About fifteen years ago I started to be really active online, specifically on crossdressing forums. I don’t think I’ve logged onto any of those sites in years so I really can’t say from current experience what the current climate of those discussions are like.
At the time (and this still might be true), there was a lot of, well, cattiness there. Specifically in terms of t-girls being pretty, um, competitive with each other and with ciswomen. Common topics such as “why don’t women dress like women?” and “crossdressers are way more feminine than ‘real’ women” were very popular.
Annnnnnnd I hated these conversations.
I hated those conversations because there was an energy of putting other people down with the intention of elevating themselves or simply being cruel for the sake of cruelty. I also felt it was really counterproductive.
What I mean is that so many of us want to be included, and to be part of a larger community. So many of us identify as women and want to be seen as such. Specifically by ciswomen.
Putting other women down, cis or trans, is not the way to do that. Femininity is not a contest. I kind of think that what we all want to achieve (as individuals and as a community) is the right and the acceptance to wear what we want, and to wear what feels true to ourselves without judgement or discrimination. Criticizing a woman for wearing sweatpants instead of a bodycon dress isn’t how we unite. We can’t bitch about not being “allowed” to wear a skirt when we are putting a ciswoman down for NOT wearing a skirt.
Women ELEVATE women.
This may be naive or flat-out wrong (considering I am not active on transgender related forums) but it seems that these conversations and competition have more or less died down.
Am I wrong or am I just out of the loop?
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
Preach, Hannah!
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Nailed it, Hannah! Preach!
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i have stuck around long enough to see a slow evolution, or perhaps more accurately, an aging of the CD forum I frequent. Some of it is just that inexorable passage of time. I would kindly say that, as a group, we are tending to the post retirement side. There seem to be fewer younger members these days than I recall from 15 years ago. Perhaps this simply reflects a change in the way younger people utilize the internet and social media.
It’s not a negative necessarily. Old people need places too 🙂
I do think the tone has improved. The moderators have successfully discouraged the negative, aggresive and toxic comments that were once quite common. Its fair to say that at least the CD forums that I frequent offer a more positive, supportive environment than they did before.
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I looked at a bunch of forums at some point in my past too, and I remember seeing that kind of stuff in there. It turned me off quickly, and so I never spent any real time engaging in those communities. To me it’s just another form of misogyny. When it’s coming from “chasers” it’s not altogether surprising. But when it’s stated and promoted by crossdressers and trans women, it’s just sad. I see that as trying to justify their own internalized homophobia and self-hate.
I haven’t seen as much of it lately, but like you Hannah I don’t go to those places anymore. The only social media that I still use is Reddit, and thankfully it’s pretty easy to self-select what subs you’re exposed to on there. I try to only engage with supportive and positive communities.
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I’ve experienced something similar, but from a different angle. My wife and I have talked extensively about my identity. And she’s brought up that I am “trying” to be some sort of idealized version of femininity rather than the practical everyday experience that she lives. That “more feminine than ‘real’ women” you mentioned.
We have both had to work together. Her to understand that I really enjoy that “hyper feminine” aesthetic. And me to understand a difference between presenting feminine and BEING feminine. Subtle difference, but it has shifted how I approach things now.
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Many of the subs on Reddit used to be more about community. They have since been taken over by girls trying to drive traffic to their OF sites, or as you describe, a beauty competition where the younger girls that believe in the idea of passing only support each other. Once in a while you get lucky in meeting a few good people, but many do not stick around long enough and eventually disappear. We all know there is more to an online existence and many hope to gain the courage to meet actual friends in person. Meanwhile, being online tries to satisfy a need to connect but usually fleeting.
Nadine
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I have definitely experienced this on multiple occasions, but since I also run in the kink community, I will tell you that it happens there, too. “Kink shaming” is a very constant thing on those sites. I like to call it the MKIOYKIW syndrome. Also known as My Kink Is Okay, Your Kink Is Weird.
I’ve heard it described as “yucking someone else’s yum”. Just because you’re not into something that someone else is, doesn’t mean its bad, it just means its different.
I try to encourage people on those sites as much as I can, but sometimes the amount of bitterness is hard to stand.
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