Ask Hannah!

 i am a long time closet cross dreser, my wife knows of me cross dressing, she has seen me dressing up and tells me when i can dress up. she has given me a dress that does not fit her or her friend, so she gave it to me thinking it would fit. yes, it does and i told her. she will not let me sit in same room as her and talk like 2 females. i under dress a lot and have more female cloths and make up and perfume then she does and even dress up like a female should. not pants and shirt look. she cross dresses like a man so why can not i dress like a female. i only dress up when our last adult child is at work. when i dress up i feel great about my self and look pretty. foundation and cover up i don’t know how to apply them just yet. how can i get my wife to under stand the cross dressing world? she seen me dressing up but will not be more excepting to my cross dressing. she know and lets me dress up, but will not let me sit in same room is what i don’t understand. thanks for your time

Okay, let’s jump in.

It’s not a surprise you have more clothes than your wife. I know I do and I wouldn’t be surprised if this was true for many crossdressers. Please remember that femininity is not a competition. You are not in a contest with your wife when it comes to your wardrobe, makeup, or perfume.

Women can dress however they damn well please.

and

There’s no such thing as a woman dressing like a woman should.

We good?

There’s nothing you can do or say to get your wife to understand your crossdressing besides communication but even that isn’t a guarantee. This is not the same thing as acceptance. Crossdressing is hard to understand, it’s hard to put into words. I don’t even understand why I crossdress and I have been doing it since I was in kindergarten.

It sounds like have your wife’s acceptance and I would rather have my wife ACCEPT my crossdressing than UNDERSTAND my crossdressing.

She may be aware you crossdress but this side of us is a lot to ask and she likely struggles with this side of you. It may be difficult for her to see you dressed up, even if she knows that you do. Be patient with her, be gentle with her, be kind to her. Be worth it.

And listen to her.

And accept that she may never be comfortable with seeing you dressed.

Almost all of us want MORE from our significant others when it comes to this side of us. In all honesty you have more than most crossdressers have when it comes to your relationship. I mean, your wife KNOWS you crossdress. It doesn’t sound like she is trying to STOP you from crossdressing. And goodness, she GAVE YOU A DRESS. So many crossdressers would love for their wife to give them a dress. If she doesn’t want to see you dressed, then perhaps you need to drop the idea and be thankful and grateful for what you have.

Love, Hannah

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Marriage

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Missing the Point

I will never claim to speak for the ENTIRE t-girl or crossdressing or non-binary or transgender community.

I will never try to either. I think it’s insane to think that anyone COULD or that anyone DOES.

I do write about a lot of different things. My writings generally fall into a few different categories of fashion (not that I think I am fashionable, but I love writing about clothes and doing reviews), activism (mostly legislation targeting or protecting the trans community) advice (or my attempt at it), and just random thoughts.

What I write about is an effort to be helpful or relatable. I know it’s a little shallow to write 800 words about shoes but I like to think raving about a stiletto is relatable to some of us. Writing about thoughts I have when I am out en femme, whether it is being paranoid of being seen by someone or reflecting on how scared and brave I feel can also be relatable.

At the same time there are worlds of things I don’t write about when it comes to identifying as transgender. I don’t talk about side effects of estrogen or how lengthy of a process it is to work with an insurance company in regards to gender confirming surgery. These subjects are important but I have zero experience in these examples so I let more knowledgeable people handle these topics.

I also know that no matter what I write about I will, well, annoy some of you. When I write about lingerie I get emails about how shallow I am. When I write about laws that negatively impact the trans community the emails ask me to stop being depressing and to write about lingerie.

The point is that I don’t try to make everyone happy. I am not intentionally trying to anger anyone, either. I just write about whatever I am thinking about or feeling or doing and move on.

This isn’t to say comments and emails aren’t helpful when it comes to shaping my website, mind you. I love (constructive) feedback.

However, I do wonder from time to time wonder if I am missing the point, or rather, missing A point.

What I mean is that sometimes when I write about, oh, I don’t know, how much I love panties, sometimes I get emails that tell me I am trivializing the life of a trans woman. On the flip side I’ll blog about how exhausting it can be to see so many laws that are an attempt to hurt the transcommunity and soon I get emails that tell me that crossdressing is supposed to be fun and I shouldn’t focus on legislation that allows a doctor to refuse medical care to someone like us.

Again, there’s nothing I can write about that makes everyone happy and it would be foolish and dishonest (to myself) if I were to try.

BUT!

Does anyone ever visit this site and think to themselves that I am completely missing the point of something? Or that I write about being bi-gender but never talk about an aspect that impacts you?

If so, drop me a line or comment below.

Love, Hannah

Why Having a Crossdressing Husband is the Most Stressful Thing EVER

Okay, fasten your garter belts, this is a loooong one.

Look, if I have a, hm, a mission statement when it comes to my website is that I try to be supportive, realistic, and honest. I feel I am fairly self-aware and not oblivious to how who we are impacts our lives and the relationships that we have, particularly the relationships we have with our significant others. I want to be sincere and real when it comes to this side of us, whether it’s how humbling and how wonderful who we are is, or how to accept that passing isn’t real and that the world loves us and hates us more than we could possibly imagine.

This side of us is complicated. It doesn’t always make our life or our relationships any easier. I am not saying it can’t or won’t, but I think we all can relate to how our gender identity likely caused some stress and tension and uncertainty at some point in our lives.

It can also create, for lack of a better term, an identity crisis. Most of us wonder who we are at some point in our journey. Am I a crossdresser? Am I transgender? Am I gay? Am I a lesbian when I am en femme? Am I in denial? Is this is a phase? Oh, this list goes on.

Questions about identity and labels can be confusing and overwhelming. It’s typical to overthink them. I know I do. It’s normal to not care about labels but the next day we are back to pondering which label suits us best and what that label means.

And goodness, this is stressful, but this is a side of us that has likely always been there. We may be comfortable and confident with who we are. It may have taken decades but at some point we will likely get to a place, mentally and emotionally, where we are secure with who we are in terms of gender identity. In some instances we have adapted to the stress and have learned to live with it.

But as stressful at this is for us, it’s… it’s a lot for our significant others. No matter how often I assured my wife that I did not want to transition, it took a long, long, long time for her to see that I didn’t want to take that step. And the time it took for her to be at peace with who I am also came with fears, doubts, and tears.

Not only do I try to be realistic about this side of us when it comes to clothes and how we present and the expectations and hopes and dysphoria that who we are brings, I also try to be realistic when it comes to how our gender identity can impact our relationship with our significant others.

I get emails from partners of crossdressers who have fears and questions. These emails may even come from YOUR wife. It’s not uncommon to read an email that begins with “my husband reads your website” or to see that someone found my site by searching the words “my husband crossdresses”.

I do my best to be gentle. I try to be sincere and kind. Rose-colored panties YES, rose-colored glasses NO. Sugar coating this side of us does little good. I can recall when my wife looked for support and resources when it came to her trying to understand this side of me. The internet wasn’t much help and often amplified her fears. Yes, I told her that this wasn’t a sexual thing, but Google “helpfully” provided her with dating websites about hooking up with a crossdresser. Thanks, internet.

Sometimes the search results come off as tooooo light-hearted and naïve to be helpful. I wrote about this recently and it inspired me to try to write a similar list with hopefully a little more of a realistic perspective.

The purpose of this list is to acknowledge that this side of one’s significant other is likely going to be stressful, overwhelming, and confusing, to say the least. Our partners have questions, fears, and a lot of thoughts and emotions about who we are. It does little good to downplay any of these things. I am going to be as honest and as gentle as I can in this little (well, it’s not little at all) list as I can be.

This is also the longest thing I have ever written in MY LIFE. This post has been compiled by the many emails I have received over the years from wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiancées, partners, and significant others. This took a long time to write and organize and variations of many of these questions have been posted on my website previously. Rest assured every question here has been previously asked of me over the years, although they may not have been posted before.

A couple of things:

-I can only speak for myself, my perspective, and my experience. My thoughts are based off my life as a trans person as well as from my marriage. Your relationship is YOUR relationship and I would never presume to be THE voice of authority when it comes to relationships, crossdressing, or when these two worlds collide. If you’d like my wife’s perspective on all of this, she did a little question and answer post here.

-I will absolutely encourage a partner of a crossdresser to seek our support if you need it, and you probably will. This part of your life can be very lonely. It’s not something that you may feel comfortable discussing with your friends. You may feel embarrassed that your big, tough husband who likes to hunt and fish also likes to wear panties. This is a normal feeling. I promise. A wonderful resources is PFLAG who offer support groups for people who have a family member who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

-Oh, I guess another thing. I am speaking in very, very broad terms here. I know that many relationships are positively impacted by *this* side of a person. There are many instances where this can bring two people closer together. And that’s wonderful! This can often happen. However, this list is for our partners who are struggling with coming to terms with this side of us.

-Wait! One more thing. This post may come off as a little harsh on crossdressers. I don’t mean it to be. Obviously I am a crossdresser and I love who I am. The vast majority of us are wonderful, kind, sensitive, considerate people. We have a side of us that makes us ridiculously happy but are fully aware of how difficult this part of us is for someone else to understand and accept. We know that what we wear causes a lot of stress and anxiety for our partners. We have a lot of empathy for our significant others. Wearing panties or nail polish or whatever we are drawn to makes us very happy but we also know that our significant others will struggle with this side of us. We don’t want to be a burden, we don’t want to put more stress on our partners, especially when it comes to something like this. So, we sometimes suppress this side of us, we try to stop crossdressing, we deny who we are. We do these things because we love our partners and we don’t want to hurt them, confuse them, or scare them. This is not typically meant to deceive our partners. We love our partners so much that we will try to be the best people that we can be and try to be the person we think our partner wants. We try our hardest to quit crossdressing. It’s not likely that will happen. But we still try. Our intentions may be good, but in retrospect we usually realize that yes, we should have been upfront at the beginning about who we are, what we wear… and everything else.

Okay, here we go.

Do I have to accept this? Do I have to let him crossdress?

Nope.

No one should stay in a relationship or incorporate something into it that they do not like or are comfortable with. If this side of your man, or any part of him or your relationship makes you unhappy, angry, turned off, or anything else, then you are under no obligation to “let” him crossdress.

This side of your man is likely not going to go away. He is likely not going to change. Even if it’s been a decade since he last slipped on a pair of panties and he never does so ever again, he is (in my opinion), and will always be, a crossdresser. If you are going to stay in the relationship or try to figure out where to go from here, then both of you will need to communicate on a level that you never have before. Many, MANY couples seek our counseling when this revelations comes to light.

The two of you may set boundaries, you may establish “ground rules”, you may adopt a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” agreement. You may ask him to never bring this up ever again. You might even file for divorce.

Crossdressing can sometimes be a deal-breaker. However, it’s usually not the crossdressing itself that ends a relationship. Sometimes there is lying involved with this side of someone that as a couple can be hard to recover from.

You may be hurt or angry that he didn’t disclose this side of him earlier. It would have been nice if he had told you about this before you bought a house and had three kids.

Your man is still the same man that he was before he came out to you. But you’ll see him differently, you’ll think of him differently. This is normal. This will often lead to you seeing in a different light, in a different perspectice.

And you may not like it.

This isn’t what you signed up for, in a sense.

But many couples do indeed make *this* work. If you are going to try to make this work or wishing to understand this side of him, then keep reading.

-Why is he like this? Why does he do this? Why does he want to wear a bra when I can’t wait to make mine off?

These are, unfortunately, mostly unanswerable questions. For the most part, the answers for these questions aren’t really satisfying. There’s really no “one size fits all” reason your man wears panties or anything else.

First, it’s important to know WHAT crossdressing is. So, let’s learn together.

Oh, you’re back!

Let’s get this reason out of the way. For some men, this is a sexual kink for him. Bluntly, it turns him on. It arouses him. It may be difficult to relate to this. You may wear heels because you *have* to and you look forward to kicking them off as soon as you get home. You may put on your bra and think about taking it off all day. If you feel this way it may seem strange that these same uncomfortable items could arouse someone.

If this is indeed a fetish for him (and it isn’t always) then please know that when someone is aroused by something it’s because… well, that is simply how they are wired. Fetishes and kinks typically develop at an early age. We see… SOMETHING and we are immediately intrigued by it. We look at it and we… react to it in a different way than other people do. For some, a glove is something you wear to keep your hands warm. For others, it’s the most erotic piece of clothing in the world. Fetishes rarely make sense.

In many movies and television shows, crossdressing is almost always showed as a kink. However, for most of us it’s not a fetish. We may feel beautiful, but this is not the same as feeling aroused.

If this isn’t a kink (and for some of us we THINK this side of is “just” a kink, at least initially) then it becomes even more complicated. For some of us we look at clothes as just something that can be worn and we don’t care if a piece of clothes is designed for a man or a woman. We just wear what we want, what we find comfortable, and what fits. For some of us, we just like to feel beautiful. Feeling beautiful is a different feeling than feeling handsome. For others, we want to wear something BECAUSE it’s “for girls” but this is more typical of men who crossdress as a kink, but this isn’t always the case.

For some of us, it’s just… fun and everyone has a different idea of fun. I have friends who watch golf for God’s sake and I would rather go to work than sit in front of a television while some man smacks a little white ball around.

Crossdressers tend to have a different relationship and perspective on clothes than what many cis women have. To you, a bra is a bra, or even a torture device. To me, a bra is beautiful and I am so happy when I wear one. Of course, you and I probably wear bras for different reasons.

Your man isn’t this way because of any childhood trauma. He may have a… ah, challenging relationship with his mother but that didn’t lead to him wanting to wear a dress.

So! In summary, there’s no real reason he is who he is. There’s no ONE reason EVERY crossdresser crossdresses. We are all uniquely and frustratingly different. I know that this doesn’t help and I’m sorry I can’t be more insightful but if it helps, there’s nothing “wrong” with your man.

-Will this side of him… keep going?

Maybe?? Today he told you that he likes to wear panties Will be be taking estrogen in a year? Maybe?? But not necessarily. I’ve been wearing what I wear for decades but never have I felt the need to even consider hormones.

This was my wife’s fear. It was her fear for YEARS. No matter how often I reassured her she was still afraid. However, it’s been almost twenty years since I came out to her and the needle on estrogen or transitioning hasn’t twitched at all.

We are all on a journey. You, me, your husband, your best friend, the co-worker that you despise. Every person in your life is at a different point in their lives and our journeys are all different from each other.

Look, I HATE the word ‘journey’. It makes it sound like your husband is on a magical adventure and inaccurately suggests that he is on a beautiful path of discovery and that this is nothing but fun and rainbows. Every journey that someone is on is fraught with challenges and fears and self-doubt and mistakes and setbacks.

It’s okay if you hate this side of your man. It really is. You are allowed to. You are allowed to be angry and hurt and to feel whatever you’re feeling (not that you need anyone’s permission to feel anything). You do not have to be enthusiastically cheer him on. You are not obligated to join him in dressing up. Just as he is navigating this side of himself and trying to figure out who he is and what he wants and how *this* will factor into his life, you will do the same thing.

He may wear a nightgown tonight, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he will put on a skirt when he wakes up tomorrow. Most crossdressers will only underdress (meaning they only wear panties under their boy clothes) and will never wear anything else. Ever.

His journey could indeed go down different paths, however not every journey is leading to estrogen or transitioning.

When I came out to my wife while we were dating, *this* side of me was all about panties and lingerie. And today I am at a very different point in my life, my journey, my gender identity. This… progression, from panties to who I am today caused my wife a lot of stress. More stress than I will probably ever know. I told her often that I didn’t want to transition or take hormones BUUUUT it wasn’t easy for her to believe as she watched me go from *just* panties to shopping for a wig and adopting a femme name in only a few months. Of course she wondered and feared for where *this* was going. Who wouldn’t think or feel those things? It was hard for her to believe me when I told her that I wasn’t going to transition because from her perspective I just… kept going. From panties to a dress to makeup to a wig to… where I am today.

Hopefully your man is being honest with who he is and what he wants. If he is being truthful about who he is and what he wants, then this is who he is and what he wants as of today. Could this change? Yes. Will it? Maybe not.

-Is he lying? Did he lie to me? Will he lie in the future? Will he cheat?

Maybe? Probably? He may not have meant to lie. Please understand, there’s no excuse for lying. And yes, he absolutely should have told you about this side of him before you were engaged or moved in together or gotten married or had children together. For most of us, this is a part of us that… hm, develops early in our lives. We usually become aware of this side of us at a young age. He PROBABLY knew about this side of him before you two met.

He may have been in denial about this side of him. He may have hoped he could have…. ah, controlled this side of himself and suppressed his need, his want, to wear whatever it is that he likes to wear.

But this side of your man probably isn’t going to go away. He will likely always want to wear panties. Even if swears he will never ever wear panties again, I can almost guarantee he will think about wearing them every time he helps with laundry or passes by Victoria’s Secret in the mall.

Is he still lying (or at least not being completely forward) even though he has come out to you? Maybe? This side of us is… huge. It’s complicated. It’s hard to comprehend and explain. We may… downplay this side of us because we don’t want to scare you, drive you away, or overwhelm you. Your husband loves you and is trying to be gentle. I’ve done this. However, he does need to be transparent and honest about *this* as much as he can. And for all you crossdressers reading this, I absolutely understand that is much, much easier said than done.

If he lied, will he lie again? It’s natural to think that if your partner wasn’t honest (or at least not as forthcoming as they should have been) about something in the past that they will lie about it in the future. If you have a difficult time believing him about *this* please know that this is understandable and expected. It doesn’t make you a bad or untrusting person.

It’s NORMAL. If my wife lied about how much money she spent on, oh I don’t know, lottery tickets, of course I would have a hard time believing her whenever she went to the casino. Not that she is an out of control gambler mind you, but you know what I mean.

Relationships are hard. None of them are completely perfect. It’s okay if you accept your husband’s crossdressing but have a hard time believing he is always truthful about it. It’s okay if you understand that he is who he is but hate that he does this. Listen to your heart and trust your instinct. Acceptance of something isn’t always being happy about it. It’s often an acknowledgment that this is who he is and he isn’t (and probably can’t) change who he is.

And accepting that your husband crossdresses is essentially knowing that this side of him isn’t going away. Accepting doesn’t necessarily mean approval or supporting him or buying him panties. You can accept that your man wears panties, and you can reluctantly do so. Acceptance is often done reluctantly.

Will he cheat? I don’t think there’s necessarily an overlap between crossdressing and infidelity. But this is a normal fear. I promise. If crossdressing is a kink and arouses him, it wouldn’t be a surprise if he wants to wear lingerie and then want to have sex or masturbate. Will he want to have sex while he wears a bra and panties? Will be want to wear lingerie during sex? Probably. On some level, even if this is a kink, he wants to share this part of him, his life, with you. Let’s face it, when someone has a sexual kink they probably want to engage in that kink as much as possible and they likely want you to be INTO it, if you know what I mean.

Please know that consent is ESSENTIAL. If you are not comfortable with seeing your man in lingerie, or if it kills the mood, then you are under no obligation to be intimate to have sexy time with him. Hopefully he understands. It might be a disappointment and he may be pissy about it, but people need to be on same page when it comes to the big and important things, including intimacy.

You may be afraid that if you don’t… indulge or participate in his crossdressing while you’re intimate that he might seek out someone else to “play” with. Listen: if he cheats it’s not your fault. You are not responsible for his infidelity. You are not obligated to go along with ANYTHING you are not comfortable with.

Related reading:

Ask Hannah!

-Will he wear my clothes?

Maybe?? He probably has. I know I tried on my girlfriend’s clothes when she wasn’t home. This can feel a little violating and it’s okay to not be okay about this.

-He says he only likes to wear lingerie and insists he does not want to transition or wear other clothes. Is he in denial?

Mmmmm, probably not in denial, but it’s possible he MIGHT be downplaying all of this. If he is, it’s possibly because he is trying not to overwhelm you or scare you off. Yes, he should be disclosing EVERYTHING but in his own way he is trying to be gentle with you.

This side of someone is a LOT to take in. It’s a lot for our partners. Crossdressers know this. More than likely your man has gone his entire life without coming out to someone or talking about this side of him and now the floodgates are open and he is struggling to find the right words to voice his feelings.

It’s also likely he himself is overwhelmed and scared of his biggest secret being shared with someone, especially the most important person in his world.

It’s possible in a week, in a month, in ten years he may disclose that he also wants to wear, or already does, dresses or makeup. He may be easing you into this part of his life. He also may be testing the waters, so to speak, and wanting to see how you will react to him wanting to wear panties before the other stilettos drops.

-Is he transgender?

That is up to him.

When someone comes out for the first time, or early on in the aftermath of coming out, there’s a lot of uncertainty and, well, fear, when it comes to labels. For some of us, the “T Word” is scary and we are reluctant to identify as trans.

In my opinion yes, a crossdresser falls under the transgender umbrella. But please know, and even take solace in this if it helps, transgender doesn’t always mean transitioning or taking estrogen or feeling you are in the wrong body.

-What is he REALLY doing online?

Who knows?

When I am online I could be scrolling through Facebook, looking at the news, shopping for a new dress, or even doing actual work. I might be emailing one of Hannah’s friends or updating my website. I don’t hide my browser history, my wife could log into my laptop or phone anytime she wanted and look at what I am doing. This is not to say that she would or that your partner must disclose his passwords or whatever to his email. I just feel that, well, I have nothing to hide. My wife knows about everything. She sees what is in my closet, she reads my website, she brings in packages sent from En Femme and Xdress.

Years ago I visited a lot of crossdressing centric websites such as crossdressers.com. In fact, you may wish to create am account and poke around the forums if you wanted to get a little more insight into what this side of us may be about. I believe there’s even threads on there for partners of crossdressers.

I visited these websites for a few reasons.

-I was looking for resources for where to buy clothes that fit.

-I was looking for advice for makeup or tucking or walking in heels.

-I was looking for support, friendship, and for others like myself. People who could relate to the happiness and confusion and challenges that crossdressing can bring. Many, many of us are tormented by how this side of us can hurt and impact our significant others. It may look like all we care about are cute dresses and being pretty but the guilt we have over how this can make our partners feel is quite significant.

It wouldn’t be a surprise if you think your man might be looking for someone to hook up with if he is spending time on crossdressing websites. There is a very prominent portrayal of crossdressing as sexual and it can be misleading that this side of us is all about sex. The fetishistic side of men wearing lingerie has been a staple for decades and it will be for a very, very, very long time. I mean, lingerie for all genders is pretty synonymous with sex. This is how people like your man, like myself, have been portrayed in media since I can remember.

Obviously I don’t know exactly what he is looking at online, but it might not necessarily for sexual stimulation. I mean, he MIGHT be but it’s not a foregone conclusion.

It also wouldn’t be a surprise if you are tempted to, or have already looked at his browser history or read his emails. I am not here to condone or encourage this, but I can tell you I absolutely understand wanting to do so. Getting off topic for a smidgen I was dating a girl who I was almost certain was cheating on me. It drove me mad thinking one thing but being told another. It consumed me, to be honest. She wasn’t good at lying but was insistent she was faithful and told me I was being paranoid and insecure. I am not proud of this but I logged into her email and learned my suspicions were correct. Strangely this calmed me as it confirmed that my instincts were right. I wasn’t being paranoid. I wasn’t crazy. I never confronted her about this and we broke up shortly after. Again, I am not proud of this… but I get it. Promise.

-Is he gay?

Probably not.

This is likely the most common question and fear that you have.

Regardless of pink or how frilly or how lacy or feminine his panties are, his sexuality likely hasn’t changed.

However.

Does he want to have sex with a man or another crossdresser? Maybe??

I want to be as gentle as I can be, but there are some crossdressers who are… open to the idea of being with a man when they are dressed up. Not necessarily because they are ATTRACTED to another man, but, well, having sex with a man might make them feel more feminine. Your man MIGHT (and again not all crossdressers feel this way) want to be sexually treated like a woman when he is wearing lingerie or dressed from wig to heels.

I feel more feminine when a man holds a door open for me or when a man addresses me as “ma’am”. For some crossdressers a man showing a sexual interest in them makes them feel more feminine and that MAY lead to a man wanting to have sex with another man when they probably have zero interest in this when they are in “boy mode”.

It’s…. hm, in a way similar to someone who hates dancing but when they’ve had a few drinks they hit the dance floor. If that makes sense.

Some crossdressers tell me they are straight when they are presenting as a man, but identify as bisexual when they are dressed up. The reality is that their sexuality didn’t change when they changed their clothes. In my opinion they are feeling a little less inhibited when they are en femme compared to when they are dressed in boy clothes which makes someone feel a little more… receptive to things.

Some of us want so badly to feel feminine, to be treated as a woman, that we go to lengths that we didn’t think were possible. Sometimes the things we do betray our values and vows.

-Am I not feminine enough for him?

Please understand that I want to be as gentle as I can with these responses, especially with this one. But his crossdressing has nothing to do with what you wear or how feminine you are. He is not wearing sexy lingerie or bold makeup because his partner isn’t. He is not lacking femininity in his life. He is not compensating for any lack of “girl things”.

If anything, part of what attracted you to him was how pretty you are. Crossdressers NOTICE what someone is wearing. When I look at a woman in the real world I am noticing her shoes and her clothes. I notice her makeup. When I met my wife I was attracted to her cuteness, her sense of humor, her personality, and yes, how she dressed. I still am. She has always dressed cute and given how much I love girl clothes it was easy to fall in love with her style, among her other attributes.

-He keeps spending our money on clothes and is CONSTANTLY talking about crossdressing and when we have sex he’s the one that wears lingerie and I HATE it.

Yes, this happens a LOT, especially after he first comes out. When a crossdresser comes out he feels an enormous weight lifted off his shoulders. It’s likely he has been keeping this inside for decades and now that he has told someone it’s like the dam has burst. He feels relieved. He can talk about something that is a major part of his life and yes, he probably won’t shut up about it.

Unfortunately as much of a relief this is to him, it’s absolutely overwhelming to you. This likely came out of nowhere, whether he came out to you or you discovered this for yourself. After he comes out you likely need a drink, and some time to process it. This is absolutely normal. You may miss how things were “before”. You may want to pretend the conversation didn’t happen. You may never, ever want to discuss it again.

The weight has lifted from his shoulders… but passed it to yours.

There will be times when this is the last thing you want to talk about but he keeps going on and on and on about a dress he saw at the mall. Your man is lost in the Pink Fog. He is so absorbed in his crossdressing he literally can’t stop thinking about it, talking about it, and possibly DOING it. He will miss your nonverbal cues when the subject comes up. He brings it up ALL THE TIME. And it’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It feels like he is being selfish. You just want a normal night in but he keeps talking about the makeup the actresses are wearing in the show you’re binging.

And the shopping! Packages are being delivered, there are new panties in his drawer almost every day, and your shared bank account it taking a hit. Again, the Pink Fog.

So, what do you do? Tell him how you feel. Tell him how you feel again. And again. Just as he may miss your non-verbal cues he may be so absorbed by his crossdressing that it might take several conversations for him to get it. He is acting really differently and, let’s be honest, it’s really annoying and frustrating. And yes, communicating with your partner isn’t always easy. It’s sometimes hard to be direct. It’s challenging to find the right words to say. Again, this is when counseling can be very beneficial.

Sex needs to be about consent. You might want to be the one wearing pretty lingerie in bed. You may be turned off by seeing your man in a bra. Why is he wearing lingerie during sexy time? Three reasons:

-It turns him on

-He is hoping for a little… role play. He may want to “be the girl” in bed. He might have a lesbian fantasy. You many not want this AT ALL. If this happens (and it might) then clear and direct communication is key. Conversations about what happens in the bedroom, whether it is about wardrobe or anything else can happen before, during, and after intimacy.

-It makes him feel beautiful and we all want to feel beautiful during intimate moments.

Regardless of WHY he’s dressed the way he is in bed, if it makes you uncomfortable or you simply don’t like it, then he should stop.

-Will someone see him shopping for panties at the mall? Will someone see his bra strap under his shirt? Will our kids see his high heels in our closet?

Maybe?? Realistically these things could absolutely happen. My wife’s fear (and this is one I absolutely share) is someone we know seeing me buying a skirt at Target or shopping in the lingerie department. This is where the two of you need to set boundaries. I do most of my shopping online, to be honest. When I am en femme I go to malls and parts of the city where it is less likely I will encounter someone that my wife or I know.

Bra straps are almost always visible. There’s always the risk of the pink waistband of his panties peeking out of his jeans. Since I underdress (wearing panties) when I am in “boy mode” (which is most of the time) I am careful when I am stooping down lest the lacy waistband is visible. This has become second nature. Again, this is where boundaries and communications are crucial. If you are afraid of these things then you need to tell him. And hopefully he will listen.

And kids? Kids tend to be curious and tend to snoop around. I know I did when I was young. I was always going through my mom’s closet but I was always looking for a dress to try on. This is when your man needs to continue his… ah, vigilance, I suppose. For years he hid this side of himself and likely became very good at hiding his clothes and he will need to continue to do so if you don’t want your kids to find out.

-I am an ally and advocate of the transcommunity… but does being conflicted about my husband make me a hypocrite?

No.

You may be confused by this side of your man. It may even anger you. You may even hate it. This is a side of your partner that is hard to understand and is even harder to accept. You may be at a point where you accept that this is who he is and have accepted that this is a part of his life and therefor a part of your relationship, but you may never be “okay” with it. You are perhaps feeling terrified where this is going and what else he isn’t telling you. This side of him may have led to him being less than truthful about things. Again, it’s not always the crossdressing itself that is damaging, it’s finding out he’s been lying to you about SOMETHING.

Some crossdressers tell their wives they are going to Las Vegas for a work convention but in reality they spent a long weekend visiting a makeup artist and wearing a cute dress on the strip. Lies like these are what’s damaging and often impossible to heal from.

You likely know that people can’t choose their sexual orientation or gender identity. You can’t STOP being gay or feeling you were born in the wrong body. Someone like myself can’t STOP being who I am or wanting to wear what I want to wear. You may feel conflicted between knowing he can’t stop being who he is and not liking this side of him at the same time.

Still, even knowing that he can’t change this part of him it doesn’t mean you HAVE to accept it or allow it. The reality is that this side of your partner may not be something you want in your relationship. We all need stability from our partners. If your man isn’t sure of his gender identity then, well, he needs to figure that out. This is his journey and it’s not one you HAVE to take with him.

-What does he want or need from me?

What he wants and what he needs are two different things.

Typically.

Ultimately what he needs (even if he doesn’t realize it) is your honesty and communication. What he (probably) wants is for the two of you to go shopping together, to get makeovers, and have a girls night.

If you do not want to see him wearing panties, tell him how you feel. And yes, this is easier said than done. When we come out to our partners we feel… well, it feels like exhaling. We have been holding our breath for perhaps decades. It’s possible he will become so… enthralled with coming out that it’s a little like a bird being freed from a cage. Unless it’s very, very clear to him that this side of him is not to be discussed, he may talk endlessly about it. And yes, this will likely get annoying. It’s irritating whenever you have someone in your life that talks and talks and talks about the same thing ALL THE TIME, no matter if it’s about a podcast, work gossip, politics, or lingerie.

It’s even more grating when it’s a subject you feel conflicted or overwhelmed by.

What he (probably) needs are boundaries. Very clear rules (if you will) about how his crossdressing will factor into your relationship. He may have a hard time abiding by them, to be honest. I know I did. When I first started to wear dresses and makeup I would drive my wife crazy with only discussing clothes. She was still processing who I was and was easily (and understandably) overwhelmed and exhausted by the seemingly non-stop conversation about pretty dresses. I wasn’t paying attention to her cues to, well, give it a rest. I came off as selfish and self-centered. She often had to be more direct with me about my crossdressing than about other things.

You may hope that he picks up on your reaction or non-verbal body language when he talks about crossdressing or when he is dressing up, but there’s a good chance he may be so lost in The Fog that he isn’t paying as much attention to the rest of his world that he normally would. And I am just as guilty about this as anyone else.


Wow, are you still here?? How long did it take for you to read this? It took FOREVER to write and I am glad we went on this journey together. I like to think we discovered something about ourselves and the real treasure was the lessons we learned along the way.

In all seriousness, I hope this was helpful. I’ve written more about marriage and crossdressing here. I don’t presume this will cover all of your circumstances, questions and fears. This is, admittingly, a very surface-y perspective on many of the emails I get from spouses and significant others, including the emails YOU sent 🙂

Love, Hannah

You Never Can Tell

When I post on my website it’s often about something I’ve been thinking about for a few days (or for a few years). Sometimes a post is about a recent adventure I had en femme. Sometimes it’s a post about a dress I am reviewing. Sometimes a post can take a lot of effort as I take a very small thought and, in a sense, drag it into the light for what I hope are thoughts worth reading.

Sometimes what I write about is inspired by your comments. Yes, you! I love reading comments for a few reasons. It is nice to know that people are reading what I am posting about and are connecting with it. It reminds me that there are so many others like us out there.

I posted something a few days ago that generated a few comments and emails and it got me thinking again how anyone in the world might be a crossdresser. I received emails that from guys that work in factories but are wearing Victoria’s Secret under their work jeans. Human Resource Directors who wear a bra under their three-piece suits. I received emails from executives and manual laborers. It was amazing.

Knowing that there are countless others like us is really comforting. We are not alone.

When I was in high school I worked in fast food. People had no idea that the sixteen year old boy taking their order was wearing panties.

When I was in college I took communication classes. My classmates has no idea I was giving a speech while wearing panties.

When I was in my twenties I managed a bookstore. My co-workers had no idea I was wearing panties.

When I interviewed for the job I had now, I wore panties under my suit.

My point is (besides that I wear panties) is that you don’t really know.

If you feel comfortable in doing so, please comment with who you are and what you wear. Be vague. Be anonymous. Are you wearing red stilettos as you drive your 18-wheeler across the country? Are you in a Zoom meeting in a tie and a miniskirt? I would love to see comments like “I drive for Uber and wear leggings under my jeans” or “I am a CEO and I wear matching bras and panties all the time.”

Love, Hannah

Sexual Identity and Gender Identity

It’s amazing (and reassuring) how many of us have the same thoughts, experiences, and feelings as one another. Almost all of us have had some sort of… awakening at an early age where we discovered that there was a part of us that was fascinated by and drawn to certain clothes or wanting to wear nail polish or eyeliner or anything else. We felt that maybe we weren’t *really* a boy or that we had more in common in with our sisters than our brothers.

(Of course this has more to do with gender norms and societal expectations of gender roles, but I digress.)

Until we became aware of others like us, we felt unique, we felt alone. But one day we learned that there were actually so many people like us that there was actually a name for boys who wore girl clothes. One day we met another trans person, whether online or in real life and suddenly the feelings of being alone were replaced by being able to relate to someone else.

As I continue to meet others like myself, I am reminded how much in common we all have. The same fears, the same desires, the same emotions, the same conversations we have with our partners. It’s no longer a surprise to meet another t-girl and realize that they also have had a similar journey as my own.

Sometimes these conversations turn to gender identity and how this has changed over time. We talk about where we were a few years ago and where we are today. We talk about what has changed or when we realized that one label (if you will) felt more appropriate than another.

It’s amazing how for decades I felt alone and that no one else in the world could understand who I was and who I am… only to find countless others like myself who felt the same way, who wore the same clothes that I did.

I found others like myself who could relate to purging but would start buying lingerie only a few days after throwing away a drawer full of panties. We bond over our first experiences leaving the house en femme. We discuss our victories, our fears, our relationships.

But one thing I can never really relate to is when other crossdressers and t-girls discuss being conflicted or confused or anxious about their sexual identity in relation to their gender identity.

To be clear, I don’t think it’s odd to wonder about one’s sexual identity. You can go years and years dating girls and then a guy catches your eye for some reason and you can’t quite put your finger on why you can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t relate to this but I have friends who identified as straight until, well, they realized that they were actually bi.

I may not be able to relate to someone not being sure of their sexual identity but I can certainly relate to not being sure of my gender identity. For years I wondered about this. I don’t feel I was assigned the wrong gender at birth necessarily nor do I feel that transitioning is right for me, but when I was in my teens I did have these thoughts. Not because I FELT unsure about this but I didn’t know you COULD be bi-gender. I thought that if I wanted to wear a dress that I HAD to be a girl.

Eventually I decided you could wear whatever you wanted whenever you wanted and that was that.

Gender is, and can be, fluid. I go back and forth and in-between. I think sexual identity can also be fluid.

This is when I need to acknowledge that I cannot claim really any sort of authority on sexual identity. I’ve never dated or been intimate with someone who identifies as male. My romantic and sexual history would absolutely indicate I am straight. And sure, I’m straight if a label needs to be applied. If I am filling out a medical form or whatever and I have to check a box for it, I do select ‘heterosexual’.

None of this is to say that I’m not straight. I just don’t think about it. If I have to identity as something when it comes to my sexual preference I choose my answer based on my history, I suppose. I select the option for ‘heterosexual’ and move on. I don’t have the same hesitation that I do when I have to declare my gender identity.

When I say that sexual identity can be fluid what I mean is that this is something that might change over time through life experience. You grow up thinking that you’re “supposed” to date a certain gender but you never feel any sort of attraction. But then one day you meet someone that you fall for HARD and you realize that you’ve been dating the wrong gender your entire life. I suppose this is the sexual identity journey that is the equivalent of our own gender identity journey.

But I also think sexual identity is fluid because some crossdressers and t-girls tell me that HE identifies as straight but SHE identifies as bi.

My perspective is that being en femme or wearing lingerie doesn’t change your sexual preference. I mean, that’s one thing many of us insist on when we come out to our significant others. Your wife might be worried that you’re gay because you wear panties but you do your best to explain that what you wear has nothing to do with who you are attracted to sexually, physically, romantically, or emotionally.

I think that if SHE is bi, then HE is bi, too. Again, I have to admit I am not speaking from any sort of experience and I have to accept that I could be completely and absolutely wrong about all this.

I know that Hannah… unlocks parts of HIM. Hannah is chatty and social, he is not. He CAN be, but he usually isn’t. The chatty and social butterfly part of HER is in HIM, but it’s just not expressed. These aspects of Hannah don’t magically appear when she is out in the real world, she just brings them out of him, or US, I suppose.

I do think that being en femme helps me feel less inhibited and I suspect many of you can relate. It’s not a stretch to think that being en femme not only helps you feel less inhibited socially but sexually as well.

Some of us want to be physical with a man when we are dressed up. Not necessarily because we crave a man sexually but because he is perhaps treating us as a girl, just in an intimate way. I do feel flattered when a man holds a door open for me, so it’s likely some of us feel something similar with sex.

Well, perhaps flattered isn’t the right word. I feel I am, ah, VISIBLY transgender. I don’t think anyone sees me and believes I am a a cis girl. When people interact with Hannah I assume they know they are interacting with a t-girl. So, when a door is held open for me, my assumption is that they are consciously holding the door open for a trans woman which, in my opinion, is a show of support for the trans community.

Some cis men tell me they are attracted to t-girls and they wonder if they are gay. Well, no. I don’t feel thinking a t-girl is cute means you’re gay. T-girls are girls. It’s not gay to be attracted to a girl. Unless you’re a girl, of course.

Media and society did a really terrible job portraying crossdressers, drag queens, and trans people for decades. We were shown to be fetishists and as comedic foils. We were also usually portrayed as being very, very, gay. I suppose as we grew up and came to terms with our gender identity it was natural to think that since we wanted to wear a dress it likely meant we were indeed gay based on the representation we had in movies.

Again, I am far from an expert on this, so I’m curious about your experiences and journey when it comes to gender and sexuality. Do you find there’s an overlap or a correlation? Or are you like me where they couldn’t be further apart?

Love, Hannah

It’s All About the Shoes

It’s super fun to plan an outfit for going out. Sometimes I look forward to wearing a new dress or deciding what to wear for a specific occasion, whether it’s running errands or something faaaaancy.

I like to wear an outfit that is appropriate what I will be doing or where I will be going. I’ve long stopped caring about being overdressed for where I am, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll wear a long glittery gown to the grocery store. I mean, I WOULD if I had to.

I don’t care about blending in. I mean, I never WILL blend in and I am 10000000% fine with that. If I wanted to blend in I would wear femme jeans and a cute top or leggings and a comfy hoodie while I go about my day. But I am forever a heels and dress girl and that is what I will wear.

When I plan an outfit I almost always start with my heels. My heels are usually selected based on what I will be doing, where I will be going, and how long I will be out. Let’s be honest, some heels do start to hurt after a couple of hours. I have some five inch platform stilettos that fit like a dream buuut I can only pull them off with certain outfits, like a black leather bodycon dress. This looks perfect for a club but most of my time out en femme is doing more everyday things.

The challenge is when I am doing two very different things in one day. I might spend the afternoon shopping but have dinner plans at a very nice restaurant later in the day. It’s so fun to dress up, and I mean REALLY dress up, for dinner but it’s probably not the same outfit I would wear to the mall.

Last week was a perfect example of this. The first half of my day was a makeover, coffee, running errands, and dropping into a few thrift stores. The second half was a yoga class. Both halves would have very different outfits.

And can I just jump in and say how fun it is to be a girl? How fun is it to have so many clothes options for all the things we can do in a day?

I mean, I suppose the fun and magic would wear off a little if I was en femme full-time but I just am so in love with the possibilities that each day, each adventure has.

When I started to dream about what I would wear for the day I knew that what I wore for yoga was not going to be what I wore for the first part of the day. For yoga I went shopping for a sports bra (goodness do they hold the girls in, lol) and pink (obviously) leggings.

I know I COULD run errands in a t-shirt and leggings BUT I wear a t-shirt and leggings at home so where’s the fun in that? I know I would blend in better in an outfit like that but blending in isn’t important to me.

(I also don’t think I COULD blend in, not matter what I wear.)

So, I knew what I would wear for the second part of my day, but what about the first part? I’ll get to that in a moment but when I am running around town I tend to select heels that are on the more practical side. My go-to shoes are black with a two-inch heel. Not as sexy as other options but still cute.

Yoga would be the last thing I did that day so I knew I could drive home wearing my yoga outfit, but what shoes would I wear? It would look a LITTLE silly wearing heels with my pink leggings. I COULD have also picked up a pair of cute sneakers to match my yoga outfit BUT if I am going to spend $40 on shoes they are going to be strappy and stiletto-y and impractical.

I knew I would be changing back into the outfit I wore to yoga, the same outfit I wore during the first part of my day. I almost always wear stockings with my corset when I am en femme but I didn’t think I would want to put them on after yoga. I know I COULD have skipped the stockings but… I would feel off without them. I mean, my bra ALWAYS matches my panties, my cami ALWAYS matches my panty… there are things I just HAVE to wear, and stockings are on that list.

I decided that tights are easier to put on and would be better for after yoga as opposed to stockings. So far I had my heels and hosiery sorted but had the rest of my outfit to plan. The weather for the day was going to be just as contrasting as my outfits were going to be. Sunny and warm in the morning, rainy and dreary in the afternoon. I wouldn’t need a coat (it’s been a chilly spring) but I would need a cardigan.

I tend to think that cardigans look better with a skirt than with a dress, so I decided on that. If I am wearing a skirt with a single color, I usually pair it with a blouse or a bodysuit with a pattern. If the skirt isn’t a single color, then my top will be.

Of course, the skirt would need to look cute with black tights. I love leather miniskirts but I prefer to have beige stockings with leather skirts and dresses. Black tights meant I’d have to select a different skirt than leather. I picked a cute floral skirt, paired it with a black top and duster cardigan, and I was set for the day.

I hope I looked cute in both of the day’s outfits. I felt cute, at any rate.

As I ended my day I couldn’t help but reflect on how what I wore all came down to my shoes and how often my outfits are determined by my heels.

Love, Hannah

Saturdays are for Coffee, Errands, and Yoga

Yesterday was the April MN T-Girls event and after almost ten years of monthly adventures it’s not always easy to plan something unique.

It was time for something fresh. I’m always thinking of new things for the group to do and I often get inspired by things that I would like to do en femme.

I enjoy staying active so I thought a yoga class might be a fun thing to do. We booked a private class at Blue Dog Studios and spent an hour stretching, breathing, and trying to balance on one foot. After years of walking on icy sidewalks in stilettos it was easier than I thought it would be.

Was this a perfect way to relax after a busy week? Yes.

Was this a perfect excuse to wear pink leggings? Also yes.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

Today, for the first time and with my wife being home due to Covid, I actually wore my favourite fitted bra under my t shirt which did show that I was wearing a bra. If my wife asks tomorrow if I was, shall I just tell her that I am a crossdresser or what?

I am hesitant to give advice on anything that will likely impact a marriage or any relationship.

To be clear, I am not a marriage counselor. I am not a gender therapist.

Basically, I may not know what the hell I am talking about.

Listen.

Every relationship is different. Two people interact with each other in different ways compared to other relationships. There are aspects in your marriage that are unique and different than another marriage. There’s no such thing as a “one size fits all” piece of advice that works for every relationship. You know your spouse better than I do.

If your wife noticed you were wearing a bra but didn’t say anything about it it doesn’t mean approval. She may have been too shocked to say anything. She may be processing it and considering what to say. Again, you know your spouse better than I do.

Before you consider anything I write about, I will absolutely, one hundred percent encourage you to get the perspective of a therapist or of a marriage counselor. They know what they are talking about, I probably don’t.

That being said, if you still want my perspective…

Short answer is yes, probably.

Long answer is… well, it’s going to come off as preachy and perhaps bitchy, I suppose, but here goes. You can’t turn back time but you probably should have disclosed this side of you before you two were married. Our significant others need to know as much about us as possible before a real commitment is made. The conversations about whether or not you want children or an open marriage are pretty important. Conversations about religion, politics, future goals, career dreams, sexual history, sexual identity, and gender identity are also crucial.

I do not think crossdressing is a phase or something someone can stop doing. This is who someone IS.

If you are mature enough to make a decision about marriage, you probably are self-aware enough to know that this is a part of you that you won’t grow out of.

On a somewhat related note, whenever I write something along the lines of “I do not think crossdressing is a phase or something someone can stop doing” I usually get at least one email from someone that says they used to crossdress but they grew out of it and don’t do it anymore. I’m like… good for you? Also, if you’re no longer interested in crossdressing how did you find my website, a website about crossdressing?

But I digress.

My whole thing is that a) crossdressing isn’t a phase and b) we should be upfront about this side of us with our significant others.

I guess that’s two things.

So, should you tell your wife you are a crossdresser? Yes, probably.

I qualify my “yes” with a “probably” because I know that coming out is going to very likely completely impact your relationship. It’s likely going to change EVERYTHING. Your partner will likely look at you and think of you in a completely new light and they may not like this revelation.

Could they have a positive reaction to this? Yes, anything is possible but it’s not something you should expect.

Could this conversation be swept under the rug? Yes, and if that’s the case they are communicating to you that they do not want to discuss this side of you any further.

Could this revelation end your marriage? Yes. And again, this sounds bitchy and scary but this is a possibility.

It’s not always the crossdressing ITSELF that causes a relationship to erode. It’s the “why didn’t you tell me this BEFORE we got married?” as well as the perceived (and typically accurate) dishonesty that this side of us can bring. Listen: If you ever told your wife you were on a business trip but instead took a couple of days to dress in a hotel room or visit a city en femme, well, that was a lie. Suddenly the connection between lying and crossdressing is linked.

Trust is gone, or at least has taken a hit that could take years to repair (if it ever repairs at all).

Marriage (or any committed relationship) likely has shared finances whether it is the two of you owning a home or shared debt. You may have children. These are parts of a life that will be impacted by the end of the relationship and will need to be sorted out.

Yes, I think you should have come out before you were married. But it’s too late for that now.

Yes, I think you should be honest with who you are.

BUT. I would hesitate to advise someone to come out to someone (whether it is your significant other or family member or anyone else) if you think it will do permanent damage to your life. If you think your crossdressing will end your marriage, then you may have a choice to make. It sounds completely simplified but it may come down to crossdressing or your marriage.

(Again, please seek out a counselor.)

Love, Hannah

Related reading

Marriage

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

It’s Friday, I’m in Love (with Lingerie)

Every once in a while I scroll through my website and I am often struck by the seemingly randomness of what I write about (as well as the missed typo). Some posts focus on legislation, some are reflections on living the bi-gender life, some discuss marriage and relationships. There are also product reviews and recaps of days I spend en femme or the activities the MN T-Girls have.

At my very core and in my heart of hearts, I am someone who is in love with clothes and how they make me feel. Yes, this is a little superficial and hollow but I think a lot of you understand and can relate. Many of us are drawn to… something and it makes us so happy.

And there’s nothing wrong with something that makes you feel happy, as long it doesn’t cause any harm to yourself or others.

I love lingerie. I always have. I’ve been fascinated and enamored by it for my entire life. And the more elaborate the better. Waist cinchers, seamed stockings, a bustier, corsets, garter belt… the list goes on.

I love the opposite worlds, so to speak, of wearing a suit (if I have to wear a suit) but underneath the tie and dress shirt I’m wearing an elaborate lace bra with matching panty and black stockings. I love the tug of the garter belt when I move.

It’s not uncommon for me to go through periods of time where I become, well, obsessed is a little… unhinged, but you know what I mean, with certain types of clothes, specifically lingerie. I shop for panties or nightgowns or anything else that is beautiful.

Lately I am all about camisoles and matching panties, especially the ones that Xdress offers. It’s a wonderful feeling to wear incredibly intricate lingerie under a shirt and tie, but there’s just as much magic to wear something as comfortable as a cami and panty under casual clothes while working from home.

This morning I chose Xdress’ Ashley camisole and matching thong.

This isn’t a review or a plug for Xdress or anything along those lines. No, this is just a little expression of how clothes make me happy. I love that I can write something that others like myself can connect with. I love sharing resources for support or places for girls like us can get a makeover or buy heels.

And! I love that I can just be a little shallow and write about how much I love lingerie or anything else in my closet. People like myself (and yourself, I imagine) often don’t have a lot of opportunities to just… share their excitement and love of clothes with others. For the most part we may keep this side of us secret and assume (often correctly) that most people don’t understand or really, even care.

Anyway, that’s my totally superficial and completely unnecessary glimpse into my mind and lingerie drawer for the day.

But tell… am I alone in this? Is there something you are absolutely in love with?

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

I am a male who has been crossdressing in private for many years. I have regularly questioned myself about why I do it and always come back to the fact that I enjoy it and feel more alive and comfortable when I do. My partner does not want any involvement in that part of my life but I can’t give it up. However, as time goes by when I am dressed I am becoming more attracted to other men. I have had some sexual experiences with T-girls but wonder if I should go all the way with a guy while dressed to help understand what is really in my head and what I should do in the future. Any advise you have would be much appreciated.

If you’re asking if I think you should pursue sex outside of the relationship you have with your partner, then no, I do not think you should go all the way or do anything with a guy or with anyone else, regardless of how you are dressed or of their gender.

No matter your gender identity or your sexual identity, I do not think you should be intimate with anyone besides your partner. Ever. At all.

If you feel the need to be physical with anyone besides your partner, for whatever reason, the two of you need to have a very serious conversation about this perceived need.

Aaaand as long as I am on my soapbox (and on the subject) I don’t think that clothes “activate” one’s attraction to another gender. If you are attracted to men when you are dressed up, then you are probably attracted to men when you’re not dressed up.

Also, I don’t think having sex with a t-girl or being attracted to a t-girl means you’re gay. T-girls are girls, remember? It’s not gay to be sexually attracted to a girl, unless you are a girl, I suppose.

Some crossdressers tell me they are straight when they are presenting as a man, but identify as bisexual when they are dressed up. The reality is that their sexuality didn’t change when they changed their clothes. In my opinion they are feeling a little less inhibited when they are en femme compared to when they are dressed in boy clothes which makes someone feel a little more… open to something.

If crossdressing arouses you, it’s not surprising you want to have sex when dressed. When we are aroused we often are open to things that we didn’t think we would be. Again, we are less inhibited and our… decisions are being made by our desire, not our brain.

Love, Hannah

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