Hi Hannah, love your website and all the great insight. As crossdressing is a very private part of me that I share with my fiancé, we wonder how to keep it from becoming a lot of difficult questions for our children in the event something happens to us. My fiancé and I spend a lot of time together and if some tragic event affected us both how could we help our children with “Michelle’s” stuff they would find in our home. Any thoughts are appreciated.
Almost thirty years ago, I wrote a letter and put it in the big plastic container where I kept my lingerie. The letter was addressed to my family as they would likely be the ones that would have to sort through all my belongings if something happened to me.
The letter addressed the shock that my mom and siblings would likely feel. I tried my best to explain this side of me. At the time, I identified as a crossdresser and I assumed that who I was had nothing to do with gender identity and everything to do with clothes. Even to this day, I can’t explain WHY I am who I am, and I struggled with this aspect of the letter back then. I now have the perspective that WHY I am is an unanswerable question and it doesn’t need an explanation.
In a way, writing about being a crossdresser was a lot simpler than writing about how I identity today.
In addition to addressing the shock and doing my best to explain my secret wardrobe, I also offered a few resources that my family could turn to if they were struggling with this revelation, such as a PFLAG.
I knew at the time that this letter would be inadequate, but what else could I do? I love my mom and siblings and I cared about how they might react to this.
This question brought back the memories of that letter. If you are concerned (and this is a pretty normal concern) that someone will find your secret wardrobe, then you may consider having a note with your belongings. And really, I can’t think of another option.
Well, maybe four more options:
Purge. Get rid of all evidence. I don’t recommend this but it is an option. I don’t think it will make you happier and we all know that purging is temporary and expensive.
You could come out to your kids before the unthinkable happens. This, of course, will probably be a shock to them and likely an uncomfortable conversation, but it may avoid confusion and unanswerable questions about this side of you.
Do you have another adult in your life that you are out to and that you trust? If so, and you write a note to your kids to find, you may suggest reaching out to that person for any questions that your kids may have.
If you do have someone in your life that you are out to and trust, you could consider asking them to take care of your belongings if something happens to you. They could remove your items before your family begins sorting through your possessions.
If you do go for the note idea, then you may want to consider a few things, such as your relationship with your kids, their ages, and how they feel about the LGBTQ+ community.
I wouldn’t even know where to begin if I tried to summarize the whys and all of that in a letter, but you may be a more concise writer than I am (of course, almost everyone is, lol). Context is important to helping others understand, at least a little, something that is unfamiliar to them.
When a family member passes and we begin the steps to settling their affairs, we learn things that we didn’t know or suspect. Oftentimes this leaves us with more questions than answers, and sometimes we see them in a new light. Sometimes what we learn helps make other things make sense.
On a personal note, about twenty-five years ago, my siblings and I learned something about our paternal grandparents. It was rather shocking but it created a lot of empathy towards them. The realization that they were both hiding an enormous secret from their own kids made us feel sad for them.
I wish we had known this while they were alive. We could have learned so much about them and our family history. It was sad realizing that they were living with something that caused so much fear and anxiety. Perhaps they would have felt better if they shared this with others.
I suppose what I am saying is that if your family found your clothes, there were likely be a lot of questions and emotions and thoughts and confusion. People contain multitudes and have layers and aspects of themselves that the majority of the world doesn’t see. I feel that, in a way, we need to be empathetic to the people in our lives when it comes to our gender identity and presentation and how this aspect of ourselves can impact the people in our lives that we care about.
I hope this has been helpful. I kind of struggled with how to answer this question and if anyone has other suggestions, please please please comment.
Love, Hannah
Have a question for me? Oh yes you do. Ask me here!
Hannah McKnight 
One of your best articles ever – I struggle with these issues also – and your advise is well taken and truthful Deborah / Tampa Florida
LikeLiked by 2 people
you wondered why you are the way you are–about 15 or more years ago a prof at the U of California wrote an article in the Wall Street Journal entitled “Caught between Male and Female”. He suggests that in the womb at different times the mom releases certain “stuff”(my words) stuff #1 forms all of the outer body characteristics. #2 the brain and in our case it’s a misfire-we end up with more or less a female brain.
Unless someone has a better theory I’ll sign on for this
Emily
LikeLike
I’ve thought about this kind of stuff before… and I’m probably lucky to have been raised by well adjusted and realistic parents. As an example, my mom had breast cancer. When she got through to the end of her first round of chemo, we went to see her mom (my grandma, in her late 80’s at the time). But she hadn’t told my grandma about it until this visit. And she was only telling her then because she couldn’t hide her bald head.
After explaining everything, my grandma said, “Thank you for not telling me. I would have only worried. That wouldn’t have helped you and only caused me more pain.” After that my mom said to me that it was okay for me to keep secrets from her and my dad. Especially if the telling would accomplish nothing but pain. She promised they would never be mad about that, and that sometimes keeping secrets is the best way to love someone.
Obviously you could take that the wrong way and justify a lot of bad behavior, which is not okay. But I think for me it helped me feel safe that, if my gender and clothing secrets were ever revealed accidentally, regardless of the scenario, they would understand. And they would not let it change how they felt about who i was as a person.
I don’t know that this helps with the situation presented… and I’m not a parent myself so I shouldn’t be giving parenting advice. But I do think that permission my mom gave me to be autonomous and independent, and to not feel shameful about keeping some things to myself, was powerful.
LikeLike
Totally agree with you. Some things are best kept secret and no shame in keeping it that way. Would hate to get found out whilst alive though. Could easily happen if I had accident or sudden illness and had to spend time in hospital. I would have to keep my close family away from my house otherwise they would easily discover my extensive wardrobe.
LikeLike
Thanks for the question, and for your thoughts! I am in the same situation and I’am thinking a lot about this. The letter seems to best solution for me.
LikeLike
Thanks for the question and for your thoughts! I haven‘t written any letter until now, but you encouraged me to do so.
LikeLike
Excellent topic and discussion. Life for me is often times about balance. Part of that balance is to selfishly take care of my own spiritual, mental, and physical health.
The previous posting discussed honesty which is important in relationships, especially those closest to us. With that said, does this mean that we need to be an open book to everybody? There is definitely power and freedom in being vulnerable, but not to the extent that we will be hurt. And when I say hurt, I am not referring to someone simply disagreeing with us or not being accepting. The hurt I speak of is someone that is intentionally trying to do harm to us. The loss of a close family member’s love for us could be categorized as this if that person cannot see beyond the dressing aspect and chooses to shut us out.
The question for me is what do I hope to gain by being an open book to everyone and does it create more harm than good. I often need to comeback to the very reason I started to dress and completely came out to myself.
Anyone that has remained hidden for years for fear of loss or being judged has gone through a lot of painful and emotional torture which bleeds into many areas of our lives and relationships. One thing I have come to accept is that I did this for me and I don’t need approval from others. Although it would be great if everyone accepted us, it’s not realistic and I cannot let that impact the commitment I have made to myself.
I like the idea of leaving a note for context to try and help others understand, but we can’t really expect others to understand unless they have experienced what we have. This doesn’t make us victims, but it’s like expecting a heterosexual understanding what it is to be gay.
I need to remember to go easy on myself and change my mindset from shame of who I am to acceptance and understanding that we don’t need to be an open book and that I am not doing this to be liked and understood by everyone. It’s okay for anyone of us to have parts of us that are sacred or deeply personal to ourselves. A good example is if someone has a profound spiritual relationship with a higher power. That is a very powerful and intimate relationship that one has for themselves and doesn’t need approval or understanding.
Nadine
LikeLike
I have thought about leaving a note for my brother if I should pass before him. I have a closet full of clothes and shoes.. im sure he will wonder if he found them.
LikeLike
As a cross dresser I’m sure like many I have wrestled with this too. Admittedly, I have procrastinated and not written a letter. I’m not ashamed of it I love my femme side but have seen way to many negative signs in the family to come out with it. A lot of fears go through my mind. One is that I will be badgered not to do it anymore. With a secret like this I have lived my life not being judgemental of others and have been a good person. I feel like although shallow others would not have an understanding of it. I really do need to write that letter though. -Jaynie
LikeLike