As of this writing the festival organizers haven’t finalized their map as to where different booths will be placed, so please keep an eye on their website if you are interested in dropping by!
I would love to meet you!
As of this writing the festival organizers haven’t finalized their map as to where different booths will be placed, so please keep an eye on their website if you are interested in dropping by!
I would love to meet you!
My most recent photo shoot consisted of a corset I was reviewing as well as a few dresses that, for lack of a better phrase, had a story behind them. The stories were more or less along the lines of why I bought it or why it lingered in the back of my closet for years.
My final posting of the shoot really doesn’t have a story. It was a cute dress that I found a cute boutique. It fit, I loved it, the sleeves were the perfect length, the hem was also the perfect length 😉 . So I bought it. Yes, a little anti-climatic.
Here it is!
Guess what? I have a photo shoot booked for next month. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have a couple of new dresses that I can’t wait to wear as well as at least one item to review.
For the item I am reviewing I was asked if I would be comfortable wearing it. After last year’s lingerie shoot I can’t imagine saying no to much anymore.
But I did recently turn down a few items that just weren’t in line with what I want to model or review as they were mainly synthetic… think feminine masks and breast plates and things along that nature. I feel that realistic synthetic vaginas are more for the fetish crossdresser (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but perhaps my perspective is wrong on this?
I started to think about how nervous I was the first time I modeled lingerie and was very glad to be done. Buuuut it was kinda fun once the shoot was over. I’ve since done a few more shoots where I’ve reviewed and modeled other items and do you know what? My attitude turned into more or less “like, whatever”. I no longer cared or felt self-conscious that I was standing in a studio wearing lingerie while Shannonlee fiddled with the settings on her camera or adjusting the lighting.
What changed? I don’t know.
Perhaps once the first set of pictures were uploaded to my website and my social media it was like I wasn’t wearing anything (or revealing anything) that people hadn’t seen already. Perhaps it was something else.
At my last shoot I was just… vibing, you know? Just standing there in my stilettos and stockings while Shannonlee set up the shot. And soon I was standing in front of a window.
I didn’t care. Maybe I should have? Regardless it’s freeing to just let go.
Please, please understand this.
I’ve been very hesitant and reluctant to post this entry. I wrote and have rewritten this many, many times over the last few weeks. This is not meant to defend or demonize any political party. Our world is impacted by many, many things, whether it is the economy or social issues. We all have our reasons as to why we vote the way we do. Sometimes a politician has policies we like, sometimes we vote for someone to prevent their opponent from gaining office because we don’t like that person’s policies.
And that’s fine.
I suppose the point of this entry is one final attempt to be as clear as possible when it comes to the potential eradication of our community. And yes, this may be dramatic or paranoid or negative but it’s not hard to see where things are going.
I am fully and completely aware of the perspectives many of you have when it comes to how the United States is run. Some of you are very… passionate about many issues whether it is about immigration or the economy. I get it. I do. My silly little website is not about these issues. There are many other places online for you to air your grievances about things like border security or inflation or whatever. Yes, I care about many things besides gender identity but this website is about gender identity. If you don’t like how the president is running things, great, good for you, I am not thrilled with Biden either, but this is a website about presenting en femme and essentially the freedom to be who we are without the interference of the government.
I’ve disabled comments for this post because I don’t want things to go off the rails, as it were.
Okay girls, like the best dresses, I am going to keep this short and sweet.
Our little community has lively debates about whether or not crossdressing is under the transgender umbrella as well as the eternal discussion between “girl panties” and “boy panties”.
But one thing I think most of us want is the freedom to be ourselves and for the stigmatization of transgender people and crossdressing to end. Whether or not you want to be able to use the restroom that aligns with your gender identity/gender presentation or if you simply want it to be “normal” for a guy to wear a skirt, or to stop living in fear that someone sees that you’re wearing panties, ultimately what we want is to be left alone.
So, how do we do this?
For starters we have to stop putting people in charge that demonize living outside the gender binary.
But it’s not as simple as that for some.
A party or a politician is put into office because the voting worked out in their favor, not because of the reason an individual voted for them. For example, I have a colleague that tells me he votes for a particular party because of that party’s stance on certain issues but he completely disagrees with that same party because of their stance on other issues. When this particular party wins, he is happy about some of the policies that are put into law, and not so happy about others.
The point is that if you elect a party, no matter on what specific issues or the reasons you voted for them, you’re going to get laws that the party likes to write even if you disagree with some of them.
When you vote, you can make your choice based on social issues, healthcare, gun regulation, the environment, religion, the economy, infrastructure, immigration, LGBTQIA+ issues, and many, many other things. Keep in mind that your vote counts for the person you vote for, not WHY you voted for them.
I have a friend who is really struggling with the upcoming midterm and presidential election. He thinks Democrats will pass regulations that will negatively impact his business, but as a gay man he’s afraid Republicans will kill marriage equality if given a chance. In his situation, if you want to simplify things, he feels he is voting for the economy OR the right for him to marry whom he wishes.
If you vote for a particular party because you like their policies about one or two key items, okay, fine. But if that party does obtain office, then you will also get their policies on everything else, as well as whomever they nominate to the Supreme Court if they are given a chance which will have longer influence that will outlast any president’s time in office.
Legislation against the trans community will not stop with a state enacting laws about trans kids participating on sport teams that align with their gender identity or a banning library events like drag queen story time.
Any potential repeal of transgender rights will impact every single person who visits this website. Not one of us is safe, immune, or excluded from laws like these.
My most recent photo shoot had a couple of dresses that I had to look DEEP into my closet to find. I have been meaning to wear this particular one for years and years but for some reason or another just never followed through with it. I would plan a day out en femme and sometimes I would end up getting a NEW dress and wanted to wear that one instead or the weather wasn’t going to cooperate and I would need to wear something else.
But I suppose those were just excuses. The reason I didn’t wear it was because I didn’t feel cute in it. I found the dress on Amazon and thought it looked pretty and it fit like a dream but I just felt a little… frumpy? Like it didn’t fall right? Because of this I just didn’t feel a lot of affection towards it.
A dress can FIT, but it doesn’t mean it fits in the right places. Sometimes a pretty dress doesn’t compliment you.
Femme clothes are, for the most part, designed for the cis gender female body. This means a bust and hips. My body is pretty rectangular and sometimes the most gorgeous gown fits like a pillowcase.
I packed this dress into my suitcase for the shoot and honestly? I just hoped for the best. The shoot started and as the afternoon progressed the outfits I brought were worn, photographed, and then (carelessly) tossed back into my suitcase.
There was time left for one more outfit, and this dress was the last one left. I shrugged and changed.
This was the first time I had worn the dress with my breast forms and corset. My body was completely different compared to the other times I tried on the dress.
It fell where it should. The dress fit the body it was designed for. I had the body (courtesy of my corset and forms) that it was designed for.
I am not saying that you need a certain figure or $400 breast forms to look cute in a dress. This is a reminder that clothes sometimes need a little help.
The other day I posted that I was feeling very ambitions and scared and frustrated and that I wanted to do MORE. I am not sure EXACTLY what MORE means, but I suppose it just means doing more of what I love to do and if there’s something I want to do en femme, I had better do it now.
It also means it’s time for the next step in my book.
Well, that’s not exactly true. I haven’t forgotten, it’s always been sitting in the far corner of my hard drive. I think of it often. It’s not unlike the elliptical machine that you bought that you know you should use but you just can’t stop hanging clothes on.
The book is mostly a collection of some of the writings that have been posted on my website and have gone through multiple edits and rewrites and tweaks (all under the expert eye and unlimited encouragement and nudging of my friend).
The publishing world is an intimidating beast and it’s unlikely my little book will be on the shelves of a Barnes and Noble, but a girl can dream, right?
I am in the process of submitting my book to literary agents and I am hoping that someone will take me as a client. If that happens, they in turn will pitch the book to appropriate publishers. And then MAYBE, just maybe the book will exist in the real world and not just on my laptop.
So! If anyone has any suggestions or connections or ideas when it comes to publishing, my inbox is open. 😉
I don’t want to wait anymore
I’m tired of looking for answers
Take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter
I don’t know if I’m scared of dying
But I’m scared of living too fast, too slow
Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I’ve got to go
There’s no starting over
No new beginnings time races on
And you’ve just gotta keep on keeping on
Gotta keep on going
Looking straight out on the road
Can’t worry ’bout what’s behind you
Or what’s coming for you further up the road
I try not to hold on to what is gone
I try to do right what is wrong
…Something good comes with the bad
A song’s never just sad
There’s hope, there’s a silver lining
Show me my silver lining
Show me my silver lining
-First Aid Kit
I am not overly optimistic. I try not to be pessimistic but it’s been hard lately. It feels like a lot of bad things are inevitable and I know this is a very negative attitude but I really feel powerless. I know I can’t change anyone’s opinion about girls like us and I certainly can’t stop those in power from doing what they’re going to do.
This is not to say that one person can’t make a difference or shouldn’t try. There are people in the trans community who are fantastic leaders, those who can bring people together to be a greater, unified voice. I admire and I am grateful for people like that. I wish I could do that.
I think my influence, if I have any, is on a quieter, more… one-on-one level. I am not going to be able to organize an enormous rally on the steps of the state capital, but I can hopefully connect to someone like myself and perhaps give them the confidence and the perspective they’re looking for to step out of the house en femme for the first time.
And I think there’s value in that. A huge demonstration may change the law that gives the transgender community equal rights, but all the rights and deserved freedoms imaginable sometimes isn’t enough to give a girl like me the courage to present as their own gender.
I suppose I want to lead or influence by example? If I can find the courage to go out en femme, you can find it too. If I am not too tall to be femme, you aren’t either. If I don’t care about passing, why should you?
This feeling of inevitable defeat has been dragging me down and stripping me of hope and optimism. So, what’s left?
Well, just myself. I mean, that’s all one has, right?
We have one life and a finite amount of time to do what we wish and live our years how we feel.
If I am going down, I am going down fighting.
And my fight isn’t against the world, mind you. I am not taking on ANYONE. No, what I mean is that if there was ever a time to do what I want, it’s NOW.
Yes, the world is hard and getting harder, and today my perspective is that if my life is an amusement park that could close at any moment, I had better go on as many rides as I can.
This is the silver lining of feeling that I am being backed into a corner. That the Sword of Damocles looms above me, above anyone who is non-binary.
So, what does this mean? Well, I don’t know exactly. Probably just MORE of what I like to do. More photo shoots, hopefully more modeling, grabbing on and following through when I am feeling ambitious or inspired.
I am feeling excited but I just wish this excitement wasn’t coming from a dark, pessimistic place.
I tried to pick my battles ’til the battle picked me
As the days and years go by it becomes more and more obvious about what you should spend your time and energy doing and what deserves your attention. There are some battles that just can’t be won no matter the argument. It sounds completely ludicrous but there are still people who believe the earth is flat regardless of the proven scientific evidence.
Aaaand any second now the emails will start coming in from flat-earthers about how the planet is indeed flat and it’s part of a global conspiracy to hide the truth.
This is an example of a battle that cannot be won and I see little reason to spend any time or energy fighting it. The earth is flat?? Okay, whatever you say!
“Pick your battles” is one of the best pieces of advice you can listen to.
But there are also the battles that you are dragged into. You don’t WANT to fight, you didn’t start it, you don’t think it can be won, yet here you are defending something with all of your being.
I’ve been told that transgender people have politicized gender. Noooooo we haven’t. We have always been misunderstood and hated. We have always been feared. These things won’t change in my lifetime.
At some point some influential people decided we were a perverts and sinners and deviants and we were pulled into the spotlight.
I think every person reading this website is looking forward to a day when clothes are no longer genderizied, that a man wearing panties is literally not an issue, and we have the freedom to live a private life without random people at the mall thinking we are an abomination because of a falsehood that a news channel “reported”.
And yes, that day will be lovely but it feels that day becomes further away all the time. Although it is amazing to have the representation that we currently have, in some ways I miss living in a world where we were basically ignored. When I started to go out en femme one of my biggest fears was someone pointing at me and intentionally misgendering me. In retrospect that all seems so… trivial to today.
When I go out lately I wonder if someone will call the police because there’s a transwoman at Starbucks. I am not sure of what law I am breaking but that doesn’t stop people from acting out of fear, and they are convinced that I am someone they are told to be afraid of, that I am a threat.
I just want to live my little life and walk around the mall in my cute dress drinking my silly little coffee.
I am not making a political statement. I am not trying to fight a battle. I just want to be left alone.
It would be nice if people stopped spreading malicious lies about non-binary people. It would be nice if people stopped believing them. It would be nice to not have to fight for survival.
I will never be able to convince someone that transpeople aren’t a threat if they believe that we are. Once someone makes up their mind (or told what to think) it’s very unlikely that no matter what you say or do they will not change their mind.
So I don’t even try. It’s not a battle I can win.
I am often dragged into a fight with someone who emails me but I just ignore them, lol. I get emails that are paragraphs, entire paragraphs about how I am going to hell or that I am going to jail. I roll my eyes, delete the email, and move on with my life. I know they probably want to engage with me and are trying to make me angry but come on, if you think I am damned there’s nothing I can say that will convince you otherwise.
I am not going to fight you.
I am not going to change.
There are battles I will not be able to win. But at the same time, our enemies can’t win either. Legislation is not going to erase us. It MIGHT be the goal but trans people have existed for centuries and we’re not going anywhere.
Well temptation and leather. I can’t resist leather. I just can’t.
And it’s silly. But it is what it is. But isn’t all of *this* is what it is?
When I am en femme I feel confident and brave and powerful. It’s not necessarily because of what I am wearing but it’s more of a result of all the mental barriers and fears and insecurities and dysphoria I had to conquer before I could leave the house, before I stopped caring about being read, after I realized there was no such thing as passing, before I stopped trying to blend in.
Not caring is one of the most freeing things one can experience.
Of course, not caring is not the same thing as not being compassionate, kind, or considerate, but you know what I mean.
Sometimes I think I have enough LBDs. or enough bodycon dresses with pretty floral patterns on them, but then you see IT. A dress that you KNOW you don’t NEED but you can’t imagine living another minute without it.
So you buy it and the feeling dissipates… until it happens again.
And it will. And I love that. I love finding a dress that I can’t say no to.
A few months ago I was at a second-hand boutique and I saw a dress. It was my size, it was leather, and I mean, I HAD to get it. And really, it wasn’t that different than the other leather dresses I have, but really, when has logic and reason had a chance against a WANT?
I used to save leather for nights out but I rarely am out late these days. Late nights and bold outfits tend to go together but… well, I don’t care about blending in anymore. Well, I do to a degree, there are some limits to what I will wear when I am out. I might love my thigh-high boots and pink PVC dress but I won’t wear that outfit to the mall.
Speaking of shoes, let’s talk MORE about shoes I wore with this dress.
I didn’t MEAN to buy them. I had no choice.
I mean, yes I had a choice, but I didn’t feel I had a lot of options on the day that I bought them. I was out en femme a year or so ago when the fastener on my heels stopped cooperating. Girls like us don’t have the luxury of popping into Target in a pinch and picking out a pair of heels that fit. I also “needed” black heels to go with the outfit I was wearing. I knew I had only a few places I could go that would almost guarantee where I could find a pair of black heels that would fit so off I went.
There is a chain of shops called Fantasy Gifts in the Minneapolis/Saint Paul area (and New Jersey) and they sell lingerie and um, other accessories of a sexual nature. They also, thank heavens, sell heels for people with my shoe size.
Their selection tends to be on the more fetishy side with towering platforms and six inch stilettos. Obviously I heart heels like this buuuut for the day I had planned I was hoping to find something a LITTLE more modest.
Depending on how you look at it, luck was either against me or it was running in my favor because the only option where these heels:
My heart skipped a beat and felt a combination of OMG I HEART THEM and I can’t possibly wear them while I run errands.
But guess what! I could and I did:
I am used to being the tallest girl in town but my goodness I towered over everyone. It was… an experience. A sexy experience.
Like a few other pairs of shoes I own, I couldn’t imagine wearing them in the real world so when it was time to plan my outfits for my most recent photo shoot I thought they would perfect for my newly acquired leather dress.
I love how these photos turned out. I think it’s obvious how the stilettos and the leather just… awakens something in me.
I believe that most people think a lot of kinks and fetishes are weird.
I mean, if you think it’s hot when a girl wears stilettos or a leather skirt that’s one thing. Those are pretty… hm, common things to be attracted to? I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that most straight dudes think a pretty girl wearing a tight skirt is attractive. I think most guys would understand and agree if one of their buddies told them that they think girls in high heels are hot.
When someone has a kink or a fetish that is oddly specific that’s when things can get a LITTLE out of the ordinary. For a while I had a guy who emailed me on the regular asking if I would wear a very specific type of dress for a photo shoot. I mean, I get these requests from time to time but they are usually along the lines of “wear a schoolgirl skirt” and “wear a latex dress”. I mean, I would love to wear a latex dress but girl, they are expensive. If you want me to wear one, then buy me one, lol.
The dress he requested wasn’t “sexy” in the traditional sense. I don’t want to get into toooo much detail as I don’t want to call him out but for the life of me I couldn’t understand why this dress was so alluring to him. A French Maid dress? Yes, I get that, but the one he kept asking about? I couldn’t figure it out and the more he requested it and the more in detail he got in describing it the weirder it became. I became pretty uncomfortable after a bit and thankfully he has since backed off.
Again, consent is necessary for anything sexual.
Sometimes I get invited to add a photo to a group on Flickr. Most of the time the groups are along the line of “t-girls in pretty dresses” or something like that. Something pretty broad and general. But other times the group is very, very specific like “t-girls who hold their purse in the crook of their arm” or something like that. It’s like… why is that hot for you??
I don’t spend too much time thinking about why someone thinks something is arousing. I mean, I don’t WANT to think about it in the first place, but I also know there’s usually not a reason why someone thinks something is erotic. It’s usually just how someone is wired.
I grew up knowing that although wearing girl clothes wasn’t wrong, I also knew it wasn’t something most boys did. It was ingrained in me at a very early age to hide this part of me. When I was five and entered kindergarten the WORST thing a boy could do was doing ANYTHING that a girl did. If you colored with a pink crayon or jumped rope then you were teased. Mercilessly.
We have a need to belong, to have friends, to be part of a community. We are not meant to isolate from the rest of the world (at least not for very long). We need collaboration, cooperation, and to socialize.
Being ostracized from the other kids in your class was traumatic. No one wanted to be left out.
So, I learned really early to not do anything that could lead to this. I learned to pretend to like certain television shows or to play sports that I had no interest in doing. I went along with the crowd. I assimilated.
And yes, hiding my crossdressing was part of that.
It still is.
When most people get their first exposure to crossdressing it’s usually portrayed for laughs or in a sexual way. If a boy ripped his pants in a cartoon and the tear revealed he was wearing pink panties with hearts on them it was meant to be HILARIOUS. As we grew older and our entertainment became more adult we would see movies that sometimes showed a man wearing lingerie as a kink or again, for laughs.
This annoyed me.
I would see things like this and for a split-second feel… hm, represented? But then it would quickly turn into a comedic or sexual scene. And not “sexy”, more like… creepy.
I didn’t like how crossdressing was portrayed. I’m not saying it needed to be shown as some sort of dramatic moment, but I would have loved to have seen crossdressing as something more… subtle, I guess? Like how groundbreaking would it be see to a television show where the husband and wife get ready to sleep and he changes from a suit into a black nightgown and…. that was it.
This sexualization made my life more complicated. Whenever I came out to someone I had to make sure they knew that THIS wasn’t a kink. I had to acknowledge that YES, to SOME it is INDEED a fetish but for me it was just what I wore. It was exhausting to come out since so much of “the talk” focused on what crossdressing WASN’T (at least to me). And to be fair, to most people their experiences with “men wearing lingerie” was almost always portrayed as kinky so it’s not surprising that someone had that assumption.
Look, I am very sex positive. I think a healthy sex life is very beneficial. I am not here (or anywhere) to kink-shame. If this is a fetish to you, awesome. If a t-girl holding her purse in the crook of her arm turns you on, enjoy this picture:
My point is that the sexualization of who we are and what we wear will forever complicate our lives and impede acceptance of who we are. I’ve written before about how I am terrified of being outed as a crossdresser more than I am terrified of being outed as a t-girl and that is solely based on the misconception of what *this* side of someone is about. As sexually charged our society is, it’s really odd to see how repressed we are. We giggle and become squeamish about sex.
I do admit I overthink about most things in my life, but am I alone in this? Does the sexualization and fetishism of crossdressing irritate anyone else? Did you have to “unpack” crossdressing as a kink when you’ve come out to someone as well?