Vibes Were Off, Man

The first time someone said to me “the vibes are off, man” I knew what they meant. It’s when something is, well, off, and that energy more of less dominating whatever is happening. Like going to a birthday party and someone is in a really weird or negative mood and it just kind of spreads throughout the room

I had a photo shoot this past Saturday and, well, the vibes were off, man.

When I have a shoot I need to be mentally in the zone, if you will. What I mean is that I have to more or less let go feeling self-aware or self-conscious and stop thinking about the outside world and honestly the ridiculousness of what I’m doing.

Because photo shoots are ridiculous. I suppose it’s a little bit of imposter syndrome like who do I think I am? Supermodels and actors do photo shoots. I’m a girl with a laptop who will celebrate her fiftieth birthday next year. Why on earth do I think that for one moment anyone would want to see photos of me? Why on earth do I do these?

I suppose it’s because of vanity, in a way. And it’s because I’m alive.

But they are also fun. To be clear, they are fun because on photo shoot days I have my makeup done by the same artist I have been seeing for years. We talk, we catch up, it’s a nice way to spend 45 minutes.

Then I go to the studio and most of the shoots over the last nine months have been at Malone Portraits and I’ve become good friends with the studio owner in that time. We talk, we catch up, we discuss the shoot.

Then Shannonlee arrives and over the next few hours we take a lot of pictures, we talk, we laugh, we try different shots… I enjoy collaborating with passionate and smart and creative people and it’s fun to listen to what she wants to try and she’s always right.

And! I like wearing pretty clothes.

Photo shoots can be empowering, especially boudoir shoots. If you can silence certain parts of your mind for a little bit, you can slip into a feeling of peace and gratefulness and beauty.

And! Looking at the photos and realizing that the pretty girl in the picture is YOU is incredible.

Of course, ceasing to think about the real world and silencing parts of your mind are both easier said than done. I’ve worn certain outfits where after a few minutes I paused the shoot and changed out of them. Last year there was a bodysuit that, for whatever reason, was just… I don’t know. I wear a lot of different outfits for these shoots and some of them are closely associated with certain fetishes. It takes a moment to just have fun wearing a sissy dress or a latex dress and shaking off the common perception of kinkiness.

But that bodysuit? I don’t know.

My point in all of this is that the vibes were off, man. I couldn’t slip into the mindset that I wanted to this past Saturday. On the way to the shoot my car also decided that the vibes were off, man. It was acting strange like it wasn’t shifting as smoothly or whatever. I parked two blocks from the studio and the check engine light came on.

That small, orange, glowing light suddenly takes priority over everything else. It’s like the Eye of Sauron. Is this a simple issue? Is your car about to need thousands of dollars in repairs? Is your car going to need to be towed?

What should I do?

A therapist told me years ago to stop thinking in “what ifs”. What they meant was that I spend so much time and energy dreading scenarios that may never happen. But the thing is that even if the scenario does happen, chances are good that you will survive it. I mean, I’ve survived everything else so my track record is pretty strong.

Instead, shift your thinking from “what will I do IF ____________ happens” to “what will I do WHEN ____________ happens”.

Car repairs are inevitable. Well, if you own a car, I suppose. And! When you strut around en femme it’s likely that car will decide it needs attention when you’re rocking a pencil skirt and stilettos.

I used to be terrified of something happening when I am en femme, such as this very thing. But once I started to think what I would do WHEN it happened I started to calm myself. I like being prepared and I realized that although car problems are likely going to happen and it’s possible that Hannah will have to deal with them it’s not the end of the world.

Not ideal by any means, but problems do not happen when they are convenient to the affected.

So, I parked my car and thought about the situation.

My car WAS running. It COULD start. Just because it wasn’t running smoothly it didn’t necessarily mean it was going to explode any second. It’s possible that it’s a minor issue and that it might make it to the repair shop.

Of course optimism is a good thing but it’s important to also plan for the worse.

I called my insurance company because we have roadside assistance. Maybe I would just have my car towed now and then take an Uber home after the shoot. This was a good plan. I’ve Ubered before en femme without a problem.

BUT my insurance company told me that no, we don’t have roadside service. I was confused because I know I am paying for something, lol.

I almost called my wife to find out who our service was through but she was visiting a loved one in the hospital (they’re fine now) and I didn’t want to add more stress and worry to her day.

My plan, if you could call it that, is to hope for the best.

After the shoot I would say a prayer, cross my fingers, and hope that my Kia would make the eighteen miles to my mechanic.

Hope is a failed strategy, someone pointed out to me once.

And I can’t really disagree.

But if my car did die, I would call for a tow and Uber where I needed to go. Not ideal and I didn’t like the idea of standing on the side of the highway in the outfit pictured below watching a tow truck driver haul my car away, but what else could I do?

Should I have cancelled the shoot? Sure. BUT these shoots aren’t simply just me being vain. A cancelled shoot means less money for Shannonlee and for my friend who owns the studio. We also needed to reshoot a scene for the Help Me, Hannah! series for En Femme. Essentially there was a lot of people counting on me. I didn’t want to let anyone down.

And besides, if my car was going to die it probably wouldn’t make much difference if I let it sit in the parking lot for a couple of hours. If I did the shoot at least I could make sure my friends got paid, lol.

Over the next several hours I changed clothes a lot, we reshot the video, and I tried hard not to think about, well, you know. It’s hard to shake off a feeling of dread or fear.

I did my best to not think about things and for a few minutes at time it worked but for the most part it was like storm clouds hanging over a picnic.

I was distracted and it wasn’t always easy to get into the mindset that I wanted to have. How I feel is easily seen in my body language and facial expressions. My wife can read me like a book.

The shoot ended and I went back to my car. It started! So, I had that going for me. It made it to the freeway! So far, so good. I was white knuckling it the whole time.

But I made it. Thank God.

I slipped my car keys into the afterhours drop box and my wife picked me up a few minutes later. I was soon home.

My wife let me know that we DO have roadside service but it’s not through our insurance, it’s through another company. I should have been better prepared but now I know for next time.

I’m just grateful things worked out the way they did in a less than ideal situation. I am terrified at what the repairs are going to cost but I am grateful we have a good mechanic, I am grateful we have two cars, I am grateful that I am safe.

Love, Hannah