Three Links

by Hannah

Hi! I appreciate it when someone sends a link my way that they think we would be interested in. Sometimes it’s a link to another t-girl’s website or a new place to buy lingerie, a story in the news I missed, or resources that help us in other ways.

I’d like to pass on three sites I think are crucial to our community. If you know of any others that are helpful, please let me know.


Trans Lifeline

Trans Lifeline is a grassroots hotline and microgrants non-profit organization offering direct emotional and financial support to trans people in crisis – for the trans community, by the trans community.

Transgender Law Center

Transgender Law Center (TLC) is the largest national trans-led organization advocating for a world in which all people are free to define themselves and their futures. Grounded in legal expertise and committed to racial justice, TLC employs a variety of community-driven strategies to keep transgender and gender nonconforming people alive, thriving, and fighting for liberation.

Trans Empowerment Project

Trans Empowerment Project is moving the Trans community out of crisis and into empowerment by focusing on the abolition of white supremacy to ensure that our most marginalized community members, Disabled Queer and Trans People of Color, can thrive and live their best lives.

Love, Hannah

Bam!

by Hannah

Some people who live outside of Minnesota think that we all commute atop the back of polar bears and live in igloos. Yes, Minnesota is cold but we also have very humid and long and gross summers.

But the idea that the state is a frozen tundra is a persistent and stubborn perception. If I am being honest sometimes these days I’m wondering if we will ever see grass again or be able to retrieve the mail without eight layers of clothes.

Why on earth do we live in a state where the weather is trying it’s best to kill us?

I asked myself that question again on Thursday morning when I slipped hard on the ice.

To be fair, if my fall was caught on video it probably would have looked hilarious. Bam! Bitch went down!*

What makes it funnier is that I was standing completely still. I was dragging our trash can to the street and had to carefully make my way down a very icy driveway. We live at the top of a hill so it was quite perilous. I managed to get to the street with my dignity intact but as soon as I positioned the bin I was quickly on the ground.

And goodness did it hurt. My left hand took the worst of the fall. After I dragged myself out of the street I wrapped two fingers and my palm in bandages. Skin was torn, I have a blood blister, and the edges of my fingernails were stained with blood.

I know! SO gross.

Anyway, I was changing my Band-Aids before going to sleep last night (not unlike an injured solider in the Civil War cutting off their limbs to avoid gangrene) and I was reminded how many… parts our body has.

If we look at a body part (other than our genitalia) it’s not unusual for our brains to categorize a foot, an arm, a shoulder, a jawline, as either masculine or feminine. Centuries of gender binary standards are engrained in our minds and our brains like to, well, classify things. THIS is THAT, for example.

I was reminded by how MANLY and MASCULINE my hands are. This is not a weird brag, mind you. I have never been (obviously) the type of person to gloat about how MANLY and MASCULINE I am. When I do think of masculinity and femininity in regards to my body its always about minimizing my masculine features and drawing attention (or creating) feminine features.

That’s not to say that I am ALWAYS trying to appear feminine. Most of my life I present as a man but I never think about how emphasizing my masculinity. Why? Because I don’t care. Some men want to look MANLY and STRONG and whatever. I don’t give much thought to what HE looks like. I get dressed and that’s it.

But Hannah agonizes over how she looks.

Well, perhaps agonizes isn’t the right word. I mean, she used to. She used to fret about her blockish shoulders or her squarish jawline but for the most part it doesn’t bother her as much as it used to. Spaghetti strap dress? Zip me up!

There are some things I can do to minimize certain features. My makeup artist contours my face to give it a more feminine appearance. Of course, she is not changing the bone structure of my face but foundation and highlighter are modern day potions. I can wear a corset to create a shapelier figure. I can wear a gaff to suppress my feminine flaw.

But my hands? I can’t do anything about them. I mean, I can wear rings or paint my nails to, well, feminize them, but really, those things can only do so much.

I mean, I have to shave my hands. How femme is that?? Gross.

As I looked at my hands I couldn’t help but think that they are incredibly, well, unfeminine. Not that there are standards as to what someone’s hand is supposed to look like to be femme, but you know what I mean. I couldn’t help but think that how could someone with THESE hands be feminine?

And then I realized how stupid that thought was.

To be fair, it’s easy to look at SOMETHING and just obsess over it and let it hold us back. Our hands are too masculine, our Adam’s Apple is too pronounced, we are too tall, our voice is too tall, our frame is too linebackerish…

Cis women aren’t immune to this. I can’t speak for anyone else but I think some cis women have something about themselves that they would prefer to be a little different.

Our gender identity and how we feel about ourselves shouldn’t be held back by one physical feature or even by a dozen physical features. I can’t do ANYTHING about my hands. I can wear a wig, I can wear pink heels, I can have a razer sharp cat eye… but my hands can still palm a basketball.

It took me too long to realize that femininity isn’t the size of my hands or the shape of my face or the color of my lips. Gender begins where it is hidden. It’s in our soul, our mind, our heart. My gender is more than my hands, more than my jawline, more than my shoulders.

Besides, there are more parts of me that I can “feminize” than parts I can’t. I can contour my face so it appears more heart-shaped. I can wear thigh pads to have a curvier figure. I can wear a dress. I can wear stilettos. I can wear a wig. I can wear false eyelashes. I can trim my eyebrows.**

This list goes on.

From a physical appearance perspective, my gender presentation is a sum of it’s parts.

Are there “tells”? Oh hell yes. There are parts of me that broadcast to the universe that I am not cis. And I am 10000% fine with this. Why? Because I am not cis. It’s fine that everyone knows “the truth”, I suppose. I don’t care if anyone thinks I am cis or trans. I don’t give it a second thought. Their opinion has zero impact on me.

At any rate, it’s been a slippery winter. I have slipped hard on the ice three times in the last two weeks and landed on both of my knees on separate occasions. I just hope I can avoid any more unplanned trips to the concrete before my photo shoot on the 25th. Stilettos and leg braces are not a good look.

Stay safe, bitches.

Love, Hannah

*Ten points to anyone who knows what movie this is from

**Of course, NONE of this is required to be feminine. Again, femininity is in our souls, minds, and hearts.

Sisters

by Hannah

Last year many of you offered your support to Jaclyn after she wrote on her blog a rather upsetting message.

We feared the worst as there were no updates after the post.

I was relieved to see a new post to her blog. Sadly Jacklyn still seems to be struggling.

If you have a moment, please visit her website and offer support. We are a sisterhood.

As someone who lost a friend to suicide, I assure you it’s not often we have a second chance to tell someone they are not alone and help is there.

Trans Lifeline is a national trans-led 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to improving the quality of trans lives by responding to the critical needs of our community with direct service, material support, advocacy, and education. Our vision is to fight the epidemic of trans suicide and improve overall life-outcomes of trans people by facilitating justice-oriented, collective community aid. 

Need to talk? Call! Our peer support hotline is run by and for trans people. We’re available 7am-1am PST / 9am-3am CST / 10am-4am EST. Volunteers may be available during off hours.

Love, Hannah

Let’s Talk About Men

by Hannah

And yes, NOT ALL MEN.

When I post my silly little thoughts, regardless of what I am blathering on about, I try to qualify my statements and opinions with, well, qualifiers like “sometimes…” and “for the most part…”. I try to avoid generalities and I want to make it clear that I am not writing in an absolute manner.

This is true for this post. So, when I say “Let’s Talk About Men”, I want to make it clear that yes, not all men.

We good? Fabulous.

I’ve started to reply to most of the private messages I receive on Twitter and very few of them go beyond this exchange:

Some man: hi

Me: hi

And that’s the end of that.

To be clear, I am not trying to be bitchy by simply replying with “hi”. Rather I am matching their energy and effort. If the first message was “Hi Hannah!” I would respond with “Hi ______!”.

And as long as I am getting a lot of this off my chest, I am soooooo tempted to bite my tongue and not correct any grammatical mistakes when a guy writes “your sexy”. The restraint it takes to not reply with “*you’re”…

Very rarely do these messages last beyond “hi” and “thank you”.

On the occasion when these amazingly compelling and riveting conversations go past “hi” they usually get right to business, if you will. These guys make it very clear what they want and what they hope to accomplish by reaching out to me.

After their opening introduction of “hi” their next message is almost always one of these incredibly charming questions:

do u like cock

can I suck ur cock

And then I block them and that’s the end of that.

Sometimes a guy will actually try to make small talk before asking me about my opinion on genitalia. This small talk is usually along the lines of “what r u doing” or “how r u”. Super compelling questions that make me want to drop everything and engage with this person.

Honestly? I am likely doing something work related or talking my dog for a walk. I’m sure these guys are hoping I am, oh, I don’t know, polishing my leather skirt or painting my nails or something femme. Which, to be fair, is way more fun than working on my monthly report.

If I am feeling… generous (?) I reply and keep this incredibly fascinating exchange going.

And goodness I am sounding like a bitch here. I am not some goddess that grants men a moment of my time or a scrap of my attention. I have zero interest in men (or with any other gender) and these conversations are incredibly boring. I also know where the conversation is likely leading to. Why delay the inevitable? Just shoot your shot so I can block you.

If the small talk continues it sooner or later gets to the questions about genitalia. On the rare occasions it doesn’t, the questions become just as… intrusive.

Sometimes the questions are… well, innocent enough, I suppose. The guy makes it clear what he is looking for but does so in a less… inappropriate way. This is usually along the lines of “I am really attracted to you”. I reply and make it very clear that I am not interested in them, that I am married, and that I am not looking for anything.

After this “line in the sand”, if you will, one of three things happen:

-The dude stops replying

-The dude acknowledges my boundaries and keeps up the small talk and does so respectfully until he really does get the point that I am not going to budge, if you will

-The dude leans into it even more

The third thing is the most common. Like, overwhelmingly so.

What typically happens next is… them challenging me? If I tell them I am not interested, their response is usually along the lines of “I bet I could change your mind”. If I tell them I am not going to discuss sexual things with them, I am asked why not.

It’s the complete lack of respect for boundaries that I find the most disturbing. If someone says “I am not going to discuss that with you”, well, they mean it. There’s no way to really misinterpret that statement. I don’t owe anyone an explanation or a reason beyond that. Consider the matter settled, I gave you my answer.

The internet allows us some anonymity and some… protection, in a way. We can say anything we want online and it doesn’t have to be kind and it doesn’t have to be true. We don’t even have to attribute our thoughts to our name. We can be whoever we wish. I think this can embolden someone to say or do something that they may not do in real life.

Knowing this, this behavior still gives me chills. It makes me think that the guy who is pushing me to talk about something I clearly told them we wouldn’t discuss is also likely the same type of guy who won’t take no for an answer in real life.

I also see a lot of manipulation from men in these exchanges. If I tell a man I am not interested, I am often met with a comment along the lines of “It figures you wouldn’t like me. No one does.”

I am not going to buy into your bullshit.

I’m sorry you have had the experiences you have had, I’m sure this has impacted your self-esteem but some random person on Twitter is not your therapist.

A lot of these exchanges make me think a few things.

First of all, was I ever that pushy? That disrespectful when I was single and trying to meet someone? God, I hope not. It’s been a long time since I was single so those days are getting harder to remember. The internet/social media was nowhere near as prevalent as it is today so people actually had to talk with each other and didn’t have the safety/anonymity of a DMs.

Secondly, I am very happy that I am not trying to meet someone with how the dating scene seems to be these days. Social media demands a whole new set of expectations and etiquette that honestly seems too overwhelming to keep up with. My younger co-workers talk about all the “rules”, both implied and unspoken, and honestly it all sounds like more work than it’s worth.

And finally I think about how I impact the lives of others when I am presenting in male mode. Of course I am not trying to meet anyone but I am more conscious of how what I say or do could make women feel. Am I coming off as condescending? I am manplaining?

The world can be a mirror and not to belabor the metaphor but we are given opportunities to reflect on our actions and words. Sometimes the things others do can be a cautionary lesson as to how we ourselves behave.

I know a lot of this is venting but goodness I need to vent. This website allows me to talk about aspect of my femme life that I can’t really bring up in casual conversations with most people in my male life.

Love, Hannah

Crossdressing and Compromises

by Hannah

I read every single comment that is posted on this website. Promise.

Sometimes a comment will be a little critical of a photo, an opinion, or a post. Sometimes I am very reluctant to admit the comment which contradicts my opinion has, well, a valid point.

For example!

Smiling in photos.

I will always believe that some pictures look better without a giant grin on my face but yes, for the most part, the best pictures are when I look like I am actually enjoying the photo shoot.

I tend to ignore the trolls in the comments and some comments spark an idea for a post. Some comments completely miss the point of what I am rambling on and on about.

But that’s how it goes.

Usually a comment will trigger a response in my mind but I usually don’t post it. Sometimes my unposted response is a defense of what I wrote or a reiteration of what my post was about. I like to think that I tend to stand by what I wrote AND I like to think that I will admit when I am wrong or perhaps my perspective is a little short-sighted.

I write a lot about how our gender identity and crossdressing impacts our relationships and our partners. I discuss boundaries and honesty and full disclosures. I want to make it clear that a relationship with someone like me, someone like you, is likely going to complicate a lot of things AND this side of us isn’t likely going to go away.

Essentially people who are committed to staying in a relationship once this revelation comes to light will have to try to find a way to make it work.

Aaaand it’s not easy.

If there’s one thing I try to emphasize in discussing relationships with someone like us is that I really think it’s important and crucial that we listen to our partners and consider how this side of us impacts them. I talk a lot about being honest with them.

I also discuss staying within any sort of boundaries that are agreed upon.

When I talk about these things, it’s not unusual for me to receive emails or read comments about how this side of us can’t be a one way street, if you will. I tend to take the side of our partners if there are “sides” to this. If they have a request or set guidelines then it’s important that we adhere to them. Afterall, this is a lot for them to take in and it’s not something that they necessarily signed up for. I suppose I am prone to feeling a tremendous amount of guilt from the stress this side of us can cause that I am quick to let our partners, well, set any guidelines (if you will), that they are comfortable with.

It’s been suggested that I tend to oversimplify these… agreements.

And… you have a point.

Every relationship is different and most relationships that work are usually the result of communication and honesty and partnership and dedication and, yes, compromise. Before there is any sort of commitment to each other, whether it’s an engagement, a child, or a major financial investment, such as a house, I do believe you need to disclose this side of you to your partner. This is part of being honest, this is part of communication.

I think it’s crucial if this side of you exists, you need to let your partner know about it. IF this side of us is, essentially, a “deal-breaker”, we need to let them make that call before both of you buy a house or an engagement ring.

If you are honest and upfront with your partner AND the relationship continues, well…. you did what was right and are letting them make decisions with the information you disclosed. They know now what they are getting into.

Goodness that sounds depressing and I don’t mean it to be.

Coming out to someone before it gets serious and coming out to someone after ten years of marriage and three kids are completely different.

And yes, I acknowledge I am oversimplifying all of this again but I try to discuss things like this very broadly and still realize that every relationship is different and coming out is easier said than done.

Anyway, I will never claim to be an expert in anything. I can only speak from my perspective and my experiences. Most of what I say or feel or think is a result of my own relationships. What worked, what didn’t… and how my gender identity or clothing preferences impacted the relationships.

When it comes to my relationships, both past and current, they almost always come down to a few core principals which almost always impacts whether or not the relationship failed or if it is/was successful.

When I say successful I am referring to how satisfied and content and healthy the relationship is/was. A failed relationship is not necessarily about it ending, but more about how the relationship made the people in it felt.

Does that make sense? A marriage lasting thirty years isn’t necessarily an “achievement” if one or both people in it are completely miserable. Love is not a victory march, after all

I am asked a lot about how my wife and I make our relationship work. This is going to sound a little unsatisfying because what “makes us work” is really quite simple. Honesty, friendship, and respect are what guides us. These principals aren’t just limited to what is in my closet or how I spend one or two Saturdays a month. It extends to how we take care of our home, how we manage our finances, how we care for each other. Again. this is objectively oversimplification but I assure you these things take commitment and work.

When it comes to this side of me, there was no… hm, formal sit-down meeting which laid out any sort of boundaries or rules, if you will. As my gender identity evolved so did these conversations. My wife let me know what she was comfortable with as well as any requests about what malls she would prefer I avoid. We had many conversations about what she was feeling or thinking or what she was afraid of. We still do.

As who I am changed, her feelings about this side of me did as well. When they did, we would have a conversation. Like anything, when a situation changes it’s not unusual to reconnect about it.

This was WORK. This took a lot of courage from my wife. She knew that who I was made me happy and it takes a lot of bravery to tell someone something that they may not want to hear.

Aaaand I didn’t always want to hear that my wife would prefer I not go to certain salons or malls because she has friends who frequent there and it would increase the likelihood of being seen. But I listened and pushed the Pink Fog away just enough to understand and respect her feelings and fear.

Fast forward to today.

Things are good. We’re both comfortable with how things are with Hannah. It is very “it is what it is”. And what we have works for us BUT would likely appear completely baffling to anyone else. Through patience, listening, and a commitment to see things from each other’s perspective we arrived to where we are. Not only with my gender identity, but with everything else.

Previous relationships weren’t like this. Not only in terms of my wardrobe but also in terms of other elements that are part of a relationship. And thank God they didn’t work out. Everything that has happened in my life, whether it’s a relationship ending or anything else, led me to the life that I now.

So yes, I suppose everything happens for a reason.

The first person I came out to was the girl I was in my first serious relationship with. Of course, as serious as a relationship can be at 21 years old. Simply put, it was requested that I, well, don’t crossdress anymore. End of discussion.

And I don’t mean to make this person sound like an unreasonable bitch. She had every right to be in the type of relationship that she was comfortable with. AND! She was like 19. AND! This was like 25 years ago. The world wasn’t as accustomed to the nuances of gender identity as it is now.

As important as crossdressing was to me at the time, I agreed to stop. I thought I could.

lol.

I really thought I could.

I agreed to stop not because I wanted to, but because I was… I was so broken after the difficult home life I had with my abusive father. I was so desperate to be with someone. I wanted stability, I wanted love. I would have agreed to ANYTHING for this, even at the price of quitting crossdressing.

The need to be with someone superseded everything else. I was so insecure and codependent I think I would have agreed to anything than to risk the chance of the relationship ending.

And looking back, goodness I needed help. Thankfully I got it. Therapy helps, bitches.

The relationship ended and I was secretly glad it did. I wasn’t happy. I knew I needed help. And I’m glad she ended it. I never would’ve had the courage or confidence to do so.

Again, she wasn’t a horrible person. I wasn’t an easy person to be in a relationship with then. I had a lot of work to do on myself.

Essentially crossdressing wasn’t something we could compromise on. But I never TRIED to. I had zero self-esteem. I couldn’t negotiate, if you will, anything. I wanted to be in A relationship, no matter how much of ME I wasn’t.

In many ways I will be forever grateful for this relationship because once it ended I was able to look back on it and really realize how much work I needed to do on myself after the difficult teenage years I had.

My next significant relationship was also an indication that the progress and the therapy I had after the earlier relationship was helpful, but I still had a few things to work through. This relationship was very different in many ways. I came out to her and it went pretty well. I wasn’t the first crossdresser she had met.

There were boundaries but they really didn’t impact anything. I wasn’t Hannah then, if you will. I wasn’t going out of the house en femme. There was little need to compromise because, well, it was never really an issue. It was… an unconventional relationship in a lot of ways. Eventually it just… ended.

If my marriage has taught me anything is that marriages take work BUT it should be, well, mostly enjoyable and worthwhile work. Communication isn’t always easy but it’s worth it. It has a payoff, if you will. I’ve never regretted the work and energy my wife and I have put into our relationship, whether it’s about gender identity or finances or simply creating a life together.

One key to making my wardrobe preferences work is my wife being open and honest with her thoughts and feelings about it. For my part, although there were missteps, I was able to communicate to her that this is who I was and despite all my previous efforts to STOP, I couldn’t. I didn’t WANT to.

So, we talked. For years. With every new part of my “journey” we talked again. The situation changed, it evolved, so reconnecting was essential. Of course, it sounds so simple to say it like this. There were tears, there was tension, there was frustration, there was… a lot.

BUT neither one of us were stubborn about this or really anything in our relationship. If there was something that entered into our lives, whether it was an expensive household appliance that needed to be replaced, or an unexpected financial THING, or me embracing my bi-genderness, we approached it with the mentality of “well, how do we make this work?”.

Again, I don’t mean to gloss over anything or minimize the stress my wife experienced with who I am. Who I am, what I have now was never the result of my wife understanding this side of me. It was her understanding that yes, this is a little unusual but this is who I am.

It does go both ways. My wife loves listening to murder podcasts while she works. Do I understand this? No. Do I understand this makes her happy? Yes.

And I don’t want to trivialize anything. Listening to a podcast and doing a lingerie photoshoot are not the same thing.

Are there boundaries? Yes. I avoid a certain mall when en femme at my wife’s request. If I am doing SOMETHING new (such as when I started lingerie photo shoots) then we reconnect. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can do “whatever I please”. That’s not how a committed relationship works. Respecting and listening to your partner is how it works.

I am aware of the stress that this side of me can bring into my marriage. All of THIS is an act of balance. Being careful not to overwhelm my wife AND feeling fulfilled. Again, compromise. This balancing act wasn’t easy as I was often swept up in the Pink Fog and let Hannah just… take over. She quickly wore out her welcome. I was afraid, and for good reason, that my wife would come to resent this side of me because of how much of my life and our interactions revolved around Hannah.

But I dialed it back. Thank God. Not only for my wife’s benefit but also for my own. I have a habit of letting something dominate my life (good or bad) and this side of me wasn’t much different.

I do regret how this side of me impacted my wife and how she felt. I don’t regret who I am but like I’ve said in other posts, it’s not THIS side of us that is usually the problem, it’s what this side of us made lead us to do.

So, when you comment or even think to yourself that discussions about boundaries and rules about this side of us aren’t a one-way street, I want you to know that yes, I agree with you. Who we are, whoever we are, is, well, this is who we are. We shouldn’t neglect who we are, and we need to be honest.

Love, Hannah


boundaries being a “one way street”

Not knowing how to “compromise”

Feeling too much guilt about this side of me to feel that I can “negotiate”

A Need…

by Hannah

Someone told me that a need is a really strong want.

And I think that is mostly true.

But I didn’t want this dress. I needed it.

We all know the feeling of seeing a dress and thinking that it NEEDS to be in your closet even if you have no idea when you’ll wear it or what the occasion for it would be.

This dress from En Femme was exactly that.

Once it arrived I knew I would wear it for my then upcoming photo shoot as well as for the MN T-Girls‘ holiday party.

The dress is tight, shiny, and has a VERY high slit. Essentially the dress was made for me, lol.

This is the final set of photos from the November 2022 photo shoot. I have a shoot scheduled for later this month and another for the end of March. It’s going to be an interesting year. 🙂

Love, Hannah

Torn

by Hannah

Some of us want to burn down any wall between BOY and/or GIRL.

Some of us want to eliminate the men’s department and the women’s department in a store. Display the neckties right next to panties next to the football jerseys next to hosiery. Who cares. Let’s revolutionize and start over.

I mean, what would we wear if we weren’t told what we were SUPPOSED to wear? What if the anatomy between our legs didn’t dictate what we were SUPPOSED to wear for our entire lives and for everything we do, whether it’s for what we wear to work or what we wear to sleep?

On the other hand, some of us want to preserve the binary. We love that pink represents femininity. We love that skirts are “for girls”. We love that panties are keeping us connected to our femme selves.

And I get it. I see, and to an extent I “agree” with both perspectives. I like being able to wear a super pink dress and just turn my feminine presentation to 11. I like looking as femme as possible. BUT I also hate that I can’t leave my house in boy mode wearing leggings and a knee length cardigan without drawing a few pointed fingers. Really, why are some things “for girls”? If men tried on leggings I swear to God within a week every dude in the world would be wearing them.

And yes I shouldn’t care if I am pointed at because of what I am wearing. And I don’t. BUT there’s a difference between (at least for me) being en femme and being in boy mode wearing “girl clothes”. Hannah is not as recognizable. But HE is. If HE were to bump into a co-worker or a family member or someone my wife knows while I am wearing “girl clothes”, then it becomes a little awkward. My wife would likely get texts asking why her husband is wearing, well, whatever he is wearing.

I do not want to put my wife through conversations and situations and change any relationship dynamics she has because of me, because of what I am wearing. All of a sudden she is the girl with the weird husband that wears skirts.

It would be nice if everyone on the planet was enlightened when it came to gender identity but that’s not the case. The reality is that there are people in our lives that we care about and want to maintain peace with, even if we see gender presentation differently from each other.

The same goes for me. I had a boss that required the two of us to have a productive and cooperative partnership at work. We had to work well together. BUT this particular person and I completely disagreed on everything you could think of. If he only knew. And if he DID know, then it would fundamentally change everything at work. He was a vindictive, petty man. If he didn’t like you, regardless of your work performance, he’d find a legal way to fire you. That was that.

In this example keeping my gender identity to myself was, in a way, key to keeping my job.

And! I often asked myself why on earth would I want to work for someone, with someone, like that? It’s a fair question. For the most part I liked the job and I really needed to keep that job. I suppose it was a compromise. It wasn’t one I was comfortable with. I felt I was being a hypocrite and I was… justifying tolerating working with someone like that. And to some extent I was.

More than likely we will work with or be related to people we don’t see eye to eye with. Not everyone will have the same values or perspectives that we ourselves do. It happens. I have family members and colleagues that don’t have the same viewpoint on the LGBTQ+ community as I have. I work for a college and even some of my students don’t have the same views as I do. I can’t simply refuse to help them because of that. Not if I want to keep my job, anyway.

Again, this is more or less a compromise. And it’s not one I am always comfortable with. I would love to cut all toxic people out of my life but it’s just not realistic. And it’s also not fair to my wife. There are people in both of our families that I would be happy with never speaking to again, but that’s not possible if I want to “keep the peace”. Again, it’s a compromise.

Goodness I got off-track.

I am myself torn between “clothes for girls” and “who cares, clothes are for everyone”.

Sometimes when I am en femme I feel a certain joy in dressing as traditionally as feminine as possible. To be immersed in GIRL and BEAUTY and FEMININTY. Sure, some of my lingerie is designed for people with my body and the anatomy that I have and it arguably fits better than lingerie for cisgender girls but dammit, sometimes I want to wear “girl panties”, not “boy panties”.

And I think everyone reading this understands the difference.

Immerse. Yes, that’s the perfect word for the feeling.

BUT sometimes I hate the genderization of clothes and cosmetics. Why can’t I wear leggings or a skirt in boy mode? Why is it weird for a boy to paint his nails?

I mean, I know it’s because “traditional” gender norms. I swear the most damaging thought when it comes to progress is “but that’s the way we’ve always done it”.

Sometimes I get… annoyed that I can’t decide which of those options I would prefer. Fortunately it’s not something I will ever have to decide. I mean, it’s not like the decision will ever fall to me. And it’s not like this “dilemma” will ever work itself out in my lifetime.

I may not be able to make this decision for the world, but I can make it for myself and I suppose that’s enough.

Love, Hannah

Shiny Things

by Hannah

Like a crow, I am drawn to shiny things.

I love PVC, vinyl, latex, and leather clothes. They are very much my weakness and when I see a shiny dress it will very likely find it’s way into my closet and into my suitcase when I choose outfits for a photo shoot.

When I saw this dress from En Femme I knew it was inevitable it would be mine. It would be silly to pretend otherwise. It fit perfectly and it has pockets for my forms which would circumvent a need to wear a bra. Some outfits are cut in a way where a bra isn’t always going to work and I need a bra to keep the girls in place.

And yes, I know there are adhesives to help with keeping things where they belong but when I have a photo shoot I sometimes go back and forth between outfits where I wear my forms and outfits when I don’t. It’s easier to just pop them into my bra as needed.

I was a little… reluctant to use the pockets for my forms. It sounds silly but it was strange for me to wear forms but not have them against my skin. Do you know what I mean? I slowly got over that with En Femme’s designs, starting with one of the bathing suits I reviewed for them.

I wore this dress for the most recent photo shoot the MN T-Girls did. I love the dress, I love how it looks, and how it feels. I hope you like it too!

Love, Hannah

Nuances

by Hannah

Hi!

Just a reminder that there is a difference between looking feminine and looking like a female.

AND! This is going to sound a lot bitchier than I intend it to. Sorry.

Looking feminine, to me, is about dresses, heels, and makeup.

BUT! We shouldn’t “genderize” clothes, shoes, or cosmetics. A heavy metal drummer dude can paint his nails black or any color he pleases. High heels were originally meant for men.

Thus, we shouldn’t get too hung up on associating arbitrary gender norms with an article of clothing or a color.

BUT! For the sake of this post, I am referring to femininity in the binary sense. Meaning:

Pink = girls

Blue = boys

Dress = girls

Boring clothes = boys

Got it? Fabulous.

When I dress up, I am not trying to look like a female. I am trying to look feminine.

There’s just something cringy about saying “looking like a female”.

What I mean is that I am not intending people to think I am a cisgender woman. I am wearing clothes and presenting in a similar style of some cisgender women. But I am not a cisgender woman. I am a transgender woman. To me, cisgender and transgender can simply be adjectives.

I am a tall woman. I am a fashionable (hopefully) woman. I am a transgender woman.

My wife is a petite woman. My wife is a stylish woman. My wife is a cisgender woman.

See? Adjectives.

“Looking like a female”, to me, implies that there is a standard that women must look like. Wearing makeup, a dress, or high heels does not make someone a woman. When I come home after a day en femme I am likely wearing stilettos and a bodycon dress. My wife is relaxing in yoga pants. Our outfits are about as different as can be but we are both women.

“Looking like a female” isn’t the compliment it’s meant to be. And I promise I am not calling ANYONE out. I am flattered when someone says I look like a female because I understand the intention of the compliment.

Let’s celebrate femininity, not standards.

Love, Hannah

Strike a (Juxta) Pose

by Hannah

I LIKE contrasts. I like seeing two things that seem to be polar opposites of one another together. This combination can be something amazing that one wouldn’t have possibly imagined working or an absolute disaster. Sometimes things that seemingly contradict each other just mesh perfectly.

For example!

A hardcore rapper recording a duet with a pop singer with a beautiful voice might create a really amazing, fascinating song. Two artists that are about as different as you can imagine… but somehow, it works.

A heavy metal band performing with an orchestra can sound AMAZING.

Chocolate covered cherries? Yes please. French fries and ranch? Yes please.

Of course, there is also the potential for a collaboration to be an abomination… like pineapple on pizza.

Being bi gender is an interesting and perfect example of contrast. Speaking for myself, of course. I own a beautiful gown and a three piece suit. At a wedding I could be the best man or the maid of honor.

I think a lot of you can relate.

For many of us, our male lives do not give off a hint of our femme selves. I mean, yes, it might make sense in retrospect. When I came out to my siblings, one sister was completely caught off guard, the other said it made sense when she thought about it and recalled certain moments growing up. Like, all of a sudden the pieces fell into place when she bumped into me in the women’s section at Target a few years ago.

If you saw me right now, like RIGHT NOW, I am pretty sure it would be hard to imagine that I am the person in this photo.

But I am.

As of this very sentence, I am slouched on the sofa, I have a few days of stubble on my face, and I look about as lazy as it gets. I look tired. I need a nap, I need coffee.

It’s strange knowing what I look like RIGHT NOW is also the same person in the above picture. That is the power of a dress, of makeup, of attitude.

My fascination with contrast, or perhaps in a more accurate term, the opposite of an assumption, is also reflected in the lives of other t-girls. I know beautiful t-girls who operate forklifts in their male lives. Truck drivers who wear stilettos on the weekend. Crossdressers who paint their nails while watching football.

Of course, none of these things HAVE to be exclusively for men OR women. People can wear whatever they want and people can pursue any career they please. I am writing this from the gender binary/social normality perspective.

Even when it comes to my femme presentation, I like the extremes (if you will) of my wardrobe. Whether it is a very pink dress or a leather look. Posting photos on Twitter can lead to people thinking I am either a bad ass dominatrix or a submissive sissy. I don’t like being… typecast, if you will.

Besides, neither look is representative of who I am. I just like the clothes.

Preparing for a photo shoot is an extension of contrast. A shoot can include anything from a dress perfect for brunch with your mother-in-law or, well, something completely inappropriate outside of a Hot Topic or the dungeon of a dominatrix.

But this contrast is more than just what is thrown into a suitcase for the shoot. It can also be the shoot itself.

A few years ago I really wanted to do a shoot in an abandoned warehouse, movie theatre, or SOMETHING like that. The idea of a girl in amazing makeup and a a beautiful dress in a lonely, dilapidated building really appealed to me. Shannonlee and I haven’t really done anything like that, but sometimes the location we’re shooting in as something that more or less works, like the picture below.

…you know, this photo gets creepier the longer I look at it.

And! To expand on the contrast thing, that photo was taken in the same building as this one:

I don’t know why I like the juxtaposition of beautiful clothes and dilapidation but there you have it.

Anyway.

This also extends to lingerie photos taken in places where it’s not… expected to see someone in lingerie.

Photos such as…

I also have a thing for staircases.

Now, to be clear none of these photos were taken in a public space. These pictures were taken in a rented studio or a hotel. I am not wearing a corset at an office while a meeting is taking place in the conference room down the hall. That would be… uncomfortable for everyone.

Photo shoots are a lot of fun but they can get really boring if I am being honest. What keeps them interesting is a combination of an outfit I am excited about, working with Shannonlee, and the location of the shoot. If every photo shoot was simply standing in front of a white backdrop it would be incredibly dull. Not only the shoot itself but also the pictures.

If lingerie pictures were only, well, sensual, such as lounging on a bed, then they would also get really boring. Not only to do, but to look at.

I like being able to interact with my surroundings. It’s fun to see… SOMETHING and respond to that. Whether it’s a piece of art, a tree, or some random object in the studio.

Goodness I look evil in that final picture. Well, perhaps crazed, not evil.

Sexy lingerie + professional settings and beautiful clothes + decaying buildings are visually interesting to me. It’s always fun to see the location that Shannonlee picks out for a shoot. She is also drawn to warehouse type settings and she always has an eye for a shot. Often she’ll direct me to a spot in a room and I don’t quite see what she sees but when I view the end result I realize that is right every time.

I’m always thinking about potential shoots and locations so if you have a suggestion I would love to hear it!

Love, Hannah