Ask Hannah!

When I was younger I would borrow my mom’s clothes and makeup . When I was older I bought my own clothes but always ended up purging but would soon buy more. I was wondering why I keep doing this. Am I afraid? I’m wondering if you had any insight on the matter.

This cycle is all too familiar for almost every person reading this website.

I won’t pretend to speak for you and I don’t want to be presumptuous. I can only offer my perspective based on my experiences and thoughts.

The simpler answer is first: We continue to purchase “girl clothes” because we love “girl clothes”. It’s not unlike going to our favorite restaurants every week or rereading a beloved book. There are a myriad of reasons why we love what we love and there’s (usually) nothing wrong with what we love. I can’t say why you love what you love. Perhaps panties turn you on, perhaps a nightgown feels, well, right. Perhaps a dress represents your (or perhaps one of your) gender identities.

But why do you purge? Why do any of us purge? Again, it’s likely a myriad of reasons. To your point, yes, it’s possible one of the reasons is that you are afraid. I’m not exactly sure what you are afraid of. Perhaps you are afraid of what all of this means. Some of us are afraid that the happiness, the peace, that certain clothes bring us may mean that we have a gender identity that we haven’t fully acknowledged or accepted. We might be afraid that we are in denial about who we are.

If we allow ourselves to accept (and hopefully eventually embrace) who we are, it might mean that we may make changes in our lives. I think oftentimes these changes seem overwhelming or consequential.

I think it’s important (and rewarding) to live an authentic life. To be true to yourself. Being true to yourself is different from person to person, especially when it comes to someone who is gender nonconforming. This might mean that transitioning is right for you, but it doesn’t always mean that. It’s not right for me. This, like almost anything, is something that only you (with perhaps with the help of a therapist) can determine.

Any life change will likely bring, well, changes. Ripples in the water, if you will. If we accept who we are, it might mean coming out to others. We may come out as a transgender woman, or as a crossdresser, or as nonbinary… we may not even know. We may even change how we identity over time.

Coming out to someone, as we all know, is risky. They may love us, they may hate us. It may not change anything, it may cause someone to never speak to us again. No one wants to be hated, none of us want our gender identity or our wardrobe to be the reason a family member or a lifelong friend ends a relationship. So yes, I think fear is one of the reasons we purge.

When I purged it was a combination of fear and guilt and denial. I was afraid of someone finding my panties. I was (and am) aware of the stigma that crossdressing has. I was aware that what I wore would be minimized as a fetish in the eyes of someone (not that there’s anything with a crossdressing fetish).

It took me a long time to stop denying who I am. I denied that this side of me was woven into me and wouldn’t ever leave. The ironic thing is that I never WANTED this side of me to disappear, but I was tired of living with the fear of being caught and the potential fallout from that. I always thought I could stop wearing what I wore and what I wanted to wear and I naively thought that if I didn’t own panties I would stop wearing them. I just wouldn’t buy any new panties… and we all know how THAT worked out.

Finally, guilt is a common reason we purge. We may feel guilty because boys are raised being told that pink is for girls and that boys don’t cry and that beauty is for girls and strength is for boys. Arbitrary and nonsensical gender roles and stereotypes that are useless. We may feel guilty because of religious reasons. We may feel guilty because we are keeping this hidden from our spouse. We feel guilty because our spouse found the panties we were hiding from her and we promised we would never wear girl clothes ever again… but we know how that usually turns out.

So, why do you purge? I don’t know but it might be one or all of these reasons. I hope you find peace with this side of yourself and accept that there’s nothing wrong with this beautiful part of your soul.

Love, Hannah

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