Shallow Thoughts

Hi girls!
Just a quick note to let ya’ll know I am back from my work trip and regular postings will resume, at least until my next trip.

I’ve written about my anxiety before and one of the annoying things about anxiety is that a scenario can pop into my head that isn’t likely to happen or if it DOES, it’s probably not going to happen in the way I am afraid it will.  Anxiety kicks in (for me, at least) due to unlikely potential situations and although I try to be rational and tell myself that almost every single thing I obsess over never happens, it does little to ease my mind.  That being said, I had a feeling this would be a challenging trip and it was, but like almost every situation, it was challenging in different ways than I expected.  

When I travel for work it’s usually because of the final days of a project my team is working on.  We were always going to come up for short for this particular project so that wasn’t a surprise, but despite that, part of me was looking forward to the trip.  It would be an opportunity to see my team, go to a few restaurants I enjoy, and do some shopping.  But as a t-girl knows, the most carefully laid plans can go awry.  Most of my team was out with COVID so there was extra work that needed to be done because of that.  I wasn’t able to see my co-workers (who I generally like), and the additional time at work meant less time to do non-work stuff.  I wasn’t able to do as much shopping as I was hoping to do.  It’s fun to buy new lingerie to wear in my hotel room, for example.  

After five days or so of solid work, I was able to do a little shopping.  By the time I was able to enjoy a little free time, I was craaaaaabby.  I was tired, I was feeling drained.  I visited the normal places when I travel, such as book stores and of course, a little lingerie shop.  I found some really cute panties and a few other things that caught my eye but I left without purchasing anything.  See?  I told you I was crabby.

I had an early dinner or late lunch (depending on how you looked at it).  I wasn’t used to being in a different time zone so my internal clock was off.  By the time I returned to my hotel room, I had eaten, I had stepped away from the doomed work project, and my mood had stabilized so I was able to unwind.  I sat in my room and just stayed silent for a while.  I thought about last year, I thought about my co-workers, I thought about the pandemic, I thought about work.  I thought about the new year.  I’ve been learning a lot about life through the pandemic and like a lot of us, was reminded that life is short, but I also remembered that our quality of life is also limited.  I may live a long time, but being healthy enough to live my life as I’d like to is also short.  

And yes, I know not everything is about lingerie or crossdressing or gender.  But everything IS about being true to yourself and being happy.  As I sat in my room and watched the day end, I realized I should have bought the panties.  I should have treated myself to new lingerie.  Although none of us are promised a tomorrow, tomorrow is always more fun when you have new panties to look forward to.  And yes, I know this is shallow.

That’s all I have to say for now.  Life is short.  Buy the panties.  And the heels.  And the dress.

Love, Hannah

A Little Housekeeping

No, not *that* kind of housekeeping. 😉

I try to write something about every two to three days and some of ya’ll are so sweet and check in on me when I go a few days without updating my site.  I am actually very touched when that happens.  I wanted to let you know I’ll be traveling for work for the next week or so and I won’t be posting during that time.  I’ll likely be sending random tweets so you can keep up with my random thoughts there if you’d like.  I’ll approve any pending comments and post Ask Hannah answers when I return.

I also try to post on significant dates, and New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day aren’t any different.  Since I’ll be traveling I won’t be posting on those days, but I wanted to write a little about this year and the upcoming one.  So!  Here we go.

I try to be positive, God knows I do, and God knows it’s not always easy.  We started 2021 with a LOT of hope fueled mostly by a vaccine against COVID.  Things felt dark and bleak for most of 2020 but… I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just me but I feel more pessimistic and scared these days than I have in a long time.  I think those feelings are a response to the world still being impacted by COVID but the world also trying to go back to normal at the same time.  Mask mandates are rare at the moment, people are returning to work, schools are open, and events, whether they are concerts, football games, or celebrations are forging ahead.  Things are bad, AND they don’t look like they will get better any time soon.

When COVID hit part of me thought this would go away in a few weeks.  When that didn’t happen, I felt that things would turn around with a vaccine.  That happened for a bit but things are really bad again.  During the first days of the pandemic we waited until things would go back to normal but it’s obvious things won’t do that and we must learn to adapt to THIS for now…. and we’ll continue to wait for whatever world we’ll have when the pandemic ends (because I am still optimistic enough to think that it WILL end).  When I would think about life returning back to normal, I thought of the things I would do.  Go shopping without a mask, visiting friends, maybe even flying pretty.  I looked forward to these things.  Looking forward to things helps keeps me moving forward.  As time passed, these moments looked more and more elusive.  These days I don’t plan things like that, I don’t plan anything more than a few weeks in advance and when I do, it’s always with the understanding that things could change abruptly.  I am supposed to fly out of Minneapolis tomorrow, but there’s a good chance my flight will be canceled.  I can’t even plan on my trip still happening as scheduled.

And this KILLS me.  I am a planner, I like to know what I am doing this afternoon, in two weeks, and I like to be reasonably confident that my plane will leave on time.  Everything has gone out the window.  In the early days of 2020 I was a wreck.  My life, my day had no structure.  Everything changed very quickly.  We had to adapt to working at home, parents had to adapt to their children doing remote learning, and washing our hands increased by a billion percent.  And for the most part, this is where we still are.  Little has changed compared to 18 months ago, but WE had to change.  We had to adapt.

And we sort of did.  Some people are ignoring the pandemic and trying to go back to normal.  I get it.  I really do.  I want things to be normal again but we can’t force that.  COVID has its own thoughts when it comes to our plans.  I adapted by accepting that I can’t plan things.  Not being to schedule ANYTHING causes my anxiety to go up a billion percent.  These days I don’t FEEL *that* anxiety.  I don’t get anxious about my flight potentially getting canceled tomorrow and disrupting an entire week of work that I have planned.  I SHOULD feel anxious and maybe I do but perhaps I am used to it and not noticing it the way I used to.  This level of anxiety might be my new normal.

I had to learn to live in the moment.  And living in the moment sounds so inspirational and freeing, but in reality it’s not always so.  I am stubbornly and reluctantly living more day-to-day.  Maybe my flight will be canceled?  Maybe everyone in the world will get vaccinated?  Maybe COVID will stop evolving?  These thoughts aren’t necessarily a sign of optimism, rather they are a result of almost two years of THINGS happening.  Could anyone have possibly predicted the world that we have today?  Well, probably, but the point is this is not the reality “for now”.  This IS reality…. and God knows how long this will last.

Changing my mindset from planning every minute of every day to just… seeing how things go has been surprisingly… liberating?  Again, I don’t know if I am simply so anxious to the point where it’s become my new normal mental state and therefor I don’t notice it, or if it’s something else.  The point is I am going into the new year with zero plans.  I have no goals, I have nothing that I hope to do.  This sounds overly pessimistic but I’ve learned that until *THIS* goes away, I can’t make plans.  I can’t make plans that stand a good chance of getting disrupted which would create disappointment.  So, I am planning nothing and well, let’s see how that goes.

It’s not as freeing and exciting as it sounds.  I am used to looking towards the new year with things I want to experience as Hannah.  This could be a new experience or something I’ve done before that I am keen on doing again.  My life (both of my lives) has been paused for almost two years.  Fun experiences can’t be planned, whether a vacation or hitting the mall en femme.  This paused time has given me moments of reflection and an opportunity to evaluate my life/lives.  For my boy life it’s been a significant shift from planning things to just… seeing how things go.  For Hannah it’s been reflecting how SHE fits into HIS life, mainly when it comes to coming out.  I used to want to come out to more friends.  I used to want Hannah to do things that HE does.  I don’t necessarily want that anymore.  I mean, it would be nice to have coffee en femme with friends that only know me as HIM, and it used to give me pangs of regret when I would think that moments like that probably wouldn’t happen.  These days I have a better understanding of what I want, and I don’t want a blurring of my two lives anymore.  The boy has HIS life and Hannah has HER life and that’s been the case for a while.  I used to want a little more overlap but… I don’t think so anymore.  

What changed?  I am not sure if anything really did.  Perhaps I just worked my way through any perceived conflict (so to speak) of coming out versus keeping things as they are.  I know coming out will require a LOT of conversations and energy but I don’t feel I have the emotional bandwidth to do that, especially in a pandemic.  I don’t want to take anything more on.  Of course, were I wanted to transition it would be a different story.  In some ways, coming out (for me) aligns with a desired outcome.  I came out to a female roommate a loooong time ago because I wanted to keep wearing a nightgown to bed and was tired of hiding my clothes.  I came out to my mom because I hoped that by me being honest with her about who I am would bring us closer.  We do have a better relationship these days but it’s not because I came out.  I came out to my sisters because I had hoped that they would like having a new sister.  

Coming out with having a goal in mind has met with mixed success.  My roommate didn’t care (so that was a win) but my sisters aren’t interested in meeting Hannah for coffee.  It makes me wonder if allllll the drama, all the emotion, all the talks were… well, worth it.  The track record, so to speak, hasn’t been encouraging.  If coming out to people in my life was always a positive experience I would be more encouraged to keep coming out, but that hasn’t been the case.  Of course, what one comes out AS can make a difference.  Were I to come out as transgender with wanting to transition, I have no doubt that most people in my life would be happy and excited for me.  Coming out as transgender, and more specifically bi-gender with no plans to transition… well, for some that’s a little new to them.  For most cis gender people, most transgender people they know of are those that have/or will transition.  Someone having two gender identities is a concept that isn’t easy to understand or relate to.  

Coming out changes your life and the lives of those around you.  I don’t feel the need to come out to anyone else.  For the most part I don’t think it will be worth the drama and the confusion that it could be bring.  My life/lives are as perfect as they can be.  I am happier and more content than I ever could have dreamed.  If this is all I will ever have, it’s more than I could have ever hoped for.  I am at peace.

Well, at peace as much as I can be in a global pandemic where everything feels dark and bleak at any rate.

I don’t have plans or goals for 2022.  I won’t have a wish for the new year…. except for this.  I wish you all peace.  I know how our gender identity and wardrobe desires can cause tension and stress.  I know how uncertain we can feel with what this means and what we want.  I know how it feels to be in denial and to resist what our hearts want.  I’ve been there.  If you still need to, I hope you can accept who you are.  While it’s true that accepting yourself doesn’t necessarily mean being able to wear what you want or to identify how you wish to the rest of the world, you can quietly accept who you are.  You can make peace with yourself, with who you are.  

And who you will be.

Happy New Year.

Love, Hannah

Holiday Wish

As much as I hate the term “journey” to describe our progress when it comes to our gender identity, I have to begrudgingly admit it’s also the most fitting.  Like any journey or adventure (hmm, maybe adventure is a better word?), our paths are fraught with peril, milestones, setbacks, and accomplishments.  Some aspects of our journey will end, some never will.  Sometimes the destination itself changes.  

I believe in celebrating milestones.  It could be a birthday, an anniversary, a promotion at work, the first time a girl like us leaves the house en femme.  I acknowledge small milestones and large ones.  I believe in moving forward on our journeys, even when it’s hard.  I believe in rest.  I believe in self-care.  I know life is often two steps forward, one step back.  I believe in looking back to see how far you’ve come.  You may not have made any progress compared to a month ago, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you were further along than where you were a year ago.  

And progress, moving forward on your journey, isn’t always visible.  Yes you may have been working up the courage to buy a pair of stilettos for months and perhaps it hasn’t happened yet, but remember, at one point you were in denial about wanting to wear them.  

We may feel alone on our journey, and we often are.  But in a grander scope we have each other.  We have our trans sisters cheering us on, encouraging us, believing in us, even if you’ve never met them.  I don’t know everyone personally who visits my website, but I am your biggest cheerleader (and not because of the cute, pleated skirt).

Many of us are celebrating, or at least, acknowledging that today is Christmas day.  All across the world a t-girl is celebrating the holiday for the first time in a sparkly dress.  A teenager who is transitioning is being told by her parents they have legally changed their name and gender.  A crossdresser was given a pair of panties by their supportive, albeit overwhelmed and confused wife.  

However, there are just as many of us who are wishing Santa brought us a new skirt instead of a necktie.  Wishing that we could have Christmas brunch in a dress instead of an ugly Christmas sweater.  Wishing we weren’t in the same room as our transphobic uncle.  I am your cheerleader, and I am also your sympathizer.  

Whether you are spending the day en femme, or wearing panties with candy canes all over them under your boy clothes, getting through the day with family, or spending the day alone, be kind to yourself.  Our lives are journeys, and sometimes holidays are the most difficult time of the year.  You may not be where you would like to be on your gender adventure (it IS a better word), but you are making progress.  Our adventures are visible achievements and they are also mental and emotional achievements.  Our gender journey isn’t always about walking more confidently in heels compared to a year ago, sometimes our achievements are accepting who we are, even if our closets are filled with only boy clothes.  

I wish you peace and happiness on this day, and all the others.

Love, Hannah    

Restless Peace

The absolute worst feeling in the world is DREAD.  Leaving work on a Friday knowing you have a BAD meeting scheduled for Monday ruins your whole weekend.  At least mine will be ruined, not everyone is inflicted with the level of anxiety I get to deal with.  

On the flip (and more positive) side, the BEST feeling is peace.  

I’ve always been restless, I’ve always been ambitious.  These two emotions feed off of each other.  I accomplish something and would immediately look for a new challenge.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, I think ambition is an admirable trait in someone.  It’s one of the few things I like about myself.  Please don’t read too much into that, I am fine, I have a healthy self-esteem (maybe a little TOO healthy based on the number of photos I post, lol), I am happy with who I am (in all aspects) and amazed at how wonderful my life is turning out.  I like working towards SOMETHING, I like looking forward to things.  I find joy in work, whether it is a home project, something for my job, or seasoning a corset.  

Of course, the more things one attempts the likelihood of failure increases.  And that seems overly and perhaps unnecessarily pessimistic, but it’s the truth.  The only way to avoid failure and criticism is do nothing, to say nothing.   This is true in any aspect of life, especially presenting en femme.  When I post a photo or strut out of the house the reactions and interactions are mostly either positive or… non-existent.  At the mall I may have someone compliment my dress or makeup, but for every kind comment there are countless unspoken opinions.  And that’s fine, I don’t need compliments or reassure, I dress for my damn self, thank you very much.  

The risk of posting a photo or going out en femme are unkind people.  People who go out of their way to write something nasty about a posted picture or say something in public.  It’s just cruel, there’s no other way to interpret an action like that.  

And it hurts.  Sometimes it bothers me for a couple of minutes, sometimes I think about it every moment of every day for the rest of my life.  

I know I COULD completely avoid this from happening.  All it would take is for me to never leave the house en femme and completely vanish from social media.  Easy-peasy.  BUT!  I am not going to do that.  My ego wouldn’t let me resist posting a picture of myself that I really like for very long and staying home after getting a new and amazing dress is not an option.  However on a more enlightened (and less shallow) perspective, you shouldn’t let the haters win, don’t let some jerk ruin your day or dull your sparkle.  I know it’s easier said than done, especially when I can perfectly recall an unkind comment that someone said to me like five years ago when I was out shopping,  but God knows I try.

True peace starts with years and years of, well, living.  It also comes from forgiveness of others and forgiving yourself.  It comes from accepting that you will fail, and giving yourself permission to fail.  It’s not been an easy couple of weeks in my male life.  Everything is “fine”, but I am faced with a couple of things (one family and one work-related) that I am not used to dealing with.  Not being used to a challenge usually means it’s not something one has a lot of experience with, and therefore problem-solving and being able to process something on an emotional or mental level aren’t things one has had a chance to develop and ultimately apply to a problem.

In other words, I’m working on stuff I don’t know how to fix because they are not issues I’ve faced before.

Again, everything is fine, or will be fine.  No one is dying and I am not looking down the barrel of unemployment so please don’t think I am all doom and gloom.  Were I facing either of these (well let’s charitably call them challenges) individually life (on every level) would be more manageable, obviously.  But both of these at the same time??  Completely overwhelming.  I am exhausted and feel I could break under the pressure.  I’ve never felt completely defeated but goodness I am getting there.

I know things will get better. The work thing will pass and work itself out.  Without getting tooooooooooo specific my team at work are all working on a project and we all have specific responsibilities and obligations and based on our progress as a team AND as individuals we are all going to fail miserably.  As a team we have projects all the time at different times throughout the year and I almost always accomplish my tasks and often over-achieve to the point I can make up for a colleague’s shortcoming.  I am not used to being where I am in terms of this work project.  It’s been a while since I have crashed and burned in such a spectacular way on a work project so the feeling of impending failure (or dread) is not something I am used to. I don’t know how to cope with walking into a dumpster fire, if that makes sense.  My inner dialogue hasn’t been very kind to me lately.  The comfort (if you can call it that) I am clinging to (like a shipwrecked passenger holding onto driftwood) is that this project has to be completed by the end of the year.  

And it won’t be.  It’s… disheartening to start the new year in such a way, but there’s little that can be done at this point.  It would take a miracle for this project to meet the deadline.

And then?  Life goes on.  My manager will yell at us and he’ll get yelled at and then he’ll yell again… and onto the next project.  In other words we will stubbornly move on from the failure as we pour our energy, time, and attention to the NEXT project.  Dwelling on the past (in all of its aspects) isn’t healthy or productive.  Of course, I know this.  This too will pass, and all that.  But between now and then, this lingering and inevitable failure, this Sword of Damocles, will hang over my head and will occupy a lot of my attention over the holidays.  Which, to be honest, sucks.  I WANT to shut off the part of my brain that is reserved for work, but I can’t do that.  My anxiety doesn’t let me do that.  Instead I will be occupied with thoughts of missed opportunities that lead to this impending work project failure while I visit with my family and eating amazing food on Christmas.

As for the more important, family concern, well, it’s one day at a time.  Helping a beloved family member get through something is never easy.  The past two weeks have had its share of breakthroughs and frustrations, to say the least.  Yesterday was a good day, so I am feeling more positive.  Most of last week, not so much.  This roller coaster is killing me.  But that’s enough about this very personal situation.

Empowerment is important and sometimes I would argue it’s the only thing that will get you through something.  I told myself after a particularly frustrating day at work that I need to give myself permission to fail.  Not every project will be successful, not every stride in five inch stilettos will be without a stumble.  Being able to shake off a stumble, a failed work project, a negative comment is not easy but God, you have to do it.  Sometimes time heals a wound, sometimes it takes a personal revelation, sometimes it takes years of therapy.  If I knew how to shake off everything that dulled one’s sparkle I could write a self-help book and sell a zillion copies and never have any (financial) problems ever again.  But I don’t have all the answers and I never will.  

Knowing you don’t have all of the solutions, knowing that not every strut will be graceful, knowing that every day at work will not be an amazing experience… this is how peace slowly creeps in.  If you let it.  I know (and I know from personal experience) that this can consume and frustrate someone in incredibly negatively powerful ways.  But God I need to let things go.  Giving myself permission to fail, acknowledging that I am feeling unprepared when it comes to helping someone in need (and asking for help myself), this is how I can begin to productively handle a situation.  You need to stop panicking before you can be of any help to someone.  Drink some coffee, put on some lipstick, and handle it.

Or at the very least, put on your favorite panties.

I know this is very simplistic.  I know this is alllll easier said than done.  But every strut in stilettos begins with a small, tentative step in kitten heels.  Every life changing revelation has its beginnings in a small, quiet realization.  Whether it is giving yourself permission to fail or a in sudden bolt of inspiration.  

This website does it’s best to provide relevant and relatable content to our cute little community.  I also know that this website is a LITTLE self-serving and self-indulgent (again, I post a lot of photos and recognition I may get) and will from time to time post about something personal (such as this).  Just like I dress for myself, I sometimes write for myself.  Writings like this help me with some perspective and I find it therapeutic to sort out some of the thoughts swirling around my head and consuming my heart.  Thank you for bearing with me as I go on and on (and on and on) about my brain and life.  I do try to equate my thoughts with relatable experiences to ya’ll, like dealing with nasty comments or walking in heels so I hope if you read this it wasn’t a TOTAL waste of time, lol.

Love, Hannah 

Working Girl

I am fortunate to have a fulfilling (although stressful and anxiety inducing) career.  I am fortunate to have (as far as I know, lol) stability at my job.  AND!  I am fortunate to work at home (even outside of this global pandemic).  Not having to wake up super early to drive in the snow to some miserable little office with coworkers I hate is something I will be forever grateful for.  At home I get to wear what I want and most of the time it’s a cozy pair of leggings and a femme cardigan.  Every few weeks I do need to go into the office and put on boy clothes but at least I can still underdress.  

There’s no secret that I love my dresses and skirts and heels and stockings and lingerie and everything.  Love, love, love.  I love that I have something for almost any occasion I can think of.  Even if I don’t go to the club, I have dresses that would be perfect for clubbing.  I have dresses for Sunday brunch or a formal event or spending the day at the mall.  My absolute love and adoration of femme clothes (not that clothes are gendered but you know what I mean) is so strong that sometimes I feel I am in a paradox of whether or not I am trans because of the clothes or I wear what I wear because I am trans.  Regardless, I don’t fret over it tooooo much.

I am happy with being bi-gender.  I am comfortable and content when I present as a boy and I am confident and happy when I am en femme.  I don’t want to, nor have I ever felt that transitioning is the right journey for me.  I like going back and forth, as it were.  I don’t want to choose one gender to present as for the rest of my life.  

It’s fair to say that growing up I felt a LOT of jealousy towards the girls I went to school with as well as towards my sisters.  They were allowed to wear dresses to school, they could wear makeup, paint their nails, and countless other little things that I longed to do.  As my journey progressed I was able to create a wardrobe that I wanted, that was right for me.  If I need a day out en femme, I can take one.  I can scratch that itch, if you will.  This jealousy has subsided over time, it also diminished as my wardrobe grew and as Hannah spent time out in the real world.  

But jealousy still creeps in.  It often comes out of nowhere.  Well, perhaps not completely out of nowhere.  It can often subtly and progressively grow when I hear the click of someone else’s heels.

The other day I was out running errands in boy mode and I heard the unmistakable sound of high heels against the floor.  I turned my head and saw a woman wearing a pair of black patent heels, black stockings, paired with a skirt and blouse (God I sound like a creep).  She looked like she was on her way home from work.  Nothing remarkable, just someone running a quick errand at the end of the day.  The contrast I felt was significant.  I was in jeans, a big bulky winter coat, and hadn’t shaved my face in a few days.  Basically I was VERY MALE, and felt even more so compared to her.  It didn’t take long for jealousy to set in.  We all have to run errands, but if I have things to do I would much rather do them en femme.  I wondered how much fun it would be to be able to go to work en femme.  

I know I can work from home wearing whatever I want, but like running errands, if I had to spend the day in an office answering silly emails and attending meetings, I would much rather them do it in a cute pencil skirt.  Besides, I can’t go COMPLETELY en femme at work thanks to my team’s penchant for spontaneous Zoom meetings.

And yes, on some levels this is a fantasy.  I’m sure wearing heels and dressing up EVERYDAY isn’t as much fun as I think it might be.  But goodness, just once.  Just one time.  

I have done more en femme than I ever could have imagined.  I am blessed beyond my imagination.  There will always be more things I can do (such as flying pretty) but there will also be things that won’t happen, such as going into the office en femme.  And that’s okay.  I can live without it.  However, jealousy will always be a part of this part of me, and often that envy is just a few high heel clicks away.  

(And yes, I know this is all pretty shallow but there you have it.)

Love, Hannah

They Can’t Take That Away From Me

In case you haven’t noticed or are perhaps living under a rock, it’s the holiday season.  Even if you don’t celebrate or recognize any of the holidays that occur in December, it’s hard to not be impacted by them.  Work comes to a grinding halt, the shops are busier, and everyone is stressed.  It’s exhausting.  Life is exhausting in itself, and trying to simply exist in a global pandemic is on another level altogether.  But we must soldier on, apparently.  I feel we live in a world where we are told that self-care and rest are super important but we are subtly discouraged from doing that very thing.  

So many things in our lives are outside of our control.  Sometimes I feel like a beach ball that is just bounced back and forth between different life events, both small and significant.  Like trying to walk through a mall or an airport but you are walking against the crowd and therefore are being bumped into and jostled around.  But again, we keep going forward.  It would be almost inspiring if it wasn’t so tiring.

Although it doesn’t always feel this way, at my most optimistic moments I really, really think that the majority of people (a SLIM majority, I’m not THAT optimistic, lol) really want others to live the life they feel is right for them.  To be who they are, to identify how they feel, to wear whatever pleases them.  It doesn’t always feel this way because there is so much NOISE and discourse and even legislation that seeks to hurt us, whether it is politically, medically, or emotionally.  Although I present as male most of the time when I am outside of the house, it’s very possible Hannah could get into a car accident and have to be taken to the emergency room.  In some states it is the doctor’s right to refuse to treat me because I am (obviously) transgender.  That’s… that’s not right.

Most of us know that we are who we are and nothing can change that.  At one point we may have thought that we would grow out of our preference for wearing panties and would eventually start wearing boxers (ugh, why would ANYONE wear boxers?).  Perhaps we thought this was a phase.  Perhaps we thought we could control our desires, to deny who we are and simply… stop.  At various points in my life I honestly believed I could stop.  Looking back I see the futility and naivety of that thinking.  I couldn’t change who I was, and thank God I couldn’t.  I love who I am.  I love what I wear.

No matter how many laws are passed, and no matter how many nasty Facebook rants are posted about the trans community, none of that can or will change who I am.  Every person I know in my life could attend an anti-trans rally and yes, it would break my heart but even that can’t change what is in my closet.  Mean tweets and legislation are not written with the expectation of changing a trans person, they are meant to hurt us.  Conversion therapy isn’t designed to “cure” us (no matter what we are told), it is meant to punish us.  To scare us.  

As we push through the final days of the holiday season, many of us will attend family gatherings and see relatives we might typically avoid.  I have a few like that myself.  And because everyone is allowed to have their own opinion on, well, anything and everything (and everyone), it’s not surprising when someone we know (or related to) has a… perspective that is different from your own.  I work with people who think the trans community is filled with confused sinners.  I know people who think we are sick and perverted.  I am related to people who would vote to obliterate us off the face of the earth given a chance.  It is heartbreaking, to say the least.

Most of the world sees me as a cis gender male.  Most of my family knows me that way as well.  Hardly anyone I interact with knows about my gender identity.  I am, essentially, undercover.  Therefore a lot of people are not shy about sharing their opinion about trans people.  “Did you see that tranny?” is something I’ve heard from co-workers.  “Did you hear that (insert celebrity name here) is one of those, what-do-call-them, transgenders?”  is something I’ve overheard from a relative.  I visibly cringe when I hear that.  Do I ever (well, confront might not be the best word here but I’ll go with it) confront the person who said something so ignorant?  Of course.  I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t.  Even if I wasn’t trans I would still speak up.  But I also realize that it is pointless to have that conversation with some people.  I will never, ever convince my uncle that are more than two genders, so I don’t even try.  

If I was out to everyone and Hannah attended holiday events instead of me in male mode, perhaps these comments would stop.  OR! they would increase.  It’s hard to say.  Again, comments, tweets, Facebook posts are meant to HURT us, not change us.  Perhaps the people who write and say things like this know that we aren’t going anywhere, no matter how much they hope we will.  I know the same thing.  I am not going anywhere.  Nothing can stop me, whether it is a law or a cruel comment from a hateful relative, from being who I am.  I’ll always be trans, I’ll always wear a nightgown to bed, I’ll always wear panties, I’ll always have days when I dress to kill as I strut around the mall. Nothing can change who I am, or who you are. We can lose our rights, or access to medical care, our ability to legally change our gender, but they can’t take our identity.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

I have felt for a long time now that I am a woman trapped inside a man’s body and feel it`s time to unleash my feelings and experiment with a new chapter in my life and to release that real feminine lady into the world that I am craving to do. I am fully prepared and want to go down the road of taking hormones now and eventually surgery for full transition into a woman full-time.

I was wondering if you could please pass on any tips for someone such as me who wants to change gender and become a lady for the rest of my life.


The very first thing I would do is make an appointment with a therapist specializing in gender, and then I would make an appointment with your doctor.  Transitioning is a huuuuuuuuuge step and it’s important you take this journey under the appropriate care.

Doing ANYTHING for the first time, whether changing a tire, blending foundation, painting your nails, cooking a tricky meal, and of course, transitioning, all take small steps and I know this is a cliche, but anything worth doing is worth doing correctly.

I would also encourage you to seek out a support group. We need other like us in our lives.
Good luck!
Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

A Humble Thank You

Presenting en femme is empowering and absolutely humbling. There’s nothing like spending hours doing your makeup and putting on a new dress and feeling excited to see a gorgeous girl in the mirror…

And then it all falls apart. Our maleness stubbornly appears beneath our foundation, our masculine shoulders aren’t minimized by the pattern on the dress, and our boy feet are a LITTLE too big for our new heels.

This doesn’t happen all the time, but it has happened enough where I never will shake this feeling as I get ready. Even after all these years, now matter how often I dress up, I still wonder if I will see HIM or HER in the mirror.

This morning I am thinking about how this side of us can humble us. But I am also feeling humbled and grateful for YOU. For every subscriber, for every email, comment, my website generates.

When I started blogging I wondered if anyone would ever find, let alone read, what I wrote. I still smile every time I get notification of a comment or of a new subscriber. It’s nice to know people are connecting with what I write and think about. It makes me feel less alone when it comes to who I am, and more importantly, who WE are.

It’s also nice to get recognized by other bloggers, if I am being honest. A blog has to be well-written, it needs to provide content that readers connect with, and needs to be updated regularly. I just learned that this website made to it a few year-end lists which were ranked by traffic, social media followers, domain authority, and freshness.

I am number 21 on this year’s Top 100 transgender blogs!

I am number 11 on this year’s Top 50 Trans Woman Blogs and Websites!

I am number 15 on this year’s Top 60 Crossdressing Blogs and Websites!

Again, I am humbled by any sort of recognition, whether it is making it onto a list like these or having a new subscriber. I am proud to be on the same list as many other bloggers that I read and admire.

Thank you for visiting my site. I absolutely appreciate it.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

I have come out to my wife but she finds it hard to deal with, I feel I can dress up when she is out but I wonder if there is anything I can do to make it easier for her, It would be nice for her to accept me.

One of the most frustrating things about… well, life is that you can’t make someone accept something.   

Coming out to a partner or spouse as transgender or as a crossdresser (or really, anything other than gender you identified as when they first met you) is one of the most challenging and emotionally taxing thing one can do.  It will forever change your relationship.  FOREVER.  This revelation will change how they look at you and how they feel and think about you.  Your coming out will put their own life in a new light and it’s likely that a certain amount of fear and apprehension and even anger will develop.  

The anger is understandable.  This side of us is something that we ABSOLUTELY should have disclosed before the relationship became serious.  Someone’s spouse wearing panties or makeup or having a femme name is something most people aren’t expecting or mentally prepared for.  

I came out to my wife about a year after we started to date, and about a year before we moved in with each other.  It took her completely by surprise and our relationship was forever changed.  I did my best to reassure her, to explain who I was, who I wasn’t, and what I wanted.  Of course, what we want and who we are can change over time.  Fifteen years ago I identified as a crossdresser.  Today I identify as transgender or more specifically as bi-gender.  I have so many clothes.  So many heels.  I know so many makeup techniques.  My closet is completely different (and more fabulous) than it was the day I came out to her.  My gender identity evolved and changed over time.

And that is something that can terrify our partners.  When we come out we do our best to reassure them, to calm their fears that this side of us is all about underdressing or something small.  The fear can come from our partners wondering where THIS is all going.  Yes, today it’s all about panties under our boy clothes, but in five years could their husband want to start transitioning?  What happens then?  This uncertainty can be torture.  

And yes, I know we know who we are.  If we tell our partners we don’t want to transition, then we (probably) mean it or at least mean it at the time.  But again, gender identity can evolve.  I never thought I would have a femme name or ever leave the house in a dress, but… well, look at me now.  What has remained consistent is that I never felt I wanted to or needed to transition.  Ever.  I don’t anticipate ever taking those steps.  Could this change?  Yes, I suppose.  But I don’t think that’s likely.  Even from the start, even when I was very young, I never felt I had the wrong body or I was unhappy when I was a boy.  I don’t feel… empty or sad when I go back to boy mode.  I don’t feel anxiety or anything when I present as male.  I don’t feel when I am Hannah that I am “my true self”.  It’s just another side of me.  

As my girlfriend and later my wife built our life together, my gender identity was part of that.  Just like most couples should have the BIG conversations about finances, children, and expectations and needs that we have from our partners, we also had many conversations about my gender.  And in many of these conversations I did my best to reassure her that I didn’t want to ever transition or go beyond what my life is like now.  However, over time my life, my gender identity DID go beyond what I had at the time.  When I came out to her, it was allllll about panties and lingerie.  I didn’t want anything else.  But over time makeup, dresses, a femme name, and going out gradually manifested.  I was no longer “just” a crossdresser, I was, and I am, transgender.  

With each new “milestone”, whether it was learning makeup, getting a new pair of heels, or adopting a femme name, my wife naturally wondered (and in some cases feared) where THIS was going.  What was next?  It’s understandable that she thought that transitioning would be a conversation we would be having in the future.  When that would come up, I did my best to reassure her that I wasn’t feeling that I needed, or wanted, to live full-time.  But words were inadequate.  After all, at one point I told her that THIS was all about panties, and then one day, I had more dresses than anyone she knew.  

These days I don’t think my wife fears that I will transition.  I think she knows that I am happy with both of my gender identities.  I feel my journey is complete.  I think she sees that too.  She and I went through so much together when it comes to my gender identity.  It wasn’t easy for her.  I’m sure it was difficult for her to believe at times when I told her I didn’t want to transition when here I was, wearing a dress, makeup, heels, and a wig.  I’m sure words felt hollow at times.  

So, what changed?  How did this get “easier” for her?  I would never presume to speak for her, but I think time helped her.  Yes, in the two decades I’ve known her my gender identity and wardrobe has evolved compared to the night I came out to her, but really, my gender identity has been pretty much the same for the last ten.  Sure, Hannah has done a lot over the last decade, whether it’s been modeling or going out more often or starting the MN T-Girls, but HOW I identify hasn’t changed.  It took time for her to get used to this side of me, it took time for her to see I really didn’t want to transition.  It took time for her to see that my journey was completed.

Time and communication are what could help your wife.  Of course, YOU need to be honest with her.  Tell her the truth about what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and of course, what you’re wearing.  If she wants to attend couples counseling, then do so.  Give her what she needs.  Trust and respecting her boundaries are also crucial.  If you lie to her about what you’re feeling or what you’re wearing it’s likely she will doubt anything you tell her in the future.  I mean, if you lie about one thing, well, what else are you lying about?  Boundaries also need to be respected.  If she asks you don’t leave the house en femme or post photos online, well, don’t do it.  Respect her feelings, earn her trust.  What we ask of our partners when it comes to this side is HUGE.  It’s difficult for them.  

Yes, I know we have a need to express ourselves and to be faithful to our gender identity.  I know I do.  If you feel you need MORE than any established boundaries or requests when it comes to your dressing, then have that conversation.  This is one aspect where it is absolutely not better to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.  And if you do want more than what you have, you really, really need to prepare for the worst.  Some of our partners can live with their spouse wearing panties, but a dress or seeing their husband en femme is too much.  It crossed a line and it’s not something they want in their relationship.

Is this fair?  I don’t like to look at what is and what isn’t fair when it comes to this side of us.  YES, we all need to be able to live our truths and be who we are, but we also need to take responsibility for our gender identity.  Most of us know that there is… something about ourselves when it comes to our gender or at the very least, what we wear when no one else is looking.  It’s likely we knew about this side of us before we met the person we committed to.  And YES, I know this is easier said than done, but we absolutely should have disclosed this side of us before the relationship grew into a commitment, whether that was moving in with them or getting engaged or married.  We really, really need to lay our cards on the table with our partners about EVERYTHING.  Finances, gender, family, EVERYTHING.  

Just as our gender identity can change over time, we need to accept that our partner’s comfort and acceptance of this side of us can also change over time.  There may come a time when our partners just can’t live with this side of us anymore.  Again, this side of us is a lot to ask of our partners and people can have breaking points and are pushed too far, emotionally or mentally.  This could especially happen if you let this side of you dominate every aspect of your life and relationship.  As secure as I am with my marriage and as grateful for my wife’s acceptance, I also know that if I went out en femme every weekend, or dressed to the nines every time I was home, it might get to be too much for her.  My wife married a man, she married me, but if the person she married changed too much, well… let’s be honest, I wouldn’t be the person she married anymore.  It would be possible, and even understandable, if the relationship wasn’t something she felt was right for her anymore.  

One final thought.  We naturally want our partners to accept this side of us.  But something to consider is WHY we want that.  When I came out to my girlfriend I wanted her to accept me for two reasons.  The first was purely selfish.  I wanted to be able to wear panties and nightgowns and lingerie.  The second reason was I knew that her boyfriend (and later her husband) wearing panties would be stressful for her, to say the least.  I wanted her to be at the point where she accepted who I was so it wouldn’t stress her out, it wouldn’t torment her, it wouldn’t cause anxiety or fear.  As my gender identity evolved I also wanted her acceptance to, well, keep up with me.  Again, I felt this way for two reasons and the first was also selfish.  I wanted to dress up, wear makeup, and have a girls’ night in (or out) with her.  She’s my best friend and I wanted to live this side of me with my best friend.  The second reason was also the same… I knew that going from panties to a little black dress and stilettos and a wig was going to be next level for her as well.  I knew that this evolution and this part of my journey was going to be even more stressful and anxiety-inducing for her.  I don’t want my wife to be stressed, and I especially don’t want to be the one who triggers the stress she feels.  But I would be naive if I assumed my journey would be rainbows and sunshine for her.  It wasn’t.  I knew it wouldn’t be.

Love, Hannah

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