Coming Out, part two

Good morning!

I’ve written another article for The Breast Form Store!

This is the second part (obviously, lol) of a tiny little trilogy focusing on coming out. The first focused on relationships with our significant others, and this one is focusing on our friends. Coming out, in my opinion and in my experience, is done differently each time we do so. We have to consider the relationship we have with the person, as well as who the person is.

Besides being gentle and patient and honest, there’s really no right way to have The Talk. But I do find that conversations about, well, anything, even gender identity, tend to create a little more understanding when we talk about the subject in relatable language.

For example!

One of the best analogies I’ve heard about gender identity is about your dominant hand. For example, I am right-handed. Have I ever tried using my left hand to write? Sure. Did it feel, well, right? No. So, I am right-handed.

Gender identity can kind of be like that. Sure, I can use your left hand but it feels off. It doesn’t feel natural. Yes, I may have a penis but identifying strictly and only and always as male feels off.

This article talks about, well, not coming out to two of my closest friends. I’ve gone back and forth for years about whether or not I should. Coming out to my wife was always the right thing to do as we were planning on spending our lives together, but I don’t feel that same obligation when it comes to almost anyone else in my life. Hence, I haven’t come out to them, or most people.

But I feel guilty about it, from time to time. As time passes, I find it’s becoming more and more unlikely I will do so. The pangs of guilt are lessening, and the benefits, so to speak, probably aren’t as likely as I imagined they would be.

What I mean is that when I came out to my sisters, I had hoped we would, well, be sisters. The daydream of going for coffee was always there. I wanted to do things, as Hannah, with them.

But that hasn’t happened. Not really.

Coming out to the two friends I have in mind doesn’t really have that little perk, so to speak. I honestly can’t see them hanging out with Hannah. Don’t get me wrong, they are kind, decent, gentlemen, but I just can’t visualize the three of us having lunch together. I feel strongly they would be accepting, but coming out always poses a risk.

If anyone tells me anything, I tell my wife. I don’t like keeping things from her and if someone tells me something I probably will have a lot of thoughts about it. I like talking with my wife because she’s smart and her perspective is one I don’t immediately have. She approaches everything with empathy and I honestly need that.

Because of this, I assume that when I come out to someone, they will very likely tell their significant other, even if I ask them not to. And that’s okay. I understand. I relate. I tell my wife everything, too.

I like to, hm, control the narrative, if you will, about my gender identity. If someone has questions I hope they ask me directly, as opposed to them making their own assumptions or conclusions. If I told a friend, they will likely tell their partner. But! I can’t always be sure that my friend will be able to, well, communicate the key things about my gender identity as effectively as I can.

No shade towards my friends, but I have been thinking and overthinking about this side of me for decades, lol.

It’s possible their partners just might not get it. And that’s okay, it’s a weird concept to get. It’s even more likely they will completely misunderstand. And that’s okay, too.

If that misunderstanding is there, I would hope they themselves would come to me. But I can’t count on it. Although I feel my friends’ spouses would be accepting, there’s always the chance they may not be. And honestly I don’t know what they may choose to do with this revelation. I love my friends and I love their spouses, but one of them has, well, a history of stirring up trouble and spreading gossip when she feels bored or if there’s not enough drama in her life.

She’s gotten better but goodness it’s not easy to forget the past and she has a hard time breaking her old habits.

Another element of coming out, for me anyway, is Hannah’s whole frikkin life. It’s one thing when someone has a side of them that they haven’t shown to you, but when that side of them involves doing a webseries, modeling, and founding a transgender social/support group? That’s also a lot to take in. I am not saying Hannah is a celebrity, she’s just very busy doing things that the people I know in my male presenting life would never even guess are part of my world.

This series is in no way meant to be a definitive guide to coming out, but rather meant to discuss the things to consider when/if we have The Talk.

Love, Hannah