Is this the Real Life? Is this Just Fantasy?

I write a lot about the duality that our lives can bring. How our femme lives and our masc lives can often be completely separate from each other with little to no overlap. It’s a strange moment when I am out en femme and I am exchanging emails with my boss or I am in a Zoom meeting but I am dress shopping on a different tab during it.

I can take that duality to a different level when it comes to Hannah’s life. I have the very visible and somewhat public part that this website and other things (such as the Help Me, Hannah! videos) brings. But I also have the more grounded aspect as well, such as my friends in the MN T-Girls.

I usually forget about the public aspect of myself when I am socializing with the other MN T-Girls. What I mean is that a girl in the group will ask a question about something happening in my life. For a moment I am a little confused about how they knew about that and then I remembered that I blogged about it and they read my website. I wore a really cute dress at a recent event and someone asked if the dress came from Venus. I was amazed that they guessed it but then they reminded me that I also blogged that as well.

To be honest, I completely forget about the more prolific aspects of Hannah’s life when the MN T-Girls are together and we’re having girl talk. I forget that my In Real Life friends might see what I write about and what I post.

I do feel a little self-conscious when I am reminded of my online life. Like maybe I overshare, maybe I come off as arrogant or bitchy. I feel, and sometimes hope, that who I am In Real Life is not the same girl as my website suggests. I get emails from time to time calling me shallow or arrogant or self-centered. I hope I don’t come off that way in real life. 

It’s more or less a running joke about how I am almost always the first girl to leave an event. I have a short social battery and events tend to take a lot of my energy. I feel easily overwhelmed and anxious in groups but I do okay one-on-one. I sometimes zone out or become easily distracted. One of the traits that lead to my autism diagnoses is that I am realllllly bad at reading social cues and how I just… walk about from a conversation because I think it’s over but it’s not. I suppose I come off as rude or a little spacey.

Honestly I am the last person on the planet that should be running a social group but it is what it is. 

I have become quite good at, or at least used to, compartmentalizing different aspects of my life. I keep different friend groups separate, and I keep HIS life and HER life very separate. I then separate Hannah’s In Real Life with her Social Media Life. And this is a good thing. I think if I wasn’t so easily humbled by so many aspects of my life (I am more insecure than I let on) I could easily let the number of followers I have inflate my ego. 

But who knows? It’s very possible that some of the members of the MN T-Girls consider me arrogant or bitchy. It’s very possible I have rubbed someone the wrong way. If that happened I am really sorry. 

If someone doesn’t like me In Real Life because I came off as rude then it bothers me. As mentioned earlier if I walk away from a conversation it’s because I honestly thought it was over. If someone sends me an email that is critical AND rude, I MAY respond publicly in rare occasions and sometimes my response is bitchy but this is not representative about how I would resolve something in real life. 

The reason is that In Real Life interactions are done between people. It’s much easier to be bitchy and cruel through a message or an email or on a website, especially if the message is written anonymously. We write things to other humans that we would never say to another human. I am guilty of this.

An overly critical (or unhinged) email kind of unlocks Bitchy Hannah but if someone were to say the same things to me In Real Life I would probably cry.

I think about criticism more than I should because I always wonder if it’s valid, even if the criticism could have been communicated in a little more constructive or gentle manner. 

This has been on my mind lately for two reasons. One reason is a recent email I received and you can read about that here. The other reason is I am getting close to catching up on posting pictures from my last few photo shoots. There’s a fair amount of lingerie pictures. 

Annnnnd I forget that people I know In Real Life might see these pictures. Obviously I am comfortable with my body (even if I am unsecure about it) and have no hesitation to share these photos on my website, but being reminded that people I know In Real Life see more of my skin than my doctor sees is a little… uncomfortable, you know? 

There’s also the fear that my friends think I am delusional about how I see myself. I am not a model, I do not have a lingerie model’s body. I am almost fifty, I am tired, and my tummy isn’t tight. I am no illusions about myself.

I do what I do because, well, it’s fun. It’s empowering. If you don’t believe me, then you might want to book a boudoir shoot. Seriously. It’s one of the most affirming and beautiful and powerful things I have ever done, but it took a little time to ease into the mindset that these type of shoots require. 

Ultimately it’s a good thing that I forget that people I know In Real Life have the potential to see these type of photos. It would be awwwwkward to realize that the girls I am chatting with potentially saw these revealing pictures. 

At any rate, I have been thinking about this over the last few weeks as I have been catching up on posting picture for last year’s shoots. I rarely think about what I post, either pictures or something I wrote, after I post it. Once it’s published, it’s out of my head and I start thinking of what the next post will be. I am quite good when it comes to moving on. 

That being said, here is the second to last post from November’s photo shoot. I am doing my best to rock two different lingerie sets, both from Allure. 

I hope you like these pictures! And if you know me In Real Life, let’s never speak of them, lol.

Love, Hannah