Things You Should (Probably) Never Say to Your Partner

Hi!

I have been compiling a list of things that, well, the title of this post says it all.

Relationships and ___________________ are the topics I am asked the most about. The fill in the blank part of the previous sentence is however you identify, whether it’s as a crossdresser or non binary or transgender.

The emails I receive about this little subject come from people like us as well as their partners. At the risk of oversimplification, the emails can almost always be summarized in these two ways:

Emails from partners: “My partner doesn’t seem to be listening to my concerns and feelings”

Emails from us: “My partner doesn’t understand”

Both of these summaries are related to each other and the way forward is completely dependent on communication.

For our part, we tend to want (and possibly expect) our partners to understand us on their own. We want them to understand us without our help. We may not be putting in the effort in the way our partners need us to. And how do we know HOW to help? By listening, and then showing our partners that we HEARD them. That’s how understanding starts.

Of course, this is also a simplification. Just because your partner understands that this is who you are, and that this side of you makes you happy and you don’t want to stop being true to yourself, it doesn’t mean that they will accept this side of you and it’s smooth sailing going forward.

I feel it’s too much to ask our partners to understand WHY we are who we are. Afterall, I don’t understand WHY I am who I am, but both my wife and I understand that this is who I am and I can’t NOT be this person.

If our partners accept (although they may likely not be as enthusiastic as we are) this side of us, then two people will realize how this aspect of one’s wardrobe can impact the relationship.

It’s not unusual that there are growing pains or tension in the early days, and sometimes tip toeing around all of this is normal. It’s not unlike an elephant in the room.

Many of our partners feel a little insecure when they see our wardrobe. We likely have a LOT of cute, super femme clothes annnnnnd sometimes our partners wonder if they themselves are not feminine enough for us.

I understand this feeling, and I tell partners that this isn’t likely. In fact, their femininity was probably something that attracted their partner to them in the first place. We tend to appreciate femininity.

I was thinking about all of this as I was doing laundry the other day. I couldn’t help but notice the small pile of my panties as I was sorting out the clean clothes. It was a cute little pile of cute little panties… pink, satiny, lacy… essentially very stereotypically femme. Sometimes I get a little self concious when my wife and I do laundry together but she never flinches or radiates anything negative. Again, she doesn’t understand why I am, but she absolutely understands that super femme panties are my fave.

This inspired me to start compiling things to avoid saying to your female partner after you’ve had The Talk. If your partner is feeling insecure about their femininity or if they are slowly wading into this new world, you MAY want to avoid saying a few things and avoid comparing what is on your side of the closet with what is on her side.

I have more panties/shoes/dresses than you

Trust me, she knows

I wear cuter/sexier lingerie than you

Lingerie is about what makes the wearer feel sexy and it is different from person to person. Never suggest that what your partner wears to feel sexy isn’t sexy enough

Why don’t you wear _____________ more often?

What people wear is their choice. If your partner feels cute and cozy in yoga pants as opposed to a mini skirt, then let them wear what makes them feel cute. Perhaps mini skirts, or whatever, makes them feel a certain way that they don’t like.

I could probably go on, but I think you get the picture.

What else should be on this list?

Love, Hannah