Painted into a Corner

I’ve written before about how presenting as male does not feel wrong for me. I don’t feel I am betraying myself and suppressing my femme identity when I am in boy clothes. It’s just a different aspect of myself.

This is the main reason I don’t feel that transitioning is right for me. Yes, I am secure and at peace and in love with my femme life, my femme clothes, my femme identity, but for me, I don’t think those are reasons enough for me to make such a drastic change. I think I would need to feel… uncomfortable, or unhappy, or just feel wrong when I’m in boy mode as a sign that I should transition. 

Because of this complete comfort and peace I feel in either gender presentation, I don’t feel that either is what is commonly referred to as “my true self” or “authentic self”.

Both are. Neither are. 

I think “my true self” is more… hm, fluid. It’s… not just a snapshot of myself as one gender presentation, it’s more of… a video, if that makes sense.

It probably doesn’t so let’s dive into that.

If I look at a photo of Hannah, I don’t see her as my true self.

Same as when I look at a photo of him.

It’s not even a photo of myself in male mode wearing tradition femme clothes, such as a cardigan or leggings. 50/50 mode isn’t my true self.

Capturing my true self, if it needed to be captured, would need to need to show a transition of going back and forth. 

People are complex. One photo, one sentence, is usually not sufficient enough to get an idea as to who somebody is.

Capturing my authentic self would be a video of waking up in male mode, wearing a nightgown, having coffee wearing leggings, then putting on my corset and wig and dress, going to get my makeup done, spending the day en femme, coming home, washing off allllll my eyeliner, changing into boy clothes, having dinner with my wife, and then slipping back into a nightgown.

None of these moments are my one true self. 

I feel I am always authentic as I am wearing what I feel comfortable in. I mean, isn’t that what we want? 

Of course, being comfortable is more than just what we wear. When I have to go into my office I wear slacks (hate that word) and a tucked-in dress shirt. If I have to be somewhere in male mode would I rather wear a cardigan and leggings? Sure. Are those items more physically comfortable than trousers (hate that word, too) and a tucked-in dress shirt? Absolutely. Would I have to (or feel I have to) explain to countless people why I am wearing a cardigan and leggings? Probably. Do I want to do that? No. 

So, I opt for masculine clothing when I am presenting as masculine. I am not being inauthentic. I am still underdressing. I will leave the office and likely change into a cardigan and leggings. 

Authentic does not have to mean living full time. It does not have to mean transitioning. It doesn’t have to mean one gender identity or presentation. I say this because other t-girls and crossdressers tell me that when they dress they are their authentic self. And that’s wonderful! I can totally relate. Just remember that in moments when you can’t wear what you want, or present as you wish, it doesn’t mean you are betraying yourself. Life has its moments when we can’t wear what wish. And yes, sometimes this causes a little anxiety or dysphoria or we get a little crabby. I get that. However, please don’t feel you are not your true self. I think we live our truths the moment we acknowledge this side of us. 

I don’t feel I HAVE to be wearing femme clothes to be myself. I mean, I almost always am, even if it’s a nightgown when I am asleep or panties in male mode. But on the rare occasions when I can’t even underdress, I don’t feel I am not who I am.

I like both of my gender identities. I like the the lives they both have. Both are satisfying and have wonderful people in them. I don’t feel I have to choose one gender presentation or gender identity for the rest of my life.

I do not, essentially, want to paint myself into a corner. What I mean is I would feel confined if I chose to live the rest of my life as one of my gender identities. I mean, I suppose I could… merge both of my lives into one but that would mean Hannah being a part of my the lives of the people in HIS life and although most people he knows would be accepting there are those that would absolutely oppose it and would make relationships difficult.

What I mean is that I am married. What impacts my life impacts my wife. A ruined relationship isn’t just going to affect me, it will affect her. And that’s not fair to my wife. So, because of this, but not only because of this, I am happy and content the way things are. 

One aspect of what society thinks of as feminine clothes that I love is the variety and versatility. I work with women who wear leggings and cardigans, and I work with women who wear pencil skirts and heels. 

Compare this to the men I work with. I work with men who wear polo shirts and khakis. I work with men who wear dress shirts and khakis. 

I got bored just typing that.

Hannah has her look, her style, if you will. I have clothes that are perfect for countless occasions although that doesn’t stop me from buying new clothes for an event. Despite the apparent self-indulgence and presumptive shallowness of them, photo shoots can be purposeful. They are scheduled when I am reviewing an outfit, but they are also scheduled when I just want to play dress up.

I want to make it clear that when I am en femme I am NOT playing dress up. I don’t think transwomen are playing dress up. What I mean is that I love trying on clothes and outfits during a photo shoot I would not wear in public. 

Sometimes I fear that my photo shoot outfits lead people to thinking that a more “extreme” outfit is representative to who I am. Sometimes I am even told that. A pink and frilly dress generates emails about me being a sissy. A latex outfit generates emails about me being a dominatrix. I am neither.

But I get it.

I post more pictures from photo shoots (which again, feature clothes that I probably won’t wear in public) than I do of outfits I wear when I am out doing more normal things such as this picture:

The reason I don’t post a lot of normal, everyday pictures is that I am terrible at selfies, I am terrible at taking photos in a mirror, and I feel a little diva-ish asking someone else to take a picture of me. 

These types of picture represent me, my look, my style. 

Of course, the more extreme outfits are also me, but they are more representative of the part of me that likes to wear amazing clothes in the safety of a studio. I don’t like drawing attention to myself any more than a six foot tall trans girl does and many of those types of outfits will draw even more attention.

I anticipate emails and comments when it comes to certain outfits. Sometimes during a shoot I think to myself that a particular outfit is going to anger some people and delight other people. 

So, why wear the outfit at all? I dress for myself and if I want to wear something I probably will. I don’t want to limit what I want because of the likelihood of some rando commenting about it. 

I don’t want to limit myself when it comes to my gender identity or my presentation. Life confines us enough as it is, and I like being able to express myself and have fun when I can.

I know not everyone likes every type of photo or look or outfit I post. I know many people have a preference, whether it’s a more everyday look or something a little more spicy. I suppose it’s not too different than liking a band but preferring some songs over others. 

This has been on my mind over the last three weeks or so as I have been getting caught up posting pictures from the last few photo shoots. These pictures have generated a lot of emails, both complimentary and expressing disappointment in an outfit choice.

I don’t like disappointing people, if I am being honest. One of my insecurities is that I feel I am always, or at least easily, disappointing someone.  

I strive for balance on my website. Lingerie pictures one day, a thoughtful post the next. Since no single photo or sentence can sufficiently summarize any one person, I hope my encompassing website, whether it’s a photo set or an Ask Hannah! post, expresses the multitudes that I feel I am. There are over 1,300 posts on this website, after all. One color does not represent a rainbow, if you will.

Love, Hannah