Ask Hannah!

Hi Hannah, firstly I love your look. I want to ask for your perspective on an issue that has recently come up, so here’s some context. I have been married for 20 years, I have always known about my husband’s crossdressing, and in recent years he has become more open and honest but usually only when I ask. I know he wants to take it further but is still shy. I feel loved and secure in almost every way. Here’s the but… I have recently begun to feel sexually irrelevant. It’s as though when he is dressed he wants me to admire or satisfy him or he is happy to satisfy himself, either way my needs, desires, or participation are not necessary. I feel redundant. I don’t want to make him feel that there is anything wrong in his exploration of this side of himself because I actually like that side of him too. As he has become more open with me about it, it seems like permission granted, I guess I am struggling to see where I fit in all this.

What you are experiencing in the bedroom is all too common when it comes to intimacy with a crossdresser. Your feelings are valid, and his behavior (which he is likely unaware of) has nothing to do with you.

What I mean is that some partners feel they are not pretty enough, or not feminine enough for their partner. But that’s not likely the case. I don’t think any crossdresser wears lingerie (or anything else) to fill a femininity void. What we wear is not a response to what our partner doesn’t wear, if that makes sense.

In fact, your femininity and beauty is likely the reasons your husband fell in love with you. Your style, your fashion sense, your clothes… these are things many of us notice and are drawn to and appreciate and love.

You are obviously making your husband feel safe and secure and free to be vulnerable enough to share this side of him, even if there are aspects that he is not as forthcoming to share with you as he should be. I know that accepting and possibly encouraging this side of him probably wasn’t always (if it ever was) easy.

When it comes to intimacy, it’s not unheard of our partners to wonder if we are having sexy time just for an excuse/reason to wear lingerie. Almost as if the sex itself is a secondary priority. And to be fair, for some crossdressers it is, but not always. It’s very possible your husband isn’t aware that he is coming off as self-absorbed or neglecting your needs. It could be as simple as him needing a reminder, such as saying to him “pay attention to me“.

Sex, for all it’s physical characteristics, is really about communication, and those are not easy topics to discuss, let alone communication about sex, but it’s something that needs to happen, and it’s a conversation that should be had both in and out of the bedroom.

You may also consider telling your husband that although you support his wardrobe preferences, maybe sometimes he can leave the negligee in his closet.

It’s also not uncommon for us to, well, stop talking about this side of us. You mentioned that he wants to take things further, but this can mean a lot of different things to different people. It’s a good sign, in my opinion, that he continues to be open and honest with you. Too often we go the other way. It’s possible he is trying to figure out what he feels is right when it comes to taking things further. Is he thinking of expanding his wardrobe? Is he thinking about feminine presentation and wondering if makeup/hair is right for him? Is he wondering if all of *this* is more than just about clothes?

In our little world there are a lot of labels and terms and it’s normal for us to wonder what word is right for us, and it’s normal for us to identity in different ways throughout our lives.

Like so many situations when it comes to this side of someone, I feel that he might benefit from meeting with a therapist. Not necessarily so he can figure out who he is or what he wants when it comes to gender identity, but so he can develop the communication skills to talk about this side of him. Therapy can also be beneficial to help someone see how their actions (such as during intimate moments) can impact others in their lives. He might be shocked and embarrassed and ashamed to learn that his actions, although not intentional, are causing you to feel, in your words, redundant and sexually irrelevant.

About fifteen years ago, as my marriage and awakening gender identity overlapped, I was often crushed by how my actions and behavior caused my wife to feel. I was very self-absorbed, very focused on myself, and very much lost in the Pink Fog. She likely shared her feelings at the time, but again, I wasn’t very attentive and I didn’t recognize what I was doing. I may have her heard her, but that doesn’t mean I listened. Now that those years and those parts of my journey are in the past, my wife shares those feelings from time to time. I am in a better place to really listen to how she felt and although it’s not her intention, I feel ashamed knowing that my actions made her feel alone and unimportant. It’s not always the crossdressing itself that causes problems, but oftentimes the behavior and actions that are associated with it.

I hope this is helpful.

Love, Hannah

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