Has Hannah affected your relationship with your wife? Has your wife seen Hannah? Has she had “girls nights in” with Hannah? How does she feel about Hannah? How has her relationship with Hannah evolved since your early days of blogging?
I could probably write (and maybe I should) a book about the dynamics and evolution and impact that crossdressing/being transgender has on a relationship, but I will try to keep this concise.
Being who we are is
likely hard on our partners. This is not a part of us that will change or go away, so we will never “outgrow” this part of us, this is not a phase we are going through. Too many of us try to suppress this part of us when we meet someone and start a relationship because we don’t want to scare this person away by revealing this part of us.
But of course no matter how hard we try to deny it, this is who we are and we shouldn’t try to do that. What we should do is be honest with ourselves and be honest with our partners. I get emails from people like us who tell me that they don’t plan on telling their partners about this side of them until after they’re married. Their thinking is that it’s too late for them to go anywhere. This is hurtful, cruel, unfair and dishonest.
I told my wife about this part of me after a few months of dating, once I knew I wanted to marry her. I’ve come out to a few partners in my life when I felt the relationship was strong and serious enough. At the time I came out to her, I felt that this was all about under-dressing and I didn’t have a “male mode” or a “female mode”. I was just a man who wore panties.
But people change and evolve.
After we’d be married for a few years, she asked if I ever wore makeup or clothes other than lingerie. I had, but never really to the point of a full makeover or head to toe with a wig and heels. She did my makeup that night and helped me order a wig. Up to that moment she didn’t really understand why I liked lingerie but she understood the feeling of wanting to be beautiful.
I started to buy dresses with her help. My wardrobe grew and our relationship now had a new part of it. We were both learning about Hannah and getting to know her. We had constant and honest communication about what… all this meant. There were times where she was concerned about me wanting to transition and where all this was leading to. Those concerns faded over time.
It’s easy to understand her concern. I went from wearing panties to doing my makeup and having a closet full of heels in a few months. My evolution accelerated and it was like going from a nice leisurely drive to a million miles per hour. But eventually I stopped my gender exploration and landed where I am today and her concerns about me wanting to transition subsided.
This part of me has allowed me to be more open, honest, vulnerable and transparent with my wife. Not only as Hannah, but as in my male side as well. This took a lot of patience on her part and a lot of effort to try to understand me. It took a lot of time, sometimes difficult communication and open and honest conversations.
So yes, she has seen Hannah. We both met her at the same time, in a way. We’ve had many girls nights in, whether it was a nice quiet night in wearing leggings or me rocking an amazing gown with winged eyeliner.
My wife and I used to feel that Hannah and my male side were two very different people. Of course, we have very different wardrobes but over time Hannah and I have kind of… well, balanced out. Hannah would tend to be more relaxed and chatty whereas I was more preoccupied with whatever was going on or needed to be done. I don’t relax much, but our girls nights in gave me a chance to dress up and slow down and watch a movie or sit and talk. My wife and I don’t feel there’s as much of a difference between my two genders (besides physician appearance and presentation) as there used to be.
I make all of this sound very easy and idyllic, but as with any relationship things are always more complicated and nuanced than it sounds. I am lucky to have my wife for many reasons, not only because of this.
5 thoughts on “Ask Hannah!”
I have been reading your blog for a couple of years now. I really look forward to all of your posts. I especially liked today’s topic about your relationship with your wife. Relationships can be a very complicated dance, we all try to perfect. It sounds like you both dance very well together.
When you publish your book, I’d like two copies please.
I hope you consider writing the book. I’m with Tami. I’ll buy it too.
In all seriousness, what an insight such a book written jointly by both you and your good wife about the challenges and the joys of building a committed and stable relationship when one partner crossdresses. It could contain your own views and also canvass the life stories of others who have been able to make it all work.
Think about it and thank you Hannah for this post.
Like Tami and Geraldine, put me down for two copies!
As an avid reader, not only of your column but in general, I can say it is very difficult to find a valid treatise on the topics that us t-girls face. I’ve devoured every book my local library can provide. Some are clinical and painfully dry reading. Rare is the one that carries any value for us t-girls that draws upon personal experience to offer insights and advise.
Not everyone has the knack for composition and expression that you possess and I so look forward to hearing more of your experience. To hear more on your journey from your lovely wife’s perspective would be awesome as well!!
Thanks again for all you do,
Thank you for all the kind words! Maybe I should write a book…
I’d want a copy! I’d want to read it together with my wife.