The Fear of Being Caught

I think many of us fear being caught.

I have been wearing heels, dresses and anything else you can name for as far back as I can remember.  Well, maybe wearing isn’t the right phrase, perhaps “trying to wear” is more appropriate.  I recall being as young as four and searching the closet for my mom’s high heels.  Even when I was young, I didn’t think there was anything “wrong” with me, I just liked what I liked.  But I somehow knew my wardrobe preferences should be kept a secret.

Until perhaps fifteen years ago, terror and crossdressing went hand in hand.  I was terrified whenever I worked up the courage to go to Target to buy panties at the chance of someone bumping into me.  I was terrified someone would open my closet and see my stilettos.   I was terrified all the time of being caught.

After I came out to my girlfriend, whom I later married, the fear went away for the most part.  The person whose opinion really mattered knew all about me and I didn’t need to hide anymore.  I slowly started posting on forums, such as crossdressers.com, soon photos appeared and, well, now I have this website.

The fear faded as I grew older and started to realize that it was unlikely I would be “caught”.  As far as I know, I have kept this a secret from everyone that I haven’t come out to.  I don’t have any fear going out at all, either.  I don’t think Hannah looks like male me unless you were close enough, but then again, I may be fooling myself.  But I really don’t think I am.

Having this blog and posting photos does open up the chance of being “caught”.  Am I afraid someone in my male life would see it?  Not really.  I don’t think this is the kind of site you just stumble upon.  I think you’d find my site if you were looking for a site like mine.  And if you’re looking for a site like mine, well, you probably understand the importance of keeping a secret.

The other day I was thinking about our fear of being caught.  It’s true, I don’t want to be caught, but I was thinking if there’s anyone in my male life that knows about me that I don’t know of.  It is entirely possible that someone has seen me in the mall carrying a Victoria’s Secret bag or at Ulta picking up foundation.  It is possible someone has found my site, either on accident or on purpose.  If someone has see me and are respecting my privacy, then I truly appreciate it.

However.

If someone does know about me, I really wouldn’t mind if you let me know that you know.  Unless of course you think I am weird or doing something wrong, then you can keep pretending that you don’t know.  But if you know me, if you know the male me, you can tell me.  I don’t like keeping secrets, but we all know how important it is to keep this secret.  If you know the male me and want to meet Hannah, let me know.  She would like to meet you, too.

Love, Hannah

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “The Fear of Being Caught

  1. I too used to be frightened of being caught, not just in my cross dressing, but in everything I did I always had the scared feeling at the back of mind that I one day I would be “found out”. Whether it was playing music, chairing meetings, leading Bible studies or whatever, I always had this feeling that somebody would notice I wasn’t meant to be doing it! So with the cross dressing I was really insecure.

    Maybe we should all ask ourselves why we are trying to hide?, what actually would happen if we were more public? would the sky fall in? would we lose our jobs? would we lose our family?

    Once I started to be honest about this one thing in my life I stopped fearing everything else, and guess what I am a much better me, and everybody seems to recognise that.

    Like

  2. Email me sometime . want to know if you come up to Duluth area.If so Laborday weekend pride is up here in Duluth superior.

    Like

  3. What a great topic and one we all know first hand. I remember the fear well. I did decide at one point that I just could no longer stand the hiding, lying, and all that and decided to transition to living female openly and honestly. I can say that some of my fears were founded and others were not. I did not lose my job and my supervisor(s) were all very supportive. I did lose several “friends” but gained many more than I lost. To be honest I can say that I was disappointed and miss some of those friendships but then I wonder just how much of a friend they were if the clothes I was wearing made a difference. It always comes down to each of us trying to figure out what is best for us but thank you Hanna for bringing up a topic that we all need to think about.

    Like

  4. Hannah,my dear,rent a post office box,and order your clothing from catalogs. Or the internet.Everything will be shipped to you.

    Like

    1. I am no longer afraid of being caught while shopping, just sometimes wonder if someone that I know in my male life has seen my website. 🙂

      Love, Hannah

      Like

  5. le must be honest though. Many people do loose their jobs and many do loose friends and family. There are risks that can’t be ignored and each of us must weight the risks for ourselves.
    As for Hannah she obviously would rather go to the mall and try on beautiful gowns,I’m jelouse.
    Kassie

    Like

  6. le must be honest though. Many people do loose their jobs and many do loose friends and family. There are risks that can’t be ignored and each of us must weight the risks for ourselves.
    As for Hannah she obviously would rather go to the mall and try on beautiful gowns,I’m jelouse.
    Kassie

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s