Noises closing in from all sides
Warning all the ways to die
They say “you’d better give up
You’d better give up”
I say “I’ll never give up, I’ll never give up”
I’ll be an army, no you’re
Not gonna stop me gettin’ through, ooh
I’ll sing a marching song and
Stomp through the halls louder than you, ooh
I could surrender but I’d
Just be pretending, no I’d
Rather be dead than live a lie
Burn the white flag
Regardless of how you felt after the election, you likely know that there will be a lot of changes in the United States in January. Perhaps your heart is filled with joy at the thought of these changes, perhaps your heart is broken.
Some of us wanted these changes, some of us fought against them. Some have considered certain changes acceptable if it means other agendas will be set in motion.
Emotions, including fear, are heightened and fueled by what happened the first time around, as well as compounded by what is promised for the future.
As a non-binary person, I do not feel that anything will be improved when it comes to living as my authentic self and for others like myself.
There’s a lot of fear I am feeling at the moment, and much of the fear is enhanced by simply not knowing how bad things can get for people like ourselves, regardless of where we are on the spectrum or our journey.
Given this fear, and others, I admit I have considered shutting down my virtual presence.
But I won’t.
The main reason, I suppose, is that I wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation of restarting. I have too much of an ego, if I am being honest, to keep my mouth shut and to keep my photos to myself.
I also know that many decisions spawned from intense feelings or as a reaction to something are rarely the right choice for myself. I may think or feel or want something as soon as anything happens, but once I take a little time to process, I am usually better at thinking about things from a long term perspective as well as a little more rationally.
I am also prone to letting my mindset influence my decisions. Whether it’s being caught up in The Pink Fog, or being overly tired, or during the days before I became sober.
These days I tend to decide something very very quickly… but then I give myself a little time before I DO anything. I find that I follow through on my initial decision very rarely when I have time to let the dust, or glitter, settle.
I suppose that is very mature of me, haha.
Another sign of maturity is not being critical of others when they make decisions that they feel are best for themselves, particularly when it’s a decision I myself have considered.
Last week, Stana, who has run her website, Femulate, since 2007, announced her site is going dark. From her post:
The goal of this blog is to encourage male-to-female crossdressers to get out of the closet and experience the world as females. I believe that the blog has been very successful in that regard.
Lately, it has become more dangerous to go out and about en femme due to the open transphobia encouraged by the republican party. Tuesday’s election will just embolden the haters; they will feel that they now have free rein to attack us and it will no longer be safe to go out en femme anywhere.
So I am loath to encourage anyone to go out and about en femme. It was fun while it lasted, but now it is scary and I don’t want anyone to get hurt. And since the goal of this blog is something I no longer advocate, I plan to shut it down.
It’s difficult to overstate Stana’s impact on the non-binary community. She is one of the most influential and beloved representatives of people like ourselves and her encouragement and positivity has always been a welcome thing to see on this horrible thing that we call the internet.
You can almost hear her heart break with each word she wrote.
Despite everything I am feeling and fearing, I do think that we will need positivity, friendship, and leadership more than ever. Losing Stana would be a blow.
But I did not fault her. We all have our limits and I cannot criticize her for wanting to do something I seriously considered doing myself.
Even in her farewell post, she was true to her cause. She celebrated people like ourselves going out into the world as our true selves, but she recognized that this may not be as safe as it once was. As someone who organizes events for the MN T-Girls, which also has a very similar mission, I admit I also have considered disbanding the group. I do not want anyone to get hurt and I do feel that this risk will grow.
But once I read her farewell post, my heart boomeranged back and I thought to myself that I am not surrendering. And yes, surrendering sounds a little dramatic but I am ALL about drama.
Regardless of what changes happen, or proposed, we are still going to be who we are. There will always be others like ourselves who will soon begin to be their true selves. Although any laws passed in the next four years (at least) will doublessly make our lives more challenging and discouraging, we are still going to exist.
And we will need each other more than ever.
Like Stana, I also have a goal. That goal is helping others live in this world. Living in this world requires vigilance and self love and self acceptance. It requires confidence and encouragement. Despite whatever will happen next, we will still need each other and guidance.
I can still offer these, to the best of my ability. We can look out for each other and maintain our community and help each other survive.
We are nothing if not versatile. We are nothing if not brave even if we tremble and our voice shakes. We are used to a difficult existence. We are built for this.
We are conditioned to live in a world where some fight against us.
We need each other more than ever, and thankfully Stana has reversed her decision. She is back to keep encouraging us and I am grateful for her leadership. As I mentioned earlier, you could feel her heart break as she wrote her post, but some broken hearts can heal and beat stronger than before.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
I just discovered that Stana had returned, after a brief hiatus, to resume the fight for visibility and tolerance. And thank you for your continuing contribution to the effort.
I find hope in your resolve!
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My hart and soul are crying when I think over your words and how it must be in the land of the free.
Now there will be always sunlight after the rain and no politics stays forever.
Annaliz from somewhere in Europe.
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Very well written, Hannah!
I believe giving up isn’t the right thing to do because, frankly, that’s what they want. But I also understand that others don’t have the same privileges as I do (such as living in a state that will fight anti-trans laws tooth and nail), so I can’t judge.
Personally, my plan is to double down. I know that may come with danger, but life isn’t worth living for me if I have to hide my true self. Plus, as a professor, I don’t want to set an example to my students that the right thing to do in a time like this is compromise your truth.
I’m glad you’re staying around because losing you would be a big blow! The T-girl world is a better place because you are in it, Hannah! 💗
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Well put Alicia! There is still hope and similar to corporations that are ran by poor leadership, give it time and before you know it, more change and hopefully for the better. In the meantime, so important to stay the course.
Nadine 💜
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I remember when my mum was still around… when her health was failing and the family dynamics in the house were not great for all sorts of reasons.
One night, she woke up from the recliner chair she pretty much lived in (because it was the only place she felt comfortable) and gave me the most beautiful smile – and I was so churned and overwhelmed, the expression I gave back killed it.
It wasn’t the moment that defined our relationship, of course, and I share the memory simply because her smiles really did light up the room, and given how emotionally raw I was, killing such a special one felt unpardonable at the time. Because I knew on so many levels what that smile meant.
In the recent photoshoot post, just like on the profile picture that goes with your posts, you have such a joyful smile. That alone should be full testament to who you are and who you need to be.
Maybe exhorting others not to be smile killers seems a little naive, but having come through all manner of difficult, tangled situations, it seems to me that, nine times out of ten, an expression of simple kindness and understanding was the one lifeline I most craved.
And sometimes, fighting my way back to that in a world of angry, harsh, insensitive rhetoric feels like the most precious thing to fight for.
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Great commentary, Hannah. Thank you. The road ahead for us, is like walking on a well manicured lawn, in our favorite heels. If we lean against each other, we can get across safely. Keep the faith.
Mike
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I love Joseph and always liked that song. Now, its my anthem!!
Lauren
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I greatly appreciate you sharing these thoughts with everyone Hannah. I know there is and always has been a lot of hate out there. Not just against the LGBTQ community, but against many. Living in a world where we can’t civilly disagree and wind up hating others continues to be so disappointing and is rapidly corroding the fabric of our society.
With that said, I personally don’t believe that hate towards our community is necessarily going to increase. Unfortunately, Trumps campaign decided to select the Transgender community as a scapegoat to rally knuckleheads to vote for him. Time will tell whether that was really effective. Hurtful, indeed! My gut tells me that the support he gained was driven less by that lame attempt to get more votes and that people voted because there are other areas of concern where people want to see change. Regardless of compromising ones principles by voting for someone with so much hate in their heart in hopes that some good might come out of, during his prior presidency, his administration truly didn’t yield any significant changes or results that improved our country. Very saddening that the scales have been tipped so heavily that there really aren’t the checks and balances that government is supposed to have which I agree is scary.
I have also considered abandoning social media as well, but it goes against my principles. Many throughout history have endured worse and I will not react out of fear. I still have faith no matter what the rest of the World is doing. In the meantime, we need to pull closer together to support one another. It is always darkest before the dawn and love will always prevail.
Nadine 💜
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TGirls in the USA need to do what they can to stay safe. Some will disappear and some will fight harder. I am glad to hear of your and Stana’s decisions and the motivation behind them, which seem right for the time being. We carry on being fabulous and defying the violent, the bullies and those driven by hate.
As it is, the trans community is mostly invisible because the overwhelming majority of trans people are too nervous to live their authentic lives fully. The community will still exist as it has always done and even under the worst regimes it continues under the radar. It’s odd that a weakness can also be a strength in uncertainty.
I’ve followed this blog from the start, and your previous one, and it’s a beacon of what trans people can do if they are motivated and supported. I hope it will continue for ever.
Best wishes and look after yourself
Sue x
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I’ve so many thoughts but I say this, yes I’m somewhat conservative in my views but when it comes to the trans community I defiantly would be considered more moderate to liberal
I think we must remain visible don’t let fear send us to the shadows. We are people just like anyone who deserves respect
I think the biggest issue the right has with the trans community is the kids.
I think some things do go to far in that area, I’ve read and researched several things and I think we really need to just let kids be kids, stop putting them in a box and labeling them.
I knew I was different when I was 8 or so but I still wanted to be a kid.
Just because Johnny experiments with moms or sisters dresses just means he’s curious
But yes we must be out there be sensible and go to places that are safe try to stay away from the night scene unless you go with others
I think our fears can be our own worst enemy
I love all you ladies so be smart and careful but be you
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Thanks Hannah for building the mn t-girls into a visible group within our TC communities. A large part of success in the organizing is your creativity and dedication in finding things to do together, which helps build individual confidence and also reduces the likelihood of an individual lashing out at us. Thanks for what you and your sisters do.
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Hannah,
Your work has brought me out of the shadows of my life and embracing my identity as a t-girl. I need you in my life, just as so many of us girls do. You are right – there are many of us waiting to unfold our wings and put on our corsets and heels. Courage comes from community like the one you have created. Life brings risk – always – but we overcome it and the paralysis it brings through fellowship. I am eternally grateful. Seriously – you broke through 53 years of hiding me from myself! I love you and this community for that!
Love,
Chloe
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I am just so so sad.
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