Dick and Jane and Gender Roles

“Men go crazy in congregations

They only get better one by one”

-Sting

*please note that the term ‘congregations’ isn’t exclusive to church goers and I don’t think that’s the intention of the lyric buuuuut I will get to that eventually

I think the phrase I hear the most from people like myself (as well as partners of people like myself) is “I don’t understand”.

“I don’t understand why I am like this”

“I don’t understand why my husband wears my clothes”

“I don’t understand who/why/what I am”

It’s frustrating because it feels like there SHOULD be an explanation.  I mean, as humans we understand how things like black holes work, but the mysteries of the human heart are elusive.  It just FEELS like there SHOULD be a reason, an answer for these questions.

But I don’t think there is, and I don’t think there needs to be.  I feel that at the end of the day it’s just that we were born this way.  It’s unsatisfying, it feels like a letdown, not unlike reaching a suspense novel and learning that the villain’s motivation is pretty underwhelming.

I do think understanding something isn’t as helpful as we think it will be, though.  I mean, I can sort of understand HOW aforementioned black holes work but that doesn’t mean I comprehend it.  I think context and relatability is much more useful when it comes to understanding something…  and understanding someone.

Let’s speak in generalities here.  I think many women like to feel beautiful.  Women understand other women for wanting to feel beautiful.  There is an understanding, a relatability if you will, to this feeling.  If my wife tells my sister that she wears a certain dress because she feels pretty in it, my sister understands.  She understands because she can relate. She also knows how a dress can impact how the wearer feels.  

But if we strip away the thought that gender is binary and reframe the previous paragraph as a dress helping SOMEONE feel beautiful, it’s not that different of a scenario.  If we continue to simplify this (and make it more universal), then it becomes “an OUTFIT helps SOMEONE feel a certain way”.  

I feel we can all relate to wearing SOMETHING because of how it makes that person feel.  This SOMETHING can be a dress or a necktie or a pair of shoes.  This SOMEONE can be you, your partner, your boss.  

However, we drift from this understanding/relatability when we think of gender as a binary or when we think of clothes as being FOR a specific gender.  Although the words don’t change THAT much, we as humans think these two phrases are very different:

Jane wears a yellow dress because it makes her feel beautiful

Dick wears a yellow dress because it makes him feel beautiful

We feel differently about these two sentences because we as humans decided that BOYS WEAR THIS and GIRLS WEAR THAT.  And then we are back to square one.  We don’t understand why Dick is wearing a dress and Dick doesn’t understand (and might not care) why he likes wearing a dress.  

But the answer is RIGHT THERE. 

Because it makes him feel beautiful

Remember we are speaking in very general, broad terms right now.  Of course, beauty isn’t the only reason (or a reason at all) why Dick is wearing a yellow dress.  Dysphoria is a real thing and for many people who were assigned male at birth, wearing BOY clothes brings about a lot of thoughts and feelings.  Essentially it feels WRONG for some of us to wear BOY clothes, even if we can’t quite place our finger on WHY that is.  

I think that this can also apply to other aspects of one’s gender identity when it comes to deciding what we want to do with our bodies that can help align how we feel inside with how we look in a mirror.  

I have a family member who is VERY much NOT a supporter of the LGBTQ+ community and isn’t shy about it.  She is having a breast reduction procedure in the coming weeks.  She told my wife that she is doing this because she has always been unhappy with her size.  

Of course she should be allowed to do what she wishes with her body and she has every right in the world to make changes to help her feel better about herself.  The opinion of others is irrelevant and she doesn’t think that what she does is anyone’s business.  And she’s right.

You can probably see where this is going.  If there’s anything that annoys me, it’s a hypocrite.  This family member thinks that people who change their gender, in any way, are wrong and sick and shouldn’t be able to do this.  I have to bite my tongue because I really don’t see why SHE thinks SHE can do what SHE wants with HER body but other people can’t.  Many transgender people who take hormones are doing so in an effort for their body to match their heart.  This family member is essentially doing the same thing in principle.

It’s easy for us (the non-binary community) to get into the weeds of gender identity and all the nuances of how one can identity.  Some of you reading this identify as a crossdresser, some of you identify as transgender, some of us bounce back and forth between different options (if you will), and some aren’t sure.  And that’s okay.  WE in the non-binary community understand that there CAN be a difference between someone who identifies as a crossdresser and someone who identifies as gender queer, but to the non non-binary community?  That deep dive into our terms is a little overwhelming and a little confusing.  

And that’s okay.  In fact, it’s relatable.  I think with a lot of communities there’s a specific language (if you will) that is spoken and may not be clear to people on the outside.  This is not unlike people in the science fiction fandom who talk about Trekkies and Trekkers.  To me, they are both fans of Star Trek but apparently there is a HUGE difference between them.  I think those nuances are a little silly but I also understand that Star Trek fans take these two distinctions very seriously and really, who am I to say what terminology a community that I am not a part of uses?  

But this is relatable.  A Star Trek fan (and I am talking about Star Trek here more than I have ever have in my entire life) might know that someone outside this fandom probably doesn’t know (or care) about the nuances of a Trekker or a Trekkie.  As someone in the non-binary community, I can understand why someone might not see the difference between someone who is agender and a crossdresser.  To our community, there can be a world of difference, but to someone else?  Probably not.

And that’s okay.  It’s normal for a non-binary person to WANT to be understood and we may try our best to help someone know who WE are and the nuances and subtleties of gender and identity, but perhaps we don’t need to do that. Maybe these conversations need to be more…  universal.  Maybe these conversations should center on more relatable contextes.  Perhaps when I have come out to others I didn’t need to have a massive conversation.  Perhaps I could have stripped away a lot of the nuances and just said that I don’t think clothes and gender are binary and I like to wear what I like to wear.

Is that an oversimplification?  You bet your panties it is.  But is it relatable?  Absolutely.  Afterall, doesn’t everyone like to wear what they like to wear?  Shouldn’t everyone wear what they want to wear?

When I learned the term “crossdresser” when I was young, I was amazed and relieved that there was a word for people like myself.  That there were SO many people like myself that there was a word for us.  It was almost like learning there is life on a planet where you thought you were the only resident of.  When I got older I learned about crossdressing for some was a fetish.  Not that there’s anything wrong with having a fetish (on the condition it is safe, ethical, legal, and has the consent of anyone involved) but to me there was nothing erotic about this.  Soon I realized that crossdressing was almost always portrayed as a kink or as a gag in movies and other media.  Because of its portrayal, the broader public was taught that crossdressing was indeed either a sexual thing or played for comedy.

This is frustrating as it is a stereotype and a gross oversimplification for us.  It’s a very broad brush to paint every non-binary person as.  This portrayal influences how people outside the non-binary community see us.  What I mean is that when we come out there’s a good chance the people we come out to will react in a way that is influenced by what they’ve been taught.  When I came out as a crossdresser (before I identified as transgender) the people I came out naturally assumed that all of THIS was a fetish.  This was frustrating but again, this is what they were taught.  Crossdressing, as far as I know, has never been shown as something other than kinky or an easy joke.

This miseducation impacts other ways we can identify.  God knows that ‘transgender’ is portrayed as a controversial topic in the news.  A lot of fear-mongering, a lot of intentional spreading of misinformation.  But besides the vilification of us, transgender people are assumed to have or will be transitioning.  Of course, WE in the non-binary community understands that identifying as transgender doesn’t mean one must transition, take hormones, or make other changes to their body or legal name.  WE know this because WE are the community.  Again, Trekkers/Trekkies.  The average person makes assumptions (again, based on what they’ve been told) about those who identify as transgender.

The many ways we can identify usually require caveats.  If I were to come out to someone as transgender, one of the many caveats would be that I am not going to transition.  If I were to come out as a crossdresser the caveat would be that this isn’t a fetish.  We do this because we have to.  We have to take control of the narrative.  If not, the people we come out to will likely form an opinion about who we are based on what they’ve been taught.

This is all more complicated than it needs to be.  I believe there is more middle ground to be found than we expect.  We can find that ground by, well, looking for it.  Find a point that people can agree on, a point that is relatable.  For example, the family member I mentioned before.  She and I would both agree that what she does with her body is her business and her business alone.  That is our common ground.  We move from that common ground when we start adding nuances and thereby exposing her hypocrisy.  Her perspective is that people are allowed to do what they want with their bodies but at the same she has no hesitation in saying that people who undergo gender affirming care (and in a way, isn’t breast reduction in a similar realm?) are sick perverts.

Again, hypocrisy.  It’s okay for ME to do what I want with MY body but I’ll be damned if someone else does what THEY want with THEIR body..  

But I digress.

I don’t see the general population accepting non-binary people in my lifetime in a way that we deserve.  Perhaps that’s pessimistic but I think it’s important to be realistic.  The general population is never going to collectively understand us.  It’s WE who needs to do the work.  And no, it’s not fair and we shouldn’t need to.  I think treating others with basic decency should be, at minimum, how we function as a society.  We don’t NEED to understand someone else to treat them kindly.  But the damage has been done and is still being done.  A very vocal segment of the population (notice that I said vocal segment of the population as opposed to a majority of the population) is doing their best to vilify us and it’s working.  We have been pulled into the conversation but not invited into the conversation.  We are on the defensive.  Certain groups did not INVITE us to the conversation.  They decided who we are and ran with it.  They shaped the narrative.  Now we have to set the record straight. 

Again, it’s not fair but that’s how the mascara clumps.

A congregation is typically referred to as people who attend church, but other meanings include it also being a group of people.  I used the quote as a way to discuss herd mentality.  If you want someone to think in a certain way, you can teach them and try to influence them ORRRRRRR you can spread your message to a LOT of people at once.  SOMEONE in the crowd will agree and soon others will follow.  Not because they also agree but humans tend to go along with the crowd (or congregation).  We want to be accepted, we don’t want to be singled out.  It’s not dissimilar to how a cult leader gains notoriety.  People are prone to be, well, programmable, I suppose.  

But UNDOING that mentality?  Mark Twain wrote “It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled”. It’s humbling to admit that you were wrong.  Some people will die defending something, even when that something has been revealed to be wrong or disproven.  It’s no longer about the THING but now has shifted to refusing to admit they themselves were wrong.  Additionally you can’t undo the mob mentality.  You might be able to convince a thousand people that the earth is flat at a rally, but convincing them that they’re wrong in the same setting?  Impossible.  No, like Sting said, people only get better one by one.

If we want acceptance (or at least tolerance) then this probably needs to happen on a person to person level.  One by one.  Starting with common ground.  Talking to someone about who we are in terms and examples that they can relate to.  It seems inadequate to help just one person change their perspective, but that’s how it’s done.  One person can become two, two become four, and so on.  It’s like a pyramid scheme except it’s not a scheme lol.  

And yes, this is overly optimistic but I also think this is realistic.  Change happens with one person.  Movements start with one person.  We don’t have to attract thousands of people at a rally or start a protest.  Change can happen in a small, quiet, intimate conversation between two people who are sincerely trying to find where they agree.

Love, Hannah