I was writing away recently and instead of typing “male mode” I typed “male mood”.
Is that a thing? And I kinda think it is.
And I kinda think it sucks.
I identify as transgender and my personal definition of that is rather broad. My personal opinion is that many of us could identify as transgender (under my perspective and opinion of the word) and many of us could probably find a term UNDER the transgender umbrella (if you will) that might be a little more specific .
For example! I feel that bi-gender is a more accurate way for me to identity. Part of my life is masculine presenting and everything that he has, and the rest is Hannah’s.
Because of this duality, I sometimes mentally drift back and forth between, well, modes.
What I mean is that I’ll be in a meeting at work and I know I should be concerned about our organization not projecting to meet the financial goals of the upcoming second quarter, but I might be thinking about the shoes I ordered and if they will arrive in time for the weekend.
Another example is planning a business trip and every detail I have to consider I instead fantasize about Hannah traveling.
It’s not quite The Pink Fog, more like daydreaming, I suppose.
When Hannah is out doing whatever she does, his life kind of takes a backseat. Instead of thinking about the financial goals of the upcoming second quarter, I almost forget that he has a job.
I like that.
I think about work too much, I work too much, so when I am living in the moment so much to the point that a major element of his life more or less fades away, honestly it’s kind of like a vacation.
And everything is great but BAM! Male mood can pop in out of nowhere.
Sometimes it’s an email from my boss that shakes me back to his life. Sometimes it’s a reflection.
If it’s an email about something, well, pressing, then I can’t help myself thinking that I should hop onto my laptop and do what I can. I begin to feel guilty about taking some time for myself. And yes, that’s probably something I should deal with therapy. I’ve gotten better about boundaries but I’m not quite there yet.
But if it’s a reflection? God, that’s the worst.
This weekend I am going out for most of Saturday and my normal makeup artist is out of town. So, I booked a makeup appointment at Ulta. Ulta does fine work, their artists are skilled and friendly, and I’ve always felt welcome there.
The only thing I don’t like is, well, watching my makeover.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing to see these artists work their magic with foundation and brushes, but I am watching this in the mirror the entire time.
When I see my normal artist, I lay down and keep my eyes closed for most of it. It’s easier for her to blend my foundation and everything else she does if my eyes are shut and I am horizontal. At Ulta I am in a chair staring at a mirror.
And I can’t help but look at him the entire time. I sit in the chair and see his face, framed by Hannah’s hair. I get discouraged about how he looks and I wonder if I am delusion about his face looking at least a little cute. This negative and pessimistic feeling is hard to shake off but as the artist helps Hannah appear this feeling fades away.
But that male mood lingers.
I love his life, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t like seeing his face when I am en femme, lol. I get hard on myself, and sometimes downright cruel. Who do I think I am? Why on earth do I think HE can be pretty? Go back to work and quit pretending.
I hate it.
What helps when I feel this? Sometimes changing outfits. Sometimes I am just not feeling the dress I picked out. Sometimes I change into something that I feel emphasizes and brings attention to a more femme part of my body, such as my legs. Shallow? Probably.
Sometimes I just shake it off. Sometimes I remind myself that there are no standards one must meet to be pretty. There are many beautiful women that have the same facial shape that I do.
Does this happen to anyone else? If so, how do you handle it?
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
I experience the same thing. I will be enjoying life as Crystal, then get a phone call from my boss with a last minute task he needs me to take care of. It snaps me out of my current mode.and into male mode.
And I HATE it!
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Hello Hannah, what you just wrote is something I could have said about my life. I wake up in the morning feeling like I am a sensuous woman totally femme, and then something comes up in my house or car that needs to be worked on and bam I’m back to male mode and doubting as to who I really am. It’s so frustrating sometimes.
Keep up the great writing and let me know when the next girl get-together is.
Thanks
Morgan
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Sounds like you feel like two people, which makes sense, since we have these feelings that are masculine and feminine at different times. As a cross dresser, I never really though of myself as transgender, but it would be cool to be able to literally change back and forth as wanted. I also realize, from reading your blog, that I have gender dysphoria, which I never considered having before. Your writings have taught me to re-evaluate myself.
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I feel like there are two of us fighting for the same body and when she is in control she does things to make it more difficult for him to come back. Like shaving all body hair and trimming eyebrows, very difficult for him to conceal. Laying out in the sun in her swimsuit and creating feminine tan lines. One night she cut up all his underwear, leaving him only hers to wear. Kind of a reverse purge. If not for his job she would control his day entirely. He has become a nuisance to her.
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Feelings of doubt are second nature to me. Perhaps, it’s an integral part of consciousness for someone who lives a bi-gender existence. I don’t suppose a day goes by without a moment when I feel like an imposter or a twinge of despair at the shape of my face.
Usually, it’s just a moment. If the feeling endures, I just don’t get made up and dressed on that particular day. Within the next day or two, I find myself eager to return to my girl self.
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As always Hannah, an engaging and thought provoking post.
Being a closeted crossdresser, unless she is home alone and undisturbed for a while, Fiona is always hidden beneath the male exterior, body lingerie clad and feeling very happy and contented.
At work, the presenting male persona is obviously. Rooted to my desk most of the time, I am acutely aware of being cossetted by the lingerie around my body and hosiery around my legs, suspender straps particularly tangible but all hidden under casual office attire. Fiona does like to be up and about though and revels in strutting around the office when opportunity arises.
I also associate with feelings of gender dysphoria, hair growth finally diminishing via regular body wax appointments, but if, at those appointments, it is determined that some parts are not yet ready for waxing, I can be left in a state of before and after which doesn’t help how I feel about myself.
When dressing in my lingerie, I don’t tend to make eye contact with myself and tend to focus on the parts of my body I’m most happy with whilst always striving to have better and smoother skin for longer. It is an almost constant battle.
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good morning girls – here is kind of related item I wanted to share one of the most thrilling parts of the make-over process for me
I prefer not to see the makeover process and the hair styling because when the artist spins me around in the chair and I see both of those together, I almost faint.
this truly is not atone time phenomena, each and every time it is like that for me, i get woozy with the realization that i can be a girl.
lotsa love to all
bri
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