Pillow Talk!

Hi! I have a new article for Pillow Talk, a series I am doing with Xdress!

A relationship with someone who is non-binary (and for the purpose of this article this includes those who identify as crossdressers) likely will not make life easier. It’s an element that few people have experience with so it’s not easy to know how to navigate this aspect of someone they love.

In some respects, I think it might be easier for someone to say “my husband is having an affair” as opposed to “my husband dresses like a girl”.

A relationship requires trust and honesty. Love is, well, lovely, but I think the Beatles were wrong when they declared that love is all you need. You can love someone but if you know they aren’t honest with you, then that will test the limit of that love.

When we come out to our partners (unless, of course, we are “caught”), we likely will do so gently, or at least attempt to soften the blow. I don’t think most women begin a relationship and wonder what they will do if their husband confesses that they like to wear lingerie.

There is a galaxy between “I like to wear panties” and “I want a makeover and go out shopping”.

If we tell our partners that we wear panties, well, okay. A little weird, it might be a kink, but in a way, it’s kind of… safe? I mean, unless we are changing in a locker room it’s not likely others will know what we’re wearing under our boy clothes. For many of our partners, being caught is even more terrifying for them than it is for us.

But going out head to toe, in a wig and stilettos? That’s completely different. The risk of being caught increases.

Of course, going from panties to looking like the cutest girl at the mall is not just about the risk of being seen. It is commonly seen as a sign that someone is testing the waters when it comes to taking another step… a step towards transitioning.

Even if your partner is the biggest ally of the LGBTQ+ community, this is not an easy thing for them. When we commit to someone, we do so with the hope that they have, well, figured themselves out. We hope that they know who they are when it comes to sexual and gender identity.

Of course, these aspects can change over time, but we hope that when we are at the alter that our partner to be isn’t conflicted about who they love, who they want to be intimate with, and how they identify.

Learning that your partner, ten years into a marriage, is wanting to transition isn’t an easy thing to process. Their gender identity is their own, yes, but who they are will absolutely impact the entire relationship. Again, it’s not strictly about whether or not someone loves their spouse, it’s also about whether or not someone is able to stay married to someone who has made a significant life change.

Yes, they may be the same person in many aspects, but your partner’s gender identity impacts your own identity as well. I mean, if I were to transition, my wife would be married to a woman. Does that make her a lesbian? After all, two girls married to each other is, well, pretty gay.

Anyway, I suppose my point is that when we come out to someone we are committted to we likely won’t do it one time. Our journey is just beginning. Also! If we start the (likely lifelong) conversation about, well, all of this, there’s a chance we talk about panties. Again, compared to how our journey can progress, panties are relatively, well, tame.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you are like me. Panties led to a matching bra, then paired with stockings, and of course I NEEDED heels…

And so on.

It’s not easy to come out. I get it. But we must do so honestly. We must continue to come out, and we must continue to do so truthfully as our journey progresses. Telling our partners that all of this is just about panties but then they discover a box of skirts and makeup, well, all of a sudden the conversation shifts into a new level (if you will) AND it’s also going to be about trust and honesty.

Your partner will likely wonder why you told them that all of this was just panties when you had an entire wardrobe hidden. I mean, what ELSE are you not being honest about?

And can you blame them?

Issues that arise with marriage and crossdressing aren’t always about crossdressing itself. They are commonly entwined with lying ABOUT crossdressing. In these instances crossdressing isn’t the sole issue… the bigger issue is about trust.

Love, Hannah