I have written quite a bit about relationships and our gender identity.
I have always and will always say that we need to be honest and open about who we are before the relationship is serious.
Some of us, for various reasons, weren’t able to do that. For some of us, we were in denial. Others thought (and maybe hoped) this was a phase and they would outgrow it.
But the truth comes out. Whether it is because someone was caught or we simply couldn’t keep it a secret any longer.
If you came out after you were married, I would love to know about your experiences. How did it happen? Why did the truth come out when it did?
I understand that this is a very sensitive and difficult topic. If you feel inclined to share your experiences, please feel free to email me or comment anonymously below. Spouses are encouraged to comment as well.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 
I am A Crossdresser my Supported my CD lifestyle.I do Support The Trans And Marriage. I Believe We Should Be Able Married WHO WE LOVE Regardless of Sexauly Oriantated. LOVE IS LOVE THAT WHAT MATTER THE MOST. Your Friend Petra_Sweetheart.
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Hanna,
I accidentally outed myself to my wife after over 30 years of marriage when she saw a photo of me dressed on my IPad. She confronted me and asked the usual embarrassing questions. It was a rough moment for me. Eventually, she compared me to Kaitlyn Jenner, but said she still loved me. That was over a year ago. I guess we are in a Dadt situation. Life goes on. Thanks for reading.
Kerry
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My heart was in my throat as we had our quiet Sunday morning coffee. We were ten years into a wonderful marriage. I had tried before and failed to come clean, this was it. Counseling and lots of reading had bolstered my resolve. Thinking the entire world would explode I blurted out ‘I have something to share, I wear women’s clothes’.
After a few seconds, which felt to me like years, her reply: ‘well, I knew those heels under the bed weren’t mine’. She knew! OMG! She knew! That was the first of many Sunday morning conversations filled with the usual topics. She was filled with filled with uncertainties and insecurities. She knew, but did not realize the extent of my collection. I am a patient person, so I allowed time for things to settle in and for her to process it all. Fast forward and I now have more Trish clothes in the closet than the male ones, though I dress male 90% of the time.
Now 18 years of being together and life is still challenging. It always will be. Having a ‘hobby’ that allows a third person into our relationship will always have its challenges. But I’ve helped her with makeup, loaned her purses, pantyhose and wigs. We’ve set boundaries, which I think is very important. Mostly, she’s not keen on seeing me as Trish. That’s OK, I honor that. I love her dearly, all the more so because she accepts me for who I am.
And I have to say I agree wholeheartedly with Hannah. Your SO/wife/fiancee deserves to know. Secrets undermine relationships, sharing builds them. And this secret is not going away……
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Than you for sharing. 🙂
Love, Hannah
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Hannah, I am one of those who did not understand myself well enough to tell her before we got married. Not only did I naively think that my urges to wear women’s clothing was just a sexual thing, but I thought it would go away once I got married. The opposite ended up being true. Sharing a closet and dresser drawers with a woman and watching her apply makeup just made my dysphoria worse. But being now in my 60’s, we did not have language for those feelings and did not have the internet. I was ashamed of my urges and hid from her that I tried on her clothes when she was away.
Eventually, I did begin to share my thoughts and feelings with her — at first little by little, then eventually over time have told her more and more. She refuses to accept this part of me, refuses to learn about it, and this has been the most difficult and destructive part of our marriage.
But it is part of me, and I have come to understand that I am trans. We stay together for many other reasons, and in many ways other than this (as remarkable as it might seem) get along well. We have agreed to a DADT arrangement. I wear only feminine underclothes, which obviously she knows. I would love (more than anything) her acceptance and support. She’s made it cleat that’s not going to happen and we’re done fighting about it (I was never going to “win.”) Nancy
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Dear Hannah,
My coming out went in phases. Already in the first year my wife and I were together, I asked her if could wear some of her clothes (short skirt, stockings, bra, top). “Just for fun,” I said (but I knew better of course). She was fine with that, and found it humorous. Later that day, I told her that I enjoy wearing girls’ stuff. She did not have a problem with that. That day I knew I once would marry her.
We’re married for 25 years now, but most of the time I was leading a double life. She was okay with me wearing a skirt or a dress, but officially I went not any further than that. I also tried skirts for men, like sarongs and kilts, and still wear those in male mode. Secretly, however, I wanted to go further, with panties, bras, a wig… Last year, I admitted to her – with fear in my heart, and tears in my eyes – that I want to go “all the way” from time to time. I want to be as “woman” as possible. To my relief, she said that this was “no big deal” to her, but she prefers that I don’t show that other side to her.
Like you, I don’t want to transition permanently, and I stay away from hormones and surgery. I’ve found several great people that provide services to help me improve my female image. My resolution for this year is to go out en femme. Your blog is helping my to get the courage to do so, and also to make sure I have the right expectations.
My wife is the only one in my surroundings who knows about this, and I won’t tell anyone else before discussing this with her. During our discussions, many issues came up that were also addressed by your beloved. Thanks for this.
Hugs and kisses,
Louise
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She sounds like an amazing person. Thank you for sharing!
Love, Hannah
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