parents
The final disappointment

Stepping out of the shower, Harry stared at himself
His hairline receding, the slight overbite
He picked up the razor to begin his shaving
And thought: “oh, I wish I was different.”

I wish I was stronger; I wish I was thinner
I wish I didn’t have this nose
These ears that stick out remind me of my father
And I don’t want to be reminded at all

-Lou Reed

Love, Hannah