Ask Hannah!

I’ve been quite involved with people in the trans community, and I have two sisters (I’m going to refer to them as that from here on out) on the verge of exploding. One who seems to have a really good coming out plan and strong support system, but just needs encouragement to pull the trigger, and another who is still quite closeted but is planning on making some very rash decisions because her gender dysphoria is torturing her, but hasn’t developed, nor seems to be considering a coming out plan. While I’m really proud of the first sister’s careful planning, I’m beginning to see her becoming antsy to just let it all out and I want to help her when that happens. As for the second sister, I’m really excited she is taking steps towards her transition, but I’m eager to caution her to start coming out to important loved ones as she begins to start making drastic (ie noticeable) changes.

At the end of the day, their (I know you hate this word) journey is THEIR journey, but I want to help them along as much as possible… In the first case, I’m scared her anxiety is stifling her progress while in the second case, I feel she may be running into her transition with reckless abandon on some pretty big steps.

Also, if you think the best answer is to just leave it be, I understand. I just see two amazing sisters, one who is on the verge of blossoming in amazing ways and another who is on the verge of blossoming in a way that knocks down everything important to her. I think both of them are amazing and I see such an awesome future for them. But how can I help? I’d love your thoughts (I have many of my own, but I’d love to hear yours and have what you think is shareable to be shareable).

I think it’s lovely that you care so much about their coming out and their journeys. From what you write, it sounds like your friends couldn’t be further apart in terms of where they are and what their plans are. But that’s not a bad thing, we all navigate our lives in different ways.

As we come out, or do anything in life, we will learn if HOW we did something was the best way to do it. If it was, then great! If it wasn’t, we will hopefully learn from that decision and will perhaps approach things in a different way next time.

Of course, some things cannot be undone, and if we come out in a reckless way, we have not only the whole coming out thing, but we also have to deal with HOW we did so.

I don’t know these two girls so I am afraid I cannot give specific advice, but even if I did know them, my advice would be very vague and would be along the lines of taking things slow and try to anticipate how others will react to their coming out.

What I mean is that when we come out, we do so because we NEED to and it’s because it’s the right decision for us. When we come out, we also hope for love and support from the people we come out to. But as we all know, there’s a good chance we may not get what we need from the most important and loved people in our lives. As pessimistic as it sounds, we need to be prepared for the worst reaction. Being told anything other than “I love and support you” after we come out can be heartbreaking and traumatic and possibly dangerous.

People make decisions, by and large, that they feel are right for them. And how we come out is also a decision. Sometimes a decision makes no sense to us, but it makes sense to them. My suggestion is to encourage both of your friends to talk things through with a therapist before taking any actions. Hopefully a therapist can guide them through what will likely be the most consequential decision that they will have made so far in their lives, but also help them through any negative fallout.

Love, Hannah

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