The Opposite of the Pink Fog

Love and hate are both passionately motivated emotions, however they are not the exact opposite of one another. I was told that the counterpoint of love is indifference, apathy.

And do you know? That’s much worse than hate.

If you’re apathetic or indifferent towards something or someone it really means that you don’t give them (or it) a second thought. And if you do, it sparks no emotion. I mean, even hate is fueled by emotion. You mentally shrug as you realize that something or someone has zero impact on you.

It’s… kind of freeing. But it’s also a little odd. Something that perhaps took up a huge part of your soul or heart at one point is now something you are completely indifferent to.

The singer Regina Spektor compared falling out of love to forgetting the words to your favorite song and what a beautiful and sad comparison that is.

With so much that has happened over the last few years it’s not surprising to learn that so many of us are feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. We’re just tired. We have to struggle to find the emotional or mental bandwidth to process an event or even take action.

The feeling of hopelessness creeps in.

We feel powerless to stop something, we feel powerless to reverse something. It’s tempting to cut our losses and just try to survive.

And yes! This is all very depressing and defeatist. Sorry.

I get questions on occasion asking why I post photos but specifically lingerie photos.

Like this one!

This is not to say that people are asking for any nefarious reason. It’s not like they’re saying “you look horrible, why are you posting this?” It’s just more of a curiosity question. Like, damn, those pictures are revealing. Why post something where you show so much skin?

I tried to answer why I post pictures a few days ago. It was, like many of my posts, a long and rambling and likely unsatisfying answer. But based on the emails I received in response to this was that a lot of t-girls “get” it. I said the short answer was vanity and it’s true, but other t-girls told me that it’s also about affirmation (and I totally agree) but it’s also because life is pretty short (although it doesn’t always feel that way).

So, I post lingerie photos because I love lingerie, I am (for the most part) confident in my body, and because one day I won’t be able to.

These all sound like very positive and inspiring reasons. BUT I could also take on a very different attitude in thinking that nothing really matters and I may as well do whatever I want because everything is going to hell and I really don’t have the energy or motivation to care.

And there’s the opposite of love. The apathy and indifference.

Not caring about what someone thinks can be a constant back and forth of “your opinion has no impact on me” and “nothing matters and who cares”. Swinging back and forth between inspiring and depressing.

When exhaustion and apathy and feeling overwhelmed cloud our heart and mind, it’s not uncommon to make choices that don’t align with our character or principles or weighing the potential fallout of an action.

This is not unlike the Pink Fog.

When we are lost in the fog we are so giddy with THIS that we make decisions that aren’t always the best or could have a consequential impact in the future.

Apathy does something similar. Like we KNOW we should complete that work assignment or pay that bill or schedule that doctor appointment… but we are feeling overwhelmed, we are spent, we are tired. We put it off, we ignore it, we hope it goes away. But it doesn’t and soon things are worse.

My wife and I moved back in August. The first weekend here we unpacked and organized and hung pictures and alllll that stuff. It was exhausting and overwhelming.

I had one box that needed to be sorted and it sat in my office for weeks. WEEKS. Everything else was organized except that one box. It sat in a corner for a very long time. I saw it several times throughout the day and instead of tackling it I just felt tired. And yes, this is a little silly.

And then one day I sorted it and finished the task. It took less than ten minutes and like many things I wondered why in the world I didn’t do this sooner considering how little time it took.

So, what does this feeling of hopeless and exhaustion has to do with this side of us?

When we are in the fog we are finally unshackled from the part of our soul that held this side of us back. We are more alive than ever before. We are happy, we are free, we are confident, we are excited. This can easily lead to spending money that we shouldn’t or coming out to someone without really considering the implications.

Although the days of being enveloped and influenced by the fog are mostly behind me, it’s not uncommon for me to feel apathetic about this side of myself when it comes to protecting my gender identity.

Simply put, I don’t want to have THE TALK with anyone else in my life anymore. Although it’d be nice for some of my friends to know Hannah, I am exhausted at the idea of coming out. Maybe I should do a Powerpoint and tell people I am not taking any further questions.

It’d be easy to have the attitude or perspective of just doing what I want (and presenting how I want) at any given time and to hell with the consequences or what someone else thinks.

I mean, that sounds inspiring but that wouldn’t be the motivation of wearing whatever I please.

As I write this I am wearing faux leather leggings and a femme top. I am, in my opinion, crossdressing. What I mean is that I am masculine presenting (no wig or makeup and with a few days worth of facial hair) but I am wearing “girl clothes”.

It’d be nice to leave the house wearing this outfit to run errands. I like these clothes, they’re comfortable, and well, I just like wearing “girl clothes”.

These days it’s a lot more… hm, tempting to just do that. Or rather it’s not as easy to come up with reasons why I shouldn’t.

And it’s not because this side of me is growing stronger. It’s not because I WANT to present as non-binary or gender non-conforming. It’s not because my gender identity is evolving or shifting.

It’s because I just don’t care.

I am exhausted and don’t have the energy to care.

See? Apathy. Indifference.

So, what’s holding me back? It’s recognizing that this feeling is not much different than the Pink Fog. I might not see anyone I know at the store while I am wearing faux leather leggings and a femme top buuuuut a lot of people know my wife. I may not care about what others think of me, especially someone I’ve never met or will ever see again.

But I do care how others see my wife.

Specifically I don’t want people to think my wife is naïve or foolish. My wife understand me as much as someone can. She accepts me and is at peace with my identity. She gets it.

And! We both understand that it would take a lot of time and energy for someone other than ourselves to have that same level of clarity.

Time and energy we just don’t have.

It’s like being asked to run a dozen errands after a very, very long day at work and you just want to get home and sit on your couch. I don’t want to stop at Target, I don’t want to go to the store, I don’t want to clean the house. I just want to take a break from everything.

Many of you have had the same talks that I have had.

“I’m transgender but I don’t want to transition.”

“I wear lingerie but this isn’t a fetish.”

“I wear femme clothes but I am not into men.”

And so on.

It’s not uncommon for these statements to be met with a HUGE amount of skepticism. No matter how much we tell someone else about the delicate balance of who we are and who we are not, some people just think we are in denial and that time will tell.

The passing of time with either prove we are right or we are wrong or we are in denial. I’ve always told my wife that I have no desire to transition and so far (not that I expect it to change) this has been consistent. Of course, I have also known a lot of t-girls who said the same thing and fast forward a few years later and, well, things have changed.

My wife has always made it clear that she doesn’t want to be taken for a fool. Like, “oh your husband wears dresses but he doesn’t want to transition? Sure, whatever you say. But we’ll see”.

I mean, that’s understandable and relatable and completely fair. She’s not a fool and I don’t want THIS side of me to add any more stress than it already has. I mean, a transgender spouse is not something she signed up for.

Keep in mind I am not talking about outing myself as a t-girl. I am referring to outing myself as a crossdresser. I think less people would recognize me when I am presenting as Hannah compared to being recognized as my wife’s husband wearing femme clothes. In a sense, it’s… “safer” for Hannah to at the mall than my male side in leggings.

A lot of us have partners who accept us but have requested some boundaries such as refraining from posting photos or dressing outside of the home. My marriage also has boundaries when it comes to who I am and one of them is not intentionally being careless. Another is not letting my guard down. Essentially doing what I can to avoid outing myself. Not making the choices that the Pink Fog is notorious for.

I don’t think these requests are unreasonable. I want to respect my wife in every aspect, especially when it comes to my identity. I think a rule for relationships is to do what you can to make your partner’s life easier… or at the very least, avoid doing things that would make their lives harder.

And this side of us is not a walk in the park.

Although I feel overwhelmed and apathetic about much of the world, my wife has always tethered me to reality, to the positive aspects of life. Reminding me that there’s still good out there and reason to be optimistic. To not throw everything away.

She is the voice of reason and the smartest thing I do is listen to her.

If you’re feeling alone, tired, hopeless, please know there is hope. There is help. There is support. There is light.

Trans Lifeline is a national trans-led 501(c)(3) organization dedicated to improving the quality of trans lives by responding to the critical needs of our community with direct service, material support, advocacy, and education. Our vision is to fight the epidemic of trans suicide and improve overall life-outcomes of trans people by facilitating justice-oriented, collective community aid. 

Need to talk? Call! Our peer support hotline is run by and for trans people. We’re available 7am-1am PST / 9am-3am CST / 10am-4am EST. Volunteers may be available during off hours.

Love, Hannah

Polka Dots and Shallow Thoughts

My goodness I am running behind on posting pictures from my most recent photo shoot.

I am going to arbitrarily choose an outfit to post today. Should I select the leather dress? Lingerie? Something that is more modest?

Oh, let’s go with polka dots.

When Shannonlee sends over photos, I sort them by outfit into separate folders. I usually don’t look at them tooooo closely until I am ready to post them here or on Flickr and then eventually on Twitter.

I know pink is considered to be very girly and I don’t think you can get more feminine than lingerie, but I don’t feel there is a pattern (maybe besides houndstooth?) that is more femme than polka dots.

Now that I am looking at these pictures a little more closely I have to say I don’t think I’ve ever felt more feminine than these photos make me feel.

Next week I become another year older and with each passing day I get closer to fifty. In our youth-obsessed culture it’s not unusual to feel that once you leave your twenties that the days of looking and feeling beautiful are behind you. If I am being honest (and maybe shallow) I feel… well, I feel I look really beautiful here. I think I look better than I did ten years ago.

Listen.

There is no standard for femininity. I’ve received countless emails from t-girls who tell me they have never felt more femme than when they are in modest makeup and leggings. I am a dress and stiletto girl but I have worn more casual clothes en femme for photo shoots and although I was in pants I was very surprised by how feminine I felt. It’s all about how your outfit makes you feel.

I hope you have a beautiful day.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

I’m a child counsellor and I’m working with a 15 year boy who is a ‘cross dresser’. He is desperate to find support, or support groups but when he goes online he ends up down rabbit holes and can often feel persecuted. I’ve tried to research this for him but end up on transgender pages. He says quite clearly he is a straight man who likes to dress as a woman when he can. He does not identify as transgender.

My question is, where can we find support that just focuses on the cross dressing element of him, without presuming there is a desire to transform any further than that?

Hope you can help guide us.

I hope I can help, too!

Before I dive into your question, I want to share my own personal thoughts and perspective on how I define “crossdressing” and “transgender“.

This is a HUGE oversimplification and I absolutely acknowledge that not everyone will relate or agree with me.

When I am in male mode and I am wearing panties, a nightgown, leggings, femme jeans, etc. then I am crossdressing (because I am masculine presenting and using male pronouns while wearing clothes that society tends to view as “for women”).

When I am in full makeup, a dress, my wig, wearing breast forms… then I am no longer crossdressing. I am presenting as feminine. I am a transgender girl. A gender that is not the same gender that most of the world sees me as (since I present as male to most of the people in my life). I am presenting as one of my gender identities.

My OPINION is that your client is transgender IF they are, in your words, dressing as a woman… as opposed to JUST wearing femme clothes. I think once we include a wig or using femme pronouns we have stepped over the boundary of “crossdressing”. Again, this is my OPINION.

BUT transgender does NOT mean they ARE, or WILL, or WANT to transition. I am 1000000% transgender but I have ZERO plans or desire to take hormones or legally change my gender.

I had a very hard time making the transition (no pun intended) from only identifying as a crossdresser to identifying as trans. What held me back from this was thinking that transgender ALWAYS meant, and HAD to mean transitioning. It doesn’t. It might for some, but it doesn’t for everyone.

It’s my opinion that if your client is wearing a wig, makeup, and wanting to present feminine than it MIGHT be more than crossdressing. If their interest was ONLY about the clothes as opposed to wanting to present as a girl, then it MIGHT be JUST crossdressing.

Does that make sense?

Over ten years ago I started a website where I wrote about my experiences and my perspective on my gender identity. I wanted to make it clear that who I am had absolutely nothing to do with wanting to transition. I wanted to see if there were others like me… people who loved femme clothes, people who loved makeup and had a femme name (even just on occasion) BUT didn’t feel that transitioning was the right decision for them.

Turns out there are a LOT of others like me.

When I meet others like myself, either in real life or online I sometimes need to clarify that YES, I am indeed trans but no, I’ve no plans or desire to be full time or transition. It might get a little repetitive but it goes with the territory. And YES there are people who don’t think that I am transgender because I am not, will not, and have not transitioned but I ignore them. What do I care what they think of me? They don’t make the rules about who is and who is not trans.

You can absolutely be trans but not make any physical or legal changes.

Resources and support SPECIFICALLY for crossdressers MIGHT be a challenge. Googling ‘crossdressers’ will likely return a lot of sexually explicit material which is both not helpful and not appropriate for a minor.

Could I suggest your client start their own website? There are quite a few options out there (such as WordPress, the site I use) that offer free blogging sites. This might be worth considering if they feel alone.

I mean, it’s what I did. It took a while to gain followers and to be noticed but by consistently writing and posting it eventually happened.

By writing about my own experiences and perspectives I am able to connect with countless others like me. I think your client will likely find that there are many others like themself. I mean, I relate to your client. I present en femme AND I have no desire to transition.

And gender identity has nothing to do with sexual identity. What we wear has nothing to do with who we are attracted to. Your client being straight doesn’t necessarily mean they are not transgender, does that make sense? I mean, I am married to a cis woman, I have no experience or desire to be physical with a man AND I have more panties than a typical Victoria’s Secret. My sexual identity has nothing to do with what clothes are in my closet.

I really hope this helps. I am not recommending THIS website or THAT website, but rather I want to offer a perspective that maybe your client can relate to.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Pink Wednesday

I attended Catholic school from kindergarten alllll the way through my senior year of high school. From the age of five almost every day of school I was wearing a uniform. For most of those years it was dark blue pants and a light blue polo shirt. When I started high school it was also dark blue pants and a light blue shirt.

You can see why I am drawn to pink and fun outfits.

The girls were also pretty limited in what they were allowed to wear but had the option if skirts, at least.

When I would watch television shows or movies that took place in a school I was always jealous that the characters were not forced to wear the same thing every single day. I was, of course, even more envious of the girls in the shows as they could look as cute as they pleased.

I suppose my jealousy continued as I grew older and started working professionally. Until I started my current position, which is remote, I wore a shirt and tie every single day. My female colleagues, like the girls I went to school with, had other options like skirts and cute dresses.

Please understand something. Many men thought, and still think that “women should dress like women”. That they should wear high heels and pencil skirts. Obviously people should wear whatever the hell they choose to.

The 2004 movie ‘Mean Girls’ was very popular when it came out and even now people still quote the dialogue and it has it’s place in pop culture. One of the lines that always resonated with me was “On Wednesdays we wear pink”. This was a rule maintained by one of the popular girls at the high school where most of the movie was set.

This line had an impact on me. On one hand it was a strange concept to me that students had a choice about what they could wear to school. On the other hand nothing seemed more amazing than being able to go anywhere, even school, en femme.

Wednesdays are the midway point to the week. It’s a day where things can turnaround if Monday and Tuesday start off on the wrong foot. It can also cause some stress if the projects you needed to complete before the weekend are falling behind. If I am feeling particularly negative or apathetic it’s an excuse to blow things off since it’s almost the weekend, after all.

But more than anything I try to wear a little pink on Wednesdays. During the work week it’s alllll about underdressing so my pink is almost always panties, sometimes with a matching pink bra or cami.

To celebrate, or at the very least, mark today being Wednesday, here are some pictures of a pink dress that I wore for my most recent photo shoot. I wore a white petticoat to give it some extra body and floofiness. It was a fun look and I hope you like it!

Love, Hannah

Listen

If we are fortunate, we will live long enough to learn. If we are wise, we will choose to learn from our experiences and grow. If we are truly wise we can learn from others’ experiences.

There are times when I look back and wish I knew then what I know now. Often these moments are when I hear how I impacted someone with my actions or words.

I had a colleague years ago that had a very sarcastic sense of humor. He was hilarious. I would try my best to match his wit and to be as funny as he was. Often my attempts were about as misguided as you could imagine. I thought he would take my “humor” as gentle teasing, the way friends sometimes do among themselves.

The problem was that my humor wasn’t clever and after a few weeks he told me he was tired of me constantly making fun of him. I was shocked that he took my comments the way he did. It wasn’t my intention at all.

It was a reminder that the importance of our comments and actions is all about how they make someone else feel… even if it’s not what we meant at all.

I felt horrible. In retrospect he was absolutely correct. His sense of humor was targeted towards a situation… never individual people. He was sarcastic but never made fun of a specific person. But in my stupid attempt to be funny I resorted to making fun of HIM.

I felt horrible. Even now that moment pops into my head and I replay the conversation we had when he bravely, well, stood up to me. I’m sure he thought (and rightly so) that I was an asshole, a bully. I cringe at thinking I was the reason he hated going to work every day.

We cleared the air and got along… better after that. But my God, I am sure he hated me. I hate knowing that I made someone feel that way.

I learned from this. I wish this lesson didn’t have to be learned by making someone feel as horribly as I made them feel.

Of course, THIS side of us is always about learning. How to walk in heels, how to blend foundation, how to do all the tiny, numerous, practical aspects of presenting femme. There are countless tutorials online that teach the… hm, technical parts of all THIS.

The emotional part of this is what is the hardest. Learning to accept this side of yourself is not the step-by-step process that learning makeup is. The emotional part is not only about how we feel and think about ourselves, but can also include how who we are impacts the other people in our world.

Now, I am not referring to the random people we pass by at the mall or the transphobic jerks that say nasty comments online. I’m speaking specifically about our partners.

When my journey diverted from exclusively lingerie and underdressing to presenting femme, wearing a wig and “real” clothes, adopting a femme name and identity, and going out into the world my wife witnessed every single step. She was also there for every mistake, both practical and emotional.

That’s not to say she was going out with me. What I mean is that she was there when I purchased my first real wig online, she was there when I was learning makeup, when I decided on a femme name, and a million other key moments. She saw me evolve and change. Literally.

We both went though this but our point of view was very different. As thrilling as it was to shave my legs, it made my wife feel apprehensive about someone noticing my smooth legs and wondering why I was doing that… and perhaps putting two and two together.

I was very concerned about what she thought and felt about “all this”. But what I failed to acknowledge was how… impactful all of this was on her. Every new milestone could potentially trigger a new emotion or fear. My wife being accepting of me wearing panties doesn’t necessarily mean she would be comfortable with me going to the mall en femme. Both of these situations are different and opened up new fears, new emotions, new thoughts.

But being concerned doesn’t mean I was making the right decisions. It didn’t make me listen.

Why? If I was “concerned” why was I making bad decisions?

I was lost in the fog. I was so focused on myself that I didn’t always listen to her or pay attention to her nonverbal communications. When you are with someone for long enough you can usually sense when something ISN’T fine, even when they say it is. Sometimes it just means that they are not ready to talk about something.

I was also drinking a lot back then. When I was drinking or hungover my thought process, my ability to think things through and consider the potential consequences was pretty bad, to be honest.

After what as been more or less a ten year journey for myself but also for my wife and ultimately for US, we have both settled into my gender identity. I think the days of her wondering and worrying I would want to transition are gone and that the desire to come out to others has dissipated. No new milestones, no new paths on my adventure. Hannah has arrived to where she was heading to.

There is a peace in myself but also between my wife and I when it comes to who I am.

Of course this wasn’t ever easy. At first it was one major new leap after another. With each new THING, whether it was a wig or a name or starting the MN T-Girls or stepping out, new fears and concerns and emotions surfaced. These emotions for me were pink filled moments of excitement. For my wife… not so much.

Now that we are at the point that we are at, I can look back at the past. It’s not unlike being at the top of a mountain and seeing how far you’ve climbed and being able to recall the points where you stumbled. The hard parts. The moments you wanted to turn back. We’re at a point where my wife can tell me things like “When you were first doing THIS, it made me feel THIS way”. She can tell me she told me she was fine with something but in reality it really was stressful. She can tell me that in the early days how lonely she felt because she couldn’t talk to anyone about her husband’s wardrobe.

It’s very possible she tried to tell me these things at the time. As I said I was lost in the fog, drunk, hungover, and just too focused on me, too focused on Hannah, to really listen.

I’m glad she told me these things then as well as after the fact. I’m glad she feels secure to tell me how I made her feel. Of course I feel horrible about all this. To realize how selfish and self-absorbed as I was.

It’s another example of how often it’s not the crossdressing ITSELF that is the problem… it’s the things that can come FROM it.

I am often reminded of my selfishness, my self-centeredness, my carelessness, and my mistakes when I receive an email from a partner of a crossdresser.

Something that may be worth keeping in mind is how similar t-girls and crossdressers are. Many, many of us had the same feelings and desires as we grew up, as we came to understand and accept who we are. Many of us can relate to each other. Many of us have done, and want to do, the same things as each other.

We also make the same choices. These are not always the right choices. I admit I didn’t always make the best decisions when it came to this side of me years ago. These decisions impacted my wife. If you made the same choices as I did, it, it may be safe to assume they also affected your own partner in the same way my choices affected my wife.

Listen.

WE are all very similar. And our partners? They are all very similar as well. Why is that? Well, they are all involved with someone that most of the world thinks is a big, tough, manly man… but in the privacy of their own home, or in the safety of the internet… things are not what they seem. Our wives, partners, and girlfriends can all relate to each other in this.

If we as crossdressers and t-girl make poor decisions we will more than likely cause our partners to feel and experience the very same emotions and thoughts that my wife experienced.

The emails I get from partners of crossdressers are all strikingly similar. I am saying this not only to let those like myself know this, but also if your partner crossdresses I want you to know that although you feel alone in this, there are countless other wives and girlfriends who can relate to you. This side of us is complicated for us, but it is complicated in different ways for our partners.

Please know this. I am not wise. I am not, and have never been, the world’s greatest spouse. I am not the most enlightened crossdresser on the planet. If anything, I am fairly introspective, I am an overthinker, and I read a lot. In this example, I read a lot of emails and comments from the partners of people like myself.

During those early days I was absorbed with myself. With Hannah. I wasn’t paying that much attention to what my wife was feeling. I was lost in the fog, I was drinking, I wasn’t who I wanted to be and I wasn’t who I am today.

I was only listening to myself.

If I could turn back time and talk to myself, if I could talk to Hannah in those exciting and selfish days… well, maybe I would listen.

But I can’t do that. But maybe I can talk to you.

I am not here to preach, to lecture, to shake my finger at you. That would be hypocritical. If I think you are making a mistake it’s only because I made the same mistake. I didn’t know it at the time but in hindsight I realize so many decisions were, to say the least, selfish.

What I will say here are what many, many of our partners are telling me. And it’s very possible it’s YOUR own wife that emailed me. A lot of the emails I receive say things along the line of “…my husband reads your website…”

I know this side of us is not always easy… and it’s not always easy to hear how we as human beings can negatively impact others. I think I will forever be haunted when I remember how my colleague felt, how lonely my wife was, the countless other interactions and relationships I’ve had over the years where I said or did the wrong thing…

This rambling post is an effort, from one crossdresser to another, to let you know what your partner might be feeling based on emails I’ve received. What they might want to tell you. Perhaps what they already have told you… but their words fell on deaf ears.

Admittingly some of this might be hard to hear and hard to swallow. I can relate. I often had to brace myself when my wife would say “I need to talk with you about something” and I absolutely knew what we would be discussing.

For the sake of simplicity, I am going to use the word “wife” as opposed to alternating between “partner”, “spouse”, or “significant other”. Most emails I get from our partners are indeed our wives so let’s stick with that.

Once again, I want to reiterate that I am absolutely not holier than thou. Every single thing here is what my wife and I discussed over the years. I am as flawed as anyone.

I also want to make it clear that I am absolutely writing this from my perspective and my own interpretation. I am very aware I could be missing the mark on this.

What Is Your Wife Feeling?

In a word, overwhelmed. She is trying hard to understand YOU, the WHY, the REASONS. I know this side of you might be incredibly simple but, well, it’s not.

She wants to be supportive and wants you to live your truth BUT feels she is putting her feelings aside and is focusing on YOU. Some wives feel like they have to sacrifice their own desires and needs and be loving and giving. If you have kids you have likely seen your wife put aside her own needs for your children… whether it’s giving up sleep or a job or a social life. Some women feel that is expected of them. She might putting her needs aside for YOU and for this side of you.

What Is Your Wife Having a Hard Time With?

The CONSTANT conversation about clothes, makeup, going out together…

Trust me, if you’ve asked her ONCE about going out as girls and she declined you don’t need to ask her again. She remembers. She knows the offer is still out there. She knows you still want to do this. If and when she is ready she will let you know. Repeated requests and bringing it up again is not going to help and will probably, hm, backfire on you.

And yes it’s super fun to talk about clothes and style and fashion. For many of us we’ve been wanting to talk about this side of us for years, especially with our wives… and when we get the chance it is like a breaking dam. It’s a relief for us… but can be very overwhelming for our partners. Reel it in a little.

Your wife may also be tired of the CONSTANT same thing in the bedroom. Intimacy between people is a balance of “oh, THIS again?” and “Wow, WHERE did you learn that?”. It’s not uncommon for people to try new things in the bedroom. People enjoying sex with each other might take some time. Learning what you like with that person, learning what that person likes… just finding a flow that works for you both that is satisfying and sincere and fun.

Roleplaying, fantasies, costumes… all of these things can change the dynamic between people. If your wife wears… you know, THAT nightgown you probably knows what she is trying to communicate to you. PAY ATTENTION.

Aaaand of course, WE want to wear a nightgown too. And likely other things. Sometimes our wives are, well, up for it. Your wife knows you wear lingerie. She knows you probably want to (and you might already) wear something sexy, something femme to bed. This changes the moment. You may put on something cute and you may want to… hm, be the girl, for lack of a better phrase. Your wife might be into that, but maaaaybe not all the time. She maybe wants to have sex with her MAN. Your wife, again, for lack of a better phrase, might want to be the girl. To be the cute one. To be the sexy one. It might take her out of the moment if her husband’s lingerie is cuter than hers. Cue her feeling insecure.

And yes, I know we have needs too and I love lingerie on an almost obsessive level but this side of us is a lot to take in. A lot to put up with.

Sex is not always about SEX. Sex is sometimes an intimate moment between two people. Two people who have committed to a life together. It’s a time to enjoy each other, a moment of refuge from a demanding life. A crossdressing husband brings a lot of baggage and tension and stress. Intimacy is a break from deadlines and Zoom meetings and household chores and bills… and she might also want a break from her man’s penchant for bras.

And yes, she is very likely really hesitant and reluctant to bring this up to you.

What Is Your Wife Afraid of?

She’s afraid you are in denial. This was my wife’s fear. No matter how many times we discussed that I was not strutting towards transition she had a very, very hard time believing that. In retrospect I don’t blame her at all. We went from me telling her that I liked to wear panties to a femme name and going out en femme in a couple of very short and quick years. It seemed like I was going a million miles an hour towards estrogen. It felt inevitable to her.

Time dissipated this fear for her. Somehow she held in there until enough time passed for her to be at peace with this side of me. This was a LOT for her, it was too much. She felt so alone. My heart breaks a little when I remember these days for her.

My words meant nothing to her. It was a little hard to believe me when I was en femme and telling her that I didn’t want to be full time. I mean, she saw how happy I was. She perceived that this side of me made me happy (and it does) and thought (and understandably so) I always wanted to be this happy and would want to transition.

I didn’t have the perspective on who I am at this time. I didn’t have the words to reassure her. I wish I had been seeing a counselor at this time. Not because I needed help understanding who I was, but I think if she knew I was speaking with a trained professional about my identity AND still feeling that transitioning wasn’t for me then she might have felt a little more at ease.

So, perhaps seek out a therapist, one that specializes in gender if you can. You don’t need to see a therapist every week for years… even a few sessions can be helpful.

Your wife is afraid of coming off as non-supportive. This can be… hm, this can feel hypocritical for people in our lives. My siblings and mom are fierce advocates and allies of the LGBTQ+ community. BUT this side of their brother is a little… well, it is taking some time for them to be comfortable with.

Your wife might be in a similar situation. She may have a lot of gay friends and you might (naturally) assume that her having and loving her gay friends is just a hop, skip, and a strut away from loving a gender queer spouse. It’s not. For any of us that have come out to our partners we likely know this from experience.

This was something that I learned early on. Based on the friendships my siblings have, I (naively) assumed they would also be enthusiastic and supportive of me. They are… they were… in their way. It wasn’t instantaneous. It was an adjustment for them.

Your wife might also be afraid of someone finding out which I wrote more about more in depth here.

She is afraid you will cheat on her. It’s normal for our partners to think that because we are blurring the lines of gender that we may also be blurring the lines of sexuality. She likely has wondered if you are gay, to be honest. Although to many of us wearing panties has absolutely nothing to do with being intimate with a man, it’s not that simple, not yet anyway, to our partners.

Listen, the Pink Fog can be dangerous. Your wife has likely already felt that THIS side of us is making us do things that contradict what she is used to. I’ve heard from wives telling me that their husbands are very fiscally responsible so it was a huge shock to learn that their spouse just dropped hundreds of dollars on heels.

This side of us can tempt us to do things out of character… including cheating. A common fear that I hear from our wives is that if they request that you stop wearing lingerie during sexy times it may lead you to looking for someone else to dress up and be intimate with.

And yes, I know that this didn’t cross your mind. It certainly didn’t cross my mind when my wife expressed this fear. Regardless, it’s something many of our wives are thinking.

What Are You Not Hearing?

Years ago I spent the day out en femme. When I got home my wife asked about my day and I told her where I went. After a moment she reminded me that she requested I not go to a certain mall that I went to that day. She has too many friends who go there on the weekend and was afraid someone would see me.

This is understandable and reasonable.

However, I had no recollection of this request. I do one hundred percent believe her though. This was a perfect example of our partners setting a boundary and me absolutely not listening. It’s very possible I HEARD it but quickly forgot about. Again, the Pink Fog…

Some of us let a boundary request go in one ear and out the other. Some of us ignore it. If she asks not to post a photo, leave the house, or whatever else, please listen to her. Please don’t try to get away with it. Again, it’s not always the crossdressing ITSELF that is the problem… it’s the things that can come FROM it.

Some of our wives feel like they are talking to a brick wall when it comes to this side of us. This side of us, as I mentioned above, can find it’s way into the bedroom. Intimacy, sexy time, fun in the bedroom… there’s a lot going on between two people. Sometimes sex is raw, passionate, intense. Sometimes it’s gentle, an expression of a love and commitment. Regardless, it’s something that both of you need to feel satisfied with.

That satisfaction is more than the PHYSICAL. It can also be emotional and respectful. If your wife asked you once not to do THAT or touch her THERE then you need to listen. It’s not always easy but we need to pay attention to what our wives are saying, feeling, and responding to… especially in bed. If you feel her energy shift when she sees you in a cute bra and panty then maybe take them off.

And I don’t know about you, but what I am wearing can change my mood. If a work week brought stress and frustration I can bounce back from it by getting dolled up and spending a Saturday en femme. This is also felt when I am being lazy in leggings and a femme shirt (like I am wearing right now) or feeling sexy in lingerie.

I have received emails from wives who tell me that their man is a raw and sexual animal… but when they are in lingerie suddenly they are submissive.

Look, roleplay is a normal and fun thing in the bedroom… BUT it requires a new level of communication. If your wife tells you that she is uncomfortable with SOMETHING, then don’t do it. If your wife doesn’t like being called _________ during sex, then don’t do it.

Likewise if she asks you to leave your lingerie in your dresser during sex then listen to her. She has needs too and they can go beyond her sexual needs. She needs to feel respected and listened to.

And yes, you have needs too. It’s very likely you WANT to wear lingerie during sex. After all, lingerie and sex is pretty synonymous with each other. It’s normal to be aroused while wearing a Basque and stockings. It’s natural to want to be more aroused during intimacy and let’s face it, wearing something cute or slutty or sexy is a GREAT way to do that.

Some wives are afraid you are having only having sex because it’s an excuse, a chance to dress up and the sex is not about desiring HER.

That being said, let your wife set the boundaries here. Have this discussion OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Ask her what she thinks of you wearing lingerie.

Her response will likely go a few different ways.

“I don’t mind it, but please, not all the time”

“It kinda bugs me that you have sexier lingerie than I do”

“I am afraid that if I am not wearing something equally cute you may not be turned on by me”

“Aren’t I enough? Why do you need to wear lingerie?”

“Lingerie changes you… sometimes I like you being “a girl” in bed, but I am not always into that”

“I support your crossdressing but please, could you not dress up when we are having sex?”

These might be disappointing, to say the least, to hear. Of course we would prefer our wives to say that their man wearing a bra makes them very horny and that you should go buy more lingerie but that’s not likely going to happen. Sorry.

Please know that whatever she says about this topic likely required an insane amount of courage. It’s likely something she’s been wanting to tell you but could never find the opportunity or the right words.

Whatever she says, listen.

Love, Hannah

Our Voice

Hi!

I think representation matters and acceptance of transgender individuals, crossdressers, and non-binary people will grow as the world realizes there are more of us than previously imagined.

I would love to be tell everyone in my male life about who I am even if the sole reason for doing that was to teach others that there are sides to people that they may not see. This would hopefully lead people to thinking that gender is more nuanced, more complex, more varied, and maybe even more simple than they think.

But I am not going to do that. I know we should live our truths and that if we believe something we should stand by it. However, sometimes the truth can be dangerous. Coming out doesn’t impact myself, it also impacts my family, particularly my wife. Could I lose my job because of my gender identity? Sure. Not BECAUSE of it, but I work in education. Could a student file a complaint that they don’t feel comfortable with the school employing an openly non-cisgender person? Sure. Could this complaint gather steam and build into something bigger? Sure. Could the school decide that I am not worth the trouble of keeping me employed? Sure. Could the loss of my job impact my life, and my wife? Sure.

Is that fair to her? No.

I think if I were to come out to someone new it would need to be for a reason. Living full time or transitioning are reasons for me to come out but I don’t think or feel those decisions are right for me. My colleagues would need to know that HE isn’t coming to meetings anymore, but SHE is.

Choosing only one gender to present as for the rest of my life isn’t the right journey for me. I LIKE who I am. I LIKE my lives. I don’t want this to change. Honestly? For myself I see more risks than benefits to coming out. I don’t feel I am in denial, I don’t feel trapped, I don’t feel I have the wrong body or that I am unhappy. Transitioning wouldn’t make me happier than I am. Presenting male doesn’t depress me.

Coming out would, in a way, only drag my wife into something she didn’t sign up for. Could she lose her job? Could her family turn away from her? Sure. These things could happen.

It’s frustrating to know that coming out could very likely lead to serious repercussions. It’s frustrating that there are people who choose to let someone else’s gender identity/presentation impact them.

This fear, this frustration, leads to being underrepresented. Being under underrepresented suppresses equality. Again, the more people know that there are more non-cisgender people in the world than they realize will lead to them (hopefully) thinking that gender isn’t *that* big of a deal. That there is more to people than pants or skirts, pink or blue.

I may not be in a position to openly tell others about who I am but I can do SOMETHING. And so can you.

I really encourage you all to make your voice heard through the annual US Trans Survey. This kicks off today.

From the website:

The U.S. Trans Survey is the largest survey of trans people, by trans people, in the United States. The USTS documents the lives and experiences of trans and nonbinary people ages 16+ in the U.S. and U.S. territories.

USTS reports have been a vital resource, including the reports on the experiences of people of color and reports by state. In 2015, nearly 28,000 people took the USTS. A lot has happened since then – and it’s time to conduct the USTS again in 2022.

Help us continue to be the largest, most diverse sample across all identities. Please spread the word to ensure that people of color, older people, those who live in rural areas, immigrants, Spanish speakers, those who are HIV+, and others hear about the survey. More than ever, it’s important to ensure that trans voices will shape the future.

Thank you for being who you are. Every voice matters.

(I took the survey and it took about 35 minutes. If you take it, I recommend taking it when you have time and the attention span for it.)

Love, Hannah

Not Quite a Centerfold…

…but it’s still a thrill! I am so excited and honored to be featured in the newest issue of Transliving magazine!

What’s in the next issue of Transliving Magazine (Issue 77)? Here’s a taste:
🔹 Tina Martin does photos in the style of Princess Diana
🔹 TEAMM8 introduce their new range of gender-neutral leisure wear
🔹 Kirsty reviews the annual Sparkle celebration in July
🔹 Cindi & Nicola review a day out at the races attending Brighton Ladies’ Day with a party of girls (and Richard!)
🔹 We find out about trans-model Stefania Bonomo’s experience as one of twenty women competing to be signed as a leading transgender model for the Slay Models agency
🔹 Nina Jay tells us about her experience as a Whitby virgin
🔹 Rebecca George gives advice on building a capsule wardrobe
🔹 Brucey interviews transman River
🔹 There are pictures of the beautiful Danielle Thomas, Emma and Hannah McKnight.
🔹 Shona is Supergirl

🔹 Readers’ photos and accounts of pride events

And so much more!

Love, Hannah

A Little Peek

Although they are a lot of work, I always start daydreaming about another photo shoot as soon as I get home from one. I had a session this past weekend and one of the outfits I wore is for an upcoming… thing that I am not sure if I can talk about yet but girl, as soon as I can I will, lol.

Here is a peek at most of the outfits I wore. I had so much fun and I felt so pretty. I hope you like these photos and I can’t wait to see the final pictures!

Love, Hannah

We Had A Latte Fun!

This past Saturday was the monthly MN T-Girls outing and we spent the afternoon at Cafe Latte, an upscale coffee shop in Saint Paul!

Café Latte is very much a Saint Paul landmark and I used to visit there when I was in my late teens so it was very fun to go back… this time en femme. All in all there were about a dozen of us having coffees and girl talk. We chatted about everything from makeup to family to clothes (of course).

I didn’t get any pictures but everyone looked super cute, lol.

We also planned the events for the rest of the year… Halloween, the annual photo shoot, and the return of the holiday party. It was a fun afternoon and it’s even more fun to look forward to what’s next!

Love, Hannah

Hellbent on Poly/Lycra

I THINK it’s Judas Priest that has a song called ‘Hellbent on Leather’ but I am too lazy and disinterested to Google it to find out.

I heart leather but I also love anything tight and shiny and leatherish. This can include latex and vegan leather and, like this sexy number from En Femme, a blend of polyester and lycra.

It sounds so… unsexy to describe a dress like this with the word ‘polyester’ but it is what it is, lol.

This is the final outfit I am posting from my most recent photo shoot… just in time for the NEXT one this Saturday.

I hope you like this dress and these photos!

Love, Hannah