Author: Hannah

Hannah is a t-girl who blogs about advice, fashion and activism in the transgender communuity

Crossdressing for Fun and Profit

by Hannah

I like hobbies.

I like having things that I enjoy doing which give me a little break from my day to day life. In my boy life it could be reading or taking my dog for a walk. I like when other people have hobbies, too. Career ambitions are one thing, but I am more curious about the small things people enjoy.

Do you like to paint? Collect baseball cards? Play an instrument? Bake? Geocatch?

It’s these things that make us whole and in my opinion, make people interesting.

I do think we are in a culture where everything has to be a side hustle. Turning your hobby into a business venture, I suppose. If you paint, try to sell your art. Collect baseball cards? Find rare ones and sell them. Play guitar? Send your demo to producers. Aspiring drag performer? Upload a video to YouTube and hope RuPaul sees it. And so on.

Some people are led to believe that their hobby has to lead to fame or profit. This is stupid. A hobby is something that makes you happy. Putting pressure on yourself to find a way to make your passion profitable might run the risk of losing the joy that it brings you.

Your hobby shouldn’t stress you out. You shouldn’t look at your canvas and feel anxious about how creating art isn’t making you famous or rich.

We need things in our lives that are completely free of outside pressure. Things that bring joy shouldn’t bring stress or a feeling of obligation.

To clarify, baking, painting, playing an instrument does indeed take work. Practice makes progress, after all. But the work should be satisfying. There should be an element of joy as you try and as you make mistakes and as you learn from them. It shouldn’t FEEL like work, even if it IS work.

Your hobby doesn’t HAVE to be profitable. While it’s true that sometimes one’s passion does indeed turn into a career. And how amazing would that be? Of course, it could lead to feeling like your hobby is, well, an obligation. All of sudden you’ve gone from uploading videos of you playing guitar to being a part of the the music business and working with managers and producers and the like. You spend more time talking to your lawyer than you do playing.

And then you need a new hobby, I suppose.

Crossdressing/femme presentation ISN’T a hobby. It’s who I am. BUT in some ways my gender identity is similar to one. Something that makes me very happy, something that I invest time and energy and money into. It’s not unlike investing a lot of money into a fancy fishing pole or what have you.

In some ways I feel that this side of me has created… hm, obligations in my life.

And that happens. Sometimes something that brings you happiness can lead to stress and responsibilities. It’s not unlike a hobby turning into a job. If you paint and someone commissions you for art, then you are obligated to create something… even if you don’t feel like painting.

When I started a website a million years ago, I knew that I would need to commit to it. I would need to put effort into what I posted and I would need to keep a consistent and regular schedule. I couldn’t just update once or twice a month.

This is not throwing shade at bloggers who don’t update regularly. This takes a lot of energy and time. It’s not easy.

When I started the MN T-Girls ten years ago I knew I was trying to create something important. It needed dedication. Having support groups for transwomen was important and if I wanted to start one I would need to commit to it. I couldn’t flake out on it.

To clarify, Hannah ISN’T an obligation. Her group, her website, her modeling, her writing, IS. I am fortunate to have the T-Girls, a website, and photo shoots but I knew that these would be things I would need to commit to.

(However, in a way, we need to nurture and acknowledge our femme side… we should consider ourselves, our gender identity/identities as important.)

As the years have flown by and as the things I commit to grow, I spend time en femme doing things that are indeed work. When Hannah started to leave the safety of the living room I would be at a mall or a museum. When I started the MN T-Girls, my outings en femme expanded to meeting up with the girls. When I started to model, my time en femme sometimes meant photo shoots.

And to be clear I love love love spending time with the T-Girls. I love photo shoots. I am so lucky to have a group like this. I am so lucky to have the opportunities that modeling gives. Photo shoots are so fun.

And.

They are things I commit to. I can’t bail on meeting up with the T-Girls because I am feeling lazy. I can’t cancel a photo shoot for En Femme because I made other plans.

Backing out impacts other people. Canceling a T-Girl event would likely disappoint a girl that was looking forward to it. Canceling a photo shoot impacts my photographer financially AND leaves En Femme in the lurch.

I have canceled T-Girl events, to be clear. One time was for a blizzard and we took two short hiatuses during the early days of COVID.

I imagine there will be times in the future when I DO have to cancel something (an event or a photo shoot) for a sudden, personal reason but thankfully that hasn’t happened yet. As committed as I am to the T-Girls and my partnerships, my wife always comes first.

As ambitious and as busy as I am, I do feel lazy sometimes. I look forward to weekends that have minimum commitments. My day job can be stressful and exhausting and I am often working up to sixty hours a week. That’s a lot! It’s nice to look forward to a Saturday with nothing planned.

But Hannah might have plans.

And to be clear, they are always super fun plans. Meeting the T-Girls! Photo shoot! Shopping! Makeover!

And.

These plans always have an element of work with them. Organizing a T-Girl event doesn’t just happen. Photo shoots take an insane amount of planning and coordinating. And! There’s a… process when it comes to femme presentation. This usually begins the night before when I shave. Everywhere.

EVERYWHERE.

The morning of a femme day usually starts early. The alarm yells at me and I quickly have to remember what I’m doing that day, whether it’s work or needing to shovel the driveway (again) or glam up for pictures. I’ll have a coffee while I respond to emails or scroll through Twitter and once the mug is empty, I usually sit for a moment.

And I admit sometimes that a lazy day sounds, well, nice.

I think about everything that the day is going to require… from cinching up my corset to getting dressed to going to my makeup appointment to the photo studio to the wardrobe changes…

And I am tired all over again.

BUT to be clear, I am also excited. I do not take my life for granted.

Listen.

I know some of the things that I do are things that many of us dream about. They are the things that I used to dream about. And I still do. I do not want it to sound like I am complaining… because I am not.

Once I pour that second cup of coffee and turn on a little music and begin to get dressed the excitement is automatic. Again I think about everything that the day is going to require… from cinching up my corset to getting dressed to going to my makeup appointment to the photo studio to the wardrobe changes… and the thrill once again awakens. And that thrill is loud.

My femme side makes me so happy. Doing what I do makes me so happy. Although the things Hannah does, the things Hannah commits to, are indeed work, they have never taken away the absolute joy and bliss her life brings.

Some people are hesitant to monetize their hobby, their passion, lest they lose the joy they gain from it. Totally understandable. Again, there’s a difference between things that are work AND things that feel like work. Hannah’s life IS work but there’s an absolute happiness in it.

And to be clear, Hannah’s life is not profitable. Not in the slightest. The expenses related to a shoot, whether it’s my makeover, studio rental, and payment to my photographer all outweigh any paycheck I have ever received.

Thankfully all the energy and money and time that has gone into everything my life “requires” it has never even come close to feeling like work.

Love, Hannah

It’s Fun to Lose and to Pretend, She’s Over-Bored and Self-Assured

by Hannah

One thing I like about photo shoots is wearing an outfit that is pure fantasy. It could be a sissy dress or lingerie or, well, essentially anything that I wouldn’t wear running errands. I like strutting out of my comfort zone even if I am scared to death.

Clothes can send a message. An outfit can project confidence, it can be reflective of one’s personality or character.

Or clothes can be a costume. They can simply fun to wear without them MEANING anything.

Sometimes I will tweet a picture of me wearing a very sweet pink dress. That will usually trigger emails and messages from men who are, ah, attracted to the idea of… um, the dumb sissy bimbo girl.

And for girls who enjoy that fantasy, please know I am not kink-shaming anyone.

When I get messages from men who respond to pictures like that, they are usually telling (not asking) me I should be their little sex slave or whatever.

First of all, no.

Second of all, a photo or an outfit is not necessarily representative of intention or desire. Regardless of what a girl is wearing, there always needs to be consent. You might THINK or WISH or HOPE I am playing as a dumb sissy bimbo girl but you sure as hell better check to make sure.

I used to tell people who messaged me that no, I wasn’t into the sissy/slut/what have you “lifestyle” and I certainly am not going to sleep with them. It was important that I wasn’t misunderstood. Again, a photo isn’t an invitation to get sexually charged messages.

And YES, I KNOW. “That’s what happens when you post pictures like that.” It IS what happens but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay. People can stop making the choice to send emails or commenting in a certain way. Manners, decorum, consent, these things matter.

Over the years I have modeled and reviewed clothes and lingerie that left to my own devices I wouldn’t have chosen to wear. I mean, I’ve modeled pants for goodness sake (turns out I loved them and I loved how I looked, so there’s that…). I have become accustomed to not becoming emotionally attached to an outfit. What I mean is that I can wear something for a photo shoot, whether for a review or for fun and not overthink what “message” the outfit could potentially send.

I just have fun. For once in my life I am not overthinking.

I tend to wear a lot of leather and shiny clothes. I love how they look and I love the utter power and confidence that they project.

BUT I am also aware of how some people may extract a message I am not sending. If I wear a tight leather dress AND if I intend to convey SOMETHING, that conveyance is essentially complete security of how I feel about myself. My self-assurance is through the roof.

Listen.

Tall girls stand out. T-girls stand out. A leather dress in line at a coffee shop stands out.

All three?? Giiiiirl….

Please understand.

Saying I stand out is not me thinking OMG I AM SO PRETTY EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT ME. No. It’s more like… I am tall, I am a t-girl, I am wearing a certain outfit… I am not bothering to even try to blend in.

Here I am, world.

Also, my gender presentation is NOT a costume, although what I WEAR might be a costume. What I mean is that I will sometimes wear an outfit that SEEMS to represent who I am, but in reality is all in fun. A pink, frilly, lacey dress does not mean I am a dumb sissy bimbo girl.

The opposite (if such a term is appropriate) is also true. Leather, sky-high stilettos, fishnets do not indicate I am a dominant bitch who is thrilled at the idea of men serving me.

But goodness, aren’t clothes fun? Whether it’s a thigh high platform boot or a pencil skirt I am absolutely in love with what we can wear. Clothes can tell a story… even if the story isn’t true.

Case in point, this photo set.

At least that was the intention.

A common fantasy is a girl wearing very cute lingerie under a long coat. I thought it would be fun to do a shoot that, well, told a story. A girl in a long coat and then revealing not only a sexy outfit… but also her intentions.

Is this my fantasy? That wasn’t the point. This set was about a costume, it was about telling a tiny story, so to speak. It was a peek into my psyche or my daydreams. Not at all.

Ultimately this set didn’t work out how I wanted it to. But that was my fault. Shannonlee shot these pictures at our last shoot after we filmed our videos for En Femme. We had about twenty minutes left before our time in the studio was up… and I was exhausted. I didn’t have time mentally to, well, get into character, so to speak. I had spent over two hours talking about gender identity and femme presentation… important stuff. To make that shift to make-believe was a little abrupt. It required getting out of my comfort zone and honestly? I didn’t have it in me.

So, here are a few pictures from this session. We will reshoot this idea at a future shoot when we have more time to do, well, the outfit justice so to speak. Do I like these pictures? Um. I look tired and I was. I tried to look dominating, I tried to look… disinterested, if that makes sense. I think part of playing the role (and I am playing a role in an outfit like this) of a domme is looking bored with a groveling man before her.

But as I’ve learned (but apparently keep forgetting) that me, well, not-smiling, usually doesn’t work out the way I think it will.

At any rate, I hope you like these shots or at the very least, you like this little look into a failed creative vision that was hampered by exhaustion and a ticking clock.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I am a sweet MTF female, and love it! But I live in a very conservative, and rural setting, and there is really no one here I can find who thinks as I do. I love skirts, dresses, and other feminine clothing, and I also adore the thought of having a man in my life. I would adore being a wife. How can I find a man to fall in love with?

I have absolutely NO idea how to find someone. I have been happily married for a long time and given what the dating scene looks like these days I thank God I don’t have to navigate that.

Dating sites? Dating apps? I have no idea.

If you live somewhere that you feel is not as… welcoming to the LGBTQ+ community, you may need to consider a larger, more progressive city.

Sorry I couldn’t be more help. Stay safe!

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Super Fun AND Super Serious

by Hannah

I tend to look at gender in two very different ways.

Gender identity and gender presentation is super fun.

Gender identity and gender presentation are super serious things.

And yes these perspectives and opinions do seemingly contradict each other.

I get emails quite often from people who are in the early days of acknowledging that their gender isn’t as black and white (or as blue and pink) as they thought it was.

And this realization is quite vexing and frightening to them. It’s normal for this acceptance to cause a lot of overthinking, self-analysis, and anxiety.

What does this mean? What should I do? What am I? Who am I?

These questions are normal. And expected. And honestly? Likely unanswerable at this part of one’s journey.

When I get an email from someone who is clearly overwhelmed and confused by their realization that they don’t always want to wear trousers or the color blue or what have you, they are usually very lost. It’s not unlike waking up in a land that is completely new and you have no idea how to navigate this world.

I am asked questions in these emails about identity and labels and like I mentioned earlier, these questions are likely unanswerable at this point. The sender doesn’t have the answers and I don’t either.

I feel honored that I am asked a question that is so personal. I am grateful for the trust that this person is putting into me. They are likely at one of the most life-changing moments in their life.

It’s a new world, baby.

So, what do I tell the person who is asking questions that don’t have an answer (yet)?

I tell them to have fun.

Buy that dress. Sleep in that nightgown. Wear that cute bra and panty set.

This response is a little surprising for some, I think. And I don’t mean to come off as discounting their very serious questions. My thinking is that they have accepted that there is more to them than they ever imagined. I feel that they have started to become who they are and although the path ahead will not always be easy, it will be filled with pretty clothes and moments that make them happier than they ever imagined.

Essentially I am suggesting that they stop fighting these feelings, and, well, give it to them.

Buy that dress. Sleep in that nightgown. Wear that cute bra and panty set.

And then? See where this goes. Try not to overthink. Try not to overanalyze. One step at a time. Slip into those stilettos and see how it feels. Does it feel right? Do they make you happy?

You don’t have to completely cannonball into the pool of femme presentation. I am not suggesting that someone has to empty their bank account and buy a wig and breast forms and makeup because honestly those aspects of presentation aren’t right for everyone.

Start small and see where this goes. Baby steps, baby.

I tell them not to get too in the weeds with labels. It’s not for someone else to decide if you are a crossdresser or non-binary or agender or transgender or anything else. Besides, the word you identify with will likely change and evolve over time.

I feel this response is a little unexpected to them. It’s a seemingly casual response to a question that is Very Big and Very Serious. But I feel discovering yourself and acknowledging who you are is, well, I think it’s a lot of fun. It’s an adventure.

Burdening yourself with labels and what all of this means and where this is all going will overwhelm someone. And I know I overthink all the time and I sound a little hypocritical here but overanalyzing our identity will, well, take away the natural realization of who we are.

We don’t have to figure this side of us out right away. We have our whole lives ahead of us to do that. For now, enjoy the journey. Take in the sights. Take your time.

On the flip side, I’ll get emails from people who are full steam ahead. Usually these emails are a little jarring, equivalent to a car going from zero to a zillion miles an hour. Most of these messages are along the lines of “I’ve always wanted to try crossdressing and now I want to be a full-time girl!”.

No exaggeration.

It’s not unlike someone saying “I’ve always wanted to eat pasta so I am packing my suitcase and moving to Italy!”

Girl, slooooow down.

You want to try crossdressing? Okay, cool. Buy a pair of panties. Paint your nails. Go from there. Making the jump from never wearing “girl clothes” to living full time is incredibly hasty.

To further the travel metaphor a bit, when I was in high school I wanted more than anything to live in downtown Chicago. It just seemed COOL. And then I went to Chicago. And although Chicago is amazing and beautiful I realized that…. mm, maybe living in the heart of a bustling metropolis isn’t for me. I was glad I figured that out before I did anything.

Anyway, when someone messages me about wanting to take estrogen and living full-time I tell them that they should seek out a therapist that specializes in gender and to talk to their doctor.

And honestly? I think it’s the last thing they expect me to say.

To be clear, I don’t mean to kill their enthusiasm. Not at all. BUT transitioning is likely the biggest decision someone can make in their lives and it’s one that I feel needs the guidance and care that medical and psychiatric professionals should be guiding you through.

Besides, if you’ve never “tried” crossdressing how on earth do you know that you want to medically/legally change your gender or gender presentation? What if you don’t like it? What if the first time you slip into a dress you realize that MAYBE femme presentation isn’t for you? AND! what if this IS all about clothes? AND! gender presentation and gender identity doesn’t always mean one has to, well, choose a gender. I mean, I don’t feel I need to pick a gender to live as for the rest of my life. I’m bi-gender, I’m good with whatever.

Sometimes I get a little pushback from people who tell me they want to be a girl. Like, why so serious? Isn’t it fun to wear dresses and makeup? To be clear, yes, it is. But be realistic. Being a girl isn’t just about clothes. You don’t have to transition to wear a skirt. If someone is going to transition, I feel it should be for reasons that are more than just wanting a certain wardrobe.

I suppose I could summarize my perspective like this: discovering who you are should be fun. Deciding on a major life change should be taken seriously.

Love, Hannah

Makeovers and Shopping!

by Hannah

This past weekend was the monthly MN T-Girls event and it was a return to one of the more popular events… makeup lessons and personal shopping!

We were treated like queens at Cos Bar in Edina, Minnesota. This was our second visit to Cos Bar and it was absolutely a treat to be back. Makeup is one of the most intimidating and, well, effective aspects of femme presentation and moments like these are simply amazing for the group.

Part of the intimidation is the shopping itself. We were lucky to have a private, after-hours event so we could shop in a comfortable environment. Just t-girls… how amazing is that??

The evening was a mixture of makeup techniques and shopping with talented and super fun makeup artists to find the right foundations and lipstick shades.

I was so happy to spend the evening with friends and makeup artists. Is there a better way to enjoy a Saturday night?

Thank you to the lovely ladies at Cos. If you need a makeover or need help shopping, please pay them a visit.

Love, Hannah

Hello, I’m Hannah McKnight

by Hannah

How many times on this website have I written the words “life is about_______”. Life is about a LOT of things so I suppose it’s not surprising that I use (and overuse) this phrase a lot.

Anyway, part of being ALIVE is knowing that you’ll probably be humbled at different points of your life in a few different ways. It is not always a bad thing to be taken down a peg or two. Speaking for myself I know I definitely need this to happen on occasion.

And although when this occurs I tend to get defensive or bitchy and it brings out the worst in me, I am usually and reluctantly in agreement of being reminded that I although I might excel at something on occasion that I am not flawless.

A few years ago in therapy I worked on the extreme swings of feeling like I was queen (or king) of the world and feeling like I was the worst person alive. These feelings were prevalent in all aspects of my life/lives… whether it was my femme world or my career or hobbies or relationship.

Therapy, perspective, medication, and time helped modulate this. And I am thankful for this. Keeping my ego in check is healthy AND being able to bounce back from a bad day or a disappointment has helped me with everything.

Sometimes a reality check can stem from being humbled. Falling flat on one’s face (whether metaphorically or otherwise) can be humiliating but sometimes it pushes your ego down a few notches.

Of course, sometimes a fall is just a fall and not a life lesson but sometimes you’re reminded that God or life has a sense of humor.

How many times have I strut through a mall thinking I was The Most Beautiful Girl in the World only to catch my reflection and see HIM staring back at me? How many times have I prided myself on my skill in stilettos only to trip?

On my best days I laugh and tell my ego to calm down a little when these things happen.

You can’t live a life without mistakes. The more you do, the more new things you attempt, the more often you go out of your comfort zone the more likely you will stumble. It happens. It is inevitable. They could be big mistakes or a zillion small ones, but try not to expect flawless results when you do anything… whether it’s something new or something you’ve done countless times.

Every person reading this knows the challenges with this side of us. How many times have we thrown down a makeup brush in frustration when we just couldn’t blend our foundation the right way? How many stockings have we run? How many times have we screamed because our eyeshadow and eyeliner is perfection on one eye but a complete disaster with the other?

Oh I could go on.

The only way to avoid these moments is to never pick up makeup or pretty clothes. Ever. No matter how much time passes I know I will struggle with some aspect of my transformation. I might have a day where I just can’t hook my bra for some reason or I run three stockings or my hand shakes when I apply my lipstick.

We’re going to have off days. And we’re going to have days when we soar.

I have to remind myself of all of this whenever I do ANYTHING… whether it’s something new or something I’ve done every day for years… or something that I do en femme that I can do blindfolded or without a second thought in boy mode.

Case in point:

I work in education and I’ve been put on the spot in meetings or whatever countless times to chat about something. I’ve been asked at the last minute to take over someone’s presentation at my college’s orientation or what have you. And sure, easy. I am somewhat comfortable with public speaking and I’ve done it pretty often.

But it’s a new world with Hannah.

With my website I can write and rewrite and replace words or edit something, even after it’s posted. In the real world Hannah’s interactions are either small talk with a cashier or chit-chat with a friend. Easy-peasy.

I knew doing videos wasn’t going to be like that. And it terrified me. I knew it would be humbling. A photo doesn’t show my movement, you can’t hear my voice, or how quickly I speak. I would need to be spontaneous and relaxed (which are not words ANYONE I know would use to describe me).

I was, and am, terrified I will disappoint or underwhelm En Femme, to be honest. I am excited for this new project in our partnership but I don’t want to let them down. These videos rely on the technology cooperating and my performance, I suppose. Everything needs to work, everything needs to click.

Thank God Shannonlee is there. Doing anything with a professional takes the pressure off. Doing anything with a friend keeps it fun.

Life is about (see? Here’s that phrase again) bouncing back from an error and being able to laugh at yourself. When I do stumble in heels I get embarrassed but I do think it’s a little funny and my ego goes back to normal.

I think it’s good for me to humble myself, to be honest. To put my feelings and thoughts out there that remind me that I am not perfect. Not that I think I am perfect, mind you. But I think it’s important to remind myself that I am human and I’m going to make a lot of mistakes. It’s okay to post a photo if I really like it, BUT it’s also okay to post something that is flawed or a disaster. I suppose it’s not unlike a peek behind the curtain of the creative process.

It’s not a bad thing (for me, anyway) to intentionally humble myself. Sometimes to prove a point I will post a picture that I feel is, well, not my best. Maybe it helps other? I get very nice emails saying very nice things about my picture or my presentation but I also have hundreds of photos on my laptop that are…horrendous. We all start somewhere and my early photos are examples of that. I am not a beauty queen and my presentation didn’t just happen… it took years. Time, patience, and money, remember?

When Shannonlee and I started filming last week I had no idea how these videos would turn out. Annnd I didn’t want to, lol. Sometimes creation is ugly. Sometimes you feel creating something decent is impossible when you are up to your neck in the process. During the shoot I would look at a clip that we shot and it was… well, humbling. Part of me wanted to scrap everything and rethink and redo it all. Part of me wanted to quit.

But we soldiered on.

Yesterday I uploaded most of what we shot and with a wish and a prayer I hoped that En Femme would be happy with what they have to work with. But honestly? If we do need to reshoot I am happy to do so. Shannonlee learned a ton from this shoot and I honestly think the next videos will be better. I am more excited than ever now that the first session is out of the way.

As I said, I need to intentionally put myself in situations where I know it’s not my best work OR I’m opening the door to criticism. So! Here’s a short clip of what we shot that day. I don’t think this will be used in the final video but it’s very much behind the scenes and one of the first things we filmed that day.

So that’s my voice and my constant fidgeting.

What do you think?

Love, Hannah

In Which I Learn I am Bad at Financial Domination

by Hannah

So! Consent is sexy and necessary.

Usually when we think of consent we think of it in terms of sex. If people are going to have sex with each other then everyone involved needs to be willing (and hopefully eager).

But consent isn’t necessarily limited to two or more people in a physical or intimate way.

Consent is, in a way, agreeing to play a role in something that is sexually or physically or emotionally or psychologically pleasing to someone else.

Consent needs to be given when it comes to a fetish or a kink as well.

Let’s talk about the obvious examples. If you enjoy your partner being tied up during intimacy, then of course that person has to consent to that.

If you like wearing lingerie in the bedroom, your partner needs to be, well, on board with that. What I mean is that a lot of us like to wear something sexy during sexy time. BUT many of us have partners who may support and accept this side of us, but have asked us to leave our lingerie in our wardrobe during sex.

Many fetishes and kinks are, well, obvious. If your partner asks you to, oh, I don’t know, wear a certain outfit in the bedroom it’s likely pretty clear what arouses them. Some girls know that their man likes it when they wear a schoolgirl skirt or a French Maid dress… but she shouldn’t wear something that she doesn’t want to. She still needs to give her consent to fulfill a request.

Buuut some kinks aren’t very obvious at all. There are things that some people like that don’t seem arousing in the slightest. Some guys are very turned on by feet or watching girls smoke or a few other things that we don’t need to talk about lol.

I have no interest in analyzing someone’s fetish. I do know that it’s just how someone is wired. I know that people have their “thing” and that’s really all I want to know. It is what it is.

And a side note: some people have a kink that although it makes them very stimulated they don’t like having it as a kink. If that makes sense.

There are a lot of kinks out there and just when I think I’ve heard all of them I am unwillingly introduced to a new one.

Humiliation is a BIG kink for a lot of people. I don’t really know why. Again, I don’t wish to know why.

I get a lot of messages/DMs/emails/what have you. Some men tell me what they would like me to do them and they usually fall into the kinkiness sort. They want me to tie them up or walk on them or spit on them or whatever. I am obviously not going to do any of that. Logistically these requests make no sense. I mean, this person lives on the other side of the planet. Do they think I am going to pack my stilettos and hop on a plane so I can let them lick my feet?

God.

Although I don’t spend any time trying to figure out why someone is wired the way they are, sometimes I, well, I get it. Like I get why someone is aroused by a girl in leather. Leather is sexy AF, as they say. But humiliation? Mm, not so much.

I don’t know why some men like being treated like garbage but I DO know that I don’t want to know why.

I also know that being dominated is very appealing to some. Being ordered to do something and the like. And that’s fine. Again, that scenario needs every participant to be willing.

Buuut sometimes someone can get pulled into someone else’s kink without knowing. And without their consent.

After a great deal of hesitation and reluctance, I set up an Amazon Wishlist. It took some time to overcome the guilt I always feel when someone gives me a gift or even does something nice for me. Accepting a present from my wife is hard enough as it is… a complete stranger? Goodness.

For a long time I resisted doing this. So, what changed? I tried to look at this in a different way. I LIKE giving gifts. I LIKE doing things for people. It’s super fun. After a few years of people asking to do something for Hannah I realized that they likely feel the same joy that I do when I do something nice for someone.

So I bit the bullet and felt incredibly shallow and superficial and guilty and a few other nasty emotions. Like, who am I to ask for things? Could I be any more arrogant?

With an enormous amount of hubris I shared the link on Twitter. Annnnd over the last few weeks I’ve been given a very cute dress, stockings, and other items.

And goodness that guilt came in hard and fast. I don’t always process emotions well when it comes to gratitude and I don’t feel like I deserve anything. I mean, I feel my life is amazing and more than I deserve. I feel what I have, not only in what is in my closet but also with the people that I know, are more than I could have dreamed of.

I like words and I feel I write somewhat decently but I just can’t find a way to say thank you in a sufficient way to someone who does something nice for me. I ask people why they bought me something and they tell me that they just wanted to do something nice for me… either out of admiration or gratitude.

And of course, people admiring me or being grateful to me opens up a completely new box of guilt.

Posting the wish list has also opened up the world of findomme to me.

Unwillingly.

What is findomme? According to UrbanDictionary it is defined as a Woman who practices Financial Domination. Not to be confused with a sex-worker, this Person receives cash from a money slave because they both enjoy the fetish Financial Domination. The two may never meet in real life.

So! Very fetishy and and very sexual. Not my cup of tea at all.

Sharing the wish list has been… misinterpreted by some. I’ve had people wanting to buy me something (and once I’ve gotten over the guilt) I’ll share the link. Sometimes they respond with verbiage along the lines of being… hm, aroused at the idea of me ordering them to buy me a pair of stilettos.

Annnnd that’s when I shut them down. I am not ordering or commanding a complete stranger to do anything.

I mean, if someone wants to buy me something that’s one thing. But if that person is turned on by it? Ah…. no.

Look. I get that there are fetishes which I don’t understand and I get that some people like the idea of serving someone and are turned on by it, but like any kink, it requires the willing participation of everyone involved.

Consent, baby.

And to be clear, I am not shaming anyone. If you practice findomme, wonderful. If you are aroused by buying someone something, again, I am not kinkshaming you. Promise.

But I don’t want a complete stranger to buy me something if they are imagining themselves as a slave or that I am “commanding” them to do so. I get that this dynamic is out there but that dynamic requires both people to be onboard.

Consent, baby.

I am not going to demand a complete stranger to drop hundreds of dollars on a dress for me. The guilt I would feel would be overwhelming. I feel that I would be exploiting someone’s kink.

Besides, I am realizing that I would be horrible at findomme. I can be pretty bitchy at times but I don’t feel I AM a bitch. Some man asked me to share my wishlist and I did. I told him that if he did indeed buy something off of it to please tell me so I could thank him.

He responded that thanking him “ruins” it for him. I guess he gets aroused by doing something nice for someone and being ignored? Again, being treated like garbage is hot for some.

He didn’t buy me anything and since I realized that this was a kink for him I was glad he didn’t. I don’t want to receive a gift if doing that is erotic to them. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I suppose the point to all this is just when I feel I have a somewhat decent grasp on life I get introduced (in this case unwillingly) to a whole new kink. I am flawed at many things and it was kind of funny to realize I am also bad at findomme. If you buy me something I WILL thank you. Sorry?

Love, Hannah

Video Killed the Blogging Star

by Hannah

So… this weekend Shannonlee and I shot our first two videos for the En Femme series called “Help Me Hannah”.

Anyway, do you ever stand in male mode in front of the mirror, with your makeup spread out all over the counter and your outfit for the day hanging up behind you? And you start to wonder how this is going to go? What is this going to look like?

Goodness I know that feeling. I have that feeling every time I am at the precipice between BOY and GIRL. My middle aged male self is staring back at me, almost taunting me. How are you going to turn THIS into HER?

Like going on a quest, you have to get help from others and you need to prepare. Frodo didn’t go alone, after all.

My armor is a corset and a dress. My companions are my makeup artist and photographer. With their help I can rid my mirror of masculinity.

…where was I going with this?

Everything new we do in life, especially en femme, is an adventure outside of our comfort zone. Much of the hesitation we have when we do this is unknowing what will happen or how things will turn out. We fear the unknown, we fear failure.

I am very glad I have taken the chances I have. Whether it was taking the chance of when I started the MN T-Girls or contacted various designers for modeling opportunities or booking a professional photo shoot. All of these chances led to amazing moments that have enhanced my life. Even going out of the house en femme was, and still is, a huge step.

But they all have been with a huge amount of hesitation, fear, and trepidation… all rooted in not knowing how things will turn out.

This past weekend was very much like that. When Shannonlee and I arrived at the studio to shoot the videos we were both about to embark on something new. Between the open suitcase filled with clothes and various audio recording gear spread out on a counter it was a little overwhelming and intimidating.

Doing something new is always easier with a friend and I’m glad that these new projects are another opportunity to work with her. Her honesty and feedback and friendship, along with her photographer’s eye is a blessing.

With the ring light charged and the microphone snapped onto her camera, we bit the bullet and dived in.

We recorded, re-recorded, started over, started again. We laughed, I tripped over my words, I babbled, I went off-script, tried again, and again and again.

I wanted to, more or less, adapt my writings into video presentation. But my fear was, and is, not knowing how if I could do it. You know, the fear of not knowing how something will turn out. I tend to be a very careful writer (but I still make spelling errors and grammatical mistakes). I write, I edit, I rewrite, I start over. When I speak, I try to speak slowly as I am trying to choose my words carefully so I can avoid not being misunderstood. I am not always very spontaneous and it’s sometimes hard to know where I am going when I start talking.

I had an outline of what I wanted to say and the points I wanted to make. I didn’t want to come off as if I was reading cue cards or anything like that. I wanted to appear genuine and sincere. I wasn’t trying for perfection, I expected a few ums and ahs and that’s okay.

I am not sure how many minutes of video we shot. I have no idea how the editor will work her magic with what we filmed. But I’ve also wondered how my makeup artist will work with what I bring her and I’ve also wondered how Shannonlee will be able to get a decent photo of me.

Working with professionals is amazing. I love seeing talented people take something and turn it into something beautiful and amazing. It’s like watching a chef turn a pile of ingredients into a delicious meal or an artist taking paint to a canvas.

I was more relaxed than I thought I would be but I am still wrought with anxiety. What if the microphone didn’t work as well as it should have? What if every minute we filmed is unusable? What if I spoke too quickly?

I am trying not to overthink. This is a learning process.

One of the unknowns about all of this was whether or not I would enjoy doing these things. And I did! More than I thought I would. I learned what went well and what didn’t and I have ideas for the next one.

I’ve no idea when the videos will be posted but I promise I’ll be sure to tell you. Just be gentle with your feedback. 🙂

Love, Hannah

Man, It’s So Loud In Here

by Hannah

Yesterday was the monthly MN T-Girls event and we went to Lush for drag bingo.

And it was super fun!

Drag bingo is exactly what you think it is. Well, maybe. I can’t read your mind. Essentially it’s bingo with a fabulous queen calling out the numbers. Our host was Nikki Vixxen and she was amazing.

I am not much of a nightclub girl and I had forgotten how loud they can be. I suppose I am getting older, lol.

Although none of us won at bingo, we all won at looking super cute.

Love, Hannah

Live from Minneapolis, it’s Hannah McKnight

by Hannah

“Do something each day that scares you”.

Or something. I think that’s the maxim. It might be an actual quote that is attributed to someone or just something someone said and the person we can attribute it to has been lost to time.

Anyway.

I have been thinking about doing videos for a while. What held me back, at least initially, is my lack of technical prowess. I know there are editing programs and the like and I am sure googling “how to make videos” would tell me everything I need to know. But honestly? I think doing videos would take a lot of time… not something I have oodles of.

I had mentioned doing videos a few years here and someone emailed volunteering to edit and produce them. It was kind of them but as we communicated back and forth I had the impression that they were, well, a little flaky. I didn’t get the impression that the collaboration would work.

They also had, ah, a different idea as to what kind of videos they wanted me to create.

If I were to do anything, be it a video or another project, I need to make sure that the other person could, well, keep up with me. It’s also imperative that they are on the same page as me in terms of what we are creating. I am so fortunate to work with, and be friends with, my photographer Shannonlee. Not only do we have a lot of fun doing photo shoots but we also work really well with each other.

But the final and definitive nail in the video coffin was, well, a video that Shannonlee and I shot a few years ago. We were doing a shoot for a review and we were asked to take some short clips of me walking in some of the outfits. Aaaand I HATED how they turned out.

So, that was that.

For a while, anyway.

When 2022 crawled it’s way to the finish line and the optimism and potential of a new year glowed in the distance, I felt a little… ambitious.

And a little restless.

I don’t normally take time off from my job but with the end of year holidays I was, well, forced to. So I had time to unwind and take a break from a my demanding career. The absence of stress allowed a feeling of ambition to grow and vibrate inside me. I was feeling like… well, doing something new.

Something that terrified me.

It was in this perfect storm of restlessness and ambition that En Femme asked me to film a series of videos for their website.

And I said YES.

They have asked in the past but I always said no. Although they will handle all of the technical stuff I resisted because I was super cringed out by the video I mentioned earlier.

But I said YES.

The video series will touch on different aspects of femme presentation. How to have a bra fitting, different tucking garments, things along those lines. We have quite a few ideas and plans but if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them.

We shoot our first videos tomorrow and I am terrified.

But isn’t that what I wanted? 😉

Love, Hannah