There Is a Light That Never Goes Out

The other day I wrote about my check engine light coming on.

And yes, this is still a website about, well, whatever this website is about. It hasn’t changed to a blog focusing on automotive repairs.

Essentially the post was about how it’s important we are prepared for the inevitable and if we experience the world en femme we need to consider our gender presentation when the inevitable happens. Not only was I consumed by the possibility of my car dying on the side of the road, I was also thinking about experiencing all of this in stilettos. I have no fear of interacting with the world at large en femme, but it wasn’t something I necessarily wanted to do.

But my vehicle made it to the mechanic and I made it home. $922 later my Kia is back in action.

I received a few emails from girls sharing their own experiences with car troubles while en femme. It was a reminder that the inevitable will happen and it will pass. We have all survived every single thing that has happened to us so far. Life will happen regardless of our outfit.

One email in particular stood out to me. She also mentioned her check engine light coming on before her day out. I thought about that and for a moment I wondered if that light was a metaphor or not.

What I mean is that you can have an entire day planned out, or getting ready to go on vacation, and that little light, or something similar happens, and all of a sudden your plans go out the window.

But sometimes that light isn’t a real thing. Sometimes a check engine light is an allegory. There is no real light, but it can be a thought, a fear, an emotion that finds it’s way into your heart or mind and it gives you pause.

This has happened to me. The first time I went out en femme I was obviously very nervous. I had selected my dress, I did my makeup as well as I could, and I was about as ready as I could be. I drove to a bar/nightclub thing, hands trembling, knees knocking.

I parked. And then the check engine light came on. Not the one on my dashboard, but the one in my head. It was a thought, a fear, that something would go wrong. What if I ran into someone I know? What if I am harassed? What if I am attacked? What if what if what if what if

But I held my head high and high heeled my way inside.

I did this despite my internal check engine light blinking erratically like a strobe light.

The What Ifs hold us back. But when we consider what we will do WHEN something happens instead of dwelling on the IFS something will happen, we will likely come up with a solution and our fears will likely subside.

But it still sucks.

I am sure many of us have spent weeks thinking about doing something en femme. Whether it’s our first time out or something like flying pretty, we dream about the adventure. Everything is going beautifully and then out of nowhere, a fear creeps in. Our car keys are in our purse, we listen to our heels click as we walk to the garage…

And then an emotion which has been quietly building but has now become so loud that it’s impossible to ignore. Or it hits us like a freight train. Doubt, fear, dysphoria…

Our internal check engine light glows. Something is telling us that our plans for the day should change.

Sometimes we listen. We turn around, walk towards our bathroom and sadly wash off our carefully applied makeup. The perfect outfit goes back into the closet to wait for another day. Our spirits sink, our heart breaks

Sometimes we don’t listen. And we’re glad we didn’t.

What do you do when this happens? How do you overcome that voice in your head that says to stay home?

Love, Hannah